Monthly Archives: January 2009

A Guy’s Guide to the Perfect Super Bowl

First of all, I want to thank Cape Cod Gal and her husband for babysitting for us at the last minute last night so MJ and I could go out to dinner. Not only is she a great blogger, but a fantastic babysitter to boot.

Now to the business at hand…

Super Bowl Sunday is tomorrow and even though my beloved Patriots aren’t playing, it is still a day for celebration. In my mind, the Super Bowl is the guy’s equivalent to Valentine’s Day. Because ladies, we all know Valentine’s Day is for you, not us. We get you some flowers, maybe some candy, take you out to dinner and give you a gift. It might as well be called National Women’s Pampering Day. And that’s fine, I’ll submit to that but only if women give us Super Bowl Sunday as payback.

So, with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek, I offer you the Guy’s Guide to a Perfect Super Bowl Sunday.

First of all, the Super Bowl is not just about the game. Hardly, in fact. The Super Bowl holiday starts as soon as a guy wakes up. So ladies, how about waking us up in style? There’s no better way to start the day than with you giving us some “oral support” which really sets the tone for the day.

After that, we roll out of bed and put on our favorite lucky football jersey and sweatpants with the adjustable waistband. You will not nag us about how long it’s been since we’ve washed said jersey, and please take special note of the sweatpants with the adjustable waistband because that’s a hint. It means we want to eat. A lot. And we don’t want anything healthy. In fact, just about everything we shove down our pie hole today must be fried. But you already knew this, which is why you stayed up late last night to prepare all the food we’ll need for today. 

So for breakfast, you surprise us with…WINGS! Lots and lots of wings. And once we’re stuffed with Round 1 of wings we sit on the couch. It’s still too early for pre-game so if you’re anything like me, you need a little warm up. So we pop the Patriots Super Bowl DVD in from 2001 and watch it in its entirety. And you don’t make fun of us for knowing all the words, and you certainly don’t give us dirty looks when we cheer like crazy and shed a few tears when Adam Vinatieri knocks in the winning field goal.

After we have some quality alone time in the bathroom making room for more food, it’s lunch time. And lo and behold, the doorbell rings. Because you’re all caring and doting wives who understand the importance of the day, you made a few phone calls. The door opens and who’s there but the beer delivery guy. You had the foresight to order two kegs of Sam Adams for the upcoming Super Bowl party. Which is great timing because we’re hungry for lunch and more wings, and what better to wash it down with than 11 a tasty Sam Adams.

A few hours later all the guests start arriving. I know this part sounds a little sexist, but only guys are invited. I’m fully aware that there are women out there who know a lot about football. I don’t deny this. But ladies, as a whole, it is not fun to watch a big game with chicks around. You’re talking about the players cute butts and all you care about are the commercials. It’s annoying as hell and it’s not happening at my fictitious paragon of a Super Bowl party. Sorry. And yes, I know you don’t like some of the guys I invited. They are the so-called “bad influences” from my single days, according to you, but today they are our welcome guests of honor. Deal with it.

As all the guests arrive that means they’re hungry. That’s when all of the food is unveiled. In addition to the tub of wings in the living room, we also have a vat of chips and salsa, steak, chicken, marinated pork, shrimp and every other tasty morsel you can imagine. Oh, and jello. Why jello? I’m glad you asked…

That’s when the doorbell rings again and the party goes silent. In walk six Hooters waitresses you’ve hired to be servers for the day. And did I mention we’re tossing the jello in an inflatable tub and watching them wrestle at halftime? Oh yeah. The Super Bowl isn’t the Super Bowl without topless Hooters waitresses jello wrestling.

Soon it’s time for the game to start, and because you’re a loving wife you have this part taken care of as well. You’ve rented a 70 inch flat screen HDTV and had it installed on the wall for the day. Bone crushing hits are only meant to be watched in HD after all.

Throughout the game more and more surprises are unveiled. You wheel in an ice luge toward the end of the first quarter for shots, and the booze is all top shelf. You’ve also brought in several laptops for the gamblers among us looking to place last minute Super Bowl bets. And you had the foresight to hire a bouncer for the day so anyone who talks about anything non-Super Bowl or football related is immediately tossed out. He also collects all cell phones upon entry so no one’s wife is allowed to call and nag them to come home.

