13 Things Men Need to Know About Pregnant Women

angry_pregoWhen it comes to handling pregnant women, I’m no expert. Hell, I haven’t even figured out how to deal with women in general. In fact, I’m the antithesis of an expert. Luckily for you, I’ve made just about every single stupid mistake and placed my foot so far in my mouth during MJ’s pregnancies that I’m overqualified to speak to you about things you need to know to avoid getting knocked out by the knocked up.

Here are the 13 most important things to remember.

1. Feed Her Constantly
Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence. The bottom line is when she says she’s hungry, she means it. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your fucking face. Know that “I’m hungry” doesn’t mean she’s looking forward to the dinner plans you have in an hour. It means give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant. And then again when you get in the car. Failure to give that woman snacks will result in extreme bitchiness at best, and bodily injury at worse. Just turn yourself into a walking, talking vending machine for 9 months and you’ll be fine.

2. Food: What’s Yours is Hers, What’s Hers is Off-Limits
You’ve likely been married or together a few years now, so it’s perfectly understandable that you bought into all that stuff about togetherness and sharing a life, etc. And while some of that still applies, all bets are off when it comes to food. If you eat food that’s hers (or food you bought for yourself but she somehow claimed it as hers), she will cut you. Not physically perhaps, but by the time she’s finished excoriating you you’ll wish it was just a knife wound you suffered. I ate some of MJ’s chocolate once and when she went to find it during a craving and saw that it was gone, she flew into a rage that was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Just don’t do it.

3. Get Ready to Gain Weight
Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? That’s no mistake. Ultimately at some point she’ll have cravings. When MJ was pregnant with Will she wanted pizza, Kit-Kats & grapefruit. This time around it’s nothing but fruit salad. But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain weight too. Mainly because we inevitably partake in her cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. I gained 25 lbs during MJ’s pregnancy 5 years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained — WITH THE BABY! So watch your step.

4. Don’t Point Out How Big She’s Getting
My Boston sports habit notwithstanding, I’m a fairly logical person. I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. That’s why I thought absolutely nothing of pointing out my wife’s really cute swollen belly. In my mind it was just nature progressing and running its course, and there was nothing more beautiful. But after the first 2-3 times I said it, she snapped on me. “STOP TELLING ME I’M FAT! I KNOW I’M FAT! I DON’T NEED YOU POINTING IT OUT!!” It didn’t matter that in my eyes she never looked more beautiful or that she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. Which leads me to my next point…

5. “Pregnancy Brain” is Very Real
I know it sounds like some sort of cutesy, media-created term. But it’s not. Pregnancy Brain is legit. It starts with everyday occurrences like looking for her glasses while they’re on her head, which is kinda cute. But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion. And in a fit of irony, I just asked MJ to give me more examples of Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn’t — because she can’t remember.

6. Goodbye Sense of Humor
The good news is she’s gained a baby. The bad news? There wasn’t enough room for the baby AND her sense of humor. If you’re a smartass like I am, this is especially troubling since I show affection by giving people good-natured shit. Unfortunately, my pregnant wife does not appreciate my unique brand of humor whilst carrying our little parasite around in her stomach. The results are often me firing off (what I consider to be) beautiful comedic quips and zingers, which don’t just fall on deaf ears, they fall on potentially homicidal ears. You’ve been warned.

7. Say Goodbye to Sex
Listen to me carefully — you’re about to be sexually frustrated. The first trimester is by far the worst. It’s when she’ll be going through the most changes and feeling the shittiest. It’s everything she can do to avoid throwing up every morning (and sometimes at night), so you feeling unloved and “backed up” doesn’t really register. So fire up the porn and give yourself a hand, because you’re now a sex camel my friend. The only silver lining is you’ll have sex two times during the pregnancy. You have a 1-2 week window where her sex drive returns early in the second trimester. Enjoy that, because it’s not happening again until very late in the pregnancy. Right at the end she’ll be so desperate to get the baby out of her that she’ll use you in the hopes that sex will send her into labor. It’s slightly awkward, but after the drought it’s a welcome relief — as long as her water doesn’t break right then and there.

