Monthly Archives: September 2008

“White Trash” or “Freaking Hysterical?” You Be the Judge!

I meet daily with two wonderful women as part of my reporter duties. Aside from readily supplying me with the information I need for my stories, they also serve as my sounding board for all things marriage and parent related. Namely, that means I tell them what’s going on in my life and they promptly take my wife’s side and call me an idiot.

Never was that more apparent than this morning when somehow we got on the topic of appropriate dress for babies. Although they told me babies should be dressed in Ralph Lauren and other foofy designer clothes, I disagreed. I told them I am somewhat of a connoisseur when it comes to awesome baby shirts. They asked me what I meant and here’s what I showed them, all courtesy of www.tshirthell.com:

Now I fully admit some of these should probably not be worn outside the home for varying reasons. But “Hung Like a Five Year Old” and “Daddy Drinks Because I Cry” and “Cuter Than Baby Jesus?” THOSE ARE HYSTERICAL! I laughed so hard it hurt when I first read them.

But when I looked at the two ladies and waited for them to double over in laughter, they simply stared at me with a disapproving look any husband is already very familiar with and shook their heads slowly from side to side. They were HORRIFIED that I’d ever consider dressing my kid in any of those shirts and promptly made fun of me for being “white trash.”

Yeah, if “white trash” is code for totally hilarious then I am white trash.

But I think this one boils down to a difference between men and women. All of the guys and fathers I’ve showed these to have nearly wet themselves laughing. And for good reason, they are funny as hell. But most of the women — including my wife — have been less than amused.

Granted, they are a little white trash. I’ll capitulate on that point. But it’s like 10% white trash, 90% funny as shit! And it’s not like I’d put Will in this shirt right before we take a family photo or anything. I just think it’s funny to wear around the house and when friends are over. What’s so wrong with that?

So I leave it to you, loyal Daddy Files readers, white trash or laugh yourself silly?

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Photo Essay

Will is almost six months old and in that brief time, so much has already changed. For instance:

This is Will when he was first born. Cute, tiny and unable to do anything for himself. Sure there were disadvantages to him being that young, but the upside was that he slept a lot and he couldn’t get into any trouble because he couldn’t move. Compare that to now:

Notice the “Who, me??” look on his face when I came out of the bathroom and caught him red-handed. Just like his daddy, nothing is ever going to be his fault.

But his height, weight and hand-eye coordination are not the only changes I’m talking about. It has also come to my attention that the hierarchy in the Gouveia household has changed dramatically. It used to be: Humans, Dogs, Cats. Now it’s Will, Dogs, Cats, Humans. I’d like to mark this next picture Exhibit A:

This is the sight I’m met with more often than not lately when I try to relax on my own couch at the end of the day. She looks comfortable doesn’t she? Stretched out on her back, paws up in the air without nary a care in the world…you know, kind of like I was hoping to feel.

And I’m also finding that the higher-ups on the food chain are beginning to conspire against me and MJ. Exhibit B:

I’m a little scared. With these two in power I’m not sure how long MJ and I will be able to maintain authority. It just goes to show you how quickly things change and how fast these kids really do grow. I know, I know…everyone and their mother warned us about how fast they grow up, but no one ever listens to that crap. But it’s true.

But it doesn’t matter, because after all…how can you get mad when you have a kid like this?

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Open Bar and the “White Man Shuffle”

No offense to my beautiful baby boy, but MJ and I had a really fun time last night without him.

I have to admit, I don’t usually like dressing up. I have one suit, one dress shirt and one tie. I’m definitely more of a jeans and tee shirt type of guy. But I’ve learned that when I dress up, MJ likes how I look. And that makes her want to dress up and look nice. And last night…she looked HOT! As for me, I donned my pinstripe suit and red tie and I even got a haircut for the occasion.

The wedding was for two co-workers, Adam and Stephanie. Steph and I shared an office for over a year and she’s a sweetheart. She’s like my little sister (they’re only 24). And the wedding was great for many reasons.

First of all, the ceremony was the quickest wedding ceremony I have ever encountered. Less than 10 minutes. And because Steph is half Jewish, they did that really cool stomping on the glass thing where everyone shouts “Mozeltov!” I’ve always wanted to see that done in real life. Second, when we got to the reception we discovered, much to our delight, it was open bar. The entire night!! The plan was for me to drink to my heart’s content and MJ would drive, but that’s not quite how it worked out. She snuck quite a few dirty martinis and halfway through the night I realized she’d be too wrecked to drive home. So I stopped drinking a few hours into the ceremony and accepted my role as DD.

But I realized that if you had asked a total stranger at the wedding to pick out the two people who just recently had a kid and were blowing off steam, they’d pick us easily. We were acting like two prison inmates who’d been given a 48-hour pass from the slammer. You know how at weddings when everyone is first sitting down they play some of the more mellow music and no one really dances? Well, MJ and I wasted no time. We jumped out there on the dance floor all by ourselves because we didn’t want to waste a single minute or a solitary song.

