My wife and I have said some horrible things to each other while engaged in heated arguments. Or while we’re just sitting on the couch watching TV. I’ve dropped the C-bomb on her and she has wished death upon me while trying to impale me with the pointy end of a broom. It’s gotten ugly, no question. But never has she said anything so offensive – so horrible – as she did a few days ago.
I was giving Will a bath, as I’m prone to do, and MJ was looking on over my shoulder as I washed my boy. As I got down to his twig and berries, I cracked a joke and asked MJ to hand me a bigger washcloth. I thought it was funny. She was unimpressed.
“Get it? Because he’s so well endowed I need a bigger washcloth?” I said.
I received a blank stare in response.
“Because…you know, he’s got a huge dong!”
The ensuing conversation will bother me for as long as I live, and frankly I don’t think I can ever forgive her. MJ rolled her eyes at me and said “Yeah, he does have a cute little penis.”
My mood soured immediately. I turned to her and tried to educate her about male genitalia talk.
“Honey, we don’t use the words ‘cute’ or ‘little’ when talking about Will’s penis. Got it?” I said. It was then, without ever changing expression, she said the following:
“Oh please. His dick is so small.”
I stood there stunned, my jaw hitting the floor. Granted, MJ is a woman and therefore is penis-less. But even women know you’re not supposed to ever say such an awful thing about a guy. I felt the indignation swelling up inside of me and I promptly stood to defend my son’s honor.
“Small? Small??? What the hell are you talking about? First of all, he’s a baby. They’re all small. But proportionally speaking he absolutely holds his own. How could you even think to say such a thing? What is wrong with you?”
At that point, she had a gleam in her eye. I know the look well. It’s the eager and giddy look she gets when she knows that she’s gotten under my skin and can rattle my cage. So it shouldn’t have surprised me when she went for the knockout punch.
“Like father like son I guess.”
In the span of about 30 seconds she had managed to insult her husband’s manhood as well as her poor son’s. The next few minutes were a blur as I frantically defended the both of us against her womanly attack on the very essence of our masculinity. Besides, she told me it was a good size…
Even though, deep down, I knew she was screwing with me (and doing a damn good job of it I might add), I took the bait hook, line and sinker. She said maybe the doctors cut off too much at the circumcision. I told her she was nuts. She wanted to know why sometimes his little guy goes inverted. I countered that if Mom would turn the heat on once in awhile then the Frozen Turtle Syndrome wouldn’t be happening.
I even tried to turn the tables around on her, asking her how she’d like it if I insulted her privates. She told me she wouldn’t care. So like a toddler throwing a fit, I told her that her vagina was too big. Yup, I kind of lost it. I got down on my knees and shouted in the direction of her crotch yelling “ECHO, ECHO, ECHO!” in an attempt to prove my point. I compared her Hoo-ha to the sails on a boat flapping in the breeze. I even trotted out one of my favorite euphemisms for vagina, the “axe wound!” But try as I might, there’s really no equivalent comeback for a guy after a woman has insulted the size of his package. It’s unfair really. Especially when none of it is true.
Basically, I went off on an expletive laden tirade that happens only when a man and his son’s genitals have been viciously and unfairly maligned like politicians in those nasty attack ads. None of what I was saying was true, but that didn’t stop me from shouting it at her.
Of course, I played right into her hands getting that upset. And she just smiled and let me rant, fully aware that I was making a complete ass of myself. Because she’s a woman and…well, she’s smarter than I am.
I’d like to say that someday I’ll be able to prevent her from being able to get under my skin that easily, but that’s probably a lie.
A lie just like the one she said about me and Will by the way!