It’s Fatherhood Friday again and that means it’s time to click on over to Dad Blogs and check out all the amazingly talented mom and dad bloggers they’ve got over there.
About a year ago I wrote a post where I got inside Will’s head and imagined what he was thinking as he went about his day. I figured it was time for an update. So here’s an updated version of what I think Will might be thinking on a typical day spent with mom and dad.
6 a.m.: (Big Yawn) What the???? Dammit, why does that Mom woman have her alarm set so loud? Oh, wonderful. I’m up early AND I’ve managed to soak myself in my own pee. Wow, this diaper weighs more than I do. Time to scream bloody murder until one of them gets off their lazy ass to come get me. $10 says it’s the Big Guy and he’ll be complaining about Mom the entire time.
6:03 a.m.: Ha, I was right. It’s Dad and he’s muttering under his breath. Now change me, I’m so wet I might as well be underwater.
6:05 a.m.: Ah, that’s better. Nice and dry. I do love a clean diaper. Except…
6:07 a.m.: I don’t want to alarm that Dad guy, but I just dropped an atomic bomb in that diaper he just put on me. Change me now!
7:30 a.m.: This Handy Manny fellow is extraordinary. He fixes everything and never makes anyone pay for his services. Why don’t I ever see Dad fix anything like Handy Manny? Mom does a lot but never Dad.
8 a.m.: Breakfast time! Please be pancakes, please be pancakes…DAMMIT! Why is Dad giving me applesauce?!! That lazy bastard. He just doesn’t want to cook. Well, here’s a news flash for him, I’m not eating this. Yeah dad, I understand that you’re doing “eat” in sign language. I’m not stupid, i get it. I just don’t want to eat this baby stuff anymore. I’ll make the “eat” sign if your lazy ass makes me some damn flapjacks.
8:48 a.m.: Oh great, dad’s on the computer again and mommy’s still asleep. I guess I’ll just entertain myself. Now where are those remote controls and cell phones.
8:49 a.m.: Buttons, flashing lights, TV going on and off…I LOVE REMOTES AND CELL PHONES. No…wait. Dad, no. C’mon, don’t take them away. Run Will, run fast. Dammit, he’s right on top of me. He took the phones… WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
9 a.m.: Oh, so you think you’re going to stop my crying but trying to get me to take a nap. I think not tough guy. I’ve got some pipes on me and I plan to use them.
9:15 a.m.: Victory! I knew if I screamed loud enough he’d crack. I own this place.
9:30 a.m.: I may have underestimated how tired all that screaming made me. Must. Not. Fall. Asleep. Must stay awa….
11:30 a.m.: Crap, I fell asleep didn’t I? Well I’m up now and I’m ready to go. Now come get me!
12:30 p.m.: Thanks for finally getting me out of my pajamas. It’s only the afternoon now. But why are you dressing me in this yellow onsie thing? And furthermore, why can’t I just be naked. You know how I love to be naked. I won’t always have to wear clothes will I?
1 p.m.: Yay, time to take that furry thing for a walk. That means I get to ride on Dad’s shoulders. It also means I’ll have an audience.
1:10 p.m.: Here they come, all the old people. They can’t get enough of me. Yes, I know I’m cute. Yes, yes, I’m adorable. Hey! No pinching the cheeks. Oh god, here they come again. Tell you what, what if I clap? Will that suffice. Here, I’m clapping. I know, you think that’s the cutest thing in the world. Wonderful, as long as it stops you from getting in my personal space again I’ll do all kinds of cute things. Just back off lady.
2:30 p.m.: Poor dad. He actually thinks I’ll willingly go down for another nap. When is he going to learn.
2:45 p.m.: Sucker! I rule this bitch.
3 p.m.: Too much crying…fading fast…must not sle…
4:30 p.m.: Damn. I need to work on that.
5:30 p.m.: Dinner time. Man I hope Mom cooked and not dad. He always wonders why I don’t eat on the days he cooks. It’s not rocket science. Crap, dad cooked. Oh well, I’ll practice throwing my food instead of eating it. And I’ll feed that furry thing that’s always jumping on me.
6 p.m.: Ahhhhh. Nothing compliments dinner like a nice, cold glass of whole milk. I just wish they wouldn’t make me do all this sign language to get it. I feel like a trained monkey. Oh no, speaking of monkey they’re going to force me to make my monkey sound for the billionth time. Yes, I can make a monkey sound. Get over it. Don’t you people have any other source of entertainment?
6:30 p.m.: Oh boy. Yep, I see dad getting it. It’s Bubble Time!!! I know it’s not very edgy or high brow, but bubbles are the best thing ever. And when the furry thing tries to eat them? So funny. Can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard. Now this is entertainment.
7 p.m.: No. Please no. Don’t do it. Please say it ain’t so…
7:05 p.m.: I HATE BATH TIME!! I used to like it but not anymore. First of all, there’s always a huge hairball in the drain. It’s disgusting. Clean that crap out before you put me in it. Second, I just don’t want water on my face or head. I hate it. That’s it, I’m blowing this joint. Whoa…you don’t have to yell at me to sit down. OK, ok, I’ll sit. Just don’t pour that water…DAMMIT! I told you not to pour that on my head. And easy with the scrubbing. I’m a baby not laundry. I’m not sure what exactly I’m packing down there but I’m pretty sure I’m going to need it later in life, so go easy.
7:30 p.m.: Oh wonderful. Dad’s going to try to force me to watch that silly game on TV with the bats. Why does he get so riled up about this? For all I can tell these men on the TV really don’t affect his life. He never meets them, he just yells at them on the TV. Can they hear him? What if the people on TV can hear me talking? I’m going to yell at Handy Manny to fix some of the crap around this house if that’s the case.
8 p.m.: Now this part I really like. It’s story time with mom. I’m not sure who this Dr. Seuss is but I’m a big fan. Comfortable seat, I’ve got my stuffed monkey, I’m cuddled up with mom and she’s reading me some riveting literature. What could be better?
8:15 p.m.: OK, I’m pretty tired. No screaming this time but I reserve the right to change my mind if you forget to put my sound machine on again. Goodnight parents. You’re a little weird but you’re alright. I’ll see you at 3 a.m. when I pee myself and wake you up, and we’ll do it all again tomorrow.