Monthly Archives: October 2008

Rockin’ Rock Hill

Actually that’s completely untrue since I’ll be traveling to Rock Hill, SC for business. But it sounds good. As cool as a couple of days living the bachelor life in a new city sounds, I’ll probably be holed up in my hotel room after work calling my wife and asking her to hold the phone up to Will’s ear.

What can I say, I’m a puss now.

Anyways, if you’re in the Greater Charlotte area and you wanna party like a rock star possibly go out to dinner with a raging dork who doesn’t stop talking about his kid, hit me up with a comment. And since this is a work trip and I don’t have a laptop, there might not be any posts for the next couple of days but I’ll do my best.

I will, however, be back by Halloween and will post approximately 458 pictures of Will in his Halloween costume.

Share Button

TOM-TOM is a Stinking Liar

No, Tom-Tom is not the nickname of a friend of mine. Tom-Tom is my navigation system and it has served me well in my endeavors as a journalist. When I’m lost, I simply plug Tom-Tom in and he guides me home. Dare I say he has become a trusted friend of sorts, or at least that was the case until this weekend…

Me, MJ, Will and our friend Jim had driven about 45 minutes from our vacation house to a part of Vermont I wasn’t too familiar with. On our way home, MJ wondered if there was a shortcut we could take. I told her I don’t know, but I know someone who might. And with that, I dug out Tom-Tom and sure enough he immediately told us to take a left off the main road.

At first the “shortcut” looked fabulous. We were on a dirt road but we could easily travel 35-40 MPH and the scenery was gorgeous. Quintessential Vermont. We praised Tom-Tom for his sage like advice and wondered how far ahead of everyone else we’d make it home. We even stopped to take some pictures like this one:

So we dutifully followed Tom-Tom’s directions and we took very obscure roads that slowly meandered up into the mountains. We started wondering how Tom-Tom even knew about these roads, but the going was still relatively easy and we were enjoying ourselves, so we kept going.

But then the road got really narrow. At that same time we came upon two trucks unloading ATVs, looking at us like we were absolutely nuts. But Tom-Tom told us to take a left and so we did. And that’s when things got dicey. The road was no longer a smooth dirt road. It was more like 50% dirt and 50% rocks. And at this point, we started seeing sporadic “houses” along the road. I put houses in quotations because…well, see for yourself:

Please take note of the bullet holes in the trailer. And the “No Trespassing” thing cracked me up. Because yeah, I’d really stop at this point and poke around a crazy redneck trailer. But unfortunately for us, this was one of the nicer domiciles we’d see.

This doesn’t look so bad, until you realize what the structure on the left is. Yup…that’d be an outhouse. I’m guessing some of these are hunting cabins and we were so in the middle of nowhere that there was no electricity or indoor plumbing. It’s safe to say we were officially nervous at this point. But then we hit the redneck, mountain people jackpot…

Oh yeah. Soak this one in. And keep in mind the picture doesn’t even do it justice. There was junk EVERYWHERE! Most everything had bullet holes in it too. And again, the guy had a big sign just to the right that said “KEEP OUT!” As if I was going to help myself to his crap. As you can see in the left of this picture, we were too scared to even get out of the car to take a picture, what makes you think I’d actually set foot on your property??

That sucker is welded onto the main building. Honestly…the trailer is attached. I’m not snobby, really I’m not. But can you imagine living in that?? It gives me chills just thinking about it.

Anyways, we got to a point where we actually had to turn around because my poor Toyota Highlander couldn’t navigate the road. Actually scratch that, it wasn’t a road. Eventually it turned into a trail. The rocks were huge and we were literally trail riding at that point. Then it got to a point where it was too steep and rocky for me to continue.

At that point MJ nearly had a breakdown because we were out in the middle of the woods, crazy rednecks were looking at us like we had just wandered into their trap and I swear I heard the strains of banjo music all around us. And what’s worse, Tom-Tom was still urging us along the path and refused to consider alternative routes.

Thankfully we backtracked and were able to get out of there without a flat tire or being gang-raped by a group of outhouse-using hillbillies. But then, even when we were back on the main road, Tom-Tom was STILL trying to take us on that route!

I haven’t even so much as turned Tom-Tom on since then. He can’t be trusted. He tried to kill us once and then refused to show me another way home. I don’t know what was in it for Tom-Tom, but he obviously had ulterior motives. Needless to say I’m writing a nasty little letter to the Tom-Tom folks and I’ll stick with maps from now on.

Share Button

Vermont was AWESOME!

So we’re back from Vermont and quite honestly, I wish that wasn’t the case.

We stayed in a 3,800 sq. foot farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and it was spectacular. It had a game room with an old school tabletop shuffleboard game which we basically wore out. It had a HUGE fireplace which we all congregated around to laugh, tell old stories and drink. And then drink some more.

Rather than describe it, here are a few photos of our shenanigans:

Overlooking North Adams, where we went to college for four years

The Charlie Brown Hill house exterior

The game room with the fireplace

The boy likes pumpkins

Will having sharing issues with Madison, who is just 13 days younger

Don’t be afraid…that’s just the “Drunk MJ Smile”

That’s my “Oh crap I’m drunk but look at how drunk my wife is I’m going to have to take care of her and the baby tonight” look.

I love Vermont roads

It was just so great to unwind with good friends and have fun. However, we were a little too hungover to run the 5k so instead of a weekend of exercise and promoting fitness, we just drank a lot and capped everything off with a pasta dinner. Needless to say my Weight Loss goals were not met this weekend. But it’s a sacrifice I’ll gladly make for the time we had.

