I Hate Newborns

sam_cryYup, you read that right. I hate newborns. Hate them.

Let me set a scene for you — a scene to which many parents will relate.

I’m up late with a screaming, inconsolable baby trying to give my poor wife a break. He’s not just crying, he’s doing that “scream so hard his entire body is rigid, lip is quivering, head is as red as a cherry” type of scream. And he’s been doing it for 45 minutes straight because apparently that’s how long it takes to summon the harbingers of Satan.

But the dark forces had much more in store for me that night.

I walked with him, sang to him, bounced him, changed him, put him in the bouncy chair, tried to give him a pacifier, walked outside with him — you name it, I tried it. The only thing I hadn’t done was feed him, because our doctor said we were over-feeding him so we had to cut back to a minimum of every two hours. But after 45 minutes and feeling the fingers of frenzied lunacy reaching into my soul, I took some breast milk out of the freezer and started warming it up.

Maybe he saw how close he was to eating. Maybe not. I don’t know. But what I do know is Sam managed to ratchet up his screaming to previously unheard of levels of torture and anguish. The kind of screams where it looks like he’s screaming because his mouth is wide open but it’s actually silent because the sound of his wailing is on a 7-second delay and you know it’s coming but you hope against hope that it doesn’t but then it does and BOOM — it’s 1,000 times worse than you imagined? That kind of scream.

And that one sent me careening over the edge of sanity.

I worked like a mad scientist holding him in one arm and getting the breast milk heated up with the other hand. Getting the frozen milk from the bag to the bottle was my last hope, and one that I just knew would work. Except the milk was taking FOREVER to heat up. Or maybe it just felt like forever because I was in a full on panic with the anguished screams of my son getting ready to overtake me and drown me.

FINALLY the milk was ready and — with fingers trembling — I opened up the bag, grabbed the bottle, and poured the calming elixir in posthaste. Then I lifted up the bottle to feed my son and —

The milk went EVERYWHERE! Because in my crazed state, I forgot to put in a bottle liner.

Watching MJ’s hard-pumped breast milk flow across the counter and spill onto the floor as my son wailed maniacally in my ear was too much. It was beyond…it just sent me to a place…well, this is the best way I can describe it.

Now don’t mistake what I’m saying here. I love Sam. We wanted him badly, we tried to conceive him for a long time, and we asked for all of this. So yes, I’m fully aware that I sound like a complete jerk here. But the fact remains — I hate newborns.

I was 28 when Will was born — a young buck who carried on in his spare time and lived the night life. Plus I was working odd hours as a journalist which meant lots of night shifts, so I wouldn’t go to bed until 1 a.m. That made staying up with the baby a lot more palatable. Now, at the ripe old age of 34, I’m an elderly curmudgeon who can’t seem to function on anything less than seven solid hours. And I’m commuting 3+ hours a day which means the gridlock, sleepless nights, and perpetual screaming are in some sort of hellish race to see which component will suck the life out of me first.

But back to newborns.

They suck. I know that’s not PC and new parents are supposed to be on Cloud 9 floating like Tinkerbell and shitting gumdrops of happiness as we post totes adorbs baby pictures on Facebook for the world to see. But I’m calling it like it is. (Although Sam’s FB pictures are hella cute)

Newborns eat, crap, and cry. They cry when they have to eat or crap, and if they crap after they cry they cry to eat again. If they cry after they eat they cry again when they crap. And then they cry when you’re cleaning their crap and also because you’re not allowing them to eat quickly enough. Then, when you least expect it, they piss in your face when you forget to make a “diaper shield” while changing them.

Which, coincidentally, is the only time the little bastards smile.

“Yeah but c’mon — you’ll miss this when he grows up,” is the common refrain from the masses. Well I’ve got news for you people: I won’t.

