13 Things Men Need to Know About Pregnant Women

angry_pregoWhen it comes to handling pregnant women, I’m no expert. Hell, I haven’t even figured out how to deal with women in general. In fact, I’m the antithesis of an expert. Luckily for you, I’ve made just about every single stupid mistake and placed my foot so far in my mouth during MJ’s pregnancies that I’m overqualified to speak to you about things you need to know to avoid getting knocked out by the knocked up.

Here are the 13 most important things to remember.

1. Feed Her Constantly
Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence. The bottom line is when she says she’s hungry, she means it. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your fucking face. Know that “I’m hungry” doesn’t mean she’s looking forward to the dinner plans you have in an hour. It means give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant. And then again when you get in the car. Failure to give that woman snacks will result in extreme bitchiness at best, and bodily injury at worse. Just turn yourself into a walking, talking vending machine for 9 months and you’ll be fine.

2. Food: What’s Yours is Hers, What’s Hers is Off-Limits
You’ve likely been married or together a few years now, so it’s perfectly understandable that you bought into all that stuff about togetherness and sharing a life, etc. And while some of that still applies, all bets are off when it comes to food. If you eat food that’s hers (or food you bought for yourself but she somehow claimed it as hers), she will cut you. Not physically perhaps, but by the time she’s finished excoriating you you’ll wish it was just a knife wound you suffered. I ate some of MJ’s chocolate once and when she went to find it during a craving and saw that it was gone, she flew into a rage that was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Just don’t do it.

3. Get Ready to Gain Weight
Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? That’s no mistake. Ultimately at some point she’ll have cravings. When MJ was pregnant with Will she wanted pizza, Kit-Kats & grapefruit. This time around it’s nothing but fruit salad. But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain weight too. Mainly because we inevitably partake in her cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. I gained 25 lbs during MJ’s pregnancy 5 years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained — WITH THE BABY! So watch your step.

4. Don’t Point Out How Big She’s Getting
My Boston sports habit notwithstanding, I’m a fairly logical person. I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. That’s why I thought absolutely nothing of pointing out my wife’s really cute swollen belly. In my mind it was just nature progressing and running its course, and there was nothing more beautiful. But after the first 2-3 times I said it, she snapped on me. “STOP TELLING ME I’M FAT! I KNOW I’M FAT! I DON’T NEED YOU POINTING IT OUT!!” It didn’t matter that in my eyes she never looked more beautiful or that she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. Which leads me to my next point…

5. “Pregnancy Brain” is Very Real
I know it sounds like some sort of cutesy, media-created term. But it’s not. Pregnancy Brain is legit. It starts with everyday occurrences like looking for her glasses while they’re on her head, which is kinda cute. But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion. And in a fit of irony, I just asked MJ to give me more examples of Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn’t — because she can’t remember.

6. Goodbye Sense of Humor
The good news is she’s gained a baby. The bad news? There wasn’t enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor. If you’re a smartass like I am, this is especially troubling since I show affection by giving people good-natured shit. Unfortunately, my pregnant wife does not appreciate my unique brand of humor whilst carrying our little parasite around in her stomach. The results are often me firing off (what I consider to be) beautiful comedic quips and zingers, which don’t just fall on deaf ears, they fall on potentially homicidal ears. You’ve been warned.

7. Say Goodbye to Sex
Listen to me carefully — you’re about to be sexually frustrated. The first trimester is by far the worst. It’s when she’ll be going through the most changes and feeling the shittiest. It’s everything she can do to avoid throwing up every morning (and sometimes at night), so you feeling unloved and “backed up” doesn’t really register. So fire up the porn and give yourself a hand, because you’re now a sex camel my friend. The only silver lining is you’ll have sex two times during the pregnancy. You have a 1-2 week window where her sex drive returns early in the second trimester. Enjoy that, because it’s not happening again until very late in the pregnancy. Right at the end she’ll be so desperate to get the baby out of her that she’ll use you in the hopes that sex will send her into labor. It’s slightly awkward, but after the drought it’s a welcome relief — as long as her water doesn’t break right then and there.

8. Yes Her Boobs Are Bigger, No You Can’t Touch Them
While we’re on the topic of sex, let me tell you about one of Nature’s cruelest tricks. When a woman is carrying a child, it’s a beautiful thing. That “pregnant glow” you always hear about is real, mainly because she’s carrying around a few extra pints of blood which does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and — her rack. A becomes C, B becomes D and C becomes Hallelujah Thank You Jesus! They swell up to gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at the seams and popping off her chest in a fit of Playboy glory. The only problem is you’re not allowed to touch them. It’s like going to the pet store and seeing the cute puppies behind the glass but not being able to pet them. They’re adorable and you want to take them home and keep them forever, but if you try to motorboat her puppies she will slap the shit out of you. Trust me.

9. Your Dick Can’t Won’t Hurt the Baby
Speaking of sex, let’s get this one out of the way right now — your penis will have no effect on the baby in your wife’s womb. Got that? I don’t care if you’re on par with Ron Jeremy or not, your dick is not going to scare the kid and it’s certainly not going to poke him in the forehead. Not only that, but any suggestion to the contrary will send your pregnant wife into hysterics. And there’s nothing more demoralizing than a conversation that involves your penis and hysterical laughter. So I’m told…

10. You Will Be Replaced by Pillows
Did you spend a crap ton of money on a mattress? Some sort of memory foam or pillowtop deal that makes you feel like 1,000 little angels are massaging you as you fall asleep every night? Well I hope you spent money on a comfortable couch because that’s likely where you’ll be sleeping for a decent part of the pregnancy. And it’s not so much the increased space your pregnant wife takes up either. It’s the pillows. Yup, that’s right. You become increasingly irrelevant as the pregnancy wears on, but the 37 pillows — including that godforsaken full-body pillow — become absolutely vital nighttime companions. And when push comes to shove, you’re getting the shove to the sofa.

11. Don’t Treat Her Like Glass
Many men — myself included — feel very protective of their wives as is. But when it’s our baby growing inside of her, that suddenly ratchets up several notches. I try not to let MJ open doors, carry groceries, pick up heavy objects, etc. And for whatever reason, that sticks in her craw something fierce. It’s not that I don’t think she can fend for herself, I just feel it’s more important than ever to keep her safe and to make sure the heavy lifting is kept to a minimum. And that’s when I get the “I’M NOT MADE OF GLASS, STOP TREATING ME LIKE A PRINCESS!” retort. Oh well, husbands/boyfriends of pregnant women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

12. Pregnant Women Are Lazy
This one is VERY touchy. After all, they’re carrying new life around inside of them. Their bodies are growing, stretching and changing to accommodate said life. But the fact remains, pregnant women are L-A-Z-Y. Case in point, a disturbing trend has emerged in the Daddy Files household the last few weeks. MJ has not only stopped doing dishes, she’s no longer even attempting to put the dirty dishes in the sink. Instead, she brings them into the kitchen and puts them a foot away from the sink. Moreover, all of the coffee cups are half-filled and every bowl has a ton of soggy cereal remaining in it. I don’t mind doing the dishes, but I do mind a counter full of crap. How hard is it to empty the dishes and move them ONE MORE FOOT into the sink?? But you can’t gripe about this because…

13. You Can’t Complain
All these things I’ve listed? You can’t mention any of them to your pregnant wife. Because even if she’s lazy, not giving you any, won’t let you touch her boobs, can’t remember a thing, sleeping with the Pillow People, making you crash on the couch, putting on massive amounts of weight, and eating you out of house and home, it doesn’t matter. She’s pregnant. She’s carrying your child. Which means she’s got the trump card and all your complaints are hereby dismissed. Seriously, just think about you complaining and what her response will be. Something like “Dishes? You’re complaining about dishes?? I’m growing a human being in my stomach the size of a watermelon that I’ll eventually have to push out an opening the size of a lemon. NOW WHAT WERE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT AGAIN?!?”

