“Life has been cloudy and gray. Let’s take the bad memories and put them away. The sun has come out oh we’ve waited so long. All of the hard days are gone.”
Alexandra Christine Gouveia.
MJ and I don’t know for sure if we were having a boy or a girl. It was still kind of early to tell, not to mention the legs were fused together which made it hard to determine the sex. But we both agreed we were having a girl this time around. After all, I figure only a girl could be this much trouble!
We liked the idea of a boy’s name for a girl. We would’ve called you Alex for short. And as an added bonus you would’ve been named after one of our best friends, Alex (aka TheBear on these forums). Your initials, ACG, would’ve been the same as mine. And I have no doubt you would’ve been smarter than me and more beautiful than your mother.
A few people have asked why we don’t just save the name if we like it so much, and use it if we have another daughter in the future. But that sentiment right there epitomizes all my fears.
My biggest worry through all of this is that no one will remember Alex.
After all, she wasn’t born. She has no birth certificate. There was no funeral. Although MJ and I will always remember her, the rest of the world will surely forget. And to me, there isn’t much worse in the world than irrelevance. People tried to comfort us by saying there had to be a silver lining, or that somehow some good would come of this. But those words carried no weight in my mind. How could they? My baby and our dreams were dying right in front of our eyes. How do you possibly find any good in that?
Well, I found the answer.
The response I received after posting my encounter with the protesters was nothing short of overwhelming. It was viewed by thousands of people all over the world. It was on the front page of Twitter. And of those thousands, hundreds left comments and sent e-mails that made me laugh, made me cry and just plain moved me.
I did not have a master plan when I decided to turn my camera phone on and give them a piece of my mind. I just knew they had hurt my wife, and I will confront anyone who injures her in any way. I had no intentions of making a political statement or becoming a lightning rod in an already contentious and deeply personal issue. I simply knew I wanted to show their hypocrisy and hopefully show other people the hurt protesters indiscriminately spew at women who all have different backgrounds and different stories.
I had no idea the kind of chord it would strike with people around the world.
Shortly after I posted it, the e-mails and comments started trickling in. And then the flood gates opened. I was bombarded with notes of thanks and atta-boys. And I was appreciative of that. But then the testimonials came in and those changed my life forever.
Some of you shared deeply personal stories with me. Some of you were in the same position as we were, with a fetal abnormality deemed terminal. And like us, your problems were unnecessarily and cruelly compounded by these people who say they’re “only trying to help.” And then there were those of you who made me openly weep, telling me stories of how you were impregnated after a rape. After suffering the indescribable atrocity of being sexually violated like that, the thought of hostile zealots shouting at you all because you didn’t want to carry a rapist’s baby made me sick to my stomach. I can’t even imagine. One by one, on and on the e-mails kept coming. And I read each and every one of them, committing them to memory and keeping them close to my heart.
And that’s when I realized Alexandra’s brief life absolutely meant something. Something very important actually.
Alex may never have seen the light of day, but it’s because of her I was able to shine a light on the bullying and fear-mongering being performed on “God’s behalf.” And limited although my resources may be, I was able to share our story with thousands of others. Even people who consider themselves pro-life, who e-mailed me and told me our saga had changed the way they look at the issue. Sure we still don’t agree on the issue, but that’s OK. I’m not looking for everyone to have the same viewpoint here. What I am seeking is respect. Basic human decency. Something those pro-life (an misleading characterization if ever there was one) protesters are severely lacking.
And I can say without hesitation that our 16-week-old Alex changed a handful of opinions.
She also did something equally important. Little Alex made me a better man, father and husband. Life is never more precious than when you lose it. As pained as I was by losing Alex, she made me love my wife and son even more. When those people cut down my wife at her weakest point I felt the very core of my male DNA power up to prehistoric levels. I went into Protector Mode. At that point the only difference between me and my caveman descendants was my cell phone camera. Not that I didn’t love my wife before, but this reminded me just how much I love her. How strong and beautiful and wonderful she is. And it also renewed my appreciation for Will, who is happy and healthy. I will never take that for granted ever again.
So we will think of another name if we have a daughter in the future, because we already had a daughter named Alex. And while we never got to meet her, we will love and remember her forever. And hopefully so will some of you.
Facebook
Twitter
LinkedIn
StumbleUpon
Youtube
Beautiful thoughts.. Alex will not be forgotten.
I am sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. ((((Hugs)))) to your family, and thank you for sharing Alex with us.