I will not miss Sam being a newborn. I don’t miss Will’s newborn phase. Not one bit. Will is so freaking cool and awesome and he’s been that way since before he turned 1. He grew up and learned sign language, then words, then walked, and reasoned, and joked, played sports, became a wise-ass, etc. Older kids do something frickin’ amazing every day, and I love that. Yes toddlers are difficult but I’ll take the Terrible 2s and 3s EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. as opposed to the newborn phase.

Unfortunately, none of that matters at the moment because Sam is a newborn. And what little patience I had at 28 is gone at 34. And that sucks because it means I’m not being a very good father. And I’m not. I know that.

With Will I was the Baby Whisperer. He loved me and favored me and I could soothe him like no other. Sam, however, only has eyes for MJ. Where she has the magic touch, I’m basically Shaq trying to shoot free throws. And when I can’t calm him and he won’t stop crying, I lose my mind. I’ve banged my head off every surface of my house. I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs into pillows, cursing my very existence and bargaining with the universe for just a few hours sleep. Poor MJ has had to bail me out repeatedly, especially because I need sleep for work.

I tell everyone I wish I was better with newborns, but it’s a lie. What I really wish is we could hit the fast-forward button six months and get to the cool part of parenting. Because newborns are terrible, awful little soul-sucking creatures and if I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to run away and join a cult until Sam is no longer a tool of Satan.

I want to reiterate, I love my son. We wanted another baby so badly and now he’s here and that’s great, but it still doesn’t change the fact that there’s nothing good, fun, or easy about the first few months. So if I sound a little nuts right now, it’s because I am.

Because I have a newborn. And newborns suck.

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96 thoughts on “I Hate Newborns

  1. thank goodness they make newborns so damn cute….I think the newborn stage is why I only have one!

  2. You can’t ‘overfeed’ an infant who is taking solely breast milk. Your doctor should know this.

  3. I was just the doting uncle, so my perspective was a bit different. My two elder sisters had three children each, and all of them were as different as night and day. A couple of them were prone to that inconsolable, possessed demon shriek from hell. I remember begging one of the little tykes to please stop screaming because poor Uncle Adam had done all he could think of and was starting to feel like a huge failure as an uncle!

  4. That pretty much was my first month with Lucas except I couldn’t move further than a few feet away from an O2 concentrator that threatened to take away the last bits of my sanity. Add crying, plus the 2 AM alarms from an O2 sensor that he loved to kick off his feet and it’s lucky we’re both still here today. But you’re right, it does get better (for me a lot quick than you). I think my situation with him being the hospital for 3 months made me appreciate how lucky I was to have him home (which in turn gave me more patience). Good luck, let me know if you need to grab a beer (aka crash in our spare bedroom for a few hours).

  5. The first few weeks are so hard..I feel for ya…but are you sure you don’t have PPD?

  6. Mike: I remember how rough that was for you. I only went over once during that initial time and I nearly had a breakdown when I left. That O2 sensor…ugh.

    Meri: I’m fine, just run of the mill new parent crankiness combined with an unprecedented rise in commuting traffic to work is stressing me out.

  7. And THIS is why I won’t have a fourth baby. Sorry to hear he’s a tough one. My third was like this. We tried everything, even the black gripe water that’s $22 a bottle and stains everything. It helped. What finally did the trick was a combo of me giving up dairy and using the Windi. I swear she was a like different kid. Today, she’s a very healthy and happy one year old. The hubs is pushing for baby 4, but I still remember the newborn days. He clearly does not. Good luck to you Aaron. This too shall pass.

  8. I hate to say this and rub it in (well not really), my infant (4 1/2 Months) sleeps through the night, only really cries when she is hungry which is every few hours and when she is tired. She goes to bed at 7:30 and sleeps until about 6:00 and has done this since basically 6 weeks. Before then she only woke up to eat every few hours and went back to sleep. Yup I am rubbing it in!! LOL

  9. Traffic sucks. I don’t blame you-it’s definitely a terrible combo…cranky baby, 5 year old, you miss them and then when you get home you want to pull your hair out…Did you use up all your vaca time?

    No commuter rail or train to take? I can’t deal with traffic.