8. Yes Her Boobs Are Bigger, No You Can’t Touch Them
While we’re on the topic of sex, let me tell you about one of Nature’s cruelest tricks. When a woman is carrying a child, it’s a beautiful thing. That “pregnant glow” you always hear about is real, mainly because she’s carrying around a few extra pints of blood which does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and — her rack. A becomes C, B becomes D and C becomes Hallelujah Thank You Jesus! They swell up to gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at the seams and popping off her chest in a fit of Playboy glory. The only problem is you’re not allowed to touch them. It’s like going to the pet store and seeing the cute puppies behind the glass but not being able to pet them. They’re adorable and you want to take them home and keep them forever, but if you try to motorboat her puppies she will slap the shit out of you. Trust me.

9. Your Dick Can’t Won’t Hurt the Baby
Speaking of sex, let’s get this one out of the way right now — your penis will have no effect on the baby in your wife’s womb. Got that? I don’t care if you’re on par with Ron Jeremy or not, your dick is not going to scare the kid and it’s certainly not going to poke him in the forehead. Not only that, but any suggestion to the contrary will send your pregnant wife into hysterics. And there’s nothing more demoralizing than a conversation that involves your penis and hysterical laughter. So I’m told…

10. You Will Be Replaced by Pillows
Did you spend a crap ton of money on a mattress? Some sort of memory foam or pillowtop deal that makes you feel like 1,000 little angels are massaging you as you fall asleep every night? Well I hope you spent money on a comfortable couch because that’s likely where you’ll be sleeping for a decent part of the pregnancy. And it’s not so much the increased space your pregnant wife takes up either. It’s the pillows. Yup, that’s right. You become increasingly irrelevant as the pregnancy wears on, but the 37 pillows — including that godforsaken full-body pillow — become absolutely vital nighttime companions. And when push comes to shove, you’re getting the shove to the sofa.

11. Don’t Treat Her Like Glass
Many men — myself included — feel very protective of their wives as is. But when it’s our baby growing inside of her, that suddenly ratchets up several notches. I try not to let MJ open doors, carry groceries, pick up heavy objects, etc. And for whatever reason, that sticks in her craw something fierce. It’s not that I don’t think she can fend for herself, I just feel it’s more important than ever to keep her safe and to make sure the heavy lifting is kept to a minimum. And that’s when I get the “I’M NOT MADE OF GLASS, STOP TREATING ME LIKE A PRINCESS!” retort. Oh well, husbands/boyfriends of pregnant women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

12. Pregnant Women Are Lazy
This one is VERY touchy. After all, they’re carrying new life around inside of them. Their bodies are growing, stretching and changing to accommodate said life. But the fact remains, pregnant women are L-A-Z-Y. Case in point, a disturbing trend has emerged in the Daddy Files household the last few weeks. MJ has not only stopped doing dishes, she’s no longer even attempting to put the dirty dishes in the sink. Instead, she brings them into the kitchen and puts them a foot away from the sink. Moreover, all of the coffee cups are half-filled and every bowl has a ton of soggy cereal remaining in it. I don’t mind doing the dishes, but I do mind a counter full of crap. How hard is it to empty the dishes and move them ONE MORE FOOT into the sink?? But you can’t gripe about this because…

13. You Can’t Complain
All these things I’ve listed? You can’t mention any of them to your pregnant wife. Because even if she’s lazy, not giving you any, won’t let you touch her boobs, can’t remember a thing, sleeping with the Pillow People, making you crash on the couch, putting on massive amounts of weight, and eating you out of house and home, it doesn’t matter. She’s pregnant. She’s carrying your child. Which means she’s got the trump card and all your complaints are hereby dismissed. Seriously, just think about you complaining and what her response will be. Something like “Dishes? You’re complaining about dishes?? I’m growing a human being in my stomach the size of a watermelon that I’ll eventually have to push out an opening the size of a lemon. NOW WHAT WERE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT AGAIN?!?”

