I was going to let this one go. Really, I was. But all the man/dad bashing is so fashionable lately that letting it go unchecked seemed borderline irresponsible, so once again the dad blogosphere finds itself defending ourselves against idiotic, sexist and unfunny crap that litters the Internet.
I clicked on an article yesterday (and no, I won’t link to it) called “10 Ways Your Husband is Just Another Child.” I cringed at the headline, but since the byline was attributed to Scary Mommy — a genuinely funny and respectable writer — I thought maybe it would surprise me and be witty or a parody of some sort. Hell, I’m definitely not above laughing at myself and so I soldiered on with high hopes.
Well, it turned out to be a guest post written by some woman named Rebecca Gallagher. It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t original, it didn’t make me laugh and hell — some of it didn’t even make sense. I’m less outraged than offended by the horrible writing, complete absence of originality, and the entire piece being nothing but linkbait. So without further ado, I’ll give you what she wrote and then what her husband might really be thinking having to deal with such a nightmare of a wife.
“He gets so hungry on outings as a family, you give him the protein bar you keep for the kids in your purse for snack emergencies.”
Whoa. Starting off with a really egregious one here. I can’t believe the nerve of this prick. Are you telling me he was hungry during a family outing and then — wait for it — asked if you had anything to eat?? Selfish cocksucker!! He’s literally taking the food out of his childrens’ mouths. They’ll probably starve. After all, you never know when a routine family outing will turn into the Donner Party and that protein bar becomes the only thing standing between survival and cannibalism. I guess we know who everyone is killing and eating first. Although to be fair, after enough years married to Rebecca Gallagher I’m sure this poor guy looks at death as welcome relief.
“He would rather play video games than clean the garage or do any chores.”
Well…yeah. Of course he’d rather play video games than clean the garage or do chores. What other human being says “Man, you know what I’m dying to do today? Chores. And lots of ‘em?” Chores suck. We do them because they’re necessary, but we’re never happy about it. Especially when a nag of a wife is harping on us and barking out orders simply because we haven’t done what Miss Rebecca says in the timeframe in which she mandates. At least video games have a mute button.
“He’ll leave his underwear on the bathroom floor.”
Ho-ly shit. Underwear? Dirty underwear on the bathroom floor?? Chances are this poor slob just jumped in the shower and hasn’t even had the chance to put his clothes away, but Rebecca the martyr just LOVES to have any excuse to play the poor mommy who is constantly overburdened and does everything herself. Woe is her.
“He forgets to hang up his towel.”
Wet towel AND dirty underwear?? That’s it. Rebecca’s right, let’s just take this prick out to the backyard and cane him.
“He leaves his ice cream bar wrapper on the end table by the couch.”
Oh boy. Underwear, towels and now trash. Forget the fact he’s still sitting there eating the ice cream, let’s focus on the wrapper because that presents Rebecca with the opportunity she needs to criticize her husband. Nevermind the fact that he might’ve worked all day or played with the kids and is taking a break, the fact of the matter is HE’S LITTERING! Add it to the list of things to complain about when you drive to meet the other soccer moms for your weekly gripe fest in the car his salary paid for.
“You have to remind him where things go in the kitchen.”
This is one of my favorites and a popular one among people like Rebecca. But here’s the irony — this only comes up when Rebecca’s husband is putting things away. That means he’s either cleaning the kitchen or putting away the dishes, but Rebeccca doesn’t recognize his efforts. Instead, she’ll focus on the things he’s doing “wrong,” like putting things in the wrong place. And let’s be honest, the “wrong” place isn’t really wrong, it’s just not where Rebecca wants them to go. Is it any wonder he doesn’t want to put the dishes away or clean the garage? You’re just going to criticize him for it anyways!
“He would rather stay up and watch a stupid TV show than go to bed at a reasonable hour.”
Or, in other words, he’d rather watch that episode of Family Guy for the 100th time than come to bed with you. Do you think it might possibly be because of the constant nagging and criticism of the above items? When the idea of bedding down with you takes a backseat to TV, you might want to take a hard look in the mirror, Rebecca.
“When you ask him to take the garbage out, he rolls his eyes.”
He’s not rolling his eyes at taking the garbage out. He’s rolling his eyes because he’s already cleaned the garage, put things away in the kitchen, and now you’re on his case again. Not to mention he’s realizing he’s married to a grown woman who can’t even take the trash out herself.
“He needs to be reminded to not eat junk food when he goes out with his friends.”
Are…are you kidding me? Really?? Rebecca, he doesn’t need to be reminded about anything. You’re not “reminding” him, you’re driving him friggin crazy. On the rare occasion you actually let him out of his cage and out of your sight, if he wants to eat some fucking junk food he’s entitled. And forget junk food, you need to worry about him mainlining tequila in his quest to forget who he’s married to and what he’s become under your tyrannical rule.
“He stashes his brussel sprouts to the side of the plate hoping you won’t notice he didn’t eat them.”
First of all, it’s Brussels sprouts. Apparently you’re too busy to proofread, but I’m sure you’ll blame that on your husband too. Second, you’re standing over him, telling him what foods he can and can’t eat, and then criticizing him for not eating them? Who cares if he doesn’t eat Brussels sprouts?!? Maybe he doesn’t like them, or maybe your cooking sucks. Bottom line is he’s not acting like your child, YOU are acting like his mother.
Look, I’m not above a funny piece that pokes fun at dads or husbands. I’m about as far from politically correct as there is. The problem with Rebecca’s piece is that it sucked — every part of it. It was lame, uninspired and it wasn’t funny at all. So if there’s no funny, then it’s just dumb, offensive and nonsensical. And if you put something out there like that before it’s ready to be published, you deserve any and all backlash. If I were Scary Mommy I’d seriously reconsider who she lets represent her brand.