Go F*ck Yourself Tiger

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“I’m Tiger Woods and I want my privacy.”

That’s been the refrain on Tiger’s website, where he has offered a half-assed apology for his actions while simultaneously delivering a sharp criticism to the evil media who just won’t seem to leave poor Tiger alone. But, as you may have already surmised by my surly tone, I don’t feel bad for Tiger at all. And his pleas for privacy are falling on deaf ears, and rightly so.

My problems with Tiger in all of this are not that he cheated on his wife, made a mockery of his marriage and created a shit storm that his family now has to endure for the foreseeable future and beyond. Although all of that is true. No, my problem with Tiger is that he’s an amazing hypocrite who thinks he is above the law and the rest of us.

Consider the facts:

Tiger Woods tore ass out of his driveway at 2:25 a.m. early last Friday morning. He hits a fire hydrant and then a neighbor’s tree. His wife Elin used a golf club to bust out the back window in a supposed attempt to “rescue” Woods. Woods was found with cuts on his face, blood in his mouth and unconscious laying in the road. On Saturday Woods blew off police officers. The next day he refuses to talk to police again. By Monday he told police he would only provide them with the basic information, despite police attempts to investigate whether domestic violence was taking place. On Tuesday Woods is cited for careless driving and given a $164 fine, but the police do not file criminal charges. Soon rumors of infidelity start floating around and so far four women have been identified, complete with text messages and voicemails from Woods basically admitting an affair.

OK, forget the fact that he’s a lying, cheating asshole for a minute because I’ll address that later. What I want to focus on is how Woods was treated.

First of all, this is a public incident. Police had to respond, it was an accident with injury, and that is a public record that anyone should be able to access. It did not happen in Tiger’s home, it happened on the street. So spare me any privacy details because police officers paid for with taxpayer money are dealing with this thing.

Now, let’s say it’s just your average schmuck this happened to and not the most prolific and wealthy golfer on the planet. Do you think you or I would’ve had the option to decline police questioning? Do you think we could’ve simply said “Nah, I’m all set officers. I don’t feel like talking.” HELL NO! Someone else besides Tiger wouldn’t have had the opportunity to decline police questioning. But because he’s rich and famous, he thinks he is above the law. And he’s right.

And give me a break with the whole “my wife saved me by breaking the window and pulling me out to safety.” Have you seen Elin Woods? She is a 5’4″ beautiful, skinny, Swedish model. Are you telling me that she had the foresight to grab a golf club, smash the back window and pull a man who is 6’2″ and 185 lbs over two seats and out a window? No way in hell.

Mrs. Tiger was likely pissed at her husband for being a philandering douchebag, chased him outside after a fight in the wee hours of the morning and smashed him and his Escalade with an 4-iron, causing him to crash. And frankly, that makes Elin even hotter in my book.

And when the mistresses started coming out of the woodwork, we found out that Tiger has been sleeping around for years. Then, like clockwork, he did what all famous people eventually do when they’re caught with their pants down and have no other defense. He blamed the media.

“Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy.”

Sorry Tiger, I’m not buying your bullshit.

Celebrities like Tiger Woods are so hypocritical it makes me insane. They have no problem with the media when they’re gracing the covers of magazines, appearing in commercials and raking in endorsement money. They have no problem with the media when they allow a reporter to come inside their world and write a fluff piece after viewing a carefully crafted day in the life in which every detail was pre-planned by some public relations guy. Celebrities use the media to gain exposure, fame and fortune. And all of that’s A-OK.

But as soon as Tiger screwed up he bitched and moaned about his lack of privacy. He villified the very same media that helped lift him up to the lofty perch from which he just fell. And now, in a pathetic attempt to blame everyone except himself, he’s trying to make everyone feel bad for him by blaming the people whose sole existence is to ferret out the truth.

And that, my Tigerrific friend, is truly pathetic.

There is an unwritten and unspoken contract celebrities have with the rest of the world, and like anything else in life, it’s good and bad.

The bad parts include trashy headlines in disreputable tabloids. And celebrities have to deal with paparazzi lurking around every corner, always hounding you and interfering with your outings. There is absolutely less privacy involved in being a celebrity, and all too often your personal life will be scrutinized, publicized and aired out in the open for all to see and hear. I’m positive that at times it’s infuriating and unfair.

But guess what the good part is? BEING FILTHY FUCKING RICH!