  10. I think it’s really important to be aware of the challenges as well as the joys of being parents of new born children and be unafraid to talk about both. I so no reason not to be frank when discussing challenges and difficulties with fellow parents as I think it’s mutually beneficial to get the full picture.

  11. I do not miss the newborn phase at all! Your pediatrician is an idiot though. You cannot over feed a breast fed baby. I repeat, You CANNOT OVERFEED A BREAST FED BABY! If he eats too much for comfort while MJ is feeding him, he will spit some up. The end.

  12. Amen, brother. I came across this article after Googling “I hate newborns.” Like you, I’m on my second, and, while I love her to pieces, I f*cking loathe newborns. My boy, now 2 years old, is a dream compared to this screaming, irrational bundle of “joy”. I often tell my wife that I wish we could fast-forward about 7-8 months.

    So, I completely feel and share your pain. The good news is that, with the second, you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and you know how sweet, loving, cuddly, hilarious, smart, etc. etc., they become. I’m clinging to that thought right now, as I hold my finally-calmed 16 day old.

    Keep the faith. πŸ™‚

  13. I came across your post last night at one of our 3 am awakenings with our newborn. I laughed. I shared it with my husband and he tooootally gets it. My question for you is, when did it finally get better for you?

  14. It is so good to hear that I’m not the only one in the universe that feels like this. I feel EXACTLY the same as you. I love my newborn twins, but man I hate this part of parenthood.

  15. This is exactly how I feel, cant wait for this months to go by as fast as possible.

  16. Hi! My husband and I are talking about having our first and the newborn stage is something I’m already dreading because I don’t even like other people’s newborns. I’m already wondering how I’m going to get through that phase. The husband and I were talking the other night and the things you mentioned were exactly what I told him drives me up the wall (with others’ newborns) and his reply was, “That’s what babies do, Jennifer.” As if I was overreacting. So, I’m printing this blog entry and framing it so when we do have our own, I can read it every night, at 2 am, when I’m up with my own screaming, irrational, bundle of “joy,” LOL, so I know I’m not alone and will make it through. Thank you!

  17. I stumbled on this page like other posters seem to have and I agree with you 120%-I absolutely loathe and despise newborns. I love my kid, but I am beyond joyous that she is out of that stage. When I see other peoples newborns (which I try avoiding at practically all cost), I get that feeling that a vein is bulging out of my forehead because the sight of it alone pisses me off. I hate seeing people dote all over them as if they even notice what you are saying or doing to them. I hate seeing people’s vlogs about every time their little demon makes a poopy or has tummy time. Argh!

    Thank God my wife is the same way. We’re looking towards the end game when they can actually think and act like human beings.

  18. It’s the same with my, my wife and pretty much all of our families – extended and the like. Newborns are little aliens who are as far from being humans beings as a rock is from being a frog (though they imitate the qualities). Then they open their soul-shredding scream as if competing against the sirens in The Iliad.

    It gets much better when they show personality and aren’t a helpless sack of meat who do nothing but leech all hope, peace and life into the vortex of its black hole of sanity death. Where the crap is that remote from Click?!

  19. We’re at the end of day 10 with our newborn and the stress is insane. Complications from c-section lead to poor milk and the kid’s a bad latcher and so eating is a chore and a guilty disappointment, due to formula being painted so badly, that we both dread hearing her stir due to hunger, which feels constant. The only thing keeping me level is blogs like this teminding me I’m not a horrible person for feeling how I do about the baby, and looking forward to her first laugh, whenever that is, which might indicate she’s finally a person I like hanging out with.

