Monthly Archives: August 2008

A Regular Weekend!

This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

I have to work tomorrow night but I have Sunday and Monday off. Do you hear that? I have two days off in a row!!!!! I could not be more excited.

That having been said, I probably won’t be posting much because the wife and I actually have some plans this weekend. We’re going to be at our friend’s house in Yarmouth drinking a few beers and having ourselves a ball. Six or seven adults, at least two kids, good food and plenty of beer. I can’t wait. So I’m actually going to unplug for a couple of days and completely ignore this blog and the Internet in general. We’ll see how that plan actually goes…

Here are a few quick hits to tide you over:

– While I won’t vote for her, Sarah Palin is not just a MILF. She’s a GILF!! (Governor I’d Like to F–k!)

 

 

– I can’t announce any good news yet but hopefully soon. Just awaiting final approval.

– Cape Cod Gal is a frequent commenter and as it turns out, a wonderfully talented writer herself. Check out her blog here and you won’t be disappointed.

– I have an idea for a hit TV show that involves mothers and their babies. I’ll post more next week.

– And finally, have a happy and safe Labor Day weekend everybody. And if you’re in Yarmouth and you hear drunken screams, the cries of children and police sirens…someone bail me out immediately!

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M.I.L.F.

This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

MILF.

This term has been around for a long time now, but really came into prominence with the movie “American Pie” in the late 90′s. You should all already know what it means, but there’s probably a few people reading this who are thinking to themselves “What the hell is a MILF??” So for those living in a cave or trapped under a large boulder, MILF stands for Mom I’d Like to….well, if you can’t get the “F” word yourself then you’re hopeless. Another acceptable phrase is “Yummy Mummy.” I’m going on the assumption you get the picture.

This word made an appearance on yet another one of my parenting Web sites, and I was shocked to see that some women have a problem with it.

Why would any mother take offense to being called a MILF?? If anything, I see this as nothing but a ringing compliment from guys. In fact, I was thrilled when MJ got pregnant because that meant in 9 months I’d be married to a MILF! That means a woman recently put on weight, had a baby and after all of that she’s STILL hot. For those reasons and more, there is not much I can think of in terms of higher praise from the male sex than being labeled a MILF. So if you moms out there see guys leering at you while you’re pushing the stroller around, chances are you’re probably in the club. Don’t shy away from it, embrace it. Embrace the MILFness that is you!

And while I think the MILF label is fitting, I want to know why isn’t there an equivalent for dads? Fathers are always left out of this kind of stuff as if we don’t matter. I know I’ve written about this before but Father’s Day is nothing but an afterthought to Mother’s Day. Moms have “Mother’s Intuition” but do dads have something similar? Nope. In fact we are told more often than not that we don’t know what the hell we’re talking about. But back to the matter at hand…

I’m proposing an official name for fathers that lets us embrace our good looks, which of course only get better with age! While we don’t give birth, we do go through the whole ordeal with you and maybe we’d like some women drooling over us and giving us catchy nicknames. So without further ado, here are my suggestions for the male equivalent to MILF:

– DILF (Dad I’d Like to F–k):
This is, obviously, similar to the MILF and carries with it the same insinuations.

– DD (Doable Daddy)
I like this one because it also refers to breasts as well. For instance a woman checking out a hot dad could say “Mmmmmm…I’d let that DD play with these DDs anytime!”

– FILTH (Father I’d Like to Hump)
Self explanatory I think.

– DIDDO (Dad I’d Do)
Again, could be fun to use in a sentence such as a woman saying “Hey girlfriend, would you diddle that DIDDO over there?”

– PHAT (Papa’s Hot And Tempting)

So that’s all I could think of during my day off yesterday. But all you MILFs, Yummy Mummys, DDs and everyone else should feel free to suggest your own. C’mon people, get creative and wow me so I can steal it, claim it as my own and take all the credit.

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Torture Can Be Fun!

This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

OK, so maybe this makes me a bad parent but I don’t care. It was just too funny. Will is very mobile in his walker on wheels. He just glides around the living room on the hardwood floors with reckless abandon. And despite all the toys and stuffed animals and rattles we bought him, the only thing he wants to play with are the newspapers. The obvious problem with that, however, is when he scrunches all of it up in his hands because of the ink. His hands turn black and I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t be ingesting news ink. But when he’s in the stroller he makes a beeline for the newspaper bin. So I concocted a newspaper bin defense system which sounds fancy, but really just consists of our Nintendo Wii box blocking the bin so there’s no way he can maneuver close enough to the newspaper to get them. I kind of thought he’d try once or twice and then give up and go on to greener pastures. But my son is proving more tenacious and determined than I gave him credit for. He’s been trying to figure out a way to get to the newspaper for almost 30 minutes now. His arms are desperately outstretched as his fingertips graze the edges of the paper, just out of reach. The looks of pure frustration and annoyance are just too precious for me to stop him, so I’ve been watching in sick and twisted amusement all this time. And I took a picture for posterity. It’s a little dark because it’s a cell phone camera but you get the point. What a wonderful parent I am…

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Stop Procreating

This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

I’m in somewhat of an argument with some of the women on one of my parenting Web sites.

