Caught in the Act: What Not to Do When Your Kid Catches You Having Sex

From the moment your kid takes those first fateful steps, the timer starts counting down. You never know when it’ll hit zero, but whether it’s a matter of months or you’re lucky enough to remain unscathed until he/she is a teenager, your kid will accidentally walk in on you while you’re gettin’ it on with your spouse.

Our timer went off last week.

It happened innocently enough. The weather was beautiful and it was the kind of quintessential Sunday afternoon by which all other Sunday afternoons should be measured. Temperatures in the low 80s, every window in the house open, the sun lazily warming the inside of the house and a gentle breeze billowed the curtains and left you feeling like you stepped into a Norman Rockwell painting. We were all home together (a miracle in and of itself) and simply relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. It was nice.

After lunch it was time for Will’s nap so we both brought him up to bed and read him a story. He was so cute pointing out the different dinosaurs one-by-one, even nailing the difficult ones like the Parasaurolophus, Spinosaurus, and Diplodicus. When the stories were done, MJ and I watched him drift off to sleep with the sounds of summer serenading him through his open bedroom window. We both just marveled at him for a few moments, his angelic and innocent face asleep on his dinosaur pillow, while his perfect little chest was rising and falling in rhythmic harmony.

I looked at MJ and smiled. She slipped her fingers into mine. I slid my other arm around her waist, moved behind her, and nuzzled her neck while breathing in the absolutely intoxicating scent she seems to emanate at all times. We kissed. And then, without a word, we made a mad dash (and by mad dash I really mean the parental equivalent to a mad dash consisting of a frenzied and haphazard tiptoe of sorts so as not to wake a sleeping child) to the bedroom.

I’ll spare you the down and dirty details (which obviously consist of me being a sexual maestro, of course), but there are some things you should know which will help explain what happened next. Namely, our bedroom door does not lock. So to guard against the kid invasion, I placed a shoe up against the door. Not exactly the most hi-tech alarm system in the world but — well, I was in kind of a hurry and had other things on my mind.

I never heard the doorknob jiggle, didn’t see the door open and the shoe didn’t do a damn bit of good. All I heard was a meek little voice call out “Mama, Dada?” at which point all the glorious “motion of the ocean” ground to a complete halt, as the three of us found ourselves in a Mexican standoff.

This is a critical juncture. We’ve clearly been caught in a compromising (albeit very fun) position. Will just stood there — not knowing what to do — with a look that was equal parts amusement, bewilderment and fear. I didn’t know exactly what to say to him at that moment, but one thing was clear — whatever we said had to be measured and calm. Reacting poorly or getting upset was only going to exacerbate the situation, or worse, potentially frighten the poor kid to death. So that’s when I quickly formulated what I wanted to say.

“Will, it’s OK buddy. You don’t need to be scared. I know you’re probably wondering what’s going on, but if you can just close the door real quick so mom and I can get dressed, I’ll be right out to talk about it with you. Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong and if you have questions you can ask them. You can always talk to us about anything. We love you very much OK?”

Pretty good if I do say so myself. That’s a Father of the Year type of moment right there, especially under the extreme circumstances. It allows the situation to be diffused without blowing it up into some unnecessary traumatic event, and we end up using it as a teaching moment. Now THAT’S how you parent!

The only problem is I never got to say anything.

Before I could get the words out, MJ looked right at our poor son and let loose a horrifying shriek. Actually, it wasn’t so much of a shriek as it was a desperate scream combined with a haphazard attempt to roll off of me and hide. I admit, I may have made her dismount efforts a little more clumsy since I was in no hurry to let her go in the hopes that Will would go back to his room and we might be able to (ahem), finish what was started.

Hey, I’m a guy. Whaddya want??

So we were left with our poor 4-year-old son walking in on his parents bumpin’ uglies, made worse by MJ’s complete freak out/gymnastics show as she desperately hid from his sight. Will thought he did something wrong and I could see him starting to cry. I looked at him on the verge of tears. I looked at my wife cowering in shame. I looked at the pup tent phenomenon going on under my portion of the blankets. And when you put all those things together I — well, I started laughing hysterically.

I couldn’t help it, it was hilarious. My laughing snapped Will out of his oncoming breakdown and even seemed to put MJ a little more at ease. And when Will asked what we were doing, I just went with the old standby:

“Mommy and I were wrestling buddy.”

