Douchebag

I live in a condo and that means neighbors are in close proximity. Some of them are great. Others? Well, just refer to the title of this post.

I had a run-in recently with one of the neighbors who falls in the latter category, and I’ve just had it with him. I just want to ignore him in all of his white trash glory and pretend he doesn’t exist. But for some reason he still wants to feign civility and say hello to each other. I have no interest in such things.

So I was walking my dog yesterday and I spotted him walking up ahead. There’s no way to avoid him, so I did what all the passive aggressive kids are doing these days: I whipped out my cell phone and pretended to be talking to someone to avoid a conversation with him. It worked and when I got out of earshot I hung up the phone and continued walking my dog. But unfortunately, our condo complex is one big circle. And when I got back around, he was still there.

Cursing him under my breath, I grabbed my cell phone again and faked a phone call. Amazingly, this didn’t stop him from saying hello and asking me how I was. Take a hint pal.

I simply pointed at my cell and mouthed the words “On the phone” to him and kept walking. I smiled to myself and was silently thankful for the advent of the cell phone which allowed me not to have yet another asinine conversation with this joker. But I was only a few steps past the guy when disaster struck.

As I had held the cell phone up to my ear and faked a conversation with an imaginary person on the other end of the line, my phone rang. Loudly.

As I hurriedly walked up the path to my house feeling more than a little sheepish, I heard white trash laughing and I swore he threw out a “douchebag” comment in my direction. Stupid cell phones. Why isn’t there an app for faking phone calls to avoid conversations with shitty neighbors??