Goodbye Princess. And Thank You.

Life has been cloudy and gray. Let’s take the bad memories and put them away. The sun has come out oh we’ve waited so long. All of the hard days are gone.”


Alexandra Christine Gouveia.

MJ and I don’t know for sure if we were having a boy or a girl. It was still kind of early to tell, not to mention the legs were fused together which made it hard to determine the sex. But we both agreed we were having a girl this time around. After all, I figure only a girl could be this much trouble!

We liked the idea of a boy’s name for a girl. We would’ve called you Alex for short. And as an added bonus you would’ve been named after one of our best friends, Alex (aka TheBear on these forums). Your initials, ACG, would’ve been the same as mine. And I have no doubt you would’ve been smarter than me and more beautiful than your mother.

A few people have asked why we don’t just save the name if we like it so much, and use it if we have another daughter in the future. But that sentiment right there epitomizes all my fears.

My biggest worry through all of this is that no one will remember Alex.

After all, she wasn’t born. She has no birth certificate. There was no funeral. Although MJ and I will always remember her, the rest of the world will surely forget. And to me, there isn’t much worse in the world than irrelevance. People tried to comfort us by saying there had to be a silver lining, or that somehow some good would come of this. But those words carried no weight in my mind. How could they? My baby and our dreams were dying right in front of our eyes. How do you possibly find any good in that?

Well, I found the answer.

The response I received after posting my encounter with the protesters was nothing short of overwhelming. It was viewed by thousands of people all over the world. It was on the front page of Twitter. And of those thousands, hundreds left comments and sent e-mails that made me laugh, made me cry and just plain moved me.

I did not have a master plan when I decided to turn my camera phone on and give them a piece of my mind. I just knew they had hurt my wife, and I will confront anyone who injures her in any way. I had no intentions of making a political statement or becoming a lightning rod in an already contentious and deeply personal issue. I simply knew I wanted to show their hypocrisy and hopefully show other people the hurt protesters indiscriminately spew at women who all have different backgrounds and different stories.

I had no idea the kind of chord it would strike with people around the world.

Shortly after I posted it, the e-mails and comments started trickling in. And then the flood gates opened. I was bombarded with notes of thanks and atta-boys. And I was appreciative of that. But then the testimonials came in and those changed my life forever.

Some of you shared deeply personal stories with me. Some of you were in the same position as we were, with a fetal abnormality deemed terminal. And like us, your problems were unnecessarily and cruelly compounded by these people who say they’re “only trying to help.” And then there were those of you who made me openly weep, telling me stories of how you were impregnated after a rape. After suffering the indescribable atrocity of being sexually violated like that, the thought of hostile zealots shouting at you all because you didn’t want to carry a rapist’s baby made me sick to my stomach. I can’t even imagine. One by one, on and on the e-mails kept coming. And I read each and every one of them, committing them to memory and keeping them close to my heart.

And that’s when I realized Alexandra’s brief life absolutely meant something. Something very important actually.

Alex may never have seen the light of day, but it’s because of her I was able to shine a light on the bullying and fear-mongering being performed on “God’s behalf.” And limited although my resources may be, I was able to share our story with thousands of others. Even people who consider themselves pro-life, who e-mailed me and told me our saga had changed the way they look at the issue. Sure we still don’t agree on the issue, but that’s OK. I’m not looking for everyone to have the same viewpoint here. What I am seeking is respect. Basic human decency. Something those pro-life (an misleading characterization if ever there was one) protesters are severely lacking.

And I can say without hesitation that our 16-week-old Alex changed a handful of opinions.

She also did something equally important. Little Alex made me a better man, father and husband. Life is never more precious than when you lose it. As pained as I was by losing Alex, she made me love my wife and son even more. When those people cut down my wife at her weakest point I felt the very core of my male DNA power up to prehistoric levels. I went into Protector Mode. At that point the only difference between me and my caveman descendants was my cell phone camera. Not that I didn’t love my wife before, but this reminded me just how much I love her. How strong and beautiful and wonderful she is. And it also renewed my appreciation for Will, who is happy and healthy. I will never take that for granted ever again.

So we will think of another name if we have a daughter in the future, because we already had a daughter named Alex. And while we never got to meet her, we will love and remember her forever. And hopefully so will some of you.

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81 thoughts on “Goodbye Princess. And Thank You.

