First Trimester Blues

Photo from www.time.com

I’m unbelievably excited MJ is pregnant. But make no mistake, my exuberance is focused on the end result in September. A healthy baby boy or girl who I can dote on, smother with love and show off to the masses like the proud papa I will surely be.

However, I am not excited about this current stage of pregnancy known as the first trimester. Or as I’m calling it: HELL! If you haven’t experienced the joys of living with a pregnant woman, I’m not sure I can do it justice with my meager words. But I’ll try.

A husband’s role during this time is equivalent to getting a job as a lion tamer. Or technically in this case, a lioness tamer. Only you don’t get a stool and a whip to defend yourself, and the lioness is constantly starving and ready to tear you apart at any moment. Even though you’ve lived with the lioness for years and established a wonderful relationship, this pregnant Queen of the Jungle no longer cares. She has massive cramps as her body literally stretches and adapts in order to sustain new life, and the only thing going through the lioness’ head is “YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BASTARD!”

The lioness also experiences heightened senses during the first trimester. Namely, her sense of smell will be fine-tuned and turned up to 11. The crazy thing is it’s not even foul smells that turn her stomach or cause her discomfort. My lioness, for example, can’t stand the smell of strawberry yogurt all of a sudden. So even though I think I’m innocently enjoying some breakfast, MJ stands next to me while dramatically heaving and making a gesture like she’s about to throw up in her hand. Although I’ve done nothing wrong in simply wanting to eat my breakfast, I know I’m about to become the subject of the lioness’ wrath as she tears me apart with her fangs.

Not to mention the fact I was sick lately. I even had to stay home a day from work, which is a rarity for me. I had no voice and I couldn’t stop coughing. Instead of feeling bad for me, I was banished to the couch so I wouldn’t get MJ sick. I wasn’t allowed to even go near her, and if she had her way I would’ve been in a haz-mat suit. And even though I complied with her demands, she still got sick. Because we share a 1,100-square-foot living space. Now I’m catching hell for her cold. Excuse me for breathing.

But the first trimester is not without benefits.

Pregnant females are said to have a “glow” when they find out they are expecting. This is not just an old wives tale. Your lioness will become even more beautiful than ever. Her coat (skin if you’re not liking the lioness metaphor) will take on a gorgeous tone and any blemishes that were once there seem to clear right up. Her mane (hair) gets thicker, fuller and more luscious as well. I’ve been told there are even improvements to a woman’s fingernails.

But if you’re a red-blooded American male like myself, the most noticeable change is mammary-related.

Photo from www.weirdspot.com

Yup, that’s right. The boobs get HUGE! All of a sudden A-cups turn to Cs, B-cups become Ds and everything else bumps up to Dolly Parton levels. Basically your wife is suddenly stretching the limits of all her bras and sporting porn star cleavage on a regular basis. It’s every guy’s dream right? WRONG.

Listen guys, I love boobs. And when they become engorged and they’re sitting right in front of you—calling to you in all of their robust glory—it’s only natural for you to have certain thoughts. Wonderful appealing thoughts. Thoughts involving a motorboat.

DON’T DO IT!!!

If you touch those boobs that lioness will eat your balls. Look, I know how unfair that is to guys. All of a sudden Pam Anderson’s magnificent milk balloons have landed on your wife’s chest. They’re taunting you, calling to you, and you know they’re fleeting due to the pregnancy so it’s only fair and just that you be able to, you know, do stuff to em. I get it.

But herein lies the cruelest part of the first trimester. The look-but-don’t-you-dare-fucking-touch conundrum surrounding the inflated chesticles. To guys they are glorious funbags, but they’re incredibly sensitive and downright painful for a pregnant woman. She’s already pissed off that none of her bras fit and you won’t buy her any new ones, so if you compound that problem by putting your grubby little perverted hand anywhere near those boobs, you’re going to get hurt.

Sorry guys, but these are the rules.