I read about your story on the BBC Dec 2010 birth club, I am in it too. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your family. I have had losses too and to go through what you and your wife are going through sounds unbearable. I am keeping up with your blog now because I have a 22 month old son and I think you are a great writer.
PS—I love her middle name
(It has nothing to do with my *real* name being Christeen either)
I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you stood up to those bullies who belittle people when they feel the smallest that they will probably ever feel. They have pro-life “rallies” where they stand by the busiest streets with signs and their kids… when their kids get bored/hot/tired/etc they seem to get mad because that means they have to stop protesting. Maybe they should take care of their own kids and stop worrying about someone else’s decision? Maybe they should go feed and clothe all of the kids in orphanages. Maybe they should care for the kids that are beaten up daily because their parents didn’t want them. Maybe they should be thankful that women are going to the clinic instead of more dumpster babies. Maybe they should educate themselves in fetal development and realize that it doesn’t always work out how they think it should… Alexandra is a beautiful little girl and was wise enough to teach you these things. My older sister is named Alexandra and goes by Xander (my family also liked the male name for a girl!)
Thank you for acting and thank you for writing.
I just read this; not sure how I missed it before. Beautiful post. Alex contributed to your lives and to the world in such a strong courageous fashion.
This was amazing, heartwarming and so encouraging after all the negative press and spin around reproductive rights these days. Thank you.
I have worked as a counselor at an abortion clinic for over 3 years. I have never been in a place filled with more love and respect. I hope you were both treated with love and dignity. I was very moved by the video of you talking to the protesters. I wish more people would protest the protesters. Maybe they would get the hint. Thank you.
This is a profoundly touching story, and I’m grateful for your sharing it with us. I hope you family remains strong and healthy. Little Alex would have been very lucky to have deeply loving and devoted parents. It takes courage to stand up to injustices, and you proved that. I’m envious of you for having the maturity to exhibit such restraint, yet still voice your disapproval and pain. Many would have had to be bailed out of jail on such occasion. I hope all is well with your family and the healing process.
Hi Aaron, found this post through another dad blog and just wanted to say I was deeply moved by the tribute as well as the Abort Protestors post. I recently had a friend who lost their daughter after she was born a few months early and irrelevance was one of their fears as well. Turns out she and Alex continue to live on and touch lives.
Amazing. Simply amazing. The things that unborn child accomplished in her lifetime are more than a lot people will ever be able to claim. How proud you must be! You deserve a standing ovation for the manner in which you stood up for your wife. You can rest assured I will NEVER forget Alex!! I have nothing but well wishes for you and your family.
On Ravelry.com I founded and moderate a group called “Healing After Pregnancy Loss,” which supports members who are grieving after miscarriages, stillbirths, terminations, and neonatal death. The group is very active and has been for two years, but not once has a father joined. I suspect that’s because Ravelry itself is a social networking site for knitters and crocheters.
My heart goes out to you and your family. My husband and I are fortunate to have two sons, one born in 2003 and the other in 2008. But we will never forget Tara Marie, the little girl we lost on November 3, 2006. My deepest sympathies.
I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss and the horrible decision that no parent should ever make.
I will never forget the Friday before Mother’s Day, two years ago, and being told that I lost our baby girl. Lots and lots of hugs to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing Alex and the impact she has made on your life and so many others now.
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your little princess.
I lost a baby at 13 weeks, to miscarriage. He has a name, too, and it our favourite boy’s name. I wondered about “saving” it too – but I gave it to him anyways for exactly the same reason you describe: because he WAS, because he was my son, and because I will never forget him even if the world does.
His name was Liam Stephen.
I wish you love and healing through this difficult journey.
your post was featured on a pregnancy loss group i belong to. i’ve always wanted to hear a father’s point of view on pregnancy loss. now i know what my husband was feeling when i miscarried our two babies.
when we got pregnant 2 years ago, we chose the name “annelise” for a girl. that name means “graced with God’s blessings”. i lost “ani” early in pregnancy, but it hurt just the same, and it hurt to see my husband grieve our baby’s loss. when we got pregnant last year, i just couldn’t use ani’s name. that’s her name. we were blessed with twins. we truly were graced with God’s blessings for out 2 tiny miracles.
i pray for peace for you and your wife as you heal from your loss.
*HUGS* Beautifully written.
This must be a hard decision for you to make.
A child’s death is one of the greatest losses of all.
My daughter was born with congenital heart disease. At five weeks old, she died during open heart surgery. Had I known before she was born that she had a birth defect I would have still given birth to her. Even though her time on earth was short she touched my life. I’ll never forget her as my daughter.