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50 thoughts on “13 Things Men Need to Know About Pregnant Women

  1. Look at it this way Aaron. At least she isn’t having twins. Take some of those rules and multiply them by 3. Not an equal ratio I know but it’s true. At least that’s what I hear. (laughing awkwardly)

  2. Great hilarious and true synopsis, Aaron!
    Having lived through 2 of my own pregnancies & deliveries, I thought I was fully prepared for my wife/partner’s pregnancy with our twins, but alas, women can all have their own idiosyncrasies!
    I think you should also make a list for those folks who may need a refresher on what to do once labor starts and after the baby or babies arrive, because that roller coaster is far from over!
    My most important piece of advice would be to make sure she has a cold ( non-alcoholic) drink nearby at all times after delivering!
    Melinda Shaw recently posted..Snowballs From Heaven!My Profile

  3. #3 – When my wife was pregnant with our first, I gained 35 lbs. I also got my first case of hemorrhoids. Pretty sure, the former and the latter were both supposed to happen to my wife, the soon-to-be-mother and not me, the soon-to-be-dad. As someone who, until then, had weighed 185 lbs. for a solid ten years since I was 20, never fluctuating more than +- 2 lbs., I now refer to this time period as the “Fat Daddy Era.”

    Thankfully, I’ve since lost 30 lbs. Not because I went and paid for an outrageously expensive gym membership. Instead, simply by chasing my toddler daughter around the house in an effort to put her shoes on so that we can go to daycare. Great cardio in the AM.
    Jeffro recently posted..Shit HappensMy Profile

  4. You’re a “content manager for a website,” which appears to translate loosely into “I write crappy ‘humour’ articles about parenthood.” She’s pregnant with a baby you basically bullied her into having, and she works outside the home. And SHE’S the lazy one. Okay. And get stuffed, boyo.

  5. Blip. Go fuck yourself. Moron.

    First of all, this site is my personal site and has ZERO to do with my full-time day job. I didn’t “bully” my own wife into having a baby. It’s something we’ve wanted for years. And right now she doesn’t work outside the home because she’s out on medical leave. So you’re 0 for 3 you fucking dolt.

    At least try to have some facts and know what you’re talking about before you make an absolute fool out of yourself.
    Daddy Files recently posted..13 Things Men Need to Know About Pregnant WomenMy Profile

  6. #4 and #13 should be considered life saving advice. I was told early on about the dangers of complaining and ignored. Bad idea. Also with #4, whenever another person mentioned how big she looked, I felt the wrath. I can’t count how many times my wife was pleasant as she was being told about her size, then as soon as we were alone all hell broke loose.
    Sean recently posted..Baby spit up vs Puppy pukeMy Profile

  7. It’s worse when the trolls are stupid and misinformed. Some people have way too much time on their hands.

  8. Wow. You are the man. You’ve got one lucky wife…cause there sure are a hell of a lot of husbands that are clueless to all of these rules. Thanks. I needed a laugh. 25weeks preg here.

  9. So true and so funny. I am forwarding this to my husband. He needs to know he’s not alone. The pillow thing hits close to home. I have a U-shaped double body pillow thingy that takes up over half the bed…and I’m only 22 weeks along!

  10. Luckily though Hannah has a man who has been a single dad, cleans, cooks, fixes things and is a Marine, so she gets all the bennies of a maid, butler, handyman, nanny and security service all in one package. ;)

  11. I’m currently 39 weeks pregnant with my second pregnancy in two years and had to read this to my husband. It is all so true! We laughed hysterically — until he laughed a little too hard and pissed me off. LOL.

