Catching Up

OK, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do…

First of all, happy belated birthday to my brother and the keeper of the Daddy Files, Nate. He’s 27 now and I love him for all the work he’s done on this site. It almost makes me regret the time I kicked him in the eye with a cowboy boot when we were kids. Almost.

The HASAY challenge is going terribly. I was in South Carolina for most of last week and that meant eating out for every meal. Not only that, but I had access to BBQ and they serve everything with garlic toast and these things called hushpuppies which I’d never heard of before but I LOVE. They are really just glorified fried dough and they are delicious. Not to mention I had a McDonald’s and a Wendy’s right next to the hotel. Needless to say I didn’t just cheat on my diet, I lit it on fire and then stomped on it. I’m pretty much resigned to the fact that I’m going to be freezing my nuts off when I lose this bet to Cape Cod Gal. So be it…

Will was so sick over the weekend. How sick? Let me paint a nauseating picture for you. His fever went down but he was still wicked congested and when we laid him down flat, the poor kid just went into coughing fits and he couldn’t breathe. So instead of getting up every 20 minutes, we took him into our bed and propped him up with pillows. But the kid’s like a slinky and he kept falling over. So being the good daddy that I am, I put my arm around him and nestled him in the crook of my arm. It did the trick. He fell fast asleep and so did I.

Right up until the point where I heard a gurgling noise and felt something very hot and wet on my arm. Then I felt it on my side. Then I realized I was laying in a lake of vomit. Oh yeah folks, he threw up EVERYTHING. Thank God MJ reacts well in those situations because I was frozen in fear. I hate throw up and I fear it too. Even if I hear someone throwing up, I get sick. So you can imagine what it was like to be covered in it. I felt like one of those teenage girls who screams and jumps up on a chair when she sees a spider. So I cleaned Will up, then cleaned myself up (only because MJ said “Don’t you even think about cleaning yourself before your child”) and then MJ changed all the sheets.

And wouldn’t you know it, the little bastard did the same exact thing the following night. Except this time he got me, the sheets and the comforter. So not only did I have to clean him and myself up again, but MJ had to go up in the attic and get our old, musty comforter so we wouldn’t freeze to death.

Which brings me to my next complaint. The weather is getting colder. When that happens, sensible people turn on their heat. You know, so they can be warm. So their feet don’t turn purple when they’re sitting on the couch. Well my wife has decided that saving on the electrical bill (our entire condo is electric…boooo!) is more important than frostbite. So now I have to walk around with my turkeys done and my testicles shriveled up inside my stomach, all because my wife is the most frugal New Englander on the planet.

Other than being covered in vomit, the perpetually hard nipples, the frostbite, the retracted testicles and the complete failure to work out or eat right, things are going pretty well.

Now get out there and vote today.

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11 thoughts on “Catching Up

  1. “Retracted testicles.”

    Bwahahaha!

    Hope you all feel better soon. This garbage is going around the country (we had it, too).

  2. Ouch! Sorry, man. Puke and frozen extremities? That’s just wrong! I hope everyone has a better night tonight. Hopefully, if all goes well with the election, you’ll have a much better night, as will I.

  3. ROTFLMFAO!!!!! Aside from the sympathy I have for Will not feeling well, the rest of that was friggin hilarious!! Your delivery is hysterical. I’m right there with MJ, I haven’t turned my heat on yet either and I’m getting a ration of shit from my guy and my kids. You’ll all get over it or you’ll get second jobs, lol. It’s one or the other.

  4. Hush puppies are best with ketchup!!!!! Basically a fried ball of cornbread! BTW…. I miss the cool weather, I’m in TX in 85 degree temp still running our AC!!!

  5. I sympathize with the electric heat- that’s what we had at our condo too. And I clearly remember the fights over whether or not the heat should be on. Not to sound like an NSTAR ad, but if you haven’t had an energy audit done on your unit you should. It’s free through the Cape Light Compact (they still have that right?) and they will spruce up your insulation and tell you what you can do to make your unit more efficient. The audit is free but they won’t do a ton of work for free (but they do some) and we saved $600 the year after we had it done. Check it out!
    BTW- I am now a big hush puppy fan too!

  6. Oh wait till he can walk – then it really gets fun. My daughter woke up in middle of night, came to -of course- my side of bed and said, mommy i gotta frow up. and then she did, all over my bed, then proceeded to walk thru my room and thru the living room and then the kitchen trying to get to the bathroom, by the time she was done “frowing” up, my entire house was covered. I would have killed for a mildewy (real word? ) comforter being my biggest concern that night. LOL. sorry – didnt mean to scare you about children growing older, HAHA

  7. Your poor wife! I have decided that I’m going to kidnap her one day real soon. She needs a spa day or something.

    I’m sure your balls, weiner and nips will be just fine. If you’d like, I will pretend for 2 seconds that I’m very concerned about them. Any longer than that makes me feel kinda icky.

    We keep our house at a nippy 58 degrees. I have two words for you….flannel socks. They’re not just for feet!

  8. “Don’t you even think about cleaning yourself before your child”

    Why? Kylie just puked all over me this morning. My husband cleaned her up while I cleaned myself up. If we didn’t do that there would be a bigger mess.

    I’m assuming Hush Puppies are a southern thing…I had them when I visited my grandma in North Carolina and haven’t seen them anywhere but around there. They.Are.Amazing.

    Well, here’s hoping Will feels better! And you should get some of those long underwear things. That should help with the cold.

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