Hey, Check Out My Wife’s Cervix!

cervixI’ve been a parent for just more than five years, and I’m about to become one for the second time. So maybe it’s because I’ve been immersed in dad groups, mom groups, and parenting in general for half a decade that I failed to see something readily apparent to those without kids — some of the stuff we talk about is simply disgusting and way too personal!

As I said, we’re about to have another baby. And since I chronicle much of my life online, everyone wants constant updates on how we’re progressing now that MJ could potentially go into labor any minute. So, like any good denizen of social media, I’ve been sharing regular updates on our progress (or lack thereof at the moment). Which means I routinely post things like the following:

“No progress since last week. MJ is still 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated.”

If you’re a parent that probably makes perfect sense and tells you exactly what you need to know. No big deal, right? But technically speaking, here’s what I really just told the world:

“So I’d like to talk for a second about the intricacies of my wife’s vaginal region. You see, what’s happening is the uterus is preparing for the baby to come out and therefore the cervix is shortening and thinning. Soon it’ll be all stretched out and REALLY thin, at which point it will begin to open. Right now we’re at 1 cm because the doctor who shoved his fingers up there told us so. But when my wife’s baby hole becomes a gaping maw of 10 cm, we’re in business.”

Explained outside the vernacular of pregnancy, it becomes quite clear very quickly that this is pretty personal stuff we’re talking about. And when I thought some more on it, I realized it happens constantly and has been occurring for some time.

Seriously, think about it for a second. After you got married, what was the first thing your old Aunt Mildred bugged you about (probably while the reception was still in progress)? “So…when are you gonna have a baaaa-by?” Sounds common enough, but what Mildred is really saying is “When are you going to penetrate your new wife’s vagina with your penis and ejaculate your sperm into her to create new life in your womb?” Yup. Mildred basically wants a timetable of your sex life and she’s demanding to know it right then and there. Yet it’s not deemed inappropriate somehow because the cultural norm is wedding then baby — so it’s open season on asking you when you next plan on making the beasts with two backs.

I’ve also listened to many women talk about the childbirth experience post-labor, and sometimes the conversations make even a guy like me blush. “How many stitches did you need?” is really code for “On a scale of good to flapping in the breeze, how mangled and destroyed did your vagina get while passing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon?” Even breastfeeding — as wonderful as it is — falls into this category. “Are you having any troubling breastfeeding?” usually means “How bloody and chewed up are your nipples these days?”

And don’t get me started on potty training. An army of parents (myself included) talking excessively about what manner of human feces was deposited into a plastic bucket, the amount, the number of times a day it successfully occurred — and sometimes with pictures!?

Once I stopped and stepped back from the situation I realized parents often find themselves in this odd alternative dimension in which the rules of good taste and propriety cease to apply. It’s like we all collectively say “Aw fuck it!” because we’ve all been there and we understand. But to the uninitiated, we just look like raving lunatics with no sense of boundaries or good taste.

Gotta run, I think my wife’s cervix may have dilated to 2 cm. Pics to follow.

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10 thoughts on “Hey, Check Out My Wife’s Cervix!

  1. Good luck to you and MJ, I hope she has a great delivery (Or as great as hours of pain and exhaustion can be.) I now have 3 munchkins and my TMI levels are very different when it comes to parenting and childbirth. Get me around another mom and it can get grosser than an episode of Walking Dead. :)

  2. This is great, Aaron. Oversharing is my homebase, so you’re great with me. Good luck!!

    Gaping maw, huh??? :)

  3. Yeah. I don’t care what circles of friends your talking with, the state of any woman’s vagina really doesn’t need to be the topic of conversation. I’d straight up murder my husband if he went blabbing about my body (especially given the vulnerability of pregnancy and childbirth) to random people. In reality, cervical checks are needless (and sometimes painful) exams, a woman can walk around at a 4 for weeks before giving birth or she could be sealed up and suddenly go into labor an hour later… So on that note, I REALLY don’t understand why the status of a woman’s vagina ever needs to be mentioned.

    “Exactly what you need to know” for anyone who is involved in that conversation is that labor hasn’t started yet. Simple. No anatomy lessons required.

