Baby Olympics

This post also appeared on in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

My wife is obsessed with the Olympics.

This is the same woman who generally falls asleep on the couch at 8 p.m., yet she’s been up lately until 11 o’clock at night waiting for her dreamboat Michael Phelps to swim. I’m going to go on the assumption that she watches because she values his skills as a Olympic swimmer, and not because he’s eternally shirtless and displaying a body that looks like it was chiseled from marble.

But even though I’m not a big fan of the Olympics, it got me thinking about things. After all, the Olympic games consist of a variety of events and some of them are really out there (trampolining comes to mind). So what if we were to develop an Olympics for parents and babies? Can you imagine some of the crazy events that would be involved? Well I can, see what you think. And I’m for the purposes of convenience I’m combining summer and winter olympic sports.

This event actually requires quite a bit of strategy in addition to brute strength. Because an empty diaper won’t travel as far as one filled to the hilt with excrement, parents are given two hours prior to the event to prepare. That consists of feeding your baby as much formula as possible, and maybe even some prunes for good measure. Once your baby unloads a crap the size of Beijing itself, you bundle that bad boy up and shotput the heck out of it. Can you imagine the suspense? Who will throw it the farthest? How gross will it be when it lands and splats everywhere? Will someone pass out from the sheer stench before they even get a chance to throw? Definite potential here.

You bundle your baby up in very warm, cushioned clothing since they’ll be on the ice and all, and you slide the babies down the ice instead of stones. Just picture it: The United States has one baby left but China’s baby is directly in the way. The crowd falls silent as the Americans push a 12-pound baby down the ice and the crowd goes wild as the infants collide and China’s baby is pushed out of contention as USA takes the gold medal. What’s that you say? This is sick and offensive? Maybe, but be honest….you’d watch it wouldn’t you? C’mon and admit it. It’s OK, I would too. This is one instance where obese American children could come in handy, since they would knock the rest of the skinny little foreign babies clear off the ice!

This event is for parents to showcase their ability to perform multiple household duties while holding a baby the entire time. The race begins in the morning and as soon as participants pick up their baby the first thing they have to do is make a pot of coffee. Then, while that is brewing, they lug their baby over to get out a bowl and a spoon, grab the cereal from the top of the fridge, dump it in the bowl and then pour the milk. Points will be deducted for spilled cereal and milk. Once the coffee is done it’s time to pour a cup in a styrofoam cup but this has to be done as you are simultaneously feeding your baby a bottle. If you spill hot coffee on the baby you are disqualified. Then you jump on the computer to answer a few e-mails. Points will be taken away for taking too long to type and misspellings during the one-handed typing. The competition ends with the parent strapping the kid into the car seat, lugging him to the car and safely buckling him in.

Just imagine a stadium full of people cheering you on as you round the track competing with the world’s best stroller racing participants. You’re bumping into the Russian and French parents as you compete for the inside track, hoping you won’t need to stop to replace those little plastic wheels. And you pray your baby can make it 200 laps without a pit stop to change a poopy diaper.

Obviously there will be no floor routine, uneven bars, parallel bars, vault or the beam. Instead, we simply sit the babies up and whoever is last to fall over wins. Actually, this is an activity my friends and I routinely bet on with our children, but please don’t tell MJ.

This is actually a mother-father tandem race. The first person runs to the kitchen to make a bottle of formula. When it’s ready, that parent hands the bottle off to the other who rushes to the baby for a feeding. Once the baby has taken 4 ounces of formula, that parents hands the baby back to the first parents who must then completely change a diaper. Once changed, the other parent comes in and has to dress the baby in a onsie, a pair of pants, socks and a hat. At that point the next parent must buckle the kid in the stroller and start the first lap around the complex. The second parent takes the final lap and then re-enters the house. The last feat to be performed includes reading a story and then getting you child to lay down for a nap. The contest doesn’t end until the baby’s eyes are closed and he is fully asleep. Let’s see Michael Phelps do that!

Nahhhh….even I’m not that cruel!

Anyone else have any ideas for Baby Olympics? Go ahead, name your made up event!

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