This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.
I love lists. Who doesn’t really? Seeing as it’s Friday and I’m a little burned out, I’m mailing in today’s post. Enjoy.
1) First of all, if you haven’t heard, Cape Cod Gal came up with the perfect nickname for Will so I’m officially changing it from Lunch Box to Tater. As in he’s my Tater Tot. Thank you Cape Cod Gal!
2) In the past, I have been vehemently opposed to having my son baptized and religion in general being thrust upon him. But due to recent events (and the squawking of one eternally annoying friend who knows how to push my buttons) I have reconsidered. Did I have a religious epiphany? Was I visited by Jesus or the Virgin Mary? Nope, it was much more significant than that. I saw my football team’s franchise quarterback go down with a season-ending (and possibly career-altering) injury. And then my friend Alex (aka The Bear) brought up the fact that perhaps this was a result of having an unbaptized child. But I want to be clear that I’m not doing this because I fear for my son’s soul burning in eternal fire and brimstone. I’m doing this so no more of Boston’s star athletes will succumb to injuries. Priorities people, priorities!
3) How can such a tiny little person produce so much drool? Seriously, it’s borderline disgusting. It’s like someone turned on an internal faucet inside of Will and cranked it to the max. I leave him to play on the floor for five minutes and when I pick him up it’s like he was bathing in a saliva jacuzzi.
4) I know he’s teething, but he needs to stop sticking his entire fist in his mouth to the point that he gags. Number one I’m sure it’s not good for him. And second, I don’t want any of my friends to see that because the crude jokes they’d make would be borderline unbearable. And don’t think for a second that my friends would go easy on him just because he’s a baby. My group of compadres is ruthless and we spare no one with our biting sarcasm. It would be something like “Oh wow, he fits the whole fist in there huh? That’s good practice for when he’s backstage cavorting with the cast of RENT in the future.”
5) I am addicted to MarioCart on the Nintendo Wii. To the point where I sometimes want to ignore my crying child because I’m in a close race. And to make matters worse, MJ loves playing too. And since we are very competitive people, the races get pretty intense and I’m fairly certain she’s going to beat me to death one day soon with that little Wii wheel. I tell her she’s never sexier than when she’s pissed off about losing. And that just makes her more angry.
6) Finally, here’s a short list of things you’ll never hear fathers of a 5-month-old child say:
“Hey I think the baby’s been sleeping for too long. Let’s wake him up.”
“Thanks for the offer honey but it’s been a long day and I have a little headache. Maybe tomorrow.”
“Feeding a baby solid food is easier than I thought. I think I won’t even bother with the bib this time.”
“No it’s OK, you don’t have to take the baby. I’ll continue typing, cooking, eating, walking the dogs and brushing my teeth with one hand. It’s kind of fun, like a challenge!”
“It’s fine that it’s the 9th inning with the bases loaded and the Red Sox are trailing by a run. You stay right there and continue watching Reality TV while I get the baby.”
“I’m really starting to enjoy the teething phase. His maniacal screaming almost sounds like soothing classical music if you listen to it long enough.”
Have a great weekend guys!