    I think it also requires a certain level of respect to not talk so candidly about someone else’s body.

    Now women talking with other women… There’s a difference between volunteering information about yourself with a group of close friends and broadcasting information about someone else’s body with perfect strangers.

    JMHO.

  4. I come from a medical family. Our dinnertime conversation sometimes makes me want to say “whoa! Could I just eat without discussing intestines for once?”
    When I was taking EMT training, we would all be sitting there eating our dinner while viewing slides of gruesome accidents.
    I’d be happy to provide you with my blog address, except I really don’t need sourpusses like Marie visiting.
    Good luck to your wife!

  5. Marie is so correct and no man should answer her with sarcasm.

    Turn this around and let’s talk about husbands’ erections and impotence in graphics. See if the men, would like that.

    I just think that it is inappropriate for a men to graphically discuss what happens to women during pregnancy and other female times. No man wll ever understand or experience pregnancy, and it is not for men to tell others how to feel. Discussing the issues of pregnancy is better left to women and their health practitioner. I don’t believe that men would appreciate women discussing how their penises and testicles react during impotence and erections.

  6. Beryl: So you want to censor what everyone talks about? That’s healthy.

    If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine. But don’t tell me what I can and can’t talk about. You have no right and you’re in no position to do so.

    FYI, I talked about my own problems conceiving a child right here on this page. And guess what? I got emails from the wives of guys in similar situations thanking me for the insight into what their husbands were going through. So just because it makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean it should be banned. And it certainly doesn’t mean men can’t (or shouldn’t) talk about pregnancy. In fact, MORE men should be taking an interest in their partners’ pregnancies.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Why I Won’t Ban BossyMy Profile

  7. @Daddy Files
    I believe you are a reasonable and intelligent man, but I beg to differ. You are the one who seems to be trying to stop women, from commenting. Why are you so snarky at Marie, and me? You have been rather short, in some of your comments. You sound like you, are either angry at women, hate women, or, are trying to prove a point that men can discuss issues they don’t belong in.

    I believe that people should be able to discuss whatever they want. This is the United States of America, you know, and we do have that right. But Daddy Files, this is a little disrespectful and rude and forward and out of place, for a man, to choose women’s issues to discuss in a mixed group, with other women who that man is not in a relationship with. This would make the atmosphere, very awkward and very uncomfortable for the women in that group. It is obvious that the man could choose to discuss something that he knows is better suited for a mixed group, not something that women want to discuss in their female environment.

    Kind of like, me as a woman, choosing penises, impotence, ejaculation, testicles, foreskin, prostate, and other male issues, as a discussion topic and what’s worse, in a mixed group. How awkward would that be for the men there? I would not disrespect them that way. Besides, I don’t have knowledge from a male’s standpoint, and I certainly do not have experience with those parts and issues associated with men’s bodies.
    I’ll bet you won’t see men allowing a mixed group of people, to discuss their penises, tecticles, erections, seminal fluid, impotence, foreskin, and with graphics too. Those men would slam that topic down, right away, and even leave the area. And then we as woman are questioned for feeling the same way about our business.

  8. Beryl: You couldn’t be more wrong.

    First of all, just because I disagree vehemently with you doesn’t mean I’m a misogynist. That is a lame excuse trotted out by overly sensitive people who can’t seem to fathom that disagreement does not equal dislike or contempt. I just think you’re wrong and I’m stating that. Exactly as I do to other men.

    Second, we may be in mixed company but this is my page. My website. I determine the content and I drive the discussion here. I invite people to talk about EVERYTHING here (short of language that is racist, homophobic, etc), and other than that I place no restrictions on what’s discussed. Women have discussed penises, sperm, flatulence, and plenty of other issues involving men here. I welcome it, I don’t run from it.

    But that aside, the original post was a lighthearted one about parental overshares. I’m not sure how you and Marie managed to turn this into a scolding of men for daring to ever talk about womens’ issues. But I’m not having it.
    Daddy Files recently posted..Why I Won’t Ban BossyMy Profile

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