My wife and I have said some horrible things to each other while engaged in heated arguments. Or while we’re just sitting on the couch watching TV. I’ve dropped the C-bomb on her and she has wished death upon me while trying to impale me with the pointy end of a broom. It’s gotten ugly, no question. But never has she said anything so offensive – so horrible – as she did a few days ago. 

I was giving Will a bath, as I’m prone to do, and MJ was looking on over my shoulder as I washed my boy. As I got down to his twig and berries, I cracked a joke and asked MJ to hand me a bigger washcloth. I thought it was funny. She was unimpressed. 

“Get it? Because he’s so well endowed I need a bigger washcloth?” I said. 

I received a blank stare in response. 

“Because…you know, he’s got a huge dong!” 

The ensuing conversation will bother me for as long as I live, and frankly I don’t think I can ever forgive her. MJ rolled her eyes at me and said “Yeah, he does have a cute little penis.” 

My mood soured immediately. I turned to her and tried to educate her about male genitalia talk. 

“Honey, we don’t use the words ‘cute’ or ‘little’ when talking about Will’s penis. Got it?” I said. It was then, without ever changing expression, she said the following: 

“Oh please. His dick is so small.”

I stood there stunned, my jaw hitting the floor. Granted, MJ is a woman and therefore is penis-less. But even women know you’re not supposed to ever say such an awful thing about a guy. I felt the indignation swelling up inside of me and I promptly stood to defend my son’s honor. 

“Small? Small??? What the hell are you talking about? First of all, he’s a baby. They’re all small. But proportionally speaking he absolutely holds his own. How could you even think to say such a thing? What is wrong with you?” 

At that point, she had a gleam in her eye. I know the look well. It’s the eager and giddy look she gets when she knows that she’s gotten under my skin and can rattle my cage. So it shouldn’t have surprised me when she went for the knockout punch. 

“Like father like son I guess.” 

In the span of about 30 seconds she had managed to insult her husband’s manhood as well as her poor son’s. The next few minutes were a blur as I frantically defended the both of us against her womanly attack on the very essence of our masculinity. Besides, she told me it was a good size… 

Even though, deep down, I knew she was screwing with me (and doing a damn good job of it I might add), I took the bait hook, line and sinker. She said maybe the doctors cut off too much at the circumcision. I told her she was nuts. She wanted to know why sometimes his little guy goes inverted. I countered that if Mom would turn the heat on once in awhile then the Frozen Turtle Syndrome wouldn’t be happening. 

I even tried to turn the tables around on her, asking her how she’d like it if I insulted her privates. She told me she wouldn’t care. So like a toddler throwing a fit, I told her that her vagina was too big. Yup, I kind of lost it. I got down on my knees and shouted in the direction of her crotch yelling “ECHO, ECHO, ECHO!” in an attempt to prove my point. I compared her Hoo-ha to the sails on a boat flapping in the breeze. I even trotted out one of my favorite euphemisms for vagina, the “axe wound!” But try as I might, there’s really no equivalent comeback for a guy after a woman has insulted the size of his package. It’s unfair really. Especially when none of it is true. 

Basically, I went off on an expletive laden tirade that happens only when a man and his son’s genitals have been viciously and unfairly maligned like politicians in those nasty attack ads. None of what I was saying was true, but that didn’t stop me from shouting it at her. 

Of course, I played right into her hands getting that upset. And she just smiled and let me rant, fully aware that I was making a complete ass of myself. Because she’s a woman and…well, she’s smarter than I am.  

I’d like to say that someday I’ll be able to prevent her from being able to get under my skin that easily, but that’s probably a lie. 

A lie just like the one she said about me and Will by the way!

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17 thoughts on “Blasphemy!

  1. oh boy…already this is happening? Let the poor guy grow into before you make judgements…LOL

    I give you mad props for speaking so openly on the blog about your sons genitalia-I just hope he doesn’t EVER read these…

  2. First, “Beef Curtains” or “Meat Curtains” is better than Axe Wound.

    And all baby boys have weenies that look like Japanese mushrooms. All of them.

  3. This round definitely goes to MJ, lmao!! Axe wound? Really? smh, what is wrong with you? lol

  4. You mean you don’t already stuff your pants?? But this just proves women are way more cutthroat than guys are.

    And JEE, what do you mean I lost that round? Since when is freaking out, throwing a fit and yelling at a woman’s private parts losing??

  5. MJ killed you “Like father like son” … you flopped like McCain trying to think of a come-back line.

    I must say your household is interesting … lol

  6. Ummm, When your reaction was engineered solely for her amusement? Well, her amusement and ours, so, thanks! 🙂

  7. Just a guess Aaron, but I am thinking that somewhere, probably in a fire-safe box MJ has her half of the divorce papers all filled out with copies of your blogs post like this one. “Echo”! “Sails”!. Maybe I am sharing too much or am alone on this one, BUT, women who have given birth are concerned that things won’t go back to the way they used to be. And well, frankly, of course they don’t! Having a 7, 8, or even 9+ human pass through an opening that can often be too small to comfortable insert a tampon into, is just going to do some damage. We are willing to make this sacrifice thought because we assume (and hope) that the man we are with and vows to love us, would NEVER, EVER have a problem with the “damage” since it was his child that did the damage.
    Lastly, that is what you get for circumsizing. 😉 You cut part it off! Poor kid. If it wasn’t suppose to be there then he wouldn’t have come with it!

  8. that was supposed to be 7, 8, or 9+ POUND human – oops! I think you need to add spell check to your comments section!

  9. I seriously wish that MJ would post a “counter-blog” to some of these. i am willing to bet my first born (and second if anyone wants a package deal) that there are def two different sides to some of these stories. I tell my son all the time (when he keeps playing with it) “dont worry baby, it will grow someday” his father gets just as defensive as you did. But i would still love to here from MJs mouth how that “matchup” went. LOL

  10. Jules, while things do change after a woman gives birth I was hoping it was painfully obvious that I was kidding about the sails and the echo. I still said it, but it’s not true at all and I would never air that kind of dirty laundry if it was. Rest assured, MJ either reads or listens to every entry in which she’s involved.

    And Jessie, MJ actually did post once. It was pretty good too, although she ripped me a new one. But when some commenters criticized her a little bit she got gunshy and swore she’d never post again. As businesslike as MJ is, she’s actually got pretty thin skin so unless she comes out of retirement (and I welcome that because I think it’s great to have her post) I’d say she’s going to remain on the sidelines.

  11. So your peditrician has never said,”WOW he’s big!” when he checks to make sure his testicles are descended? Don’t worry I’m sure that you are, I mean, Will is a normal healthy size.

  12. Maybe the feminine wipes has a negative effect on the size of his manhood as well as his manliness?

  13. I’m sure Will’s willy is a fine size indeed. Yours, we’ll have to take your word for it 😉 I, for one, loved your comeback rant. She could have stopped your assault on her axe wound in a second, though, if she told you that the sails have come down and the curtains have been closed forever!

    You’ll never win, man, never!

  14. Jules… You are alone on this one… Everything returned to it’s original state just fine.

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