Of course, alcohol + the sheer joy of freedom = some really bad dancing. I had the White Man’s Shuffle going full force and I was basically dry humping my wife on the dance floor because she looked so good and because I have no idea when the next time is that we’ll have a baby-free night out. And when Sir Mix a Lot’s “Baby Got Back” came on…well let’s just say I know every single word and I pretty much serenaded my wife on the dance floor, circling her like a shark while she worked her awesome ghetto booty like she was trying out for a Jay-Z video!

I might have some explaining to do when I see some of my co-workers on Monday.

And we ended the night with some delicious Chinese food after the reception ended. All in all it was a fantastic time and we needed it. It’s important to devote time to your kids, but it’s just as important to carve out some husband and wife moments too. It’s fun to dress up, get a little crazy and just enjoy each other.

We’re currently sitting at home, reading the Sunday paper in peace, watching Goonies on TBS and trying to work up the ambition to go pick Will up. And maybe eat a Sunday afternoon sandwich for lunch! ;-)

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A Sleepy Surprise

It’s been a long day and I’m exhausted. Work, the doctor’s office (I have a sinus infection) and then coming home to play with an overexcited son. Finally he falls asleep and MJ and I lay in bed with the TV on.

I drift off to sleep, but it’s a troubled sleep filled with all the things I needed to do the next day and all the other assorted worries that you think about as you’re trying to drift off. But all of a sudden, I roll over and there’s Will!

MJ, who is even more against co-sleeping than I am, went and got him from the crib and laid him down in between us. And as I turned on my side to face him his eyes opened slightly and the corners of his mouth broke into a sleepy little grin. He clutched his stuffed monkey that he sleeps with every night and made a little cooing noise. Then he rolled over so his face was touching mine, and fell fast asleep.

There’s something about watching your child sleep that is so beautiful. When he’s completely at peace, his chest rhythmically rising and falling. His lips constantly making that suckling motion like he’s dreaming about a neverending bottle. The smell of his head which has become by far my favorite smell. Someone should bottle that because somehow it mixes youth, innocence and beauty (and a little bit of baby powder).

I laid there for a little bit looking at him sleeping and my gorgeous wife right behind him. And I realized how lucky I am and how happy I am, despite what seems like constant bitching and moaning in this blog. I love my family so much and even if there are some really tough times ahead, we’ll be OK as long as we’re together.

Tonight we have a wedding to go to. I’m looking forward to it because Will is staying with my parents so we get some adult time. MJ and I will be all dressed up with no thoughts of feedings, diaper changes or keeping him away from the cable box which is his new favorite obsession. But I have to admit that while I’m going to enjoy our adult time, I’m going to miss the little guy and my thoughts will never be far from his cute face.

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What’s With All the Hair?!?!

I gave Will a bath last night, as I’ve done many times in the last six months. I stripped him down, switched on the water without hardly a thought and then put the Aveeno in to make some suds. I laid him down in the water and had a field day. Splashing around, kicking his feet, squealing in absolute delight as if baths were the coolest thing on the planet and he was James Dean.

But when I picked him up out of the tub, something was horribly wrong.

Will looked like a wild animal. It was as if something in the water had caused some sort of awful mutation and as a result Will was sprouting hair all over his body. Sometimes in clumps, sometimes in wet strands…it covered him and he even had hair wrapped around his fingers. Basically, it looked like I spawned the Wolfman.

That’s when I realized it wasn’t some kind of nuclear accident. It was my wife.

I know I’m going to get in trouble for this, but so be it. I need to know, what the hell is up with women leaving piles of hair in the shower?!?!?! It’s disgusting and a little concerning if you ask me.

Look, my wife is hot. She is not some hairy beast who never grooms herself. Quite to the contrary she keeps herself very well maintained and always looks well put together. But if you were a guest in our house and you had merely used our shower without meeting my wife first, you would think she was some sort of Monkey Woman. Honest to God, I actually asked her yesterday if she had taken it upon herself to give the dogs a bath in the tub because there was so much hair in the drain.

It’s as if she morphs into Chewbacca when she enters the shower. This morning I actually listened for the Chewy’s trademark groaning from just outside the door. Either that or she’s cheating on me with a Wookie and they make hot, hairy love in the shower while I’m gone.

And it’s not like she’s going bald. She’s German and she’s got very thick, beautiful hair. I checked her over myself for bald spots out of concern yesterday. Her excuse is that she’s losing her pregnancy hair. WHAT???? Losing pregnancy hair? That’s just weird and it doesn’t make any sense to me. Pregnancy hair…thank God I’m a dude.

But the fact remains that something must be done. If not for my sanity, for the safety of my child. I’m tired of pulling Will out of the tub only to find he’s grown a handlebar mustache during his bath.

And I’m fully aware that most of you — my good readers — are women and mothers and maybe my wife is right. Maybe this is a common occurrence and I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But as guys we’re always hearing about how disgusting we are, how messy we are, how we don’t clean up after ourselves. Well screw that! My wife is literally shedding and I’m stuck wrestling with clumps and strands of hair on a daily basis. I’m afraid to ever take a bath for fear the hairs might collectively rise up against me and drown me.

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