  1. Aaron,

    You and I throw a lot of shit back and forth, but you are a great friend and I love you for that. I can’t even imagine what you two are going through and I would never wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.

    My (Lakers) hat is off to you my friend. Stay strong and know you have a ton of support behind you including Jamie and I along with my friend Leeann and her man The Wednesday Guy!

  2. Powerful stuff man. Again, I commend you and MJ for your love and strength. Many of us, some you don’t even know, and may never meet, will remember Alex, her story, your story, MJ’s story, and will carry that with us for a lifetime. You have shown us all what true love and perseverance is and that life is indeed precious. We love ya;ll and will continue to pray and support you.

  3. JR & DaddyYo: You guys have been really great throughout this whole thing. Thank you from the bottom of my (Celtics) heart. There aren’t any words to describe how much it means to me.

  4. We had some dear friends, who since moved out of our area, who, like you, had to make the most difficult decision, and as our hearts went out to them, so does my heart go out to you. May you both know peace, and may the joy of what your future holds arrive with wonderful surprises. Namaste’

  5. Your Mom and I are glad to know our granddaughter’s name. As far as we are concerned, our next one will be our third. We love Alex and cried for her, as well as for you. It might be hard to understand how we can never forget someone we never knew, but we will never forget her.

  6. I will probably never meet you and your family but I will not forget what you went through or how your daughter’s story touched so many people.

  7. Aaron, that was big-time beautiful.
    Though nothing can compare with the loss of a child, my family, as you well know, is going through an arduous stretch. In a recent post I came to a conclusion, one that your post seems to reaffirm.
    There is much magic in the melancholy, much beauty in the fight.
    I, too, will always remember Alex. And the magical beauty she inspired. you were the agent. And you did good.
    Thoughts and prayers, friend. Thoughts and prayers.

  8. Thank you for sharing your story with us. For allowing us to share in your situation in our own small way and allowing space for the beauty to shine through this darkness. As a christian I am so sorry for what people who share my faith do in the name of God. They are mislead and do not understand what it means to love and be loved. I am proud of you and MJ and the way you have fought for your wife in this and I hope this pain you feel dissipates but the memory of your princess Alex never does.

  9. Came across your blog from Thingmababy. Thank you so much for sharing your story so honestly – that takes true courage. As a Christian, I want to apologise on behalf of those who speak without thinking or even knowing the full story. The God I know and love is a God of grace and love whose heart breaks for those who hurt. I don’t agree with abortion in general, but even I can see that the decision you made was a heart-breaking one, more difficult than anything I could comprehend. You did the right thing – and with great courage in horrific circumstances. Thanks again for sharing your story with us, and for challenging the protesters who don’t know what harm they do, or the tragedies that are unfolding inside the buildings they picket. Praying for healing and peace for you and your family. I will remember Alex, and the love you guys had for her.

  10. I will remember Alex. Not for the controversy, for the tears, or the pain, But as your second child, your daughter, your baby. Nobody who has heard her story could ever forget her. Every person leaves an imprint, even the tiniest feet leave footprints on a heart.

  11. This is a beautiful tribute to your daughter and my thoughts are with you and your family. As a pro-choice mom of two, I was horrified at the abuse hurled at you and your wife on what was certainly the saddest day of her life. I’m glad that a little bit of good came of your ordeal.

  12. No worries Aaron. I will never hear that sone without thinking of little Alex, and the difference she made in mine and Rick’s lives.

  13. Very heartfelt, and very poignant. I just watched the video you posted a few days ago about those two protesters… unbelievable. You handled yourself very well, all things considered.

    Stay strong, man, and give MJ and Will a hug from my wife and I.

  14. I believe a lot more people will remember Alex than you think. In sixteen weeks, she had an amazing effect on a lot of people. I think she touched the hearts of many. I know you and your family will remember her and keep her alive within your family. I’m so sorry that you and MJ had to go through this and my heart goes out to you, but you handled it so very well.

  15. The gift of life, whether lived in this world or the next is eternal, for Alex too. The Creator of life is a loving merciful God, even when it doesn’t seem that way. Of these things I am absolutely positive.

    People say and do ugly things in the name of God without His permission. It’s a common mistake to measure Him by by humans. For those people who have said hurtful things in His name or otherwise, I apologize.

  16. Amazingly moving post.

    What a wonderful observation – that your Alex HAS made you a better husband, a better father, and a better man! What a legacy!!

