Free As a Bird

I know the picture is hard to decipher, but those are two birds consummating their relationship. Or more simply, two birds humping. For what it’s worth, I think “Two Birds Humping” makes for an excellent Native American name. But more important, you’re probably wondering why I 1) Took a picture of two birds gettin it on and 2) why I posted it here.

Well I’m glad you asked.

I took this in the parking lot just before work started. I thought it was a good omen, because once I’m out of work I’ll be free as a bird tonight. MJ is donning her stripper shoes and club clothes to go out with a friend in Providence and Will is spending the night with my parents. That means I have the house all to myself tonight and half of tomorrow until they both come home.

It’s at this point where a good, caring husband and father would say something along the lines of: “Even though I have the house to myself I’ll be lonely without my wife and my little boy, for they complete my world and time without them is wasted time in which I might as well not even exist.”

F that.

I’m gonna smoke a cigarette tonight. Maybe more than one actually. And when I get home, I’m going to crack open a beer, light up a butt and enjoy a rare moment of solitude on my back deck while patting my dog and soaking up the moonlight. Then I’m going to watch TV. With the volume way up. I may even pop in one of my DVDs which I never get to watch because MJ hates all my movies and the majority of TV time is now spent on Handy Manny and Thomas the frickin Train Engine.

Then I’m going to crack open a vat of ice cream and gorge myself to my heart’s content because no one is there nagging me to stop. I’m going to leave the bottles and the empty carton of ice cream on the table, instead of immediately putting it in the trash like a good little husband. And when I do fall asleep, the TV is going to remain on and I will fall into a blissful ice cream/cigarette/beer-addled catatonic state until morning. At which point I will wake up at my leisure and spend the morning any way I see fit.

It’s just one night. That’s not enough time to really miss anyone for Pete’s sake. So instead of pretending that I’m all broken up, I’m going to be honest and enjoy myself. And yes, although some of you are cringing at my plans I assure you my agenda — as perverse and disgusting as it may seem to you — will be enjoyable. Because at my core, I am a gross pig who would happily wallow in my own filth if allowed. Hell, when I was single that was my life every day of the week. Scary huh?

So, do you see how all of that fits in with the birds? Yeah…me either. But I had a picture of two birds boinking each other and there’s no way I was going to pass up the chance to post it.

Enjoy your weekend.

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7 thoughts on “Free As a Bird

  1. First, the picture is hilarious.
    Second, I think one night is more than enough time to start missing someone.
    Third, my husband might disagree with me. Haha.

  2. What a WONDERFUL night! It is amazing how now a night alone can give you chill bumps and almost bring you to tears isn’t it. That SAME night 2 years ago would have meant next to nothing. Now it is the best day of the year!

  3. LOL!! Classic. I enjoyed a few hours this weekend when my boys father took them to the park. I was torn on whether to immediately watch porn with the volume up or to change all the locks. When I finally woke from my quiet induce coma, it was too late for either.

  4. So, how’d it go? I had the house to myself all night Sat, had big plans, but I got drunk too early and fell asleep with the dogs on the couch. Woke up with a hangover around midnight and felt like a total loser ­čśë

  5. Free time for me always means beer and TV. I want to watch sports until my head explodes. Sometimes I mix it up with a little Mel Brooks or Sci Fi. Definitely have to watch those things when the old lady is out. I can’t wait until Braden is older so he demands that we watch sports.

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