The best advice I have for you is to keep your angry, crampy, emotional lioness as satisfied as possible at all costs. If she mentions a craving, pick it up on the way home. It might have changed in the two hours between the phone call and your arrival at home, but that’s OK. It shows her you were listening. Just go out and get the next thing she wants. And for God’s sake, keep your lioness fed. That is Rule #1 when dealing with a pregnant woman. Always have food on hand, never get between her and food and don’t get too close to her when she is eating, lest she thinks you’re trying to hone in on her lunch.

And don’t even think about sex. She’s so uncomfortable at this point and the only thing she knows for sure is that sex—and by that rationale, you—is the reason she feels like this in the first place. If you’re lucky things will settle down in the second trimester and you can get your fix, but in the meantime just think of yourself as a sex camel. You’re in the desert now. And you’re alone.

Stay safe out there.

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14 thoughts on “First Trimester Blues

  1. You have summed it up perfectly. We have just started the second trimester and things are easing up. Of course we know that the third is coming soon and it’s not the best either. The no touching thing is the worst for me. Just plain torture. Good luck.

  2. I was an angel in my first trimester. Actually, for my whole pregnancy. Just ask my husband. Not only was I NOT moody at all, I also didn’t get morning sickness, my libido spiked, and sex was AMAZING.

    I completely understand that this is not the norm. And I feel really sorry for you poor sots who have to deal with pregnant women who are not as chipper and awesome as me. But it was SUPER AWESOME. I loved being pregnant.

  3. Lord, I don’t miss being pregnant. I hope MJ starts feeling normal soon and you don’t have to live with the backlash of an uncomfortable, hungry, sick, creature for too long.

  4. Congratulations!I’ll be on the edge of my seat until tomorrow! Keep us all posted!

  5. Bumping up a size may be great for some people but as a natural D I was pissed!! I had to buy bras engineered by NASA and my voice dropped like 2 octaves. If I laid on my back my lungs seized, lol.

  6. I feel for you. I mean I REALLY feel for you. My wife is in the first trimester. Lion tamer? Sometimes I wish I had a whip and a chair. It’s a wonderful thing, having children, but pregnancy is always hell for me, too. Do you get pregnancy symptoms as well? This is something that has been anecdotal for decades, but they’ve finally figured out that men react to a woman’s pheromones.
    Not that it matters. You can’t complain about it much. At all. Or do anything other than wear a grin.
    Anyway, congratulations! It’s a roller coaster.

  7. First of Congrats! Second – I LOVE this post. I means seriously “If you touch those boobs that lioness will eat your balls.” I am pretty sure you got that one right on the mark! Hilarious….Your poor wife, and yes I do feel for you a little…. but her more. You are a good hubby though to take it laying down. She does not have much control and at least you recognize this! Thanks for the laugh!

  8. First, congratulations! Lots of positive thoughts being sent to you and MJ. I have to say that you hit it just about perfectly. I felt so bad for my husband during my first pregnancy, and while he wants another child, he’s not looking forward to a second pregnancy. Neither of us are looking forward to the moodiness or the approximately year-long lack of sex. At least, it took me til Gwen was about 3 months old to have any interest again. I read about women whose libidos spike during pregnancy, and I get horribly jealous, as I am one of the majority who suddenly don’t want any physical contact AT ALL.

  9. I didn’t have any of those issues. I expected them but it never happened. Believe me, I am not complaining either. Anyway, I guess I got lucky.

  10. The line “You’re in the desert now” actually had me laughing out loud. Which very rarely happens.

    Also, I’m sure you know this but I have to say it anyway: not all pregnant women are like anti-sex basket cases. I craved sex more than anything else when I was pregnant, and my mood was actually much more stable than usual. (Whether the stable mood should be attributed to the pregnancy or the extra sex is anyone’s guess, however.)

  11. i m a dude, the mrs is in her first trimester. I searched this post cos she is like baby and an angry bird now…I m scared and pissed cos i aint getting no sleep… miss her, cos she is different .I do understand though

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