Seriously, Tiger is living the good life. He has unlimited financial means and he can do anything. Tiger is literally hindered by nothing. He lives a life the rest of us only fantasize about. He has the unbelievable luxury of never again having to worry about money, where the next mortgage payment is coming from, whether he should use what little he has to buy groceries or pay the electric bill. He wants for NOTHING.

That, my friends, is the trade-off. And Tiger gets a pretty good deal if you ask me.

Truthfully, I’m happy to see this latest development because it means that Tiger — this walking, talking, corporate logo of a human being — is not all he’s cracked up to be. Tiger is a billionaire professional athlete who does things that no other human beings can do on the golf course. But you know what? I can do something he can’t.

I can be a faithful and devoted husband. I can be a father who doesn’t teach his children that it’s OK to hurt the ones you’re supposed to love the most. And I’m a man who takes responsibility for both the good and the bad in his life, without acting like a complete coward while trying to blame everyone but myself. My mistakes are my own, for better or worse. Tiger’s mistakes appear to be the media’s fault. Ridiculous.

The bottom line is Tiger deserves neither our pity, nor his privacy in this instance. And the best way for him to avoid the media spotlight, is not to cheat on his wife, lie to everyone and hurt his family.

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23 thoughts on “Go F*ck Yourself Tiger

  1. Have you seen the Tiger Woods Christmas Photo its a classic!

    If you didn’t I have one but can’t figure it out to upload on here I can only email it.

  2. You got to love how these jackasses cry foul about how much the public takes interest in their lives once they’ve stuck their club in the wrong hole. Unfortunately the cops couldn’t do too much to him, but I wish they wouldn’t have been so quick to close the investigation, would have been nice to see him squirm a little longer.

  3. The only people I feel bad for in situations like this are the kids. They don’t ask for any of this shit and it sucks when they get exploited as a result of their parents’ fame/idiocy. & if you don’t want to get caught being a cheating lowlife, then don’t be a cheating lowlife. Tiger Woods is an asshat.

  4. Houston, we have a problem, Shuttle Tiger Woods is returning to earth, but the landing gear has been ripped off. The pilot is saying that it’s the paparazzi’s camera flashes that did it.

  5. Well played. People who put themselves in the public spotlight and then complain about their lack of privacy just need to suck it up.

  6. Long after the media circus dies down, this is what I will remember:

    – Tiger Woods, the professional golfer’s golfer, was a cad (multiple times over), causing me to lose all respect for him as a man.

    – Tiger Woods – a professional athlete who stands over 6′ tall was popped in the mouth by 5′4″ skinny, Swedish model. I think that fact alone will haunt him even more than the ~$300M he about to lose.

  7. Charlie,

    Your last point is truly the beauty of it all. Also, did you see Jesper Parnevik’s comments? He’s the one who introduced them in the first place, and he said he owes Elin an apology and that next time, “she should use the driver.”

    Classic.

  8. well done. the only thing i would take issue with is this: i don’t think that the police would have wasted time getting additional statements from someone in a minor car wreck when it was proven that alcohol was not a factor. no DUI? i don’t care if she used a battering ram to knock out the windows, the cops would have never had the high level of interest in this case if it didn’t involve the #1 golfer in the world. other than that, i agree with most of what you’ve written.

    except, maybe, that i don’t have the same venom. it seems that i’m one of the few who doesn’t either love or hate tiger. which is odd b/c i love excellence. MJ was my fave of alltime. i usually root for dynasties and domination. and that rooting usually extends beyond the parameters that have made that person notable (e.g. the sport in question). but while i found myself rooting for tiger on the golf course, i always cringed during his interviews. he’s like this machine that was built to play golf and give sound bites that reveal nothing about what he’s really like. of the course, he’s got all the WOW of a glass of room-temperature water. he always seemed soul-less to me. i guess now we know why. sorry to get off on a tangent. i’ll stop now.

    PS — elin is starring in a new movie that will detail exactly what happened in their house b4 he tore away. it’s called Crouching Tiger. Hit ‘em. Drag ‘em. (horrendous, i realize) jco

  9. @john: In the interest of full disclosure, I got worked up about the police aspect because I’m a newspaper reporter and I know full well that if Elin had been driving and there was any indication that Tiger had beaten her or smashed the windows out with a golf club, the police absolutely would’ve investigated further. Besides, I hate it when the “beautiful people” get special treatment by law enforcement. Justice is supposed to be blind, not greedy and discriminatory.

    And I admit, I always root against Tiger. Mainly for the reasons you listed. He’s got no personality and he’s not interesting. Until now!