  20. Will: I’m sorry, that’s such a rough time. And it feels like it’ll last forever. But in a bit, your baby will do something amazing. And then something else. And soon everything gets incrementally better. But yeah, right now life sucks. Hang in there.
    Daddy Files recently posted..The Things I Wish For My SonsMy Profile

  21. I came across this blog today after I sat with my 5 week old son for about an hour listening him suck my soul from my body with every cry. Everything you said makes me feel like I am NOT a terrible dad/borderline sociopath for not enjoying this phase. I HATE IT. The worst part is our parents continually say how lucky we have it because he isnt doing this or isnt doing that and I just want to hit my head (or theirs) against a wall. I said to my wife i wish I could fast forward to age two or something in that area. I have friends who have babies and I feel dupped because none of them mentioned how AWFUL this stage is. Is it like a secret amongst parents to not tell the new ones exactly how much it blows at first?

  22. I can totally relate to this πŸ˜› I love my son to bits but I can’t wait for him to get a bit older! He’s 2 months old currently. He does the screeching cry and well as the silent scream of doom (with his mouth open but nothing comes out, but you know what happens next – an ear piercing scream of absolute mayhem!) He’s very cute and a handsome little bugger from the moment he was born but he is a screamer. I just kind of take it one day at a time. My main problem is I have insomnia issues (have had them all my life) so it can take me hours to literally wind down and fall asleep. Even if my son sleeps for 5 hours (a rare thing indeed) I still will only get 30 minutes of sleep somehow! It’s like an investment though. You care for them endlessly for the first few months, and then it happens! They become amazing little guys πŸ™‚ For now though…I will drink my coffees and take cat naps when (and if) I can. Btw I love cats. LOVE CATS. πŸ˜›

  23. Haha this article made me laugh so much! & congrats since this was written in November 2013 you are past the newborn stage!!
    Pregnant with my second right now and DREADING going through this again. I know I’ll be telling myself to just hold on until 6 months haha!

  24. This is reality of these little shows that make parenting look so fun! Maybe for the moms, idk, but for dads (whom are man enough to admit it), baby parenting sucks!!!!!

  25. Wow. This helps. I’m a first time dad at age 51(planned), so imagine the patience that has slipped from my soul at this advanced age. Yes, I love my son…but I fucking hate him too. I just gave him a 5 minute whispered speech about how fucking selfish he is (yes, selfish)…all the while knowing the insanity of my words. I know, rationally, that he can not “help” but cry for whatever reason, but it doesn’t change my desire for him to fucking just stop! I even tried to reason with him that nowhere else in nature does any baby cry so fucking much. Would he rather be a baby muskrat? Would that be better? Rolling around in the cold mud, instead of in warm in $23 Oshkosh b’fuck’s sake snuggies?!

    He’s presently passed out across my bare chest…skin to skin with the little effer. Did I mention that I’ve gained 35 pounds and haven’t been to the gym in 8 months? So yeah, he’s got a nice shelf of stomach fat to lean against.

    This too will pass…and I’ll miss a couple things about these weeks…but not much.

  26. Thanks for the validation. Not very cool thinking that I’m an awful person…it’s getting better, but not to the point where I wouldn’t accept $10 for him, and deal with explaining to my wife later why I sold the baby (“they looked really nice and drove a Volvo…”)

  27. As a side, and a bit off topic…

    I hope you’re making a good living with your writing. I just spent a bit of my free time (between crying jags – mine, not his) reading more of your writing. You write honestly, not to shock, but to address crap of varying “importance” and allow your readers to connect and relate to that honesty. Plus, you’re funny. I can only read terribly funny, or terribly sad things.

    Anywayyyy…maybe the best thing for a writer to hear is that their words have effect and affect. You’ve helped me. Thanks.

    And btw…Btad and I are one in the same – just chose to use my gang moniker for the above comment.

    And thanks for making the security math below calculus level. I still got the first question wrong.

  28. Btrad (I’m combining your gang persona and real life identity):

    Thank you. Thank you a million freaking ways from Sunday. I consider what you said to be just about the highest form of compliment and provides some much-needed validation for what I’m doing here. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I’m howling into a void, so knowing that any of this has made a difference for someone is so important.

    I don’t make much off this site. I vowed never to have ads on the site, opting for sponsored posts instead because at least I can control the message that way and not totally annoy people. I do all of this on the side and just try to cover expenses. But it’s fun and I like it, so until that changes I’ll keep doing it.

