Lately I’ve been getting a lot of head. And I’m really unhappy about it. Because it’s also come with a side of fists and open palm slaps. No perverts, MJ and I are unfortunately not engaged in some of sort of sadomasochistic sexual deviancy. Although I wouldn’t mind if she slapped me around a little bit, I’m talking about Will and the new phase he’s entered.
He is beating the crap out of us.
First of all, his head is a wrecking ball. You have to be very careful while holding him because he keeps his head on a swivel. And if you’re not paying attention — BAM — you’ll catch his cranium right in the face. I’ve gotten bloody lips, fat lips, bloody noses and more bruises than I can count. But in addition to that, his new thing is hitting people.
You’ll be holding him and he’ll be looking at you with that angelic mug. And just as you finish telling him how adorable he is, that’s when he strikes like a cobra. He smiles at you and then bitch slaps you right in the face. And let me tell you, he’s not a weak kid. He hits like a hammer. And the bitch of it is he smiles at you while he’s battering you, like he’s pleased with himself.
I’ve read up on this and it seems to be a common phase kids go through at this age. But even though that may be true, I feel like we can’t allow it. MJ is especially not liking this new development, and I fear for Will the next time he clocks her. There’s bound to a mother-son WWF style smackdown on the horizon and I can only hope I’m out of the house when it occurs.
To make matters worse, he’s at the worst height possible right now. So when he runs up to you all excited and starts flailing his arms around, he ends up smacking me right in the junk leaving me doubled over in pain. Somehow it’s the end of the world when he hits MJ, but when I get cracked in the family jewels it’s playful and humorous. Funny how that works.
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Shit. And here I thought this post would be about blowjobs.
C’mon Badass, you’re married too. You know blowjobs are pretty much akin to unicorns and Santa Claus at this point.
They (the ‘they’ in this case being the ‘experts’) say that you cannot discipline a kid under the age of two because they just won’t understand. But that is bullshit. Seriously, if you plan on using time-outs then start now… kids DO understand and it will work. With both of my kids the hitting (and biting and kicking and making me rethink being a parent altogether) phase started around this same age. And we started putting them in time-out (telling them WHY it was happening) and they stayed there (eventually) and the all that stuff stopped really quickly. I was even surprised by how well it worked.
All three of mine have done the same. I firmly grasp their hand, look them straight in the eye and say, “NO”, “that hurts Mama.” And then I take their hand and gently stroke my cheek with it and say, “like this, be gentle”. You feel a bit like a dork, but it works for me. Not the first time, but parenting is a lot about repeating. Repeating and consistency.
Now about the Unicorn and Santa Claus comment. Can someone please tell that to my husband?? Cause he seems to think he lives in Wonderland. In fact, one piece of marriage advice we received and I suppose have tried to live by is, “Practice random acts of oral kindness.”
That phase didn’t last too long with my kids. I popped them on the back of the hand every time they hit anyone. It completely devastated them. Didn’t take them very long to understand cause and effect and it wasn’t hard enough to hurt any thing but their feelings.
HHAHA Danielle is 10 months and she started raking my face with her razor sharp (even trimmed nails) for fun…didnt think I’d be scolding her already but it worked…no more raking my face-her brother on the other hand, she rakes him in self defense!
Accidental head butts and hands to the face are bad enough. When Braden decides to get violent he will meet his match in his dear old dad. Good luck. Hope you have a tough chin.
You getting hit in the nads is funny. I’m sorry, but there is not way around it.
BTW..I told ya that kid is gonna be a hockey player!