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173 thoughts on “13 Things Men Need to Know About Pregnant Women

  1. Look at it this way Aaron. At least she isn’t having twins. Take some of those rules and multiply them by 3. Not an equal ratio I know but it’s true. At least that’s what I hear. (laughing awkwardly)

  2. Great hilarious and true synopsis, Aaron!
    Having lived through 2 of my own pregnancies & deliveries, I thought I was fully prepared for my wife/partner’s pregnancy with our twins, but alas, women can all have their own idiosyncrasies!
    I think you should also make a list for those folks who may need a refresher on what to do once labor starts and after the baby or babies arrive, because that roller coaster is far from over!
    My most important piece of advice would be to make sure she has a cold ( non-alcoholic) drink nearby at all times after delivering!
    Melinda Shaw recently posted..Snowballs From Heaven!My Profile

  3. #3 – When my wife was pregnant with our first, I gained 35 lbs. I also got my first case of hemorrhoids. Pretty sure, the former and the latter were both supposed to happen to my wife, the soon-to-be-mother and not me, the soon-to-be-dad. As someone who, until then, had weighed 185 lbs. for a solid ten years since I was 20, never fluctuating more than +- 2 lbs., I now refer to this time period as the “Fat Daddy Era.”

    Thankfully, I’ve since lost 30 lbs. Not because I went and paid for an outrageously expensive gym membership. Instead, simply by chasing my toddler daughter around the house in an effort to put her shoes on so that we can go to daycare. Great cardio in the AM.
    Jeffro recently posted..Shit HappensMy Profile

  4. You’re a “content manager for a website,” which appears to translate loosely into “I write crappy ‘humour’ articles about parenthood.” She’s pregnant with a baby you basically bullied her into having, and she works outside the home. And SHE’S the lazy one. Okay. And get stuffed, boyo.

  5. Blip. Go fuck yourself. Moron.

    First of all, this site is my personal site and has ZERO to do with my full-time day job. I didn’t “bully” my own wife into having a baby. It’s something we’ve wanted for years. And right now she doesn’t work outside the home because she’s out on medical leave. So you’re 0 for 3 you fucking dolt.

    At least try to have some facts and know what you’re talking about before you make an absolute fool out of yourself.
    Daddy Files recently posted..13 Things Men Need to Know About Pregnant WomenMy Profile

  6. #4 and #13 should be considered life saving advice. I was told early on about the dangers of complaining and ignored. Bad idea. Also with #4, whenever another person mentioned how big she looked, I felt the wrath. I can’t count how many times my wife was pleasant as she was being told about her size, then as soon as we were alone all hell broke loose.
    Sean recently posted..Baby spit up vs Puppy pukeMy Profile

  7. It’s worse when the trolls are stupid and misinformed. Some people have way too much time on their hands.

  8. Wow. You are the man. You’ve got one lucky wife…cause there sure are a hell of a lot of husbands that are clueless to all of these rules. Thanks. I needed a laugh. 25weeks preg here.

  9. So true and so funny. I am forwarding this to my husband. He needs to know he’s not alone. The pillow thing hits close to home. I have a U-shaped double body pillow thingy that takes up over half the bed…and I’m only 22 weeks along!

  10. Luckily though Hannah has a man who has been a single dad, cleans, cooks, fixes things and is a Marine, so she gets all the bennies of a maid, butler, handyman, nanny and security service all in one package. 😉

  11. I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant with my second pregnancy in two years and had to read this to my husband. It is all so true! We laughed hysterically — until he laughed a little too hard and pissed me off. LOL.

  12. Dude, with the exception of #12 I think you made my day. I’m preggers with our FIFTH kid and let me tell you — and my husband will definitely agree — my boobies are MINE until a certain litle someone comes in a few months and claims them for his own. Everything else is true. My body pillow is like the Great Wall of China between us and it’s staying there. My husband really likes the couch. We even moved it up to our bedroom.

  13. My wife is opposite of all,she wants sex constantly and won’t let me take my hands off her boobs. On the good side she argues like crazy and loves to point out every little thing I do wrong. Gotta love em. How can I make her feel more comfortable?

  14. This is mostly very much on target.

    Some caveats:
    You can do things and carry heavy things for her, if you casually get to them first. She will award you hero points mentally, unless you point them out, in which case, she’ll glare.
    (This mostly isn’t necessary until she starts getting slow and tired. However, you’d best beat the wife with the nesting urge to the nursery furniture.)

    Beware of the urge to feed pregnant women tons of junk food. When she’s feeling sensitive about her weight, yogurt, exotic fruits, sandwiches, etc, are good first choices. Don’t double her portion sizes on everything, or try to feed her ice cream every night, any more than you’d debate her occasional urges to get naughty.

    Her sex urges may come and go in strange ways, and they’ll probably be very specific to things going on with her. It’s simpler to say that they’re gone, but it’s often far from the truth. It is worth paying a little attention to how she’s feeling before testing the water. The tiny bladder may veto all urges for a little while. Sometimes, the hormones will go crazy for 5 minutes, and you have to start NOW. Some times, she’ll be really tired. Body parts that are growing a lot need to be touched differently. She may want to go straight to third base, or otherwise massively change the routine. She may forget to feel pretty till you flirt. Her first trimester may be utterly easy, or full of nausea. The second trimester is good to most women. The third can be tiring, particularly the last month, and she may start to worry about kicking off early labor. The hormones can be seriously weird, and prompt sudden needs anytime. If you’ve just watched an hour of Benedict Cumberbatch, served up a little dark chocolate, and given her a nice foot rub, watch out for that look in her eye, no matter what month it is.

  15. I really love your blog! It’s really cool to see men speaking up for themselves and showing people that good husbands/fathers are out there! — It’s unfortunate that these good men are totally overshadowed by Hollywood and the negativity in the media! & this post describing pregnancy from a man’s perspective is the funniest thing I’ve read! Love your sense of humor!

  16. I just sent this to my daughter to show her husband, I consider it a life saving measure, lol.

  17. Wish I would of seen this earlier!
    (33 weeks)
    4th night sleeping on the couch and lucky to still be alive!!!
    33 weeks

  18. In my experience one of the unnecessary ass-pains with my wife’s pregnancy is that the folks in marketing have got hold of it. Thanks to Sex in the City, the Kardashains and Hello Magazine my wife has this dream of a perfect pregnancy that is impossible to live up to.

    So now on top of all the regular shit that comes with pregnancy she feels that she has to wear designer clothes, get upset at designer clothes not fitting anymore, hold coffee mornings for her chums where she serves home baked organic muffins, arrange dinner parties, have a “babymoon” on some exotic island, has professional photo shoots for her bump and plan elaborate murals for the nursery wall. The overall plan appears to be creating a situation where her friends and acquaintances feel compelled to say “oh isn’t she amazing, I don’t know how she does it”.

    Of course she can’t do it. It’s too much. Invariably each of these schemes ends up being half-baked or an out and out fail – probably because we are busy trying to prepare for a new born fricking baby.

    So she gets upset because she isn’t being super-pregnant women and I end up copping the flak. Of course I could try talking some sense into her…. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Seriously this baby can’t come quick enough.

  19. Marco: Nail on the head my friend. Nail on the head. Sorry to hear things are rough, but the baby will come soon and then she’ll be too tired to even think about that other stuff. Good luck and smooth sailing!
    Daddy Files recently posted..School Pictures are ObsoleteMy Profile

  20. A lot of these are spot on! And so funny :p the only thing I didn’t experience with my second child is the laziness (although I did go through some of that with my first lol). I had that nesting urge through my entire pregnancy! I cleaned everyday, and I mean really changed, like mop the floors, scrub the tub and shower, clean baseboards everyday kind of cleaning… And now my husband is spoiled and won’t help out with household chores at all. The dishes right next to the sink? Yeah,i can totally relate right now. :/

  21. OMG!! My wife tested positive today and I am over the moon…but I still have this mixed feelings. Thanks so much for these hilarious facts, I gotta psyche myself for that. Already she is complaining about her boobs, they look so full I cant resist. 🙁

  22. 33 weeks and 4 nights on the sofa. Oh perleease, my partner isn’t even 9 weeks gone and I’ve spent *far* too many damn nights on either the reclining chair that manages to cut off circulation to the legs after too long, or on the floor – all in the name of not having to clean up puke first thing in the morning (or any other time of the day – morning sickness….misnomer if ever there was one) not to mention not sleeping in the bed at her request cause it makes her feel gippy.
    My only concern is that she isn’t eating. She didn’t eat a damn thing yesterday, because she didn’t want anything. So I really don’t know what to make of that shit. I offered to make her something, get her some cereal, make a sandwich, shit, chips and gravy for all I cared, but she still didn’t want to eat anything. I’m kinda hoping today is going to be different – seeing as yesterday was the first time I’d seen her not actually wanting to eat anything.