    Over 16 years ago now, we ran into a string of three consecutive miscarriages. Not as far along as Alex, but we had bonded none-the-less…

    Sixteen years later, we still think of those children…

    Hang in there…

  17. She’s beautiful. And she most certainly will not be forgotten. Love to your family.

  18. Aaron,
    I am so sorry you are going through this. This post was an amazing tribute to your unborn daughter, as well as your wife, and son. God works in mysterious ways. I believe that you are opening up many peoples’ eyes about this touchy topic! Thank you!
    I stand behind you and MJ 100% and the Wednesday Guy does too!
    Leeann

  19. Thank you for saying to those people the thoughts I have thought every day as I drive by my “protesters of the right to life” on my drive home each day. (I drive by a hospital on my way home from work each day)

    Sometimes I just feel like yelling out “Want a life? Then get one!”

    My deepest sympathy for your loss. I am sure your child will be greatly missed.

  20. I am so sorry Alex can’t be in your arms. It’s fucking unfair and it’s not something to just “get over” – even if there’s people wanting us to believe that. What makes my blood boil to no ends is what you had to endure at the clinic. That’s the most cruel thing to do and I had no idea what people in your neck of the woods have to go through. I am sorry for all the Pro-Lifers (puke) that didn’t mind their own business.

    My son was stillborn and there won’t ever be a day where he is not in my thoughts. I will light his candle tonight for your little Princess. I will remember her and so will many other people. Thanks for sharing her story with us. All the best wishes to you and your family.

  21. I cannot begin to fathom the roller coaster you have been on. Your family will be in our prayers. Thank you for sharing and having the courage and strength to do what was right.

  22. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my angels, some of whom are almost 9 years old. Remembering her keeps her a part of your family, always.

  23. You guys kick ass. What you’ve been through, how you’ve handled it, sharing such an incredibly painful experience, giving the protesters “what for” and impacting so many lives along the way.

  24. I missed this originally and I still don’t know how.

    I’m the kind of guy that never gets worked up about anything incase something happens to stop it. If I know there’s going to be a party next month I’ll forget about it until I’m there just in case it gets cancelled. Each time my wife fell pregnant I struggled to keep that lid on my feeling and emotions. I don’t think a single pregnancy has went by without out something going wrong or something just not being quite right. From doctors not being able to find a heartbeat and rushing my wife to the hospital to my wife waking up to find herself bleeding hit me over the head every time to remind me that something special was going on in there. Even if I tried to block it out until the day they were born I knew they were in there and it’s something you’ll never forget.

    I know the fear of losing a baby. During the London bombings on 7/7 we were in an early pregnancy centre hoping that the cramps and bleeding for the previous 36 hours didn’t mean we had lost him. We didn’t but the fear was there. I can only imagine the decision you guys made but from this side of things I can empathise with your fears and your sadness but most of all with the joy and love that came out of it..

  25. I read all of the posts about Alex this morning, and I was holding it together until I read that comment above from theoldguy. Some people say the lost babies are the holiest of souls, who only need to be loved once more before they reach nirvana. Lucky Alex to be so well loved.

    And thanks for getting medieval on those protestors. You were awesome.

  26. Beautiful stuff man. You and MJ have been amazing through this. Alex, Will, and any other children you have will certainly be lucky to know the depths of your love. Thoughts and prayers.

  27. I don’t try to understand things that don’t make sense or offer useless platitudes, but I hope that out of this something good comes. And it seems to me that maybe the strengthening of the bond between you and MJ and the addition joy in Will there is something special.

    You carried one hell of a load and you did it with class.

  28. yes. i will remember alex… and know how proud she is of her daddy who took action on behalf of her and her mom… and ultimately, a helluva lot of others.

    xoxo to you and yours.

  29. Your story has brought me tears with each heart wrenching entry. I will always remember Alex, your beautiful angel.

  30. So sorry for the lost of your little girl. I’m sending positive thoughts your way. Stay strong, and let the spirit of little Miss Alex shine on through each of you. He spirit is already shining. I can feel it out here on the West Coast! :o)

  31. I’m very sorry for your loss of Alex. I know EXACTLY what you…or MJ is going through. We had to terminate a baby at 22weeks because he was not growing a cerebellum due to hydrocephalus. It was the hardest experience I’ve ever been through…and I’ve been to hell and back in my lifetime.