    In the meantime, hold out for $20 on the baby. Or barter for a needed household appliance like on CraigsList. Good luck!
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  29. LOVE this! I’m right in the thick of it. Have an 8 week beautiful daughter that I love… But I HATE this stage. I’d do anything for her. But holy cow is she horrible. I have a 3 year old who was the same as a newborn. And is absolutely awesome now. So it’s worth it after the first 9 months, but When you’re in the thick of it, you really don’t think it is worth it. Anyway, you said it all already. Thank you. You make me feel like I am not so horrible. I hate newborns. I don’t care that they’re cute. I hate them.

  30. May I just say, this is amazing and perfect, and the grammar is impeccable unlike many similar posts so bonus points to you!

    I feel exactly the same way. I started raising my wife’s 1.5 year old and thought babies would be easy when we got pregnant with our first child together. That was my first mistake. I hate this part. I’d rather do things with my child and take them places and share experiences. I don’t like the idea of nurturing. In fact I can’t stand when they scream. Ours is 2 months now, and already starting to teeth, fucking joy.

    I never knew I could love and hate a being so much. When she sleeps she’s like an angel from heaven, when she’s throwing a fit I am at my wits end and hate even being a parent.

    All that to say… I really can’t wait till she’s a toddler.

    Thank you for this. I really needed this tonight.

  31. Just happened upon your blog – love it – esp how parents and serial killers are alike πŸ™‚

    Have to comment on the pic above, though. That baby is tongue tied. And I mean seriously tongue tied. And tongue tied babies are miserable babies – very miserable babies. If that’s your son, I am so sorry no one ever told you!

  32. Wow I’m so pleased I read this. I’ve got a two week old and I’ve been feeling like a horrible father. It’s worst when I’m trying to give my wife a break and my newborn makes it impossible. He keeps us awake and drains her of all energy and confidence.
    We love him and would do anything for him, but in those moments I am filled with anger.
    We know it gets better, we’re just hanging in there.
    Thanks for this post.

  33. I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone in my frustration with or general dislike of this beginning phase of child development.

    Similar story – I Googled, “I hate newborns” after handing over my second child, who just turned 1 month old, to his tired mother for yet another round of feeding. Last night, I was so angry and on the verge of some form of mental breakdown as the baby fussed unless held or fed for what felt like the entire night. I caved after ~2 hrs of being unable to do anything productive and my awesome wife managed to struggle through the rest of the night while I melted into a useless blob of liquid exhaustion.

    I have a 3 yr old, so I have been through this once before. The newborn phase sucked then, too, perhaps even moreso as I was going through an episode of major depression. I know logically that this too shall pass and a new and amazing person will emerge from it. But, good God, how torturous it is to be the dad who can do nothing to calm the newborn, cannot feed the newborn, and cannot move or go to sleep when holding the sleeping newborn!

    I stand with you and others who believe that newborns suck all life and happiness from you. And then they regurgitate all that life and happiness back in your face and you cannot help but love them.

    I urge anyone who thinks they might be in the midst of depression to seek help. Now.

  34. As we speak my baby boy is 1 week old and its 3 in the morning he drives me nuts screaming crying!!! I want to pull my hair… And yes I do want to push that fast forward button…. Sigh

  35. Thanks for writing this. The past few days I’ve felt like crap and a horrible person because who in their right mind would hate their kid? It’s 3 AM and my 6 week old daughter is upstairs with my amazing wife throwing yet another fit. That blood curdling screech straight from the pit of hell. Finding the right formula for her to eat has caused one problem after another and we are both at our wits end. I can count on one hand the number of hours she is content AND awake during the day. I’ve tried to give my wife a break, but it just … Doesn’t …. Stop. I have several friends who have had babies recently and they say that they have such good little babes who nurse and sleep on command. Excuse me while I force choke your ass from across the Internet. I won’t miss this phase at all. I love my daughter to peices but right now I can’t stand her as a newborn.

