I hate hospitals. Up until yesterday I never had an IV hooked up, never had a CT scan or any of that crap. And I avoid hospitals like the plague. So you can imagine how much pain I was in yesterday afternoon if I voluntarily drove my sorry ass to the ER without MJ riding me.
I spent eight hours there yesterday, and didn’t get home until after 3 a.m. I felt like a brick was lodged right under my ribs and the pain wouldn’t go away. I even had some shooting pains on my lower right side. So when I got there they hooked me up to an IV for starters. And just for kicks, a paramedic student played Pin the Tail on the Donkey with one of my veins. But I would’ve happily had her shoot darts from across the room at my veins if it meant I could avoid the next torturous thing…
That’s the stuff you have to drink before a CT scan so they can put you under the machine and see everything flowing through your guts. The only problem? It tastes awful. Actually, that’s an understatement. I’d rather drink my own urine than imbibe this stuff.
The flavor on the bottle was “Vanilla Smoothie.” But there was nothing vanilla or smooth about it. It should’ve just been called “Liquid Chalk.” But calling it a smoothie and putting a picture of a vanilla shake on the bottle, they’re just setting you up for disappointment and shock. I nearly threw up when I took the first sip because it tasted like someone had milked a blackboard eraser and put it in a glass. Forget water boarding or other such torture. You make terrorists chug a couple of bottles of this shit, and we’d have world peace in a heartbeat.
So after getting jabbed with needles, drinking chalk and waiting around for 8 hours, they told me they couldn’t find anything conclusive. Wonderful. Although I’m not surprised, because I accompanied MJ to dozens of ER visits for the three years before they finally diagnosed her with Crohn’s Disease. For those three years they either told her nothing was wrong or they misdiagnosed her. I think all they were really concerned about was whether or not it was appendicitis, which apparently it wasn’t. But I sure as shit wasn’t imagining it or making it up.
Not to mention I had to pawn Will off on my mom and dad for another night, I made MJ late for work this morning and I’m missing my second day of work. Not to mention I missed the Sox, Bruins and the Celtics games. All of that and they still don’t know what’s wrong.
Health care in America…ain’t it grand?