Rose: That’s awful. I’m so sorry.
I agree with you that if our Alex had even the slightest chance at life via some kind of surgery, we would’ve gone through with it. But there was zero chance in our case and so we did what we had to do.
You and your daughter are in my thoughts.
You are in my thoughts as well as you go through your grief.
Aaron the moment that I met you, and learned that you loved to write, and also the fact that I with my big brother went through the very same process albeit we did get to see Baby Shane see the light of day for a little over a month I knew how great of a man you are. I’m sorry for your loss, and baby Alex and Baby Shane will always be with us. As well if you want to my big brother has a blog sevenroom.blogspot.com. That is secondary though you are the most wonderful dad, and a wonderful guy.
Words are never enough it seems in times like these. Your amazing strength and love for your family is beyond admiral. God bless Alex always and may she always warm your heart. You are salt of the earth in my book. Be well. @cferder
First, I’m very sorry for your loss.
Second, thank you for your strength. From the bottom of my heart, I can’t express how thankful I am to you for speaking so candidly about your ordeal. I spend one Saturday a month volunteering as a ‘Clinic Escort’, where my ‘job’ is simply to walk women and their support persons (sister, husband, brother, grandpa) from their car to the clinic doors. Depending on the patients mental state of mind, the walk can consist of some shared laughter and small talk about the absurdity of the protesters; or it can be a rough 45 seconds of me speaking calmy and loudly to cover up the hateful screaming while holding an umbrella in front of the patients face to shield her from the protesters video camera as she sobs uncontrollably.
It is absolutely, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s only four hours a month, 8am-12pm, but it shakes me to the very core. People often stare blankly at me when I mention what I do, not understanding the environment that still exists at our clinics and is actually still getting worse to this day. This is another personal account that I can add to my list of resources for the rare times when the subject comes up and the person I’m speaking to really WANTS to understand.
I wish that I could take your pain away, I wish that this had *never* happened to you or your wife, god how I wish that. But I will use it knowing that it will open some hearts. Thank you.
I am so sorry for your family’s loss. Thank you so, SO, much for sharing the story of your baby girl Alex with the world. She won’t be forgotten – she has two loving parents and a big brother to keep her story alive and make sure the world knows that she existed and was loved.
My best to you all,
Amy
The first post of yours that I never read – and it was one upon which I VERY inadvertently stumbled, during a Google search – was entitled “Her Shit Don’t Stink.” And, I have to admit that I was…underwhelmed. I mean, I’m just not someone who really sees any humor in fart jokes or stories; I DESPISE the word, and just don’t think that it’s a topic that warrants conversation. Ditto bathroom humor of all stripes. I also thought, “Wow. Did I read correctly? This guy is a COLUMNIST?” Well, here’s my mea culpa, because I then stumbled upon this button. Not only is this very poignant, it’s also incredibly intriguing because of the events alluded to in the post. I’m still only scratching the surface of your blog, but I’ve really enjoyed much of what I’ve read – the fart post notwithstanding! And, despite the fact that I’m extremely new to your blog and that you don’t know me from Adam, I still feel compelled to apologize for that snap judgment. If you are even a tiny bit interested, please check out my above-mentioned blog. Now, I am A TERRIBLE poster – very, VERY sporadic. However, I began the blog with an eye toward possibly writing a memoir. But then, I began to “look around” the internet, so to speak (obviously, I’m not someone with a huge interest in web-based activities. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read about some stuff – for instance, I’m nothing short of FASCINATED by evangelicals/fundamentalists and their web postings – and there’s A LOT OF IT out there), and became…intimidated. I just don’t feel like I have the stuff to compete, blog-wise, although I do feel as though I’ve got quite a story to tell – but don’t we all? And, the market seems supersaturated with memoirs of all kinds. At any rate and to (finally!) sum it up: Thank you, I’m sorry, and…check me out. I’m really trying to re-commit to my blog, and I do think that I’ve got some interesting stories to share – for instance, I’ve had six miscarriages and a couple of abortions (abusive rapist of a boyfriend), and…well, perhaps you’ll be intrigued enough to pop on over. I hope that, with each passing day, you and yours are recovering from what I know is a horrific loss.
Crap, that first sentence should be, “The first post of yours that I EVER read…” not “…that I NEVER read…” Sorry ’bout that.
Deborah: No need to apologize. I’m sure different subjects I tackle turn certain people off, it’s inevitable. But thank you for giving me a second chance and for letting me know about it. I really appreciate it.