    To this day I say “my children” even though I only have a daughter Annika. I will always feel that I have two children my daughter and son who never “came to be”. We decided not to name him. We did have to do an autopsy and afterwards his remains were cremated and he spent well over a year on my kitchen counter in a little white box. I wanted him close by, where he would have been had he been healthy and carried to full term.

    You and MJ will never forget Alex. I can also tell you that Alex’s purpose on this earth has been fulfilled. Whether it was in the way you educated the protestors or another revelation you will find in a few months, I know Alex had a mission during her time here and it was carried out. I don’t know that anyone else will remember Alex….just saying that bc of how people react to my mentioning of my son. Quite frankly, I don’t care. His meaning and impact were felt by our family and that’s what matters to me. I felt the same way you did when I went through this back in February 2009. I didnt want my son forgotten. But after a while you start to just feel his presence within your family all the time….like he’s watching over you all.

    I wish I could tell you something that makes this pain go away. It just doesnt. And I wish I could tell you that everything will feel ok soon. What I can tell you is that there is an underlying…or possibly very present fear that goes along with future pregnancies. I just had two miscarriages, early miscarriages, so less traumatic. I realized as soon as I knew I was pregnant I brace myself for the worst case scenario. (And the worst case scenario isn’t necessarily having to terminate late. It can also be having a severely sick child for life. ) I over analyze every symptom and ache. When I realized what I was doing I knew I had to find a healthier thought process. I think I’ve found one and……..we took a home pregnancy test yesterday that turned out positive. When my mind turns to the “bad ugly side” i visualize birthing a healthy happy baby. I visualize this next child playing with my daughter when he/she is two.

    What I’m trying to say, and I just found yoru blog today through a friend so I don’t know you from your writings, but what I’m trying to say is that you’ll have to continue helping MJ to overcome this for a while. Future pregnancies are a reminder of what happened. And you are the only one who knows what she has/is going through. I know I sound crazy at times from my fears of the past but it’s good to know at least one person, my husband, can sympathize. Truly sympathize.

    Ah, I’ve written too much but I just wanted to make sure you know you are not alone. And it will get better, just not in that “happily ever after” kind of way. And, I will remember Alex…..because she’s somewhere hanging out with my son. They’re in their own kind of club together looking out for us down here.

    I wish you guys all the best and a huge hug.
    Angela

  32. Angela: You make perfect sense. I know exactly what you mean.

    This is our third miscarriage (we had two before we had Will) so I get it. Instead of pregnancy being a happy time it’s filled with fear and paranoia. It’s just an unfortunate part of our reality now.

    Thanks for the comment and I like the thought of our kids playing together from afar.

  33. Aaron, thank you and MJ both so much for sharing your pain and struggles with such heart and eloquence. I spent a lot of time working to keep abortion safe and legal, and it is such a scary, scary time now. Children, women and men deserve better than this. Love to you and your beautiful family. I will certainly remember Alex forever. Thank you.

  34. This is such a great post and a great tribute to Alex! She has indeed changed a lot of lives and a lot of opinions.

  35. Great post and Alex will definitely NEVER be forgotten. My heart goes out to your family. You guys are so strong!

  36. If only more people could see the pain of the LIVING instead of spending their time focusing on casting judgments.
    I have not been reading, but I hear you, loud and clear. I am sorry for what you went through, but glad that you found your meaning.

  37. I swear to you both that I will always remember Alex.

    And on a lighter note I will also remember that god awful “rap” lol nice job Aaron. Way to willingly make an ass of yourself. That was awesome.

  38. My condolences to your family. There are no words… I would just like you to know that I will always remember Baby Alex. I will keep your family in my thoughts in prayers.

  39. I’m so sorry I didn’t know until now. K and I are so sorry for you, MJ and Will. By the way, I would give a million bucks to be there with you when you talked to those fucking assholes who were protesting. I don’t think I would have been as pleasant as you were. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

  40. I read about your story on the BBC Dec 2010 birth club, I am in it too. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your family. I have had losses too and to go through what you and your wife are going through sounds unbearable. I am keeping up with your blog now because I have a 22 month old son and I think you are a great writer.