    Great article btw. I haven’t laughed that much in ages (I’ve had my face chewed off by the missus pre-pregnancy so yeah, I still laughed at that shit too).

  23. Really sounds like me n my wife,thanks I needed this laugh so true I about threw in the towel I went from I love u to having sex,to I’m on the couch she moody I need a beer and I don’t drink! 🙂 5 months to go half way threw he storm/hurricane

  24. My wife just put this up for me too see. I think im in trouble! So very true and funny though.

  25. Just a hint boys, some women don’t know what they want when they are pregnant. According to hubby, and it shames me to admit cause he was so accommodating, I would ask for something like a sandwich. , get it, then not want it and complain it wasn’t “this or that”. And with the pillows, leave them alone. I used my hubby as a pillow during both pregnancies, he hated it especially once the girls started moving cause they would kick him awake and if he tried to move I’d get pissed, lol.

  26. Funny and a lot of it is true:) but for one!! Pregnancy women are NOT lazy (well the majority aren’t) !! They are freaking tired. I spent the first three months throwing up more calories than I took in while still working part time and being the main caretaker for a very active 4 year old and trying to maintain a house to some decency. And when morning sickness finally quelled those extra big boobs and beautifully round belly you speak up, aren’t so easy to to carry around 24 hours a day whilst still doing all of the same, not to mention the amount of energy that goes into sustaining a pregnancy. I still do a lot most days, but at the end of the day and some days all day, I am really effing tired and if my husband ever called me lazy, he probably would be sleeping on the couch 😉

  27. “Firing up the porn” is horrendous advice. The last thing your pregnant missus needs to discover is you jerking off to slim blonde nymphs. Terrible advice. She had enough to feel crappy about. And as for calling pregnant women lazy; you’re a total dick. I would love to see ANY man cary another human being inside their body whilst that human being feeds off all your energy in order to grow larger and larger with each passing week while your ankles swell and ache and you vomit up everythng you’ve ever eaten.

  28. Rachel: Thank you for telling me what the last thing my pregnant missus needs. Because obviously you know her so well and can totally tell me what’s best for her. I’m ever so grateful to have strangers tell me what’s best for my family. You’re doing noble work, just keep on being you.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Why I’m Fine With My Kids Growing Up So FastMy Profile

  29. I’m 38 weeks today and I feel like shit, but I still find all of this very funny and pretty true – have’t lost the whole sense of humor I guess. I’m lazy as hell, though it’s b/c I feel like crap . In retrospect, if I were in Vietnam, I’d still be working in the rice field, right? My only argument is that since I’ve been pregnant, my husband has become a Crossfit junkie, so he keeps looking better while I keep looking worse. You’re a good husband for getting fat with your wife, if you ask me. Job well done, Daddy!

  30. Am I the only 1 who is super emotional or what? Everytime the is a misunderstanding btwn me and my patner I end up in tears. 25 weeks pregnant.

  31. Thanks for this. My 22 week pregnant girl exhibits most of these. I’m glad to know that this seems to be normal and that I’m not going crazy. But still it’s hard not being able to say ANYTHING about ANYTHING. That’s the number one thing I have to get over.

  32. This is fricken hilarious! Its been quite sometime since I was pregnant (17 yrs) but you never forget those emotions. Love the idea of using daddy for the body pillow! If we get kicked awake by baby, he should too 🙂

    A helpful hint for you guys on the sex issue…We feel tired, fat, hungry, used, taken advantage of etc., try offering her a coca butter full body massage. It helps keep stretch marks at bay, but sometimes we just dont have the energy to do it. Do this WITHOUT thinking you’re gonna get some because it probably wont happen every time but, if you do it right and make her feel relaxed and sensual you may just get lucky! I know I would have been raring to go IF my husband had thought of this.

    Congratulations on the babies!

  33. Oops, one more thing…if she initiates sex, DO NOT TURN HER DOWN! Not under ANY circumstances! No, you aren’t going to hurt the baby, we don’t care that YOU’RE tired, we don’t care if there is a body attatched to the penis at that point….we want to feel wanted and like a childless woman again. If you turn her down once, you will most definitely regret it. My husband did….stil does! 😀

  34. This was very helpful. I’m a newlywed and(1 month now) and we just found out this past weekend that we are preggo. I’ve been looking for a perspective on the man’s role similar to yours and I’m glad I found it. Please tell me, how do you deal with the crazy/unreasonable hormones?

  35. Alcohol helps Ronald.

    But seriously, you just get through it. Sometimes she even knows she’s being unreasonable, but she just can’t help it. Let it wash over you like a rock against the waves and just grit your teeth. It’ll lessen up as the pregnancy goes on. Maybe. Hopefully.

    Good luck and it’s all worth it. Truly.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Why I’m Fine With My Kids Growing Up So FastMy Profile

  36. By far one of the best and most accurate descriptions of “daddys” end of the stick. It truly is so comforting knowing that I am not the one man in this entire universe going through this 40 week obstacle course!

    It’s truly insanely difficult to transfer from one end of the spectrum to the complete opposite. My girlfriend is now 17 weeks preggo and I am SUFFERING through everything listed.

    The best piece of advice given here, DO NOT COMPLAIN. I made this mistake once and fuck did I ever feel the aftermath. As hard as it truly is, just suck it up and get on with it. Man up and take care of your pregnant woman, it will pay off in the long haul and she will look back it this time and remember you as a lifeline instead of big baby whiny bitch.

  37. Thank you so much for writing this piece. I was feeling unloved and frustrated because my wife is going through the first trimester. At least now I know I am not alone. I think I will be able to cope with things better now and be more understanding.

  38. Funny, I’m going through this right now… But my wife stoll loves sex, laughs and inderstands that when I call her fat, it’s just a complete joke. She knows 100% that I am joking. We still sleep together, and I get lots of cuddles and love. She happily shares responsibilities like dishes, laundry, and normal household chores. We have to go grocery shopping together though… Or I’ll end up with artichokes, frozen yogourt, banana peppers, and lasagna noodles to work with for dinner.

    To be blatantly forward, this sounds like a guide for lazy bitches and deadbeat dads with no spines.

  39. Wow!!
    What a good read and so down to earth. My son-in-law will get a mouth full from me. Best to do right by my daughter OR suffer some consequences…

  40. Im about to be a first time dad, Great read and very very funny, we both had a good laugh at this. I staring down the barrel of 9 months of this and #6 could be an issue for me too as im much the same as you by the sounds of it 🙂 oh well

  41. Sometimes I wonder what I’m missing out on as a gay guy, and reading this, I’m feel glad to be able to say I’m exempt. 😛

  42. I wish I could laugh more than cry over this; don’t get me wrong it was hilarious, especially about the food because I’m like that; I’m on my 2nd & most likely last pregnancy & I want sex so much that I wake up in the middle of the night craving it. My fiance says he doesn’t want to touch me because I’m pregnant. He also seems to have some form of fat phobia and I’m only 138 lbs, oh yeah he didn’t say I’m fat its because I have a baby in here. Ha!!!! This baby wasn’t planned & oh yeah I remember why I didn’t want another one. Stupid me, should have gotten an implant instead of oral BC. No alcohol, not enough sleep, no affection, a two year old, no support, thought of even less $$, and I can’t get the person who impregnated me to FUCK me! I recently got an all access pass to a strip club I went to, to celebrate a b-day and now it may actually come to good use. Can’t choose who u actually fall in love with. So…. HORNY right now!!!!