And that, my parental friends, was MY tactical error. Because as soon as he heard wrestling he made a beeline for the bed and tried to pounce on us. Needless to say, having your kid in bed with you mere moments after you were doing…other things in the bed — well, let’s just say it cured the pup tent problem right quick!

As for Will, he seems fine. Hopefully it’s something he’ll repress until he’s in his 20s and it comes up in therapy. But let this be a lesson to all of you: be prepared!

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18 thoughts on “Caught in the Act: What Not to Do When Your Kid Catches You Having Sex

  1. We had our daughter walk in on us a couple years ago…We actually woke her…When she walked in, still half asleep, I yelled “get back to your bed!” The next day she told us she had a dream that Mommy was riding Daddy like a horse…It was hard not to laugh!

    There was another time she came in after we were done, and asked why the bed was making so much noise…My wife told her it was just because Daddy was upset about the hockey game…Sometimes lying is just the best way to go!
    TheBeeze recently posted..State of Hockey Wants to Live Up to NameMy Profile

  2. Time to get a lock on that door!!!

    The only time our door is locked is during that special time… and without that lock… there wouldn’t be as much hanky in the panky department.

    Our kids are 7 and 4 and we’ve been managing to avoid this situation pretty well so far…
    Eternal Lizdom recently posted..Fragments – July 6thMy Profile

  3. “Daddy was upset about the hockey game.”

    Best line I’ve ever heard!

    Thank God my three years olds sleep like tanks. I’m sure it’ll inevitably happen that they walk in on us, but for now I’ve avoided it. The pleasure of having two kids is that when they wake up, they entertain and play with each other.
    Big Dan recently posted..How To Replace A Lawnmower BladeMy Profile

  4. It is a good thing if the kid is at a half-conscious state when he barges in the middle of the act. If not, expect it as something that he will talk about while sitting in a couch.

    Buy a new lock and have it installed. It is a very good investment.
    Jessica recently posted..great reviews about jamplayMy Profile

  5. I’m not a parent but I was laughing so hard at this I had tears coming down my face. I admire anyone who is a parent!

  6. With our first, we were REALLY lucky. With our second – well, unfortunately, while our bedroom door had a lock, there was also a before unnoticed inch or so gap between the floor and the bottom of the door. And I looked over and someone was peering under the door, incredibly fascinated. He knew (I don’t know how) exactly what act we were doing. I stand up and compose myself and my spouse does the same, and we find him hiding in his room because he was afraid he was going to get in trouble. And he made a statement that probably froze my look in a face of horror (it’s a good thing he doesn’t remember this). He made his, um, ignorance of the female anatomy known when he asked something that CLEARLY pointed to his belief that…..since he knew it was sex (again, I don’t know how), well, how should I put this? He said something was going into an area that it wasn’t. So that’s how I had to tell my 2 1/2 year old about female anatomy.

  7. So me and my husband where putting my youngest to sleep (3) well for a nap so then my husband got up said kaytlen its time for a nap. After we read her a book. So then my husband stood up stand behind me grab me from my waist and watch my kaytlen go to sleep. Then she fell asleep we waited. Then my husband went trough my neck and I was wearing a nice short long dress he slept his hand inside my underwear then he kept going when my 13 year old saw the whole thing trough the TV (it was turned off) she calls us dritty people. Then we got scared my husband took his hand off the we looked at her it was funny she laugh and said I’m kidding but gross. Then my 15 year old came and ask if she could get a cupcake or something like that when my 13 year old told her and they both laugh then we were pretending to laugh when we were during of embarrassment while they died of laughter. Oh but we were in the living room do we did not wake my baby up. So we went to the room and I was acting like doing something when my husband closed the door and he took my dress of and I was turned on he told me it was OK so we stated touching and kissing then allowed of a sudden we were naked on the chair my husband was sitting and I gave him oral (sorry) so he was cumming (I am rely sorry) so it was all over when we herd vometing it was 4 of my girls and my 13 year old pucking we stooped then I looked down then I pucked all over it was so embarrassing then he went to graba bblanket throw it at my he grabbed a pillow my little poor kaytlen got sacred and ran into her room my 15 helping my 13 and omg my 10 year old crying but not of fear of anger then they all ran to there room its been a day well by that I mean the rest of that day they were all girls I have 16 15 13 10 3 year old girls then 17 6 year old boys but my 17 took my 6 year old to soccer practice. I rely need advixe y husband and I are rely feeling guilty but all of my kids are close they all get along even my holders ate taking care of our youngest and try to get away as Mich as possible