  41. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you stood up to those bullies who belittle people when they feel the smallest that they will probably ever feel. They have pro-life “rallies” where they stand by the busiest streets with signs and their kids… when their kids get bored/hot/tired/etc they seem to get mad because that means they have to stop protesting. Maybe they should take care of their own kids and stop worrying about someone else’s decision? Maybe they should go feed and clothe all of the kids in orphanages. Maybe they should care for the kids that are beaten up daily because their parents didn’t want them. Maybe they should be thankful that women are going to the clinic instead of more dumpster babies. Maybe they should educate themselves in fetal development and realize that it doesn’t always work out how they think it should… Alexandra is a beautiful little girl and was wise enough to teach you these things. My older sister is named Alexandra and goes by Xander (my family also liked the male name for a girl!)

  42. I just read this; not sure how I missed it before. Beautiful post. Alex contributed to your lives and to the world in such a strong courageous fashion.

  43. This was amazing, heartwarming and so encouraging after all the negative press and spin around reproductive rights these days. Thank you.

  44. I have worked as a counselor at an abortion clinic for over 3 years. I have never been in a place filled with more love and respect. I hope you were both treated with love and dignity. I was very moved by the video of you talking to the protesters. I wish more people would protest the protesters. Maybe they would get the hint. Thank you.

  45. This is a profoundly touching story, and I’m grateful for your sharing it with us. I hope you family remains strong and healthy. Little Alex would have been very lucky to have deeply loving and devoted parents. It takes courage to stand up to injustices, and you proved that. I’m envious of you for having the maturity to exhibit such restraint, yet still voice your disapproval and pain. Many would have had to be bailed out of jail on such occasion. I hope all is well with your family and the healing process.

  46. Hi Aaron, found this post through another dad blog and just wanted to say I was deeply moved by the tribute as well as the Abort Protestors post. I recently had a friend who lost their daughter after she was born a few months early and irrelevance was one of their fears as well. Turns out she and Alex continue to live on and touch lives.

  47. Amazing. Simply amazing. The things that unborn child accomplished in her lifetime are more than a lot people will ever be able to claim. How proud you must be! You deserve a standing ovation for the manner in which you stood up for your wife. You can rest assured I will NEVER forget Alex!! I have nothing but well wishes for you and your family.

  48. On Ravelry.com I founded and moderate a group called “Healing After Pregnancy Loss,” which supports members who are grieving after miscarriages, stillbirths, terminations, and neonatal death. The group is very active and has been for two years, but not once has a father joined. I suspect that’s because Ravelry itself is a social networking site for knitters and crocheters.

    My heart goes out to you and your family. My husband and I are fortunate to have two sons, one born in 2003 and the other in 2008. But we will never forget Tara Marie, the little girl we lost on November 3, 2006. My deepest sympathies.

  49. I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss and the horrible decision that no parent should ever make.

    I will never forget the Friday before Mother’s Day, two years ago, and being told that I lost our baby girl. Lots and lots of hugs to you and your family.

    Thank you for sharing Alex and the impact she has made on your life and so many others now.

  50. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your little princess.

    I lost a baby at 13 weeks, to miscarriage. He has a name, too, and it our favourite boy’s name. I wondered about “saving” it too – but I gave it to him anyways for exactly the same reason you describe: because he WAS, because he was my son, and because I will never forget him even if the world does.

    His name was Liam Stephen.

    I wish you love and healing through this difficult journey.

  51. your post was featured on a pregnancy loss group i belong to. i’ve always wanted to hear a father’s point of view on pregnancy loss. now i know what my husband was feeling when i miscarried our two babies.

    when we got pregnant 2 years ago, we chose the name “annelise” for a girl. that name means “graced with God’s blessings”. i lost “ani” early in pregnancy, but it hurt just the same, and it hurt to see my husband grieve our baby’s loss. when we got pregnant last year, i just couldn’t use ani’s name. that’s her name. we were blessed with twins. we truly were graced with God’s blessings for out 2 tiny miracles.

    i pray for peace for you and your wife as you heal from your loss.

  52. This must be a hard decision for you to make.

    A child’s death is one of the greatest losses of all.

    My daughter was born with congenital heart disease. At five weeks old, she died during open heart surgery. Had I known before she was born that she had a birth defect I would have still given birth to her. Even though her time on earth was short she touched my life. I’ll never forget her as my daughter.

  53. Rose: That’s awful. I’m so sorry.

    I agree with you that if our Alex had even the slightest chance at life via some kind of surgery, we would’ve gone through with it. But there was zero chance in our case and so we did what we had to do.

    You and your daughter are in my thoughts.

