ER=Entirely Ridiculous

I hate hospitals. Up until yesterday I never had an IV hooked up, never had a CT scan or any of that crap. And I avoid hospitals like the plague. So you can imagine how much pain I was in yesterday afternoon if I voluntarily drove my sorry ass to the ER without MJ riding me.

I spent eight hours there yesterday, and didn’t get home until after 3 a.m. I felt like a brick was lodged right under my ribs and the pain wouldn’t go away. I even had some shooting pains on my lower right side. So when I got there they hooked me up to an IV for starters. And just for kicks, a paramedic student played Pin the Tail on the Donkey with one of my veins. But I would’ve happily had her shoot darts from across the room at my veins if it meant I could avoid the next torturous thing…

Drinking Barium.

That’s the stuff you have to drink before a CT scan so they can put you under the machine and see everything flowing through your guts. The only problem? It tastes awful. Actually, that’s an understatement. I’d rather drink my own urine than imbibe this stuff.

The flavor on the bottle was “Vanilla Smoothie.” But there was nothing vanilla or smooth about it. It should’ve just been called “Liquid Chalk.” But calling it a smoothie and putting a picture of a vanilla shake on the bottle, they’re just setting you up for disappointment and shock. I nearly threw up when I took the first sip because it tasted like someone had milked a blackboard eraser and put it in a glass. Forget water boarding or other such torture. You make terrorists chug a couple of bottles of this shit, and we’d have world peace in a heartbeat.

So after getting jabbed with needles, drinking chalk and waiting around for 8 hours, they told me they couldn’t find anything conclusive. Wonderful. Although I’m not surprised, because I accompanied MJ to dozens of ER visits for the three years before they finally diagnosed her with Crohn’s Disease. For those three years they either told her nothing was wrong or they misdiagnosed her. I think all they were really concerned about was whether or not it was appendicitis, which apparently it wasn’t. But I sure as shit wasn’t imagining it or making it up.

Not to mention I had to pawn Will off on my mom and dad for another night, I made MJ late for work this morning and I’m missing my second day of work. Not to mention I missed the Sox, Bruins and the Celtics games. All of that and they still don’t know what’s wrong.

Health care in America…ain’t it grand?

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10 thoughts on “ER=Entirely Ridiculous

  1. I hear ya. I never enjoy the hospital either. Glad nothing was wrong though, or at least nothing they could find. Good luck.

  2. I hate going to the ER. I can think of a few better ways to spend eight hours and a couple hundred dollars than sitting in a fucking hospital.

  3. I think it’s a health care mandate that unless you’re bleeding, seizing or dying they will never take the time to actually find out what’s wrong with you.

    I maintain that the most unrealistic part of House is that they actually give a damn.

  4. Next time you have to have a CT with contrast, ask them to dope you up with demerol and give it to you up your bum! High as a kite and no taste involved.

    Hope you’re feeling better!

  5. You aren’t kidding, that Barium crap is downright nasty. It makes the old Kaopectate actually taste good. When I had to drink it my body rid itself of it immediately, which was awesome because then I got another one.

  6. I had to do that barium test right before the GB came out-ask them to do an ultrasound to look for the stones…if you have Cholestitus you will have several stones…I had 20 and the scan was inconclusive because I was actually digesting ANY food because of the blockage of the swelling etc…so all the barium did was sit in my stomach…get an ultrasound if it returns…sorry about the pain…I hope it’s nothing serious…if it is GB you will feel better soon!

  7. Ahh, yes, the chalk before the test that can’t find anything. Been there. Then my appendix burst 12 hours later. I never knew you could take it up the bum, as Laura said, but the next time I’m asking for that! Demerol is the best thing ever, and they might actually find what’s wrong with you.

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