A Peek Behind the Curtain

It was MJ’s birthday yesterday, so on Saturday night she took a well deserved night for herself.

She went out with two of her friends to this fantastic restaurant called the Brazilian Grill. They serve Churrasco a Rodizio which means Rotisserie Barbecue, and basically that translates into an endless supply of every kind of mouth-watering meat imaginable. Not to mention MJ and the girls also savor the Brazilian hunks of man meat serving them the food as well.

The plan was a good one because the restaurant is less than a half mile from the newspaper’s main office, and I work until 11 p.m. on Saturday nights. So we had our cousin babysit Will, and I told her to let loose and drink as much as she wants because I’d just meet her after my shift ended and be her designated driver.

Bad idea.

You see, I wasn’t thinking clearly. Because if I was paying attention, I would’ve remembered there is nothing more dangerous and intimidating than being the stone cold sober husband walking into a group of girls who are loaded and have been sharing stories with each other for hours.

They weren’t quite done with their night when I met up with them at a local bar, so I volunteered to hang out until they wanted to go home. Big mistake. I knew I was in trouble right away because after I finished saying hello to everyone, they immediately went right back to the conversation that was in progress before my arrival. So for the next five minutes, I tried to contain my shock when they talked intimately about g-spots. Where they’re located, how guys have trouble finding them and a detailed recounting of their best g-spot related encounters.

But what was really shocking for me was listening to a conversation between MJ’s friends about how their husbands expected them to be home already. One was supposed to bring her husband dinner, but decided to stay out late with MJ instead. The other was in the same boat. Then, one of them said something I will never forget.

“Yeah, he’s pissed at me tonight. I’m gonna have to perform for him tonight to make up for it,” she said.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up the bus. I asked her if I heard her right and if she meant what I thought she meant by that. She nodded and said of course. That when she’s in hot water, she uses her sexual persuasions as currency. Her other friend concurred and said it’s common practice and the easiest way to get out of trouble immediately.

My head snapped around to MJ, who was giving the other two women the stink-eye and shouting “SHUT UP, SHUT UP!” with her eyes. Could this be true? Is it possible? Was I not aware of the unwritten rule that when the wife screws up, I’m supposed to reap the sexual benefits? I cocked my head to one side and raised an eyebrow, and gave MJ an inquisitive glance.

“Sssshhhhhh,” she told her friends. “He doesn’t know these things. Don’t put ideas in his head. Honey, forget you ever heard that.”

I was flabbergasted. Floored. Bamboozled even. All those times when MJ was legitimately in the dog house, it appears I was missing out on a husband’s God given right to make up lovin’! MJ told me to forget I ever heard the conversation, but that’s never gonna happen. This kind of life-altering accidental discovery is right up there with Scottish scientist Alexander Fleming, who accidentally discovered Penicillin because he was sloppy in his lab work and accidentally left a sample of Staphylococcus out in his work area. Asking me to forget that conversation is like telling the caveman who first saw fire to just put it out of his mind.

I feel like Jim Carrey in the movie “The Truman Show.” I’ve been kept in a protective bubble and only fed information others felt was necessary for me to have. I think I should be able to take this to a marital court of law and sue my wife. But instead of trying to get financial reparations, I’m seeking sexual backcharges. A judge or jury would sentence MJ to so many hours of sexual community service, only I’m the community.

As if MJ could sense every single thing I was thinking, she simply looked at me and said “Nope, don’t even think about it.”

The point is, nothing good comes out of being a guy and gaining a peek behind the curtain to see the great and powerful Oz. And on an unrelated note, it seems nothing positive comes out of being at a certain Hyannis bar around midnight on a Saturday night. A decent band was playing, but a 60-year-old woman who was flashing everyone in the bar tried to pull me out on the dance floor and would not let me go. Even when I was ridiculously insulting to her, she never relented. She asked why I wouldn’t dance with her and I told her I was far too sober for such an undertaking. Then she said it was for a bet, so I told her I’m a journalist and I’m not allowed to partake in illegal gambling, especially when the payoff is likely herpes. Eventually I simply hid behind MJ and shouted “HELP ME!”

So even though I’m not entitled to the same rights as other husbands out there, I want to say happy birthday to my lovely wife. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to Google “g-spot” to see what all this fuss is about.

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14 thoughts on “A Peek Behind the Curtain

  1. If you didn’t have to google “g-spot”, the fact that woman use sex to get out of trouble with their partners might not have been such a surprise to you. 😀

  2. BTW… Ray and I will be in the hyannis area on Thursday night. Maybe we can all meet for drinks? We are staying at the cape coder… I think.

  3. Jules: I think the g-spot is just a myth, like Bigfoot or the female orgasm. And yes, drop me a line and let me know your plans on Thursday. I think we can meet up for dinner or at least a couple of drinks.

  4. First off..teh Brazilian BBQ is some good stuff. The first time I had it was at Manadalay Bay in Vegas. Oh baby…

    What rock have you been hiding under bro? Of course they’re supposed to hook you up when they screw up. It’s a chicks version of bringing home flowers. Hopefully she will try and make up for years of hiding this secret. Let me know how it works out for you…

  5. I am just as dumbfounded as you. Apparently I have no idea what is going on. I certainly have no idea what is going on “behind the curtain.”

  6. JR: Honestly I thought all the guys who bragged about that stuff were just completely full of shit. I think I’ve just historically been attracted to EXTREMELY independent women because (one night stands and casual flings not withstanding) I’ve never dated a woman who used sex to apologize or as a get out of jail free card.

  7. Hmmmmm…I plead the 5th. And just so you know, I did have to perform….twice. I will never forget to bring dinner home again. I also think it’s funny that MJ was doing nothing to stop that woman from dancing with you!!! Did I mention we might go to a strip club next time???

  8. Cape Cod Gal: I’m not sure if I’m happier knowing guys get some as an apology, or depressed because it won’t ever be like that for me. It’s an ignorance is bliss type of situation. And I’m sure the strip club will be fun, but I won’t be there. Strip clubs creep me out and make me uncomfortable. But MJ’s fine with them.

    TitforTat: I’m not a stay at home dad, I work full time. I’ve just been naive for too long.

  9. If my man was shallow enough to be pacified with sex he wouldn’t be worth my time. I require a bit more depth, lol. Of course he never gets angry without a solid justifiable reason so it makes sense that sex wouldn’t magically make it all better. Instead we try this odd thing, communication. It actually works, go figure.

  10. I’m not a stay at home dad, I work full time. I’ve just been naive for too long.(DF)

    Oops, sorry for the assumption. Oh yeah, my condolences also. 🙂
    Maybe its time to try and cash in on your new found wisdom. Remember though, timing is everything.

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