I checked out a little bit of your blog and I can’t wait to dig in deeper. It certainly does seem you have a compelling story to tell, and I can’t wait to read it.
Thanks again!
Our baby died at 32 weeks due to severe complications that we had known about since about 17 weeks, but we chose not to terminate, and if it continued on it’s own decided to seek whatever medical care could be possible for our baby. However, our baby boy didn’t make it and I was induced. Giving birth to a stillborn baby is a nightmare, but we were able to have some peace from holding our boy and meeting him, and then burying him.
I am not saying this to judge your decision to terminate. I am only wondering why you chose not to deliver. You mentioned in the video you didn’t want your wife to deliver a stillborn baby, but perhaps it could be more therapeutic than the termination option where you don’t get to meet the baby, which you express regret over in this post.
Either choice is a very very hard scenario, but in not terminating early, parents are able to actually meet their angels and hold them, and then say goodbye properly, and could even have photos taken. Were you made aware of any options like this or did you think termination was your only option?
I know your grief is fresh, and from your post it is hard on you that you didn’t get to meet her, etc. that is why I am mentioning this. But at the same time, I want you to know that it’s NOT b/c I am trying to rub in those feelings of loss at not being able to meet her etc. I just wanted to know if you had known about the possibility, and decided against it.
I am glad she is remembered in your hearts, and I am very sorry for the pregnancy complication that caused you such anguish, and took your little girl. We also named our little boy, James Alexander H., and I am glad you named your little girl. Because they are their own person, and are incredibly special to their parents, and they will never be forgotten. Re-using the name seems like taking away that status. Like replacing them, which we know is not possible.
The pain does get less raw, but sadly your ache for baby Alex will never completely go away. We will pray for you and your wife, if you accept. This is a very hard time emotionally. You two seem to be strong together, and that is a very positive thing in your favor for eventual recovery. You also have a healthy beautiful son to be thankful for, and carry on for, not just each other.
LH: No offense taken, it’s a fair question.
The answer is yes, we weighed all of our options. The upside of living near Boston is having excellent medical care available. But our baby was nearly dead at 16 weeks. There was no hope. And when my wife and I talked about it, we decided delivering a stillborn baby was by far the more traumatic choice for us personally.
My heart breaks for you and little James. I think what you went through is 100 times more difficult than my situation. I don’t fault or judge your decision one bit, and I’m glad you took some solace in meeting your boy. But for us, the cons definitely outweighed the pros.
I’ll keep you and James in my thoughts.
We lost our daughter Natalia three weeks ago and I cant still express my feelings, not because I dont want to, but because I dont know how to. I hear you there when people are tring “to help”. It happened to us the same week our daughter past away, my sister-in-law came from New York came to show sympathy and I wish she would never showed up. We needed time to grieve and more than time we needed silence and peace at our home, of course none was possible with her, a 10 year old girl and a loud clown husband.
We will never know the real reason why we lost her, she was only 20 gestational weeks, she was with us for a small period of time but she will be the eternity in our hearts. We’ll always love and miss her. And yes, for the rest of the world she might been one more baby, for us she was everything. After several years trying to become pregnant, our dreams vanished on October 12. Of all the family, friends and people who cares and loved us, there was one who really touched my heart, she said: Maria, all that Natalia knew in your womb was love. And yes she is so right, since day one she was loved and until the day I die all she will receive from us is LOVE.
Natalia we love you baby and you will always be our first daughter.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost a baby on December 11 ’08. Our third, a little girl we named Abigail. I was 38 weeks and 4 days along and it was sudden. It will be hard for a while, especially when everyone else moves on and seems to forget, and you do neither. But it will get better. There will come a time when you remember your baby and instead of feeling just pain and grief, you’ll smile. I can smile now when I think of my Abby. It just takes time.
I have heard of the video you filmed, but haven’t watched it…after reading this, I want to see it. I am pro-life, I’m also a Christian, but I don’t agree at all with protesting at clinics. I don’t think people should do it, ever. I think it causes more harm than good. It hurts people and it’s a terrible way to try and change minds. It WON’T change minds. I think the best way to make a difference and try to talk to people about your views is by helping people and supporting them rather than condemning them when you have no idea what brought them to that clinic in the first place. So a big part of me really wants to apologize for what you and your wife went through that day. That same part of me is sometimes ashamed of some of my fellow pro-lifers and the crap they put people through. It shouldn’t be that way, especially if the pro-life individual also claims to be a Christian. We’re supposed to emulate Jesus, and you know, I just can’t see him screaming in someone’s face and waving signs at them. That’s not how He did it.