Friendly’s, You Delicious Whore

I had a girlfriend, years ago, who no one liked. And I mean no one.

She was incredibly self-absorbed and narcissistic, but those traits were matched only by her acerbic personality. She played nasty head games and would often just totally ignore me for large chunks of time, and would only pay me attention when I got so angry I was ready to leave. Only then would she talk to me and act like a human being. Temporarily. And if I had my friends over while she was there, it was a recipe for disaster. She didn’t give a shit about them and was downright rude at times.

She was horrible. And I knew full well she was a goddamn nightmare. So why did I keep coming back to her? Because she was smokin’ hot, and I flat out craved her.

Such is my relationship with Friendly’s Restaurant.

I think Friendly’s is a New England institution so if you’re not from here, it’s a chain restaurant with mediocre food and service of the shittiest kind. I’m talking TERRIBLE service. And it doesn’t matter which Friendly’s you hit up, you’re always guaranteed the same awful experience. Long waits, craptastic service, screwed up orders and waitresses who not only ignore you, they can barely disguise their contempt for you. But despite getting the same shoddy experience time and time again, you keep coming back. Why is that, you ask?

The ice cream! The unbelievably delicious and outta this world ice cream!

Last night my parents came down and we all had dinner at Friendly’s in Sagamore. Will was pretty fussy so we told the waitress to put in his order first so we could calm him down and get him fed. Almost half an hour later, no food! Will was screaming his friggin face off. Meanwhile another family of four walked in, sat down next to us, waited for 20 minutes without ever having a waitress come over, and then left in anger. The manager at the front of the restaurant didn’t realize they were pissed and gave them a cheerful “Bye folks, thanks for coming in tonight” as they left and stared daggers back at him.

We finally hailed a waitress — not our waitress because she was nowhere to be found — and she mercifully retrieved Will’s food. Keep in mind we’re talking mac & cheese here, it’s not like they were in the back sauteing a sea bass or something. Then our mediocre food came and we had to polish it off like Kobayashi because Will was in hysterics. With a screaming child, bad food, terrible service and no apology from our bitchy waitress, I was on the verge of torching the place and vowing never to return. But then I heard the words that keep me enticed.

“Ice cream anyone?”

And that’s when I lose all self control and go running right back into the arms of the hot chick. Sure she’s annoying as hell and I spend half my time cursing her very existence. But she’s just so. damn. hot! And not only that, she’s TERRIFIC in bed. Beauty and bedroom skills may be her only defining qualities, but let’s face it, those are two pretty damn good qualities to have.

And so it is, I’m a Friendly’s whore. Their ice cream keeps me coming back for more, despite all common sense telling me this place sucks. I am a slave to their velvety chocolate mounds. I long to stick my face between their banana split. I want to feel their Forbidden Fudge Brownie tickling the back of my throat…

Whoops. Ummmm…moving on…

My advice to you all, if you’re going to a Friendly’s you should hit it and quit it. Skip the foreplay and go right to the action. Life’s too short to subject yourself to the manipulative bitch when you can get the payoff without having to undergo the torture.

Does it make you a little slutty? Maybe. But is that necessarily a bad thing? I think not!


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8 thoughts on “Friendly’s, You Delicious Whore

  1. We have Friendly’s in MD, and all my life the service has been just as you described! In addition, the place always smells like dirty water (that they wash the tables with!!!). But I must agree, the ice cream makes it all worth it :)

  2. Geez, you know it’s probably hit or miss with most Friendlys around here… BUT, if you find a “good” one it is usually not that bad. If I’m looking for something that’s a step up from Burger King but we can still have a meal for 2 for around $25, it really can’t be beat.

    I have to cut them some slack (and play Devil’s Advocate) because, like you, all day they have to deal with demanding parents and screaming children. And just like BK, most of the staff is teens who, generally but not always, don’t care what they’re doing as long as they make money. Everyone else is making minimum wage working in the food/service industry, which by experience I can tell you SUCKS. Loooong hours on your feet, dealing with rude people who you always try to show a smile and by dinner time you want to kill your customers.

    Not having a waiter talk to you isn’t good service, but the people who were seated could have just flagged someone down after the first 5-10m they were there. If you go in expecting five star service you’re already setting yourself up for disaster. If you go in and expect your refills to come slow and your Sprite is a Coke, you’ll enjoy your night.

    But yeah, there really isn’t a better place to go get a Sundae.

  3. There aren’t many things that piss me off more than bad service at a restaurant. But your metaphor is right on. Sex and ice cream are both hard to resist.

  4. Wow. You have way more issues than I gave you credit for.

    I’ve never had that problem with the one on 132 in Hyannis but we don’t go often. Once my kids get in that general area the only thing they have eyes for is OCB.

  5. Dude, you are right she is a whore! In fact I’ve been with her many many times when I lived back there. Every time I would take her into my hands she was wearing that GD smokin hot Reese’s Pieces Sundae outfit! That slut better stay the hell out of Nor Cal.

  6. HAHAHA!! We have a Friendly’s here in Akron, Ohio and we have shitty service too. But what can you expect when the whole place is ran by kids. Being an owner of an eattery, I know what to ask and when to ask it. It usually starts when my drink has been EMPTY for 10 minutes and no hooka in sight. I take my glass and find the soda fountain and begin the refill process…. this usually gets the attention of someone then I begin to state that the hooka complaining about her 50 cent tip should lay off the ice cream herself and spend some more time on her customers rather than sucking face with her soon to be babay daddy.
    Thus then I get great service BY THE MANAGER and usually free ice cream…..

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