Fantasy

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It’s time.

Today I embark upon an annual tradition of the utmost importance. I will gather with my most trusted friends and family members after driving two hours. We will each bring mountains of paperwork and confidential files that we will guard with our lives. We will need to fork over $50 just to walk in the door. Then we will embark on a series of personal choices that will deeply affect the next four months of our lives.

That’s right people: Tonight is my fantasy football draft!

Sure, go ahead and laugh. But I assure you this is no laugh matter. First of all, it is an investment with some serious financial repercussions. The winner gets $500 at the end of the season, which is roughly equivalent to two tanks of gas at this point. But it’s much more than just the money.

For many of us (especially those with kids), tonight has been on our calendar for nearly a year. It is one of the only nights some of us are allowed out of the house alone. For three hours we will sit around and choose players for our fictional team. For three hours we will rag on each other mercilessly and make fun of each other’s shortcomings with reckless abandon. We will tear at one another’s self confidence for making a terrible pick or unknowingly choosing a player who is injured. For those three hours, you would never guess that we were friends for the amount of insults that go around.

And we love it.

Seriously, this is my favorite time of year. I’ve been researching this for weeks and I’ll be bringing more than 100 pages of studies with me. Some other guys in the league are known to bring color-coded folders with in-depth notes on players. Better yet, many guys bring their laptops with Mircosoft Excel spreadsheets and mock drafts considering every possible contingency.

This is no joke people.

But it’s also a lot of fun and most of us end up spending the night and having a few beers. Our wives don’t understand though. They ask questions like: “So are you going to pick the Patriots?” and “Why are you spending money to build a fake team?” Fantasy sports are not for the estrogen filled masses and the two are better kept far apart.

But tonight I am ready. I will sit around with other fat, drunken men and heatedly discuss why Tom Brady is too risky a pick for the first round. I will lambast the fool who is suckered into taking Michael Turner as a running back in the first round despite his tendency to absolutely suck against a halfway decent run defense. But more importantly, I will wallow in my sports dorkiness with other fellow nerds and enjoy a night without wives and children during which I can burp, fart, scratch myself, swear, drink and hurl insults that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush.

Fantasy drafts: They’re faaaaantastic!

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14 thoughts on “Fantasy

  1. I never understood the whole fantasy [sport] thing. It would take a lot more than $500 to get me to sit around and talk about sports for even 3 minutes, let alone 3 hours. But uh, have fun! :)

  2. A little offended! I just started an all-girl fantasy league! So maybe it IS for the estrogen filled masses. :-P. (I, too, have an Excel Spreadsheet.)

  3. Hmmmm…

    Teresa, this brings up a very touchy subject regarding women and sports. I know it’s going to be an unpopular viewpoint, but I don’t think they mix. I literally can think of only 2-3 women in my life who have the sports knowledge to successfully participate in a fantasy league. I will fully admit, you could be a sports genius and I’d have to eat my words. But usually even the girls who say they know all about sports are totally full of it.

    That having been said, if you are the real deal then you’ll get the first invite to the “Daddy Files Fantasy Football League” I hope to start next year.

  4. By the way – Aaron, Nate and myself finished in a tie for last place in the league last year. So maybe Teresa might be in good shape.

  5. Not that I would ever nitpick or anything. But Aaron actually finished last, we finished tied for 2nd to last. That being said, last year I drafted the single worst team in fantasy history. But I am way over-prepared this year. I will be armed with my laptop and my excel sheets with custom built macros to help me sift through the picks.

    This is one of my favorite days of the year. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to meet some guys in the conference room at work to discuss more strategy and get some last minute advice…

  6. You forgot the most important part. The part you told me about after the race. The part that I am STILL a bit shocked at. Oh well!

    Have fun! :)

  7. CCG: Unfortunately, our stripper friend who writes all the players’ names on the board while topless is not available this year due to a scheduling conflict. :-(

    Maybe next year…

  8. Umm . . . whatever floats your boat. Have fun. If I had $500 laying around, it wouldn’t be spent on Fantasy Football or any other fantasy sports. Can you tell I really am not interested in sports? However, I am sure that plenty of my female friends and relatives would be a little upset about your generalizations on women and sports.

  9. Aaron,
    Chalk another one up on the Chicks Only Fantasy League. Last year I won a mixed league and my hubby was kinda bent so I’m banned from any leagues that include people he may know. :) Not sure if people really get that our $40-$60 buy in pays for the winnings, online fees, draft board and keg. And we’re just chicks! Can we recruit MJ to be on our league from a virtual/conference call? Otherwise we’ll insta-draft her. The loser of our league has to cook or foot the bill for the food for the following year! Please ask MJ if she’s interested and we’ll totally get her in our league!

  10. You are probably right about the majority of women I know not having the capacity in their brains like men do for sports facts and stats. HOWEVER. I do enjoy watching games and really get into it. I am not a sports genius. But I guess I feel like you don’t have to be to have a good time with it. That must be the difference between the way I see it and the way you see it. You must take it a lot more seriously than I do. In any case, I don’t expect you to change your opinion. But I do want to point out that your post actually is saying women don’t understand the DRAW and the actual concept of it. Which clearly, many women do, since I had to turn 5 women away from my chicks only team.

  11. Teresa,

    I think the difference here is watching sports versus competing in a fantasy sports money league. A lot of women I know like watching sports, but the thought of researching depth charts, promising rookies, sleepers, busts, knowing which running back lost a key member of his offensive line, etc is not something most women I know are interested in. However, there are DEFINITELY women out there who are. Hell, there’s a woman in our sports department who puts my sports knowledge to shame and could readily whip my ass in most fantasy leagues.

    I think it’s really cool that you set up the league. And honestly, I think my group of friends treats our FF league like the Masters (boys only) because it’s one of the few times a year we can all get together just ourselves. That’s got a lot to do with it.

  12. Well I’ll give you that. I would never even THINK about asking the boys if I could join their league. I will never be to the caliber of you men with your research, but I think I will enjoy the games more by studying and researching.

  13. Well, I could easily participate in Fantasy Hockey, what with my vast amount of knowledge from growing up in a rabid “hockey family” and following the sport my entire life. Of course, looks would be a major part of my picks, because hockey boys are the best looking!

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