  43. My Girlfriend Is PREGNANT!!!.. Shes going on a month now.. and im really glad i read this before things got real.. she lost mad weight, doesnt eat anything except snacks and pickles.. she blacked out once or twice.. she talks alot of shit, but that was her before the baby.. imagine what im bout to go threw during.. i appreciate this alot.. i am trully going too need this advice.. i love touching her tits, but ima get slapped for it? lol im very sarcastic so now i gotta learn to control my mouth.. this is crazy, i never saw this coming but i swear im happy as a convict getting released from prison.. horrible line but its the truth.. thanks alot tho.. when/will she gain her weight back? i miss her thickness.. she slim now but sexy as hell

  44. This is so funny and true. We don’t want u touching our boobs though because they hurt like hell. I had a qazillion pillows when pregnant. I don’t think I ever got my memory back, and to the man who is worried that his wife isn’t eating, don’t worry. I didn’t eat a lot when I was pregnant. Things didn’t taste good and the textures made me want to vomit. I ate pretty much the exact same thing everyday of my pregnancy. And it was kid portions. I would fill up extremely quick

  45. I’m a pregnant lass who just had to force miscarry for health reasons and I just did a big time LOL on this. I’m guilty of putting my SO in the fire for what he said (or didn’t say) and it was a mess. We are on the verge of breakup as a result but I think if he sees this he will have a big “I get it” moment. Because I sure did as I had no idea how crazy I was. I think I almost cried at a kleenex commercial but sadly I don’t even remember if it was a kleenex commercial.

    As for the whole porn thing I disagree it is insensitive. If you’re pregnant everything he does is insensitive and to be honest it is really dependent on POV. I mean girls have romance novels and even though I imagine my guy being the lead character it’s still is in a way female porn as you’re dreaming up an idealized man. Just because men idealize a female figure and so on doesn’t mean he’s going to go and jump the next young thing just like we won’t ditch our current guy for some don juan. We get turned on by it sure, but it’s fantasy and frankly we love our spouses much, much more than some fictional, make believe story.

    Anyways, I still am puking lots due to the hormones but your blog really helped elucidate my situation and his point of view. I really did act crazy and normally I’m very, very level headed (I’m actually more logical than he is at times…I know…a shocker) so he felt utterly unloved and thought it was over. Pregnancy sucks for both the female AND the male so thanks for highlighting how it is.

    I was very close to the pillow people stage. I laughed so hard at that btw as well as the hallelujah thank you jesus. 🙂

  46. @jamie on lib ass comment LOL!

    And libass, aren’t you a perfect prissy troll?

    His article definitely helped me and so many others because normally I am NOT at all a usual raving psycho bitch but I turned into one because my last pregnancy was horrible. On that note, I’ve been pregnant more than once and let me tell you, every single time it’s different. The first time I was pregnant, I didn’t even have any symptoms. I only knew from the test. Second time I was just hungry. This time I had every symptom imaginable magnified times ten. It was hell on earth.

    So if your woman is as “sweet as can be” you’re frankly a luck SOB. You better believe there’s still a chance she will become a lunatic the next because if you don’t you’re going to want to get a nice fat divorce and the poor woman will be the victim of your insensitivity.

    Oh and I highly doubt he’s a deadbeat dad if he can pull out the humor and love with his wife. Pregnancy sucks and some people would rather leave the relationship than stick around and put up with it, even if they wanted a child.

  47. My other half tested positive a couple of weeks ago and I’m well excited but after reading this I realised that life will never be the same 🙂 in two weeks i have already experienced 80% of the facts you’ve listed! good times!

  48. Aaron,

    Future fathers everywhere owe you a debt of gratitude. Thanks for the advice.

    Lon

  49. Has anyone else noticed arguments for no reason or just general “what is she even mad about? I can’t figure it out moments?

  50. Hey, I[m stoked i stumbled across this straight away,. Found out this morning my missus is preggas. Dunno how much time/drama i reckon u´ve saved me. Thanks mate. I´m pretty onto shit and have figured out within one day, ‘ I know, I know’ is a very valuable phrase. Well done on the context/ interest aspects. I learnt the fuck outta pregnency today, whilst chuckling at the same time with the wit. I Showed me missus too, i´ll think it´ll subtlely point out some stuff for herself not to let happen. She appreciated it saw the funny side, much thanks FlonRon.

    P.S.

  51. Thank you so much for writing this article. I was thinking that I was going insane as the fabric of reality bent in my home. I seriously can’t keep up with it anymore — so it’s helpful to find out that other people experience this too.

  52. The part about being lazy is absolutely bullshit. I am a mother of 2 and I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and final child. I work 40 hours a week in sales and I am a full time student in college. I have 5 college courses right now. On top of that I have to use my 2 days off (saturday and sunday) to clean house and do laundry. What part of this sounds lazy? I am F’ing exhausted. I definitely do not think it is too much for the ‘man’ of the house to get off his truly lazy ass and help more.

  53. I wish my man treated me this good! I am 3 months pregnant and do all the cleaning but he works and I don’t but still. I asked him nicely to wash dishes one day out of the week while I went out to run a few errands and I got home and the dishes weren’t done, he playing PS3 and I yelled at him and he yelled at me but did them while calling me lazy. He rubs me for 5 minutes then stops b/c his hands “hurt” but I rub him for 30-40 minutes b/c he threatens to pay a girl to rub him! I wish he was nice like the guy that wrote this article! I even let my man touch my boobs and have sex when I don’t want to!!

  54. I am 4 months pregnant trying to get my man to realize how much better he needs to treat me. I told him an hour and 15 minutes ago to read these articles and I just told him how long I have been waiting and he told me to “shut up” and “who the fu** cares about some articles someone else wrote!”

  55. I just read four articles out loud to him while he ignored me and opened his laptop up doing something else and I cried and asked him why he was ignoring me and he said why are you reading me something stupid and I said it’s not stupid, it’s important to me and you need to understand pregnant women, what I need and how to treat me. He just yelled at me and called me names and talked shit. I had my first what I think was a panic attack. I couldn’t even breath for 5-10 minutes. I was so scared I was gonna have to be hospitalized. I kept trying to breath and gasping for air and crying while he was telling me to stop doing this to myself and that I am stupid. I don’t know what to do. I am so depressed and I just want to be loved and treated like a princess when I’m pregnant.

  56. Dishes explained…

    I do this ALL the time. This pregnancy isn’t as bad as the last. When making food, our eyes are bigger than our stomachs. We make too much food, but can’t stand the thought of throwing away what we can’t finish. We “think” that we’ll just come back to it later. Later comes….and we don’t want that. It’s old and nasty!

    Coffee is kinda the same. My body can’t handle a full cup of caffeine, and by the time I’m ready to finish it….it’s old. I’ll just grab a new cup.

    It’s totally rational in the pregnant mind….

  57. I know I’m no walk in the park. And perhaps i am moody for no good reason, but my husband takes it so personally. In the end, I am the one feeling guilty. He simply thinks I’m looking for reasons to be bitchy al though sometimes I have good reason. 🙁 He just doesn’t get it :'(… So we both cry after a fight and nothing gets resloved. 32 weeks along and frustrated.

  58. …and he is a total sweetheart and helps me a lot…but its like..if um more patient and tolerant of his messy habits, he does them more. Only when im bitching will he try harder. And then make me feel bad for getting angry.

  59. Just found this post. Funny and sort of true (I’m a woman and have had 2 children). I would like to add serious advice though to any guy out there reading this: it may se obvious. I hope it is. Guys, don’t cheat on your wives, especially while she’s pregnant. Don’t date while she’s pregnant. Don’t tell her, while she’s pregnant, that there is a 25 year old on your softball team that you have a huge crush on. She will not get over it. Ever. It will kill her self esteem and likely make her stop trusting, and cause her to hate all men. Please guys, be nice to your wives.

  60. #14 Your wife will go bat-shit crazy over the smallest things. Local deli forgot to make her sandwich without black olives – she cried, and it ruined the entire rest of her day. I asked if she would run an errand on her way home from work, and she went on a rant for 20 minutes about how offended she was that I would even ask.

    #15 Be prepared to be beaten over the head with the sanctimonious, “I’m growing a baby, what did YOU do today?”

    Shit gets real.

  61. Thank you for the entertainment. It is good to know that I’m not alone on this roller coaster of fucking crazy. Personally I think it is complete garbage that men have to put up with this but you are 100% correct. Carrying a baby wins any argument every time.

