First of all, thank you for all the support over the last few days. Some day I will devote an entire post to how much it has helped me, but just know that you guys are keeping us afloat right now and I will be eternally flabbergasted at how wonderful you all are.
There’s not too much to report at the moment but MJ did get a call back from our primary doctor today. Unlike Mr. Insensitive Asshole the radiologist, he refused to conjecture or hypothesize as to what’s wrong. He said it is best if we get to Brigham & Women’s in Boston for a high-risk ultrasound that will attempt to determine exactly what we’re up against. That will happen on July 6.
Interesting to note, he said this kind of thing predominantly occurs in mothers who have diabetes. As far as we know, MJ does not have diabetes but we’ll be getting her checked as well. They also ruled out the possibility of Down’s Syndrome through blood tests. Which is ironic because I was kind of hoping it was Down’s. I could’ve dealt with that and at least Down’s isn’t life-threatening.
And right now, that’s my big worry. I’m concerned this baby has a terminal physical or genetic condition that will either kill it in the womb or shortly after he/she is born. And really, that’s the crux of this whole thing and what we need to determine. Because while it will be heart-breaking to watch our unborn die at 17-18 weeks, I have to believe it is soul-crushing and damn near life-ending to bury a child shortly after he/she is born.
Unfortunately, time is a factor right now. If this pregnancy has to be terminated it should be before 16 weeks (we’re coming up on 14 now). Otherwise it gets dicey health-wise not to mention the fact that MJ would have to deliver a dead child. That is something I need to try to avoid at all costs.
Again, these are all hypotheticals and I’m still clinging to the ever-shrinking hope that everything will be OK. MJ, however, has prepared for the worst. And I don’t blame her. If she was optimistic like I am and then got horrible news next week in Boston, it would crush the life out of her. So steeling herself mentally and emotionally is a natural defense mechanism. I feel so horribly for her. She’s carrying a baby inside of her, feeling it grow but knowing all the while there’s a very good possibility it will all be for nothing. That is a mind fuck the likes of which I cannot fathom.
As for me, I can’t help it. I’m just not there yet, which means the anvil is set to fall on my head next week. I guess I’ll deal with that when I have to.
Again thank you (most of you anyways) for all your support and I promise I’ll keep you updated as this all unfolds. Now go hug your kids.