Even the best parents have dirty little secrets.
Will has been watching movies On Demand, which has been extraordinarily helpful for the times we need him to quiet down and prepare for naps/bedtime. Through our cable company, Comcast, the movies are free and available anytime. And that is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
Until Comcast decides to change their On Demand movies.
For weeks Will was fascinated with a movie called Dragon Hunters. It was this weird little animated film that was mildly entertaining for me, but Will frickin’ loved it. Couldn’t get enough of it. And so we watched it. A lot. Over and over again until we both started to memorize the words. We would seldom watch all of it because he can’t sit through an entire movie, but if I turned it on I knew he’d settle down.
A few months ago Will got up early on a Saturday and wouldn’t go back to sleep. So I told him I’d turn on Dragon Hunters and then I planned on getting some much needed Zzzzzs.
But Dragon Hunters was gone.
Comcast occasionally switches out some of their movies in the On Demand section and apparently Dragon Hunters found itself on the chopping block. I checked all the other channels, hoping against hope it might’ve just switched to another section of On Demand. But alas, it was gone.
And in its place was a screaming, inconsolable toddler.
“DADA WHHHHYYYYY? WHY IS DRAGON HUNTERS GONE? WHAT HAPPEN? WHO TOOK IT?!!?!?” he wailed.
Instead of explaining why the cable company keeps movies on a rotation, or just making up another excuse a kid would believe, I said the first thing that came to mind. Which was also the truth.
“Comcast did it pal.”
He asked who Comcast was and I told him it’s the company in charge of playing all the movies. Then he asked if Comcast is evil. Suddenly I flashed to every time the damn cable company said they’d be there between 2-5 p.m., every billing problem, every time they changed the friggin channel numbers. And then then I looked my son in the eye, nodded solemnly and confirmed that indeed, Comcast is evil.
Since that fateful day, many of Will’s beloved movies have come and gone. But we didn’t exactly draw the line at missing movies.
My back was really hurting me one day recently and I told Will I couldn’t pick him up. He asked why my back hurt, but before I could answer he said “Did Comcast do it?” Since I didn’t feel like explaining the complexities of my back pain, I rolled with it. Yes son, Comcast hurt my back. Then one day we couldn’t find his favorite stuffed animal, Monkey. We couldn’t find it because I had left it at my parents’ house by accident. So, as a responsible parent, you’d think I owned up to it right? Hell no! I blamed that one on Comcast too.
Now it’s become somewhat of a running joke:
Why is Mama sick? Comcast did it.
The Red Sox lost? Comcast did it.
Why can’t I have a new toy? Because Comcast said no.
I’ve blamed Comcast for just about everything over the last two months. Comcast is responsible for acid rain, global warming, the recession, bad weather and early bedtimes. Last week Will asked for Mac & Cheese for dinner but we were out. You think Mom or Dad took the hit for not going grocery shopping on time? Hell no, that shit is Comcast’s fault.
Last week Will asked me if Comcast lived with the Yankees and the Gmork. I figured we’ve come this far, why not go the whole nine yards?
As a result, I don’t think a kid has ever feared/loathed anything more than my son hates the cable company. We were watching TV recently and a commercial for Comcast came on. The second that name was uttered Will’s head snapped around and he growled at the TV. Yup. Growled. With bared teeth and all. It was funny at first, but now I worry he’s two steps removed from pulling a Ralphie in A Christmas Story when Scott Farkus pushes him just a little too far.
But hey, even if that happens it’s not on me. Comcast did it.