  62. Thanks for the truth you have shared I’m going through it with my wife being 5 weeks and my goodness lol.

  63. I’m pregnant…. This is terribly inaccurate. I eat/crave the same food I ate prior(havent put on much weight at all). I’m always horny, and it’s my mate that’s lazy about sex. I could have sex every day, at least that’s how much I find myself masturbating or vibrating. Lol I work 40+ hrs a week. Yes, when I say I’m hungry, I am in fact very hungry. Also, at times, very overly emotional. Not lazy at all though. I’m over the 5 month mark and this is how it’s been my entire pregnancy. Oh and would really love if my mate would touch my boobs 🙁 they look amazing right now! I just wish he would be a bit more affectionate and help out a bit more. I do everything on my own. :/

  64. O Aaron, I think I just fell in love with you – & I really love my husband. Your rainbow unicorn comment just made my day. I didn’t even cry when I pissed myself this time from laughing, or sneezing, or getting up from the sagging couch that I’ve worn 2 ft shorter from my incessant, gravid slumber. It must be nice to be either a) so delusional or b) so full of energy that she can super achieve while growing a parasitic lifeform. But I’m so thankful for your honest assessment & helping me see the humor in a temporary situation that feels like a life sentence at 33 weeks along. I’m so irrationally jealous of the women that seem to keep up. This is my second & I’ve been plagued with constant health problems & I feel so terrible for my boys having to put up with this pathetic excuse of a human I’ve become, so thank you, thank you for writing this perspective for them to relate to! Don’t worry, I won’t stalk you, my love for you has already waned…Jesus! Pregnancy hormones are such a bitch!

  65. Read your article…much is true and straight to the point rather than over emotional flapping woman comments. I’m 10 weeks pregnant. Need my man. Love my man…though so tired and nauseas :-/ He sends me images and writes about ‘how we were’. We cuddle up in bed and on the sofa…yet he feels I have changed and questionning my feelings. I love him so very much, I need and want to be close. (Although hard straight after he has had a fag as the smell makes me feel sick). How how how can I make him feel more loved. I should be the depressed one though how he is feeling, makes me feel shit. Wish he understood how tired I felt (I work full time…demanding job). May be I don’t feel like having sex everyday…doesn’t mean I don’t want to make love at all. Oh golly ….. are pregnancy hormones contagious? I would feel ok (apart from sickness) if my Fiance wasn’t feeling so low 🙁
    LoveMyRip* recently posted..The 11 Most Obnoxious Internet CommentersMy Profile

  66. Mate you are a classic.. Well done.. And I’ve got to say love your rebuttal on the comments.. It’s my favourite bit!!!!

  67. Wow I sure wish I read this 10 minutes ago. My wife has been pregnant for 6 weeks and I just pulled a #13 which left me in complete awe. I then thought I should do some reading on the subject and found this. Well fool me once. My lips are sealed now. Thanks for the insight.

  68. We’re into our second trimester for baby #2 (not counting a miscarriage). Most of this is pretty spot on but my wife is FAR from lazy but it is bursts of activity and not always predictable. Yesterday, while I spent most of the time occupying my 4yo son (which in itself is exhausting), she spent hours cleaning the bathroom, installing window blinds, getting caught up on taxes, doing laundry and trying to pass a kidney stone, and she felt bad for not getting enough done. This does NOT translate over into sexy time, but I can’t hold it against her as frustrating as it is.

    One bit of advice I would add here is LET HER SLEEP IN as much as you can. A well rested wife is a happy wife.

  69. Lazy? What a douche bag. Maybe if I wasn’t anemic taking care of a 2 year old one on one 5 nights a week I wouldn’t be so lazy. Jerk.

  70. Hi, I am getting married next month. But I have few confusion in my mind that. That my wife is only of just 20 years and I do not want baby for the first year. Means I dnt want her to pregnent for the first year. But I also dnt want her to use pills or I also dnt wnat to use condoms as it will not give the feel of love and sex. So please let me know if you guys know any method that I or she can use to hold it for 1 year.

  71. If you are going for comical, then fine… but therwise this list is utter crap. LAZY? ARE YOU FU#$(*G kidding me? Men turn into fragile babies when they have a common cold for a few days… women grow a child in them which takes a TON of energy and a huge toll on their bodies and you call them lazy? WTF? I found a few of these some what funny, but most were just insulting and dumb…. and I actually have a GREAT sense of humor, ask any dude I work with, think Sarah Silverman or Amy Schumer. I only wish men could experience pregancy for just one freaking week… then we would see who is laughing. But until then, keep thinking the common cold or flu are soooo hard to deal with.

  72. Nik, I was thinking the same thing about this douche bag. You cannot write the statement “Pregnant women are LAZY” and not expect to be under fire. Unless you’ve experienced being pregnant, don’t write that kind of shit. Most of this blog post is just unoriginal and ignorant.

  73. Nik: You know how I know people don’t have a great sense of humor? They have to tell people they have a great sense of humor.

    Liz: Well, it had 350,000+ likes on Facebook with hundreds of thousands of shares. And more than a few comments from pregnant women recognizing the humorous tone mixed with a bit of truth. So “under fire?” Hardly. But I got a good laugh from you using “douche bag” and then calling me unoriginal. But by all means, spend more of your precious time commenting on something you find unoriginal and ignorant. And thanks for the page views.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Flatout Helps Me Get In ShapeMy Profile

  74. So i am not sure what i am getting into. I am dating a girl who is preggo with another mans baby. That part not really a problem but as we have only been together a short time i know i dont have the responsibilities of the young fathers out there. I was just trying to do some homework on how to support her better. She is horny randomly whish is great, and she loves to use me as a pillow and while i to be careful she lets me play with the giant funbags
    The weight gain is also true, and really sucks cuz im in the army reserves and have to try and find time for the gym, full time job my reserve commitment and for her. Mostly i just want to know what to expect in the last trimester and how she will change after child birth. For the record i have known her for years but only recently got together because the father decided he didnt want anything to do with her and she moves back home and we crossed paths again.

  75. O….M….G….Really?? I mean REALLY?? You think this is funny? Cute? This is the most sexist and offensive crap on pregnancy I have EVER read. So, men just care about sex, view their loving partners as sex objects that need to ‘give them some’, and you are ACTUALLY trying to justify not being able to complain about things like pathetic dirty dishes because she feels too shitty to be bothered, because Yeah, she’s GROWING A LIFE INSIDE HER. Which you can never do, so therefore have NO IDEA what it is like even REMOTELY?? Lazy? Piss off! So women are just ‘crazy’ even when they are pregnant, and men are just dopey, knuckling dragging, one track minded thugs incapable of anything deep or meaningful? So flattering and progressive. Wow, you are the most pig headed, insensitve, backwards thinking embarassing people of all time. No wonder said partner was so pissed off all the time…. If my partner thought like this I’d dump him pronto. Ladies, you don’t have to settle for this sexist crap. My partner told me- ‘It obviously effects you much more than it does me, especially physically, I have it easy while you as a woman do all the work that I cannot even imagine. It must be so hard and scary. My life doesn’t really change, but your’s does. So I have nothing to complain about.’ and then proceeded to treat me with dignity, love, and respect. What a concept? btw, we have sex all the time while I’m pregnant. Including experimental stuff, and he can touch my boobs, even though it doesn’t feel nice. But if he couldn’t, he’d understand why I wouldn’t want to. If the man gains weight, than tough shit. It’s more equal that way then isn’t it? And I didn’t forget things thanks or have ‘pregnancy brain’. Nor do I eat junk food.

  76. It’s no good Liz or Nik. This is obviously some MRA warrior that thinks he is amazing for spreading around ‘humourous harmless quips’ that crazy females just cannot understand unless they are brainwashed bimbos trying to earn brownie points from men as they have no self esteem at all.

  77. And I can also imagine that one may come back with the tired old suggesting that my partner is just pacifying me crap, because he doesn’t want me to ‘lose it’. Nice try, but no. See guys, SOME men really are good people and not sexist cromagnons. Really, they do exist and are not constantly demeaning and belittling to women in order to boost their pathetic egos and assert their entitlement in a patriarchial society whilst high fiving their ‘bros’ behind women’s backs. There really are men that think all this pitiful and stoneage behaviour is wrong.