So with the food out, the beer taken care of, the naked Hooters girls serving us all and the TV ready to showcase the game in all of it’s glory, there’s only one thing left to do if you’re the loving wife in this situation. And that’s to leave. Sorry, but as mentioned before, no girls allowed. Besides, it’ll probably be awkward at halftime when I’m rooting on the Hooters girls jello wrestling. And you’ve worked hard all day, so take some time for yourself. After all, you probably need to go grocery shopping because I’m sure we’ll be out of food by the end of the day.

I’m not going to lie to you. When you return to the house it’s probably not going to be a pretty scene. If we’re still conscious it’s probably because we’re throwing up all the food and alcohol. I don’t envy the cleaning that’s going to be involved, but it’s our day so you roll up your sleeves and get to it. If there are still any wings left over you need to save those though. I might want a late night snack if I wake from my coma. Some of our drunk friends will likely be scattered around the house passed out in drunken stupors, so just make sure they have pillows and blankets.

And as the clock strikes midnight and you finish mopping up the left over party sludge, you go to sleep with our eternal gratitude for throwing us the best Super Bowl party ever. And we go to sleep with clogged arteries and a crippled liver, but a huge smile plastered across our faces.

And don’t worry, we know we owe you come Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to promise anything, but McDonald’s may be on the menu. Supersized if you play your cards right.

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WIC Unfair to Non-Breastfeeding Moms

I went to a Daddy & Baby pizza party at Cape Cod Hospital last night. It’s the same one I’ve been going to since Will was born. I like it because I get to hang out with other dads, listen to speakers with helpful information and there’s free pizza and soda.

Last night, some very nice people from WIC were there to speak with us about nutrition for babies. They were extremely nice, very informative people who gave us a lot of good information. They also told us how the guidelines and food packages for eligible people are changing this year, with nutritionally enhanced food packages becoming available. I think this is a great program, except for one thing.

Breastfeeding moms are given preferential treatment over those moms who choose to formula feed.

I get their rationale. Breastfeeding is undoubtedly the best food for a baby. That’s not even up for debate. And part of their mission is to encourage as many mothers as possible to breastfeed, therefore WIC offers incentives to breastfeeding moms. First of all, moms who breastfeed are eligible for food packages for 12 months after the baby is born, while formula feeding moms only get six months. Furthermore, breastfeeding moms get more food than non-breastfeeding mothers. The nutritionist last night said moms will start to receive jarred baby food with the changes going into effect this year, and breastfeeding moms will receive three times as much jarred food as those who formula feed.

Quite honestly, I think that sucks and I think it’s completely unfair.

I asked the WIC representatives last night what would happen if a mother desperately wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t. I asked what happens if she goes to a lactation consultant, toughs it out, does everything possible to get the baby to breastfeed but just can’t make it happen. I figured a woman who showed proof that she tried that hard, or that her supply just failed, would be given the same benefits as a mom who was actively breastfeeding. But she told me that wasn’t the case. The mother in my hypothetical situation would not be eligible for any any added benefits.

Like I said, I understand and appreciate what WIC is trying to do. But in a case like the one I mentioned all that’s doing is unfairly punishing a mother who tried to breastfeed but couldn’t. And quite honestly, I think it’s unfair to mothers who simply choose to formula feed. Namely because formula is expensive and the people getting assistance from WIC have low incomes. So WIC is giving more help to low income moms who are breastfeeding for free, while those who have to spend more money on formula get less food? That doesn’t make sense to me at all.

WIC is a wonderful organization and they do some great things. In this economy it’s probably more important than ever. But their policy toward non-breastfeeding moms is unfair and I hope they consider changing it in the future.

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Mashed Potatoes!

What do you do when you have writer’s block and can’t think of anything good to write? You post video snippets of your adorable son eating mashed potatoes, that’s what!

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Curling Casualty

Let it never be said I’m not completely honest, even when it involves my total humiliation.