Coming up tomorrow, I will recount the harrowing “short cut” we tried to take in Vermont that nearly led to us being stuck in the woods with crazy rednecks as MJ had a panic attack. You don’t wanna miss it.

Share Button

A Challenge, An Update & a Weekend Away

First, the challenge:

Cape Cod Gal and I are in the middle of a weight loss challenge, but we’ve come up with a little side bet between the two of us. The contest begins Nov. 1 but prior to that, we will both go into a professional health club and have our body fat measured. That’s going to be unbelievably humiliating, especially since she’s already skinny and she’s just doing this to tone up. Don’t you hate when skinny people think they need to lose weight? But anyways, the contest will run from Nov. 1 to Dec. 29. Whoever loses the highest percentage of body fat in that time wins. The loser, however, will have to take part in the Cape Cod Polar Plunge. If you’ve never heard of it, the Polar Plunge consists of wackos who strip down to their bathing suits on Jan. 1 and jump in the freezing cold ocean water for charity. So the loser has to not only do that, but they have to dress up in floaties and have their picture taken doing it. Said pictures will be posted on both of our blogs for the other’s humiliation.

She’s so dead and she doesn’t even know it yet.

The update:

Speaking of the HASAY Challenge:

I ran 3.5 miles yesterday in the freezing cold. It’s the first time I’ve run in two months and it was pretty painful. Before I stopped running, I was doing that distance in just less than 32 minutes. Yesterday it took me 35 minutes 27 seconds. That does not bode well for the 5k I’m running on Sunday.

And speaking of this weekend…

The Weekend Away:

I probably won’t be posting this weekend because me, MJ and Will are headed up to the Berkshires with about a dozen of our college friends for a nice weekend away in Vermont. We’ll only be staying about 30 minutes from North Adams, where we went to college, so I’m sure we’ll visit our old stomping grounds and get ridiculously drunk and silly. I will take lots of pictures and post the ones that are appropriate. The weekend ends with the Sam Gomez Classic 5k Road Race on Sunday. My friend Alex (aka TheBear) are running it and I’m sure we’ll come up with a creative side bet for the loser. I just hope I don’t keel over or have my chest freeze up in the cold mountain air. We have frost this morning on the Cape so I can only imagine what it’s like up in the mountains.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Share Button

Marital Translation Issues

I’m a very literal person. I also have this crazy thing I do where I listen to what my lovely wife says and then I do exactly as she asks. You’d think that alone would be the key to avoiding problems and fights. You’d be wrong.

Never was this more apparent than Monday night when we were getting Will ready to leave before the Patriots game. He was spending the night at my parents’ house so we had to pack everything for an overnight visit. Well we’re in the car ready to drive away and Will is screaming. I ask MJ what’s wrong and she looks at me like I have two heads and says “I told you, he needs a bottle.” I’m confused because 1) She never said that to me and 2) I thought we had packed everything. Then I said “So we don’t have a bottle for him?” and she again looks at me like I’m nuts and says “No.”

So I got out of the car, walked back into the house and I grabbed his bottle because that’s what MJ said we were missing. I was a little confused because I know my parents have plenty of bottles at their house, but MJ has never made a whole lot of sense so I just go with the flow when it comes to her insanity.

I get back in the car and I hand her the bottle. She then proceeded to freak out.

Apparently, what she meant was that Will needed a bottle full of formula RIGHT NOW. But what I had brought her, was just an empty bottle. Because that’s what she said we needed…a bottle. So I went and got, A BOTTLE! She starts ranting and raving about “Why the hell would I need just an empty bottle?” and “If your kid is screaming and crying that means you get him a bottle and ACTUALLY FILL IT WITH SOMETHING HE CAN DRINK.”

At that point, I lose my shit and start yelling at her screaming “IF YOU WANTED A BOTTLE FULL OF FORMULA THEN JUST SAY SO!” She didn’t ask me to make up a bottle for Will. She told me we forgot a bottle. So I went and got a bottle. I did exactly what she wanted, and yet I’m still in trouble.

Why can’t women just say what they want clearly and concisely. I’ll gladly do it. But instead, they talk in code or they’re just very unclear as to what they want. I hear what she says and I interpret it as the most literal translation there is. I do this because women are crazy when they don’t get what they want and I try to keep the craziness to a minimum.

Take last night for instance…

MJ took Will out last night to some event that I wasn’t attending. But Will’s carseat was in my car and needed to go back to hers. So, being the nice husband that I am, I volunteered to go out into the rain to get the carseat, take it out of my car, walk over to a different parking lot where she was parked, put the carseat in the car and then come back to the house. And did I mention it was pouring rain at the time?

So when I was finished, I ran up the hill and got inside and simply said “That wasn’t fun” because of the rain. She looks at me and says “Why is everything with you like it’s the end of the world?”

How about a THANK YOU?!?!? I just went out in the rain to save her a trip, I come back in the house and I get attitude? What the hell?

It seems like we keep having this fight over and over again. It’s safe to assume that I’m not going to learn how to speak MJ’s particular dialect of female lunacy. So why, after nearly three years of marriage, can’t she understand that she needs to tell me EXACTLY what she wants? It’s so simple. If you ask for a bottle, you’re going to get a bottle. If you want a bottle full of formula, then ask me to make up a bottle full of formula. I’m like a robot. I will do whatever it is you tell me to do. But I will only do what I am told. I will not interpret meaning and I will not delve into anyone else’s twisted mind in attempt to figure out what the hell you wanted in the first place!

And poor Will never did get that bottle because I was so pissed I drove away in a fit.

Once again, the advice my father gave me about women when I was 16 years old holds true: “Smile, nod and say you’re sorry because it’s all your fault.”

Share Button