  78. Hi Em,

    You’re totally right. I can’t stand my wife and I disrespect her at every turn. In fact, I started this site just so I could make fun of her and disparage her more often and in view of more people. Not even sure why I’m married to her, to be honest.

    And I’m a card-carrying member of the MRA. Yup, you nailed it. That’s why I’ve had so many run-ins with them and they’ve attacked me repeatedly for having “feminist” viewpoints. So I totally hopped on board that train because I thought “You know, these guys are just misunderstood rape apologists.” Thank you for pointing it out.

    If you do even a cursory search of this site, you definitely won’t see any articles on egalitarian gender roles, shared parenting, ending the gender wage gap, marriage equality, and teaching some feminist values to my two boys. No siree. It’s all MRA, woman hatin’ round these parts.

    Sigh.

    I truly hope you find your medication and take it quickly. I’m worried for you. Take care of yourself.
    Daddy Files recently posted..11 Things Dads Should NEVER Say in the Delivery RoomMy Profile

  79. Legendary mate. Thanks for the laughs, validation and advice. 30 weeks now and (lovingly) accommodating…

  80. Oh my goodness!

    I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my name’s MJ too! So I feel you wrote this article specifically for me. Lol! I’m going through a whole lot so it’s incredibly helpful! But first let me say thank you for your continuous response during all these years! Shows patience and commitment.
    2nd. I just can’t fathom why ignoramuses would come to YOUR site to criticize and be negative. People can be stupid but I like how you put everyone in their place!
    3rd, aside for a few tweaks here and there, everything you said is ssoooooo true! But what freaks me out the most is how bitchy I’ve become and it’s absolutely random and uncontrollable! Drives me nuts and my poor beloved husband is getting all the wrath of MJ, bless his heart. I have just become this insatiable mean person to him and it’s not fair. I don’t even recognize my self nor my actions or behavior. I’m now throwing things. I’m angry all the time for shit I swept under the rug all the time in the past. I was thinking yesterday if this has anything to do with nesting and protecting the baby. Still, your article made me feel less like Cruella DeVille.

    My heart goes to all husbands who endure this process. It’s not easy, and pregoes, especially those that these tips relate to, should be aware of this! Thank you husbands for staying with us, for being patient, for being supportive and for not killing us when we have you at your last lifeline during pregnancy.

  81. Ohhh and about the Lazy thing: yes it is not convenient to call pregnant women Lazy, however!!!!! There are some who really are!! Let me tell you. I am one of the directors at my job and during my entire complicated pregnancy I was on my feet and walking about 5 miles a day for 10 to 13 hours 5 days a week and by the time my off day came I felt like a truck ran over my hips and relied on my husband to help me with everything at home. Looking back now since I stayed at work until a week ago and I’m now 37 wks, I can say that laziness is an attribute that some women resort to during pregnancy because of a sense of entitlement. However, there are some of us who really work hard no matter how crappy and horrible we feel. Believe me women, if you were pregnant all by yourself with no help at all, would you never clean, cook, bathe, shop, etc.? Ok, that’s what I thought…. So I’ve lived it. During my pregnancy, one of my co workers was pregnant too, with no complications by the way, and she was literally a sitting all the time while myself and others did all the work. So I think is has to do with the state of mind of a mother to be and physical limitations, but some pregoes are lazy by choice.

  82. I am 9 weeks pregnant and I know this is all true. My poor hubby has had most of this so far. I am usually really active but just feel awful at the moment. I am forwarding this to him. You are a saint and saviour to men best advice ever. I think I need to apologise :S

  83. I’m not at all the same like I was before ,I agree but is that my fault n should that be the reason people start hating me n ignore me .. Do I deserve this during my pregnancy

  84. My wife has just started IVF hormones and ALL of these have come into play over the past month. I hope to God that I’m able to write you in 9 months that I’ve survived, because as of now, she might kill me in my sleep. I don’t even want to imagine how she’s going to react when she actually has a kid inside of her.

  85. I swear to god this is just the tip of the iceberg… My 2 month pregnant wife has lost all sense of humour, eats like a fucking hippo on dope and literally does nothing, i mean nothing that isn’t shovelling food into her maw or devising new ways off shovelling food into her maw. I spend my time running to the shops for random foody things that aren’t even urgent…but, she is carrying my baby and i do love her..i just hope she doesnt catch me posting on here, she will tear me a new one.. i can hear her giant feet coming closer..

    Good blog, shame some folk can’t see the humour, It is very funny and very very true… i will show my wife, in about seven months, maybe…

  86. Well, first of all, thank you for making this blog, it’s great knowing that I not the only one that has to deal with the hormone issues, as of wright now she is 9 weeks pregnant and I’m totally been ignore and if I say something I get the worst look from her, but like you say all I can do is try to not let it get to me and by the way it’s very funny and need to smile.

  87. My gf is 15 weeks pregnant and today we just had an argument that made no sense at all and that made me look for answers on the internet. That’s how i ended up here and wow this make so much sense now. Good thing i’m not alone and you all suffer the same lol

  88. All this stuff had better be a joke. It’s all wrong… If not, you should be shot.

  89. I’m with you go fuck yourself blip
    This article is great and full of good pointers
    Thankyou for the good humor and advice

  90. this article was EXCELLENT! I’m not very far along into my pregnancy but this is my husband and I first child and this article plays the role of a guide for the both of us. I know what to expect from myself over the next couple months and he knows how to handle it. Thank you very much for writing this! And for all those people who are looking for negative aspects of this article can stop with their rude and judgmental comments. You wrote this as a guide for clueless men like my husband who always say and do the wrong thing (unintentionally of course), not to bash your wife or other pregnant women. And as a woman who is expecting, I appreciate this article greatly 😃

  91. This is so funny yet truthful. I can totally relate with all of these! Aaron, you’re such an amazing guy! Looking forward for more of this. Good job man!

  92. I guess I’m going to be the only one that sounds sour, but this is probably the most untrue article I have ever read at least in regards to how my experience went. Sex drive was more than mine. I definitely touched the boobs. She was far from lazy and her eating was on point. Both my wife and I have been gym rats for god knows how long. As matter of fact in my field of physical therapy and personal training I’ve seen that women who are active prior to pregnancy remain active in exercises during pregnancy. She had all belly her foods were broken down and she ate all organic. Of course there were crazy cravings but once again our lifestyle was way different before and the benefits of exercise in someone’s life can change and linger with then through different phases of their lives such a as pregnancy. For all the men out here who read this article and got scared lol don’t be. This is only one person’s experience. I am certified to work with pre, during and post natal women and the stories I hear on a daily basis for active women have made this article seem like a rare case.

  93. Funny but pregnancy is different for everyone. I loved when he played with my boobs, fact is they’re sensitive feels extra pleasurable. Sucking licking gentle grabs\massages! Just don’t go twisting her nipples ! If you’re actually worried about ur penis hurting the baby, don’t tell her ! Complete turn off ! I Disagree to the no sex one, not true. In fact you’ll experience more natural lube than ever; don’t let it go to waste. Gentle with the boobs and you’ll get so lost in that lube, ull completely forget about that baby! Lazy is true but its more like being very tired if u help out she’ll notice and help out too ! All the rest are true! You’re already making an effort if you’re reading this.

    Best of luck! Im not an expert just married 7yrs pregnant with number three 😓

  94. Omfg.. im a first time father and all of these points are spot on. When women are pregnant, they all become the SAME WOMAN.

  95. This is sooooo helpful my fiancé is pregnant with twins 8 weeks and so far all of the things you say are true. Man a pregnant woman can really brake you down but its ok it will get better right? LOL
    Martin M recently posted..When Dad Doesn’t Fit InMy Profile

  96. Well… My fiance’s about 7 weeks pregnant… And although there is constant yelling… And arguing… And name calling… And so on… Shes hornier then ever soooo… I cant really complain i guess… Happy i read this tho… Maybe wont piss her off as constantly

  97. I’m about to have a baby girl. I’m very hormonal, and when the baby sits on bladder, I sometimes pee on myself. So if you are going on a long trip, bring a couple big cups for her, and one for you, because she tends to urinate morev than you. And also bring her a change of clothes in case she dosent make it to the cup. Also if she doesn’t want to use a cup, let her go pee on the side of the road. Also if you’d like, ask her if she would like to wear a pamper in case she has an accident. Also, do not get her anything to drink, because she will be more likely to pee on herself.