It’s regarding women who get pregnant almost immediately after they give birth to their first child, even though they clearly aren’t ready to have another baby. Now I’m not talking about couples (or a single mom) with a good job, place to live and the means to care for children one way or another. I’m not talking about the people who planned for kids so close in age who are ready for the challenge, nor am I talking about the women on birth control who, for one reason or another, got pregnant despite taking precautionary measures.

But I’m shocked at the number of women who had just had babies in April, having more. The subject headings are “OMG can’t believe I’m pregnant again” or “How am I prego again so soon??” And then you click on some of these posts and you find that they weren’t even on birth control. Well common sense dictates that even if you’re breastfeeding that only reduces the chance of getting pregnant, it doesn’t eliminate it. So if you’re not on birth control and you’re having unprotected sex, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how it happened. And then they’ll go on to say that they’re on goverment assisted programs, don’t have any money and some of them are in less than stellar relationships or they don’t even have their own place to live.

It’s just crazy and annoying as hell that this happens. Yet I’ve personally seen these women who go out and get pregnant because they know there are taxpayer programs out there that will float them while they continue not to work and leech off the system. Again, this does not apply to the people in the categories I listed previously, but how can these women justify getting pregnant again when they’re clearly in no position to provide for more children?

My wife wouldn’t let me near her until she was able to go back on birth control, for this exact reason. While we would probably scrape by if we had another baby, it would be extremely difficult. We have no more room in our condo and we can’t sell and buy a bigger house right now. We’d both probably have to pick up another job each and that leaves no one to care for Will. And besides, we want to enjoy this time with Will before we start thinking about having another one. To have them so close together can really cheat the older child out of attention, at least in my opinion.

Some of the women said it’s none of my business, but I think it is. If they’re on welfare or other federally or state subsidized programs then it’s all of our business. Let’s just hope the women who act this way can stop popping babies out like they are human Pez dispensers!

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My Discriminatory Son

This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

You think you’ve raised your kids right. You hope that you’ve taught them acceptance and equality for all. But then one day you realize that despite your best efforts, your child is a discriminatory bigot.

Will hates old people. And when I say hate, I mean it.

He despises the elderly with the white hot fiery passion of 1,000 suns and God help everyone within shouting distance if some poor suspecting old person decides to get close to Will, because he loses his freaking mind! At first it happened sporadically and I chalked it up to Will just being in a bad mood. I mean after all, how would you like it if some complete stranger came up to you, put their face 3 inches from yours and starting make “coochy coo” noises at you while tickling your feet? Doesn’t sound fun does it?

But then I noticed that Will didn’t always get upset by this. For instance, since Will is the most gorgeous baby ever to grace this planet, he gets a lot of attention. Namely, he gets a lot of attention from smoking hot chicks who want to come up and kiss him and grab him and tell him how beautiful he is. And wouldn’t you know it, my son is perfectly OK with this. Not only is he cool with it, he hams it up big time! He starts to smile, kick and make those cute baby noises girls love. By the time my boy is done with these cute women, they’re running back to their boyfriends demanding to be knocked up immediately so they can try to have a baby as cute as Will. My son is such a flirt it’s not even funny. He’s not even 5 months old and he’s already got more game with women than I’ve ever had in my life.

Now compare that to when an elderly person approaches. Both the young hotties and the old people tell him he’s cute, tickle him and get really close to him. But if it’s an older person, Will screams like I did the time I saw Kathy Bates naked in the hot tub in “About Schmidt.” And I’m not just talking some whimpering, he turns purple and starts to shriek like he’s being chased by the devil. It’s a full-blown meltdown and it takes 10 minutes just to calm him back down…or until another young hottie approaches.

I wonder what it is that makes him go berserk. Can he smell the mothballs from across the room? Does he have some kind of abnormal aversion to dentures? Is he already thinking about how pissed off he’s going to be when he’s driving behind one of these people going 25 MPH in a 50 MPH zone?? Either way, for a kid who’s going to grow up on Cape Cod where the average age is approximately 109 years old, he’s probably going to have to shake this phobia of the elderly.

But he should still feel free to cater to the Cape’s scantily clad summer females who flock to him while daddy holds him.

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