  36. Acmariner99 Try Gerber Soothe.anyways thanks for this!!! I’m up with my evil 5 week old now. He hates life and I am starting to also. He’s NEVER satisfied. I’m starting to question my own sanity. This post and whole thread cracked me up!

  37. I am nine weeks in with my baby girl and I want to kill myself. I love her to death but fuck me, she knows how to destroy my soul through her fits and tantrums. I feel like a shit dad because of how I feel but I can really relate to the OP. I hate newborns. Bring on 6 months!

  38. Wow. Thank you SO MUCH for this blog and the amazing thread that has followed. So thankful to have found ANYTHING to make me feel like I’m not a selfish ass for HATING this time off my life.

    Know what shocks me??? Out of all of the people who have experienced new born children, literally ONE told me that the first few months would be a nightmare! ONE FUCKING PERSON! I mean, seriously! I’m not sure if it’s a big fucking joke that no one tells you or that they are all ashamed because they, too, hated their life during this time, but fuck them for not speaking up! I’m telling everyone from here on out so they can be prepared to lose their fucking mind! It’s only fair!

    Anyway… thanks again for this post! I’m Gonna go tell my wife I love her!

  39. Well, here I am again … my daughter is now three months old and we are still little better than we were when I first posted. This morning during a screeching fit that lasted for about an hour (an eternity), I caved and locked myself in the bathroom and started punching walls. I feel like such an inadequate father and a horrible person because while my daughter has her adorable moments (they are getting more frequent) I still can’t stand her. I want to teach her and show her the world … this newborn/baby stage is just fucking evil.

    We are using a combination of the Gerber Gentle and Soothe … it helps but she still has pretty bad gas attacks. Gripe water and colic drops don’t really work either.

  40. I’m at that throw yourself off a roof moment. The damn baby now has a milk protein allergy which is amazing and ΓΌber expensive ($30 a can until the insurance will decide to pay; ha!) my wife is going beyond crazy!
    I am so fricken happy this site exists. All throughout the day I have this amazing baby Addison that warms my heart with a smile. However the moment the sun sets the sleep terrorist arrives after plotting all day.
    I truly wish that i could skip this part there is really not one need.
    How the hell did my parents do this three times?!??!

  41. We’re almost one month in with our newborn daughter, and I’ve experienced every one of these horrible situations. The worst part is that it starts off with me wanting to give my wife a break and it usually winds up with me pulling my hair out later. I liken this phase in life to being a mall Santa and having an endless line of wailing children placed on your lap. At least Santa is getting paid.

  42. Nice to know I’m not alone. People are so weird about telling you the truth when it comes to babies, I’m up late with the 10 day old girl, they don’t really talk about how it makes you insane, or it being worth it at the end or at some point at all. I don’t even really like her much, I do like my wife though, so here I am putting up with the horrible screaming and fussing and being miserable. I just don’t have the patience for this at 36, it might sound horrible, but I kind of hate this kid, I guess it gets better, doesn’t make me feel much better right now though.

  43. First of all, congrats. But yeah, 10 days you’re still in triage mode. Soon you’ll find a routine and things will start to get better. Unless they don’t and your kid is a horror show like my second was. Then it’ll be months of this. But at least in a month or so your kid will start giving back to you. Recognizing you, smiling at you, and doing the small things that start to turn her into a person instead of a screaming lump of defecating flesh.

    Hang in there.
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  44. hey man thanks for this i’ve bin going through these crazed feelings for the past few months my little girls 2 months she’s not veryfussy but the fact that she’s turned my life upside down ust makes me so angry. the fact that my partner has now become a milk factory who cant go out or do anything other than baby makes me so angry. I think of giving her up for adoption all the time probably, a parent who wants kids and cant have them can take better care of her ours was an accidental one!! i dont know what to do..im looking at separating and sending my partner off with the kid!

