Baby Talk

This post also appeared on in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

Every parent has uttered the phrase “I wonder what he/she is thinking right now” regarding their baby at some point in time. I’m no different. And maybe I have an overactive or twisted imagination, but here’s my best guess as to what Will is thinking throughout the day…

5:30 a.m.
“YAWWWWWN. Oh, I hear that big guy letting those furry four-legged things outside again. Sweet! That means it’s time to eat. OK, come get me. I said come get me. Yo, hungry over here. WAAAAAAA!!! Ah, there you are. Lift me up and take me to breakfast funny man.”

5:45 a.m.
Yum. That’s good stuff. That mommy person sure delivers a good breakfast. OK, I’m sleepy again. Put me in between the pretty person and that big guy so I can fall asleep.

7 a.m.
Dammit, the mommy woman got out of bed and now I’m up. She’s in the shower but I’m bored and wide awake. Oh well, I’ll just get that big daddy guy up. HEY! Big guy! Get up. C’mon, wake up! I’m in a good mood and I want to play. Fine, you don’t wanna wake up on your own? I’ll use these feet things I just found and….WHACK! Hahaha, you like that one? That’s called kicking and I’m getting good at it. How’d you like another? BAM! Yeah…you’re up now aren’t you? Now wipe the sleep out of your eyes, get out of bed and play with me and talk to me.

7:30 a.m.
Oh man…mommy is leaving again. Too bad, she smells nice and gives me lots of kisses. But it’s OK, I don’t mind this daddy guy so much. He’s fun too. Gotta go, I just found out I can put my whole hand in my mouth!!

8:30 a.m.
That formula stuff was good but I’m getting that feeling in my stomach again. Oh boy, here it comes! This is my favorite part of the day. Wait, wait…have to hold it until the daddy guy is right next to me again. Ok, here he comes…NOW! Hahahahahaha! Smell that?!?! Now change me because I feel like I’m sitting in mud here…

8:32 a.m.
Ok, wait until he gets the diaper off….and NOW! Ha, I peed on him again! You’d think he’d learn to shield himself but I get him every time!

10:00 a.m.
Oh yes! He’s putting that wonderful thing on the TV again. Something about a Baby named Einstein. Sweet Jesus I love this. Look at the bright colors! Listen to those sounds! I could sit here all day looking at this.

11:30 a.m.
Oh no, not this again. Why do they insist on putting me on the floor on my stomach. I don’t like this. Having to push myself up like this and look like an idiot when knows damn well I can’t stand or crawl. I can’t believe he makes me suffer this kind of indignity. Just wait until I poop on his hand this afternoon…

1 p.m.
Oh good, I get to ride in that really fast, shiny thing outside. I love this thing, i think they call it a car. Well actually, mommy calls it a “CAH!” but she talks funny. I wonder where we’re going this time.

1:30 p.m.
Man I’m sleepy. That car things puts me to sleep every single time. Hmmm, where are we? Everyone is sitting and eating and so is the dad guy. We must be at one of those places that serves you food when you’re too lazy to make it yourself. But I like these places because everybody comes over, looks at me and tells me how good looking I am. Truthfully, I know I’m cute but it’s always nice to get a self-esteem boost. Uh oh, here comes one now. OK, time to put that million dollar grin…

3 p.m.
Being this adorable sure is exhausting. Time for a nap. Now let me get this blanket to cover my face, turn on my side and I’m all set.

4:30 p.m.
That was a nice nap. Now where’s dad? Oh there he is, on the computer again. I should have known. I hear him and mommy talking about how dad writes about me on the computer. Not sure if I’m comfortable with that. After all, how do I know what he’s writing about me. If it’s bad I’m going to have to consider a lawsuit over slander. Or is it libel? Dammit, I always get those confused. Oh well, I just discovered my feet three days ago so I won’t beat myself up over it.

6 p.m.
This dad guy is a real character sometimes. I know I’m irresistable but dude, give me some space. Yes, yes I know I’m a handsome boy. No, no I cannot say “Da-da” at the moment so please stop pestering me. Ok, fine…here’s your smile. Happy? Yes, you’re happy now. Keep jumping through the hoop big man. In 16 years remember this when I ask for the car keys.

7 p.m.
The mommy is home!! Boobie time!!!!!

8:30 p.m.
OK mom and dad, thanks for all the entertainment. That Dr. Suess is quite the author. Riveting really. Green eggs and ham? Who thinks of that stuff. But sadly it’s time for me to go to bed. Off to the crib with me. But not before I pee on the dad guy one more time!

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