When MJ told me she and Will were leaving for four days to head down to a family party in New Jersey, I have to admit my first reaction was “Sweet! I get the house to myself!!!”
Immediately I had visions of my friends over, drinking lots of beer, watching the Red Sox with the volume turned up as high as I wanted and sitting on the couch with my hands down my pants in total peace. Because believe it or not, there was a time when I could drink copious amounts of alcohol, party until all hours of the night, hop from bar to bar and then get up in the morning and do it all over again. Actually, that virtually describes my life from the end of college until I started dating MJ in 2004.
I lived with friends who could drink more in one sitting than any normal human being should be capable of. I’m serious. My friend Alex (aka The Bear) was known to drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels or Jameson whiskey in one sitting. My friend Dino had an amazing accomplishment at a Jimmy Buffett party once. He took a drag of his cigarette, inhaled, took two mammoth bites out of a raw onion, pounded a bottle of vodka, swallowed it all and then exhaled the smoke! To quote Barney Stinson, it was Legend…wait for it…dary!
And while I was never that hardcore, I could hold my own. And frankly, after you’ve changed thousands of poopy diapers and spent the vast majority of your time caring exclusively for another human being, those glory days start calling to you like a Springsteen song.
But a funny thing happened this morning after MJ and Will were gone. The house was quiet. Very quiet. I tried to sleep in but I couldn’t because I am so used to waking up with Will, changing him and feeding him. So I kind of wandered around the house aimlessly, ending up in his nursery. And like the little bitch that I am I started playing with his toys and smelling some of his clothes.
And that’s when I realized I’m ruined. I’d rather hang out with my infant son than do shots at the bar. I’d rather be on the floor making him laugh than drinking with buddies until I hit the floor. Don’t get me wrong, I still have friends coming over and we’re going to watch the Red Sox destroy the Angels tomorrow night and have a good time. But it’s not the same anymore.
Damn kid. See what they do to you?!?