  45. Omg this is the best vlog!!! I’m a 1st time dad @36 and its sucks so much ass I can’t even find the words lol.

    My boy is almost 10 months and hasn’t got out of the infant asshole stage. Some nights he wakes every single hour to suck the life out of us. Other nights its every 2 hrs. Every single night. During the day he is smiling and laughing all day long.

    Bedtime is a horrible routine of crying and screaming every night for an hour until passing out. The wife is a real trooper though. If it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t live lol. And now she is 2 months preggo and I would love to just be run over by a speeding bus then continue this routine and then start all over again in 7 months.

    Only advice I can give is……pull out πŸ™‚

  46. Why didn’t you all just use a fucking condom for fucks sake. Why have a bluddy kid knowing how hard its going to be then regret it later? You people are bluddy stupid. Everytime I’m in public there’s always some fucking kid screaming and causing a scene and it fucking pisses me off. Why should I put up with it? If I go out I expect peace and quiet. Am I the only person with half a brain? I’ve seriously thought about getting a vasectomy because why would I want to ruin my life and if I ever sleep with a girl, I never ever want to ruin her beautiful body by stupidly doing that to her. Maybe cos I actually care. To all those fucking retards who knock up girls-go to Coles or Woolies and buy a box of condoms…around $6….oh so expensive.

  47. You think when you walk out in public you have an expectation to peace and quiet? What kind of entitled fucking asshole are you, aside from one who can’t spell “bloody” correctly?

    Every time I’M in public I have to deal with a brain dead, narrow-minded piece of shit like you, so I guess we’re even. Sure, having kids is hard and at times feels impossible. But no good thing is ever easy and overall, being a dad is the best thing I’ve ever done. Also, your ignorant and asinine garbage about “ruining her beautiful body” is beyond stupid. However, the “if I ever sleep with a girl” I find right on, because I’m sure that’s going to be a tall task with your idiotic attitude.

    Go back under your bridge, troll. We’re done with you here.
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  48. I’m so in this boat right now my problem is I can see myself getting more aggressive with our Second son, our first son, a dream except for like a one month period around 3-4 months where he had the purple crying and at least the gripe water actually worked, now he’s almost 2 years old and aside from getting into absolutely everything he’s a dream the only times he cries now is when he feels that we have gone too long without giving him anything to eat. Now his little brother………. Fucking hell spawn man without hesitation ever 2 or so hours screaming bloody murder with no consolation and it makes me so angry and then I’m pissed off at like every bloody thing and I just want to kill some creatures in a video game but doing anything saps what little energy I have on reserve after he’s started one of his fucking fits and I swear I want to throw shit or explode things or put him out for free to someone in a nice car cause then at least I’d have my sanity back I know I’m being selfish but my brains going crazy and it feels like everything in my life is falling apart because of this one damn demon

  49. Fourth kid …..I’m 48…. And tired. …I want to kill him at times but then he smiles.
    I had forgotten how hard it is to WATCH my wife get up at all hours of the night.
    He for sure would be at a church doorstep without her.
    My other 3 kids are the best thing ever now that they are all over the age of 6….so I will just wait it out….I do miss my wife….where the hell is she?

  50. I feel the same way as you. I really hate when he wakes my girlfriend up at 2am after the little amount of sleep she gets. Also, he only seems to cry whenever my girlfriend isn’t around and I really think he could feel how much anxiety I get when he cries because he just begins to cry even more when I feel it kick in.

    Oh lord, I’ve never experienced anxiety like that ever in my life. XD I feel like I’m back in high school. (I experienced a lot of anxiety problems in high school). It feels like my heart begins to quiver with fear and the emotion of being a bad parent kicks in when I’m so annoyed with his shrieking sound of doom. All I hear when he shrieks is, “You’re being a bad parent and I’m going to show the whole world.”

    Also, I could tell my girlfriend feels the same way, but she doesn’t tell me. She hides these emotions because she doesn’t want to seem like a bad mom, but its true. I know her so well, so I know what shes feeling.