  12. Dude, with the exception of #12 I think you made my day. I’m preggers with our FIFTH kid and let me tell you — and my husband will definitely agree — my boobies are MINE until a certain litle someone comes in a few months and claims them for his own. Everything else is true. My body pillow is like the Great Wall of China between us and it’s staying there. My husband really likes the couch. We even moved it up to our bedroom.

  13. My wife is opposite of all,she wants sex constantly and won’t let me take my hands off her boobs. On the good side she argues like crazy and loves to point out every little thing I do wrong. Gotta love em. How can I make her feel more comfortable?

  14. This is mostly very much on target.

    Some caveats:
    You can do things and carry heavy things for her, if you casually get to them first. She will award you hero points mentally, unless you point them out, in which case, she’ll glare.
    (This mostly isn’t necessary until she starts getting slow and tired. However, you’d best beat the wife with the nesting urge to the nursery furniture.)

    Beware of the urge to feed pregnant women tons of junk food. When she’s feeling sensitive about her weight, yogurt, exotic fruits, sandwiches, etc, are good first choices. Don’t double her portion sizes on everything, or try to feed her ice cream every night, any more than you’d debate her occasional urges to get naughty.

    Her sex urges may come and go in strange ways, and they’ll probably be very specific to things going on with her. It’s simpler to say that they’re gone, but it’s often far from the truth. It is worth paying a little attention to how she’s feeling before testing the water. The tiny bladder may veto all urges for a little while. Sometimes, the hormones will go crazy for 5 minutes, and you have to start NOW. Some times, she’ll be really tired. Body parts that are growing a lot need to be touched differently. She may want to go straight to third base, or otherwise massively change the routine. She may forget to feel pretty till you flirt. Her first trimester may be utterly easy, or full of nausea. The second trimester is good to most women. The third can be tiring, particularly the last month, and she may start to worry about kicking off early labor. The hormones can be seriously weird, and prompt sudden needs anytime. If you’ve just watched an hour of Benedict Cumberbatch, served up a little dark chocolate, and given her a nice foot rub, watch out for that look in her eye, no matter what month it is.

  15. I really love your blog! It’s really cool to see men speaking up for themselves and showing people that good husbands/fathers are out there! — It’s unfortunate that these good men are totally overshadowed by Hollywood and the negativity in the media! & this post describing pregnancy from a man’s perspective is the funniest thing I’ve read! Love your sense of humor!

  16. I just sent this to my daughter to show her husband, I consider it a life saving measure, lol.

  17. Wish I would of seen this earlier!
    (33 weeks)
    4th night sleeping on the couch and lucky to still be alive!!!
    33 weeks

  18. In my experience one of the unnecessary ass-pains with my wife’s pregnancy is that the folks in marketing have got hold of it. Thanks to Sex in the City, the Kardashains and Hello Magazine my wife has this dream of a perfect pregnancy that is impossible to live up to.

    So now on top of all the regular shit that comes with pregnancy she feels that she has to wear designer clothes, get upset at designer clothes not fitting anymore, hold coffee mornings for her chums where she serves home baked organic muffins, arrange dinner parties, have a “babymoon” on some exotic island, has professional photo shoots for her bump and plan elaborate murals for the nursery wall. The overall plan appears to be creating a situation where her friends and acquaintances feel compelled to say “oh isn’t she amazing, I don’t know how she does it”.

    Of course she can’t do it. It’s too much. Invariably each of these schemes ends up being half-baked or an out and out fail – probably because we are busy trying to prepare for a new born fricking baby.

    So she gets upset because she isn’t being super-pregnant women and I end up copping the flak. Of course I could try talking some sense into her…. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Seriously this baby can’t come quick enough.