So I was at curling last night and I actually ended up playing two matches. One as a substitute for a team that didn’t have enough players and then my real match. When it was time to throw my second stone, my slide foot slipped on the ice in mid-throw and I had a good ole fashioned blowout. I ended up flat on my ass, everyone witnessed it and my throw went out of bounds. But that wasn’t the worst part. Here’s the worst part:

Yup, that’s right. I ripped my pants. Not only that, but as you can see I had to play the rest of the game with my junk hanging out. And if you think the guys at the curling club were compassionate and understanding about this, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn that’s for sale.

To make matters worse, one of the players on the opposing team is a Captain with the local police department. He immediately and gleefully informed me that if I continued to play the game while exposing myself, I could be arrested and charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, which involves registering as a sex offender.  It was all I could do to keep him from taking a cell phone picture of the debacle to be posted within the department.

Thankfully my mom, who was watching, took it upon herself without me even asking to go to the store and buy some cheap warm up pants for me so I didn’t have to play my next game with my boys catching hypothermia. Thanks mom, you’re the best.

And for the record, despite the pants splitting incident I played really well last night. I’m getting the hang of it and I’m gunning for most improved player by the end of the season!

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100-0 is Over the Top

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the now infamous girls varsity high school basketball game in Texas last week that ended with a score of 100-0. If not, you can read about it here.

But if you don’t feel like clicking, here’s the rundown:

Two girls varsity high school teams were playing each other. From the start, it was clear Covenant was the better team over Dallas Academy. It was nearly 60-0 by halftime. Yet the winning coach kept the girls on a full court press and had them bombing away 3-pointers even in the fourth quarter in a lame attempt to reach 100 points. The losing team, Dallas Academy, attempted 7 shots. Let me repeat that…ATTEMPTED 7 shots. Making none.

Now I’m a competitive guy and I love to win. And I think kids should be taught to win at a pretty early age. There’s something to be said for trying your hardest 100% of the time and never letting up. No player should ever be punished for giving his maximum effort, and no players should ever be asked to simply lay down and roll over for another team. In short, winning is a good thing.

But there are limits. And in this particular game, those limits were not only reached, they were exceeded.

The coach of Covenant has been fired, but he didn’t go quietly. While the head of the school admitted shame over the win and said it “wasn’t very Christ-like,” head coach Micah Grimes maintains he did nothing wrong. Well ladies and gentlemen, Micah Grimes is a fucking idiot who should never be allowed to coach again.

When you’re up by 60 points in the first half and the other team hasn’t scored, that should be enough of a clue to friggin relax. All of the starters should be taken out and the scrubs should be put in. Furthermore, Grimes should’ve told his players to drop into a relaxed zone defense, and on offense they should’ve been made to pass the ball at least three times on every possession before shooting. That way his inexperienced players get some playing time, they can still work on skills and they also learn sportsmanship.

But instead, Micah Grimes went the other way.

He had his players in a full court press even in the 4th quarter. He went gung ho on offense and defense in an attempt to score 100 points, and only let up after that goal had been reached. And even after losing his job and being publicly flogged in the media, he STILL refused to admit he was wrong.

It is a player’s job to play 100% so I don’t blame these girls. It is a coach’s job to guide his players and Grimes fell woefully short in this category. He can try to hide behind the paltry excuse of competitive spirit, but when you see the opposing team has neither the means or the skill to compete with your team, it is your duty as a KIDS coach to mitigate the damage. There is no honor in a 100-0 victory against such an inferior opponent. Not even in the pros would this be looked at as a good thing, so how can anyone possibly try to justify it at the high school varsity level?

In a few years I’ll be the parent of a boy involved in youth sports. And whether Will was on the winning or losing end of a 100-0 victory, you can bet your ass I’d be tearing the coach of the winning team a new one for pulling that kind of shit. It’s unnecessary and it sends a bad message. You can teach your kid to be competitive and foster a love of winning, while simultaneously displaying class and sportsmanship.

I know some people will say this is the watering down of the competitive spirit in America. But in my opinion, those people are wrong. Leagues that don’t keep score or teams that are afraid to cut players for fear of hurt feelings are watering down competitiveness and I don’t agree with those things. But showing a clearly inferior team some mercy during an obvious rout is not in the same category as the things I mentioned.

Here’s to hoping Micah Grimes never coaches youth sports again.

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