  8. (I am 13 years old) One day, my dad was in his room watching tv while my mom was trying to sleep, so I walked in to see my dad watching a movie called “Orgazmo.” My mom was disgusted for once and she suddenly said that she wanted to go to sleep. I gave my dad the look of disgust and he turned off the tv. Me being the obedient child, I left the room and gave her a goodnight kiss. My room is directly in front of theirs, so I could practically jump in there. The door wasn’t closed when I walked out, so I just went straight to bed and closed my eyes. I kept hearing them talk so I yelled “Why are you guys so loud!!” and then my mom apologized and agreed to get some sleep. After about 5 minutes, I heard a bunch of fast talking in a kind of rushy tone as if they were in a hurry for something. Then I heard someone scrambling through bags and I heard a package being torn open. They were completely dumb about the fact that it has only been five minutes and both of our doors are open. I still listened to what was going on though because I thought someone was just eating medicine. A few minutes after they opened that package of something, I heard the bed creaking, and I thought “Oh it’s just dad trying to sleep.” because he always moves in his sleep, but this time it was going at a constant speed. I froze in my bed and removed my blanket, still lying in my bed, I try to process the situation. I was about to grab my iPod and turn on the flashlight into their room, but I thought that it would be a bad idea and so I didn’t. I quickly got up in the most angriest mood and stomped into their room. The bed quickly stopped shaking (thank god there was no lights) and my mom hurriedly said, “What’s wrong? You can’t sleep?” in the most sweetest tone (which my mom never does). I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. All of a sudden I slipped down to the floor and began to cry silently. My mom began to get furious and said, “What are you doing on the floor!? Get back to your room!” My mom began to give me a long lecture on life and how people give her problems. She then yelled at me to get up and go to bed. She told me to close the door behind me as I was crying hysterically. I also closed my doors. Once I got into my bed, I grabbed my iPod and began to listen to music while I was crying. I understand that what they were doing is a part of life, but it was pure disgusting. They for once, should at least learn how it feels in my shoes to walk in on their parents having sex. I am still in fear and beyond raged about how they could of locked their doors. It’s honestly not romantic in my shoes, from what I was hearing, they sounded like pure animals that are greedy. It may be a part of life but they could of done better to prevent the situation of me hearing them. So that my friends, is the time I walked onto my parents, having sex.

  9. Never walked in but I hope I never do
    I don’t know if they do it to be honest but ewwwww
    Mum was showing me and my brother he’s 6 and I was 11 how her phone could guess what she would type next and she neared the end of the sentence when the word sex was one of the options!!! She whipped it away since my brother didnt know anything about that yet and she gave me an embarrassed look and I probaly blushed but I’m not sure.

  10. I’ve never seen it. But I’ve heard it. It sounds weird. And it’s even grosser when your pretending to sleep and the room right next doors open and your just weeping silently. Hard to believe when I was younger that all happened. I’m glad my parents usually only do it when planing for a baby and don’t be naughty. Yuck.

  11. I once saw it when I was 5 I got scared and started to throw everything around yelling I hate this world i wanna leave i hate u my mother walked in as fast as she could and told me to go to bed I said no I hate u I don’t even know u why did u do this to me she explained what she was doing it told her save it for later then I walked down stairs when I saw him in told him I hated him and that he could burn in he11 my mom grabbed me and said I know you have a reason to be mad at me but its just life is told her how about I kill myself and there won’t be life i was furious and still crying in told her to stop talking to me she left me alone and all seen that day I won’t sleep and till there both sleep

  12. My 2 year old step daughter, was knocking lightly on our door we couldn’t hear her, she walked in on us, reverse cowgirl. My wife said go back to your room, sweetie. Mommy & Pops ( me) are having exercise our gym clothes are dirty.

    Next morning, my stepdaughter said ” I hope you used protection ” I tried to hold it in. She got her mom elbow, knee pads & bicycle helmet and me my foot all pads & helmet.

    We know put new locks on our bedroom door.

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