  19. Marco: Nail on the head my friend. Nail on the head. Sorry to hear things are rough, but the baby will come soon and then she’ll be too tired to even think about that other stuff. Good luck and smooth sailing!
    Daddy Files recently posted..School Pictures are ObsoleteMy Profile

  20. A lot of these are spot on! And so funny :p the only thing I didn’t experience with my second child is the laziness (although I did go through some of that with my first lol). I had that nesting urge through my entire pregnancy! I cleaned everyday, and I mean really changed, like mop the floors, scrub the tub and shower, clean baseboards everyday kind of cleaning… And now my husband is spoiled and won’t help out with household chores at all. The dishes right next to the sink? Yeah,i can totally relate right now. :/

  21. OMG!! My wife tested positive today and I am over the moon…but I still have this mixed feelings. Thanks so much for these hilarious facts, I gotta psyche myself for that. Already she is complaining about her boobs, they look so full I cant resist. :(

  22. 33 weeks and 4 nights on the sofa. Oh perleease, my partner isn’t even 9 weeks gone and I’ve spent *far* too many damn nights on either the reclining chair that manages to cut off circulation to the legs after too long, or on the floor – all in the name of not having to clean up puke first thing in the morning (or any other time of the day – morning sickness….misnomer if ever there was one) not to mention not sleeping in the bed at her request cause it makes her feel gippy.
    My only concern is that she isn’t eating. She didn’t eat a damn thing yesterday, because she didn’t want anything. So I really don’t know what to make of that shit. I offered to make her something, get her some cereal, make a sandwich, shit, chips and gravy for all I cared, but she still didn’t want to eat anything. I’m kinda hoping today is going to be different – seeing as yesterday was the first time I’d seen her not actually wanting to eat anything.

    Great article btw. I haven’t laughed that much in ages (I’ve had my face chewed off by the missus pre-pregnancy so yeah, I still laughed at that shit too).

  23. Really sounds like me n my wife,thanks I needed this laugh so true I about threw in the towel I went from I love u to having sex,to I’m on the couch she moody I need a beer and I don’t drink! :) 5 months to go half way threw he storm/hurricane

  24. My wife just put this up for me too see. I think im in trouble! So very true and funny though.

  25. Just a hint boys, some women don’t know what they want when they are pregnant. According to hubby, and it shames me to admit cause he was so accommodating, I would ask for something like a sandwich. , get it, then not want it and complain it wasn’t “this or that”. And with the pillows, leave them alone. I used my hubby as a pillow during both pregnancies, he hated it especially once the girls started moving cause they would kick him awake and if he tried to move I’d get pissed, lol.

  26. Funny and a lot of it is true:) but for one!! Pregnancy women are NOT lazy (well the majority aren’t) !! They are freaking tired. I spent the first three months throwing up more calories than I took in while still working part time and being the main caretaker for a very active 4 year old and trying to maintain a house to some decency. And when morning sickness finally quelled those extra big boobs and beautifully round belly you speak up, aren’t so easy to to carry around 24 hours a day whilst still doing all of the same, not to mention the amount of energy that goes into sustaining a pregnancy. I still do a lot most days, but at the end of the day and some days all day, I am really effing tired and if my husband ever called me lazy, he probably would be sleeping on the couch ;)

  27. “Firing up the porn” is horrendous advice. The last thing your pregnant missus needs to discover is you jerking off to slim blonde nymphs. Terrible advice. She had enough to feel crappy about. And as for calling pregnant women lazy; you’re a total dick. I would love to see ANY man cary another human being inside their body whilst that human being feeds off all your energy in order to grow larger and larger with each passing week while your ankles swell and ache and you vomit up everythng you’ve ever eaten.

  28. Rachel: Thank you for telling me what the last thing my pregnant missus needs. Because obviously you know her so well and can totally tell me what’s best for her. I’m ever so grateful to have strangers tell me what’s best for my family. You’re doing noble work, just keep on being you.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Why I’m Fine With My Kids Growing Up So FastMy Profile

  29. I’m 38 weeks today and I feel like shit, but I still find all of this very funny and pretty true – have’t lost the whole sense of humor I guess. I’m lazy as hell, though it’s b/c I feel like crap . In retrospect, if I were in Vietnam, I’d still be working in the rice field, right? My only argument is that since I’ve been pregnant, my husband has become a Crossfit junkie, so he keeps looking better while I keep looking worse. You’re a good husband for getting fat with your wife, if you ask me. Job well done, Daddy!