  10. The funny thing is that I immediately called the wife chasing him with a golf club part as soon as the story broke, but I didn’t think it was a fight over him being a serial cheater. I never would have guessed that Tiger, the uptight control freak with zero personality would be sexing it up all over the world with several women. It’s still hard to believe that that robot who has kept everything about his scripted life so private could be so incredibly stupid.

    I love it when these guys who think they’re so untouchable get taken down because they can’t keep it in their pants. You’d think these tools would have learned by now that when you have huge amounts of money and fame that these lovely ladies are looking to get paid and/or get on TV, and the second you piss them off (which, duh, we’re talking about women here), they’re going to the media for their 15 minutes of fame and a whole lotta revenge. Then, there’s the trusted “assistants” and bodyguards keeping notes on everything, just waiting for their big payoff.

    It sounds like he’s been doing this all along, so why have kids and have them grow up and find out just what a piece of shit daddy is? And Elin? I’ve got a girl crush on her now that she took a golf club to their house and his head. Gorgeous and badass! I’m in love…

  11. There are two sides to every story. I am not defending Tiger, just saying that we haven’t any idea what happens in any marriage we’re not a part of. So many more important issues to cover. I am ready to let Tiger deal with his life so that we can focus on things us regular Joes worry about, like healthcare.

  12. Health care? Oh c’mon, that obviously pales in comparison to Tiger-gate!

    But seriously, I agree with you to an extent. But this issue happened in public, not behind closed doors. All I want is for Tiger to be treated just like the rest of us where the law is concerned. I’m more concerned with that than what happens in his marriage.

  13. You are absolutely right about the social contract with celebrities. They are all aware that their lives are totally public. They get no privacy. Many of them even rellish this fact, of course until they get into trouble. If you don’t want negative press don’t do bad things. It seems simple to me.

  14. What about glass houses? Tiger cheated on his wife and subsequently disgraced himself and his family. I’ve never done that. I’ve done other things I’m not at all proud of, but not that.

    And by the way, now we’ve found out Tiger was likely on prescription drugs while driving. That’s OUI. Yet no investigation. Pathetic.

  15. Daddyfiles

    The point I was making was that we all have our skeletons. Just because yours dont look like Tiger’s doesnt mean its ok to trash him to the degree you do. I wonder if you would want your son to make character assasinations such as yours? I actually think tiger is a pretty tragic figure, because it is pretty obvious he is lacking in some social and relational skills. He may have lots of money, but that doesnt mean his life is set anymore than yours or mine. Granted he may have made a trade, fame and fortune for no privacy, but I wonder if he knew what he was in for. He certainly hasnt had a “normal” upbringing by any stretch of the imagination. My wife read a study that showed 87% of men if given a chance to have sex with another woman without getting caught, they would do it. Reminds me of this saying.

    “If you truly want to test a man’s character, give him power”

    Im not 100% sure I would pass. Are you?

  16. First of all, I’m definitely 100% sure I would pass. I’m never going to cheat on my wife. I’ve cheated on every other woman I’ve ever dated. I got all of that out of my system and I wouldn’t have gotten married if I thought otherwise. And yes, there have been temptations. But I would never go through with it.

    Second, they aren’t “character assassinations” if they’re true. In this case, these are the facts. He cheated on his wife. Repeatedly. He shamed his family. He’s (kind of) admitted to these things. These aren’t opinions, they are cold hard facts. So by definition, it can’t be character assassination.

    Tiger is not a tragic figure at all. He is rich and famous. And make no mistake, he and his father have always wanted that. That’s why he was on Merv Griffin at 3 years old. It’s why he does what he does. He wanted it all and he’s been famous for years. He knew EXACTLY what he was getting into. Yet he sold us all a bill of goods that he was Capt. Upstanding Citizen. That is a carefully crafted image that he spent millions lying about. And now it’s time to pay the piper. That’s why I don’t understand how anyone could feel bad for Tiger. Feel bad for the kids and his wife, but not Tiger.

  17. Ok Daddy

    I feel sorry for his family, but are you that bent out of shape about tigers fame that you can equate a 3yr old with “knowing” what he wanted all along. Did you ever stop to think that maybe this behaviour is a result of other pressures. Like maybe a father who was so “absolute” about what his child should do. Make no mistake, I totally agree he is responsible now as an adult, but to think a child makes these kinds of decisions is ludicrous. Im glad youre 100% sure, Im just curious what world you live in, because the one I live in doesnt come with such certainty. Good for you that you got your whoring ways out of you. ;)

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