  54. Aaron the moment that I met you, and learned that you loved to write, and also the fact that I with my big brother went through the very same process albeit we did get to see Baby Shane see the light of day for a little over a month I knew how great of a man you are. I’m sorry for your loss, and baby Alex and Baby Shane will always be with us. As well if you want to my big brother has a blog sevenroom.blogspot.com. That is secondary though you are the most wonderful dad, and a wonderful guy.

  55. Words are never enough it seems in times like these. Your amazing strength and love for your family is beyond admiral. God bless Alex always and may she always warm your heart. You are salt of the earth in my book. Be well. @cferder

  56. First, I’m very sorry for your loss.

    Second, thank you for your strength. From the bottom of my heart, I can’t express how thankful I am to you for speaking so candidly about your ordeal. I spend one Saturday a month volunteering as a ‘Clinic Escort’, where my ‘job’ is simply to walk women and their support persons (sister, husband, brother, grandpa) from their car to the clinic doors. Depending on the patients mental state of mind, the walk can consist of some shared laughter and small talk about the absurdity of the protesters; or it can be a rough 45 seconds of me speaking calmy and loudly to cover up the hateful screaming while holding an umbrella in front of the patients face to shield her from the protesters video camera as she sobs uncontrollably.

    It is absolutely, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s only four hours a month, 8am-12pm, but it shakes me to the very core. People often stare blankly at me when I mention what I do, not understanding the environment that still exists at our clinics and is actually still getting worse to this day. This is another personal account that I can add to my list of resources for the rare times when the subject comes up and the person I’m speaking to really WANTS to understand.

    I wish that I could take your pain away, I wish that this had *never* happened to you or your wife, god how I wish that. But I will use it knowing that it will open some hearts. Thank you.

  57. I am so sorry for your family’s loss. Thank you so, SO, much for sharing the story of your baby girl Alex with the world. She won’t be forgotten – she has two loving parents and a big brother to keep her story alive and make sure the world knows that she existed and was loved.

    My best to you all,
    Amy

  58. The first post of yours that I never read – and it was one upon which I VERY inadvertently stumbled, during a Google search – was entitled “Her Shit Don’t Stink.” And, I have to admit that I was…underwhelmed. I mean, I’m just not someone who really sees any humor in fart jokes or stories; I DESPISE the word, and just don’t think that it’s a topic that warrants conversation. Ditto bathroom humor of all stripes. I also thought, “Wow. Did I read correctly? This guy is a COLUMNIST?” Well, here’s my mea culpa, because I then stumbled upon this button. Not only is this very poignant, it’s also incredibly intriguing because of the events alluded to in the post. I’m still only scratching the surface of your blog, but I’ve really enjoyed much of what I’ve read – the fart post notwithstanding! And, despite the fact that I’m extremely new to your blog and that you don’t know me from Adam, I still feel compelled to apologize for that snap judgment. If you are even a tiny bit interested, please check out my above-mentioned blog. Now, I am A TERRIBLE poster – very, VERY sporadic. However, I began the blog with an eye toward possibly writing a memoir. But then, I began to “look around” the internet, so to speak (obviously, I’m not someone with a huge interest in web-based activities. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read about some stuff – for instance, I’m nothing short of FASCINATED by evangelicals/fundamentalists and their web postings – and there’s A LOT OF IT out there), and became…intimidated. I just don’t feel like I have the stuff to compete, blog-wise, although I do feel as though I’ve got quite a story to tell – but don’t we all? And, the market seems supersaturated with memoirs of all kinds. At any rate and to (finally!) sum it up: Thank you, I’m sorry, and…check me out. I’m really trying to re-commit to my blog, and I do think that I’ve got some interesting stories to share – for instance, I’ve had six miscarriages and a couple of abortions (abusive rapist of a boyfriend), and…well, perhaps you’ll be intrigued enough to pop on over. I hope that, with each passing day, you and yours are recovering from what I know is a horrific loss.

  59. Crap, that first sentence should be, “The first post of yours that I EVER read…” not “…that I NEVER read…” Sorry ’bout that.

  60. Deborah: No need to apologize. I’m sure different subjects I tackle turn certain people off, it’s inevitable. But thank you for giving me a second chance and for letting me know about it. I really appreciate it.

    I checked out a little bit of your blog and I can’t wait to dig in deeper. It certainly does seem you have a compelling story to tell, and I can’t wait to read it.

    Thanks again!