  30. Am I the only 1 who is super emotional or what? Everytime the is a misunderstanding btwn me and my patner I end up in tears. 25 weeks pregnant.

  31. Thanks for this. My 22 week pregnant girl exhibits most of these. I’m glad to know that this seems to be normal and that I’m not going crazy. But still it’s hard not being able to say ANYTHING about ANYTHING. That’s the number one thing I have to get over.

  32. This is fricken hilarious! Its been quite sometime since I was pregnant (17 yrs) but you never forget those emotions. Love the idea of using daddy for the body pillow! If we get kicked awake by baby, he should too :)

    A helpful hint for you guys on the sex issue…We feel tired, fat, hungry, used, taken advantage of etc., try offering her a coca butter full body massage. It helps keep stretch marks at bay, but sometimes we just dont have the energy to do it. Do this WITHOUT thinking you’re gonna get some because it probably wont happen every time but, if you do it right and make her feel relaxed and sensual you may just get lucky! I know I would have been raring to go IF my husband had thought of this.

    Congratulations on the babies!

  33. Oops, one more thing…if she initiates sex, DO NOT TURN HER DOWN! Not under ANY circumstances! No, you aren’t going to hurt the baby, we don’t care that YOU’RE tired, we don’t care if there is a body attatched to the penis at that point….we want to feel wanted and like a childless woman again. If you turn her down once, you will most definitely regret it. My husband did….stil does! :D

  34. This was very helpful. I’m a newlywed and(1 month now) and we just found out this past weekend that we are preggo. I’ve been looking for a perspective on the man’s role similar to yours and I’m glad I found it. Please tell me, how do you deal with the crazy/unreasonable hormones?

  35. Alcohol helps Ronald.

    But seriously, you just get through it. Sometimes she even knows she’s being unreasonable, but she just can’t help it. Let it wash over you like a rock against the waves and just grit your teeth. It’ll lessen up as the pregnancy goes on. Maybe. Hopefully.

    Good luck and it’s all worth it. Truly.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Why I’m Fine With My Kids Growing Up So FastMy Profile

  36. By far one of the best and most accurate descriptions of “daddys” end of the stick. It truly is so comforting knowing that I am not the one man in this entire universe going through this 40 week obstacle course!

    It’s truly insanely difficult to transfer from one end of the spectrum to the complete opposite. My girlfriend is now 17 weeks preggo and I am SUFFERING through everything listed.

    The best piece of advice given here, DO NOT COMPLAIN. I made this mistake once and fuck did I ever feel the aftermath. As hard as it truly is, just suck it up and get on with it. Man up and take care of your pregnant woman, it will pay off in the long haul and she will look back it this time and remember you as a lifeline instead of big baby whiny bitch.

  37. Thank you so much for writing this piece. I was feeling unloved and frustrated because my wife is going through the first trimester. At least now I know I am not alone. I think I will be able to cope with things better now and be more understanding.

  38. Funny, I’m going through this right now… But my wife stoll loves sex, laughs and inderstands that when I call her fat, it’s just a complete joke. She knows 100% that I am joking. We still sleep together, and I get lots of cuddles and love. She happily shares responsibilities like dishes, laundry, and normal household chores. We have to go grocery shopping together though… Or I’ll end up with artichokes, frozen yogourt, banana peppers, and lasagna noodles to work with for dinner.

    To be blatantly forward, this sounds like a guide for lazy bitches and deadbeat dads with no spines.

  39. Wow!!
    What a good read and so down to earth. My son-in-law will get a mouth full from me. Best to do right by my daughter OR suffer some consequences…

  40. Im about to be a first time dad, Great read and very very funny, we both had a good laugh at this. I staring down the barrel of 9 months of this and #6 could be an issue for me too as im much the same as you by the sounds of it :-) oh well

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