  98. I so needed this this morning. One thing I have found being the first guy in my circle of friends to have a baby is there isn’t a lot of places for dad’s to get support or just vent. Any dad forum online I find inevitably has pregnant women or young mothers turn up to tell the dad’s how dare they complain or seek help on how to cope with what they are going through and that they are awful people. Lots of evidence of that in the comments here as well.

  99. Im pregnant with our second baby, but i dont get slack for any of the points here 🙁 i commend all you dads who are paitent with your wifes! I’d just get yelled back at for most of these and others… Guess I didn’t do a gd job of training my husband while i had a chance!

  100. Were bitches no joke when making babies but i think men should read this to see its not just one. We cant help it. Fuck, makin babies aint no joke!!! We know were crazy half the time we just cant help it.

  101. My wife is pregnant now and its a comfort to know that all of these things are common and all men experience this haha. Thanks for the story.

  102. This shit is so real its 02:47 here and reading #13 to her has had my wife and I laughing so hard,its a relief to know that I’m not alone.we are 19weeks preggo, its a bitter sweet symphony.

  103. I found this article through a link in the Guardian newspaper. I found it interesting, in some places failing to correspond to my experience, good fun to read. A nice, provocative piece.
    However, I am struck by the contradiction between the humorous, self-deprecating, tolerant tone adopted by the author in his article, and the viciousness of his reactions to the faintest criticism. A variety of comments is one of the riches offered by online writing.
    I wonder already how much abuse I’ll get from him for this mild comment.

  104. Hahaha! I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I can totally relate. I yell at and about EVERYTHING. I’m grumpy at work, i’m constantly tired so yes, lazy. Overly sleepy. Eat this today, can’t stand it tomorrow. Sex? What is sex? I can’t stand those “do you know you’re not supposed to…” conversations, Jesus, I almost bit off his head once when he reminded me about not drinking alcohol while I was drinking WATER. I cannot stand the smell of deodorant OR sweat, lol. I don’t have pregnancy brain (yet) though, my boobs have refused to grow 🙁 but thankfully my sense of humour is still intact.
    I thought I’d be better equipped for this having witnessed my sister’s 3 crazy pregnancies but I can’t help myself. I really can’t believe people calling the author a douchebag, my husband can’t even laugh without looking at me first to see if it’s okay (lol). The porn advice will not appeal to women who ordinarily do not appreciate porn or have insecurity issues, I don’t see how I’d beat myself up about a hot model on a fucking monitor.
    Bearing the brunt of our hormones is not as hard as going through what we go through but it’s also incredibly hard, harder when the man can’t even complain BEHIND his wife’s back. Cut men some slack. It’s our Decision to get pregnant too, we signed up for this.

  105. OMG I learned this morning that I was going to be a father… your article made us both (future father & mother) laugh out loud, thank you very much !

  106. I have to leave this pulled up on my phone. In case I fuck up and say the wrong joke or in case she’s in one of those moods. I’ll pull my phone out, read this, read some comments, and remember I’m not alone. The sense of humor is for sure the hardest for me. I’m a sailor and have no filter, and I’m a huge sarcastic asshole…. We used to banter back and forth. Now I’m playing dodgeball every time I make a joke, or I’ll say something sarcastic from the other room quietly so she won’t here me that way I can get it out. I don’t seem to learn cause she hears me every time. This is rough, but it’ll be worth it. Thanks for showing I’m not alone!

  107. My wife is pregnant with our second baby, and boy is your article spot on! In my wife’s first pregnancy, she yelled at me about how she wasn’t yelling at me, on face time after I told her “hey, it’s okay. We’re all good. No reason to get upset”. Then 5 minutes later she called back crying and apologized. I literally had no idea what to say.

    This time around, it’s not as crazy bad. I am super worn out from work/making lunches & dinners for my wife, self and 4 year old boy, and making dinner and doing dishes and cleaning the entire house. Let’s just say, it’s nice to know I’m not alone, but I’m worn out and counting down the seconds until my baby is born!

  108. I sure wish I seen these rules before getting my wife pregnant. I was freaking clueless.. It helps to know I’m not alone.

  109. I sure wish I seen these rules before getting my wife pregnant. I was freaking clueless.. It helps to know I’m not alone.

  110. Finallyyyyy I’m not alone hahaha!
    My partner’s on 10th week , I’m also in this daily battle taking care the love of my life and my little bug inside her tummy. I consider myself as a patient guy but there are times that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I can deal with me not being in same bed with her during bedtime. There are just times that you’ll feel being unwanted and unloved like you are being told to go to your parents house or wherever just because she’s stressed out and she does not want to see you, LOL

    I love her very much and the baby but those times were really…ugghhh.. don’t know what to say coz sometimes its hurtful. I look forward to seeing and hugging our little bug when he or she comes out! And feel that it was all worth it 🙂

  111. We’re not lazy we are just so tired… we do have another life form in us putting more weight. We can’t expect to do 98% out of 100% of work around the house. What if we break something? (Detact placenta…which can cause a risk on us if we go into labor early or the baby go in distress)….I love cleaning. Hate a dirty house but that’s your job for what 9 months and 6wks??? Verses us doing it 24hours afterwards which is the normal routine for most cause the Dads are LAZY….

  112. Now not saying all Dads just my man…we have five kids two are mines. Three he has from previous.. I’m always doing 100% of the work and it hasn’t changed even tho I am hurting and haven’t had the proper rest I need.. it’s like oh she tough she can handle it let’s just continue to let her handle EVERYTHING… he needs to see this post. Maybe he’ll understand but doesn’t matter I’m already 36wks… not Mich longer and I’ll still haven’t had the rest I needed… but I love this article…it explains pregnancy for a lot of women. Don’t worry about the ignorance you get thru some of the comments

  113. I am probably the luckiest person alive because my wife has none of the typical pregant issues, not even cravings, not wanting sex, and she actually does not get angry ever when she is just a little hungry.

  114. OMG! I can’t believe every single point is accurate and really thankful to you for this article of yours. Im gonna definitely make my husband read this as he has no clue what i’ve been going through for the last 4 months. He wants to go watch a movie at 9.30p.m. when i’m almost falling asleep by 8.00 . and when I refuse he thinks we are more like an old couple .

    And whenever I say Im tired , he replies ahhh tired of doing nothing. But the pains you go through when you are pregnant are actually hard to be put into words. He’s true. We get angry, hungry , hurt easily, tired so soon , lazy and sleepy. It takes a lot for a man to understand it. 🙂 Thanks again for your important tips!

  115. So many women milk (lulz) the mood swing excuse to the point of abusing their husbands deliberately even when their mood is stable. And there are times when it IS stable.

    All this bullshit about pampering one’s wife is just another sign of women manipulating men. They want us to be so caring and nurturing then slap us in the face. How is this different from BEFORE her pregnancy only exaggerated?

    Don’t be fooled. Pregnant women are fucking worthless.