  61. Our baby died at 32 weeks due to severe complications that we had known about since about 17 weeks, but we chose not to terminate, and if it continued on it’s own decided to seek whatever medical care could be possible for our baby. However, our baby boy didn’t make it and I was induced. Giving birth to a stillborn baby is a nightmare, but we were able to have some peace from holding our boy and meeting him, and then burying him.

    I am not saying this to judge your decision to terminate. I am only wondering why you chose not to deliver. You mentioned in the video you didn’t want your wife to deliver a stillborn baby, but perhaps it could be more therapeutic than the termination option where you don’t get to meet the baby, which you express regret over in this post.

    Either choice is a very very hard scenario, but in not terminating early, parents are able to actually meet their angels and hold them, and then say goodbye properly, and could even have photos taken. Were you made aware of any options like this or did you think termination was your only option?

    I know your grief is fresh, and from your post it is hard on you that you didn’t get to meet her, etc. that is why I am mentioning this. But at the same time, I want you to know that it’s NOT b/c I am trying to rub in those feelings of loss at not being able to meet her etc. I just wanted to know if you had known about the possibility, and decided against it.

    I am glad she is remembered in your hearts, and I am very sorry for the pregnancy complication that caused you such anguish, and took your little girl. We also named our little boy, James Alexander H., and I am glad you named your little girl. Because they are their own person, and are incredibly special to their parents, and they will never be forgotten. Re-using the name seems like taking away that status. Like replacing them, which we know is not possible.

    The pain does get less raw, but sadly your ache for baby Alex will never completely go away. We will pray for you and your wife, if you accept. This is a very hard time emotionally. You two seem to be strong together, and that is a very positive thing in your favor for eventual recovery. You also have a healthy beautiful son to be thankful for, and carry on for, not just each other.

  62. LH: No offense taken, it’s a fair question.

    The answer is yes, we weighed all of our options. The upside of living near Boston is having excellent medical care available. But our baby was nearly dead at 16 weeks. There was no hope. And when my wife and I talked about it, we decided delivering a stillborn baby was by far the more traumatic choice for us personally.

    My heart breaks for you and little James. I think what you went through is 100 times more difficult than my situation. I don’t fault or judge your decision one bit, and I’m glad you took some solace in meeting your boy. But for us, the cons definitely outweighed the pros.

    I’ll keep you and James in my thoughts.

  63. We lost our daughter Natalia three weeks ago and I cant still express my feelings, not because I dont want to, but because I dont know how to. I hear you there when people are tring “to help”. It happened to us the same week our daughter past away, my sister-in-law came from New York came to show sympathy and I wish she would never showed up. We needed time to grieve and more than time we needed silence and peace at our home, of course none was possible with her, a 10 year old girl and a loud clown husband.

    We will never know the real reason why we lost her, she was only 20 gestational weeks, she was with us for a small period of time but she will be the eternity in our hearts. We’ll always love and miss her. And yes, for the rest of the world she might been one more baby, for us she was everything. After several years trying to become pregnant, our dreams vanished on October 12. Of all the family, friends and people who cares and loved us, there was one who really touched my heart, she said: Maria, all that Natalia knew in your womb was love. And yes she is so right, since day one she was loved and until the day I die all she will receive from us is LOVE.

    Natalia we love you baby and you will always be our first daughter.

  64. I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost a baby on December 11 ’08. Our third, a little girl we named Abigail. I was 38 weeks and 4 days along and it was sudden. It will be hard for a while, especially when everyone else moves on and seems to forget, and you do neither. But it will get better. There will come a time when you remember your baby and instead of feeling just pain and grief, you’ll smile. I can smile now when I think of my Abby. It just takes time.

    I have heard of the video you filmed, but haven’t watched it…after reading this, I want to see it. I am pro-life, I’m also a Christian, but I don’t agree at all with protesting at clinics. I don’t think people should do it, ever. I think it causes more harm than good. It hurts people and it’s a terrible way to try and change minds. It WON’T change minds. I think the best way to make a difference and try to talk to people about your views is by helping people and supporting them rather than condemning them when you have no idea what brought them to that clinic in the first place. So a big part of me really wants to apologize for what you and your wife went through that day. That same part of me is sometimes ashamed of some of my fellow pro-lifers and the crap they put people through. It shouldn’t be that way, especially if the pro-life individual also claims to be a Christian. We’re supposed to emulate Jesus, and you know, I just can’t see him screaming in someone’s face and waving signs at them. That’s not how He did it.

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