  116. I love this article! Thank you for writing such a gritty/funny article that doesn’t use crudeness at the expense of women’s integrity. I appreciate the raw male perspective while still honoring women’s awesomeness during pregnancy and childbirth vs a he-man real-talk “just guys” vibe that I see in similar writings. Bravo! 🙂

  117. Think you can ignore your husband? No, because you’ll end up unhappy and probably divorced in time. This is how it really works:

    Want to go on that family trip this summer? Nope. Want to go to the lake this weekend? Too bad. Want to get that new SUV? Can’t do it, sorry. Let’s sit around on the couch all weekend instead. Your man will LOSE his motivation to provide for you and your family, regarding both money and time. His career will probably suffer, which directly affects you and your children. He may in turn buy new expensive toys for himself or spend much of the retirement savings. Primitive man used to counter-act this time period via having multiple wives. In today’s era, this is obviously a “no-no”, thus, you, as his one and only wife and source of sex, have to maintain your sexual activity. If you do not, he will either become unhappy and begin exhibiting the aforementioned behavior, and/or cheat on you. Either way, the health of your relationship goes into the crapper. So, suck it up and give your husband plenty of sex, because men are not capable of sucking it up regardless of what any white knight husbands might say. Even if your vag or your boobs are “off limits”, there is absolutely no reason you cannot provide hand jobs, blow jobs, and foot jobs throughout the time period. Too weird for you? Get over it. Pick one or more, and do it often. Swallow his cum and chase it with water if you have to. Don’t fuck with your family’s health because you’re too lazy or uneasy to wank on his dick with your feet. Get a pedicure and own it. This isn’t just your husbands health. It affects you and your kids.

    I repeat, your husband is biologically not capable of sucking it up during that period of time, so don’t waste one moment thinking he has to be the one to buckle down instead. You’re life as you know it will only be in jeopardy, whether you notice it or not.

  118. That was a steaming pile of bullshit, Justin. As degrading as it was to women, it was also pretty insulting to men because it assumes we’re so shallow we can’t possibly endure a dry spell without cheating. Perhaps that’s true for some guys, but those idiots shouldn’t be married. Thinking your wife owes you sex just because you work and provide financially is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while — and that’s with Donald Trump in the news cycle.
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  119. Can’t believe men find it funny 😡

    I try and search for some of my concerns and guess I find what – made my day. Huh useless men.

  120. Ok so the porn thing is litarly the only thing that got to me he is working and running around like a chicken with his head cut off he literally is to tired to do any thing so I feel unloved and alone but I understand that if I’m asleep at 4 am when he “can’t sleep” and if he wakes me up I’ll flip out and when he did not wake me up I flipped out so he had a catch 22 on his hands , other than that all is very true and with this pregnancy I’m on bed rest from 23 weeks tell baby comes so (lazy) is an understatement haha I feel bad because he could sleep wrong and it pisses me off tbh we both have been on the couch because the bed is unconfy and if he is not next to me I get pissed lol so it’s been fun for us both 26weeks and counting down the day,hour,min,sec tell our 2nd Little boy is here … love the article though

  121. I must say the issue of sex during pregnancy is more case by case.
    When we were expecting our first child I would regularly walk in the door after work and be stripped and ravaged by a naked woman seemingly that had just swallowed a basketball…… I could only say ” Thank you Jesus “!……. With # 2 she was so sick then matters of that type were left to the land of post partum……with # 3 not only were the minefields laid but in the post partum play land was surrounded with barbed wire and had the warning that stated ” NO ENTRY UNTIL VASECTOMY “

  122. Partly funny. #1. Pregnant women are not LAZY they are tired. Because they are growing a human, chasing the other kids and dealing with their husbands relentless “comedy.” #2. I don’t want to carry the groceries. I also don’t care about your dinner or your lack of clean underwear (refer to #1). My additional opinions have been misplaced due to my serious lack of memory. You were doing so well there for a minute!

  123. Dude,
    I’m laying wide awake as my recently pregnant wife sleeps beside me. It is 745 pm and I am in hell. If I move and wake her up I’ll be toast. Thanks for laugh pal.

  124. Thanks for this, all very familiar (wife 25 weeks pregnant with first child.)

    One thing I find that is making every worse: all the moms telling my wife that they “loved being pregnant.” Just makes my wife feel like she is abnormal in hating pregnancy.

    So to all the moms out there, I beg you: when talking to a pregnant woman, please, please, please…just tell her how much you hated it (but that it was worth it too!)

  125. Great article! So true. My husband really enjoyed it also. Thanks for the laugh.

  126. Lol awesome and hilarious! Now if only I can get the husband to read it so that he doesn’t get any nasty surprises!
    I’m only 5 weeks along and don’t feel too different. Hopefully it stays that way!! Thanks for the lols

  127. Haha just forwarded to hubs after he tried telling me we were running too late for a Starbucks drive through. Consider #1 a warning lol

  128. Well being pregnant is hard and let me tell you, I have to a man who acts like a kid, yells at me telling me the place is dirty, knowing that I work and still taking care of my son, he still expects me to do everything and not even help me when he has his days off. I say that is bull that I have a man or a woman I shall say that doesn’t help me with crap… now who thinks that that is wrong and he should help me knowing that I am pregnant and expects me to do everything even for him

  129. Hello Daddy Files,

    My pregent wife just got me to read this lol. This will be my 3rd with her so I can rightfully say that if any man going through this for the FIRST time better take this to heart and study it lol.

    Are couple things that has never happened with my wife and I in all 3. The whole sex section, lasted maybe the first month. Also gaining weight, can not gain weight if your working in construction and having sex :).

    The pregnancy brain is REAL! Once the oven was on for a solid 3 hours. I was wondering why the living/dinning room was so hot. I started opening the windows and noticed that the oven light was on and th oven door open lol.

    Thank you for the laughs, keep it up man! Congratulations as well.

  130. You’re a fucking asshole. Gain some respect. You probably should’ve remained single. I pray your wife left you. She carried your children you fucking pig.

  131. LMAO holy cow this is awesome!! I’m 26weeks and this is my life right now. I’m currently working and going to school but when I get home, I don’t do shit lol I am lazy at home lol. I’ve tried my best not to be a bitch, and I have apologized to my husband for kicking him out of our bedroom. Just reading how much you love and understand MJ gives me hope that he won’t hate me forever lol. Thank you Daddy Files!

  132. Wait, there are husbands that do chores for pregnant wives and sleep on the couch? 26 weeks, still doing all the laundry and dishes and sleep on the couch once or twice a week…

  133. Okay people help me out here i’m in a big problem if i’m the only one. I was a signal Dad when i meet her six months ago, we never had any problem’s and are relationship is great but now we found out she prego. Her first trimester is so bad and gets’s worst every week. It’s as if the more I do for her the more mean or annoyed she is with me. I Get up every morning to get my boy’s ready for school and make them breakfast and take them to school come back and make her breakfast snacks for work and lunch pull up her car and can’t even get a kiss good by no more and off to work i go. Well last week was the worst week ever She just went to work and didn’t come back she stayed with her parents all week rare answered my text’s and doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s killing my son and i to not be with her and i just don’t get it is this normal? The only thing she said was her reason to leave is she doesn’t deserve me and i don’t deserve to be treated like that and she rather keep her distance and stop asking a hundred questions when i don’t??????HELP ME has some gone through this and came out okay? Any ideas as what i can do to make her come back?

  134. This is pratically my life with my wife since… well 4-5 years now, but she is not pregnant and never been. And i am afraid when she get pregnant it will just be too much to bear and that i might flip a switch and just leave.
    Yup something is wrong.

  135. This makes me excited for when women wont need men any more. 😄 Sometimes I think men lack critical thinking as to what they’re doing wrong. If I impregnated a woman I would let her laze out all she wanted to and I would cater to her every need and desire. She would have no reason to be mad at me because I would pick up her end of things so that she wouldnt have to stress about what is avoidable. I wouldnt need to jack off to porn when my honey isnt up to it, thats unfaithful to look at another woman. Which I dont understand what is so hard for you to wrap your head around. What if your wife was looking at other men naked fantasizing about them cause youre sleeping and not up to it, how would that make you feel? Like an inadequate male that cant provide for your woman? Consider her feelings and pull your head out of your ass.

  136. Great advice: become an alcoholic, yeah that’s rich. Im sure youll be a great father cause everything is a big joke. Sarcastic much? I sure hope youve changed your views on life after having that child becoming a reality.

  137. GetReal: You are a raging moron. You think it’s “unfaithful to look at another woman?” Are you kidding me? Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you suddenly lose the ability to appreciate beauty in others. And yes, I know my wife looks at other men. So what? She chose me as I chose her. But that doesn’t mean we can’t say “Hey, look at that hottie” to one another. Only the most insecure of couples couldn’t even LOOK at someone else for fear it would send their marriage into a tailspin. I hope you’re not married with that attitude.
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