    The newborn phase sucks! I can’t wait ’til its over because, (sarcastic laugh), I’m feeling irritated by it almost every day of every hour, and every second.

  51. Thanks for this amazing article which makes me feel a lot less guilty about having the same feelings as everyone else here. I love my 3 week old daughter but at times I just want her to be taken away so I can have a bit of peace! The worst thing is where everyone asks how happy I must be. Why can’t society just admit that having a newborn is shit?

  52. Don’t you think that it would be less expensive and better to just use a condom EVERY time? I laugh when I see stupid pregggggo women in public…I think it’s the funniest thing in thr world. Hehehehehe. I mean….all those contractions must feel wonderful aye? Hahaha. And even when the fuckers born I roll on the ground with side splitting laughter when their 6 kids are crying, screaming, shitting their pants and the dopey mother has to find a way to chang its nappy….not to mention how the fuck do you do grocery shoppinh whilst pushing a Costco size trolley AND pushing a 3 way strolller? When the mothet is going psycho in the shoppping mall..I just stroll past her with my millions of dollars and good health with my a huge smile on my face….saying to myself-“Ain’t life wonderful!” LMFAO.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  53. I’m holding my 3 week old asi read this after 2 hours of crying eating and pooping from 2 am to 4 am he woke up again at 5 am. This totally sucks. I can’t stand people who try to put a positive spin on it. There is no positives right now. It is a prison sentence you serve then about 9 months in you realize it was worth it and it gets so much better. I wish it wasn’t so freaking hard though. You start to hate people that have good babies that sleep more than yours. I don’t even want to see those people.

  54. I saw this preggo woman today in the shopping mall…and I slapped a “Wear a condom” sticker on her belly. Fun times aye? Lol….hahahahahaha

  55. I love my 6 daughters. They are aged 6,8, 9, 14, 16 and 17 and they are all awseome! They are all sweet angels and never bitch about anyone. They are easy to please and we all are happy to sit and watch the Lion King all day whilst eating pizza. They must have got their looks from their mother, cos boys who are neighbours tell me “Ze all gude sorts!” They respect me and I love them for it. Even when they were newborns, they never ever cried or anything. They slept like an angel. To all these people on here with difficulties with their newborns -suck shit. One day me and my 6 girls all played twister…with my 16 and 17 year old wearing spandex b00ty shorts. I was happy for Katie to have her bum in my face. Lol. Girls are way better than boys. Lol.

  56. yep agree, thank you for your honest page. and to the stupid you were a baby once and still a baby admit you are weak because you cant have a baby, or you think its easy to have a baby because you dont care for it. fuck you trolls.

    I cant wait for the LO to grow the fuck up please god! demon spawn of satan I am sure is cute and can make cute sounds too

  57. Loved reading this!!! So on point! And I’m a mum of a 8 month old and 2 yr old.

  58. My wife and I have decided that we have conditional love for the baby. The condition being that she doesn’t scream and feed all night. Is she doesn’t meet that condition then all bets are off. We are only on week 3. If this lasts until 9 months we both might lose our minds.

  59. My wife and I have decided that we have conditional love for the baby. The condition being that she doesn’t scream and feed all night. If she doesn’t meet that condition then all bets are off. We are only on week 3. If this lasts until 9 months we both might lose our minds.

  60. Sorry for the duplicate. Since I’m here though, I totally agree with the commenters that said it is shit that no one really warns you how terrible it will be and how absurd it is to have to nod along at how wonderful your little bundle of joy is unless you want to come across as an asshole.

  61. I’m so happy that I’m not the only one who hates my newborn. And yes I mean hate. From the moment she was born, I had zero attachment to her. I was only concerned for and worried about my wife during labour and felt nothing when our daughter popped out. The first 3 days with our daughter in the hospital were rough as my wife was still recovering from labour and trying to breast feed. We were clueless as to what her cries meant, if she was hungry, needed a diaper change or was just cranky. And she was having difficulty in latching on to my wife. Which made her cry even more.

    I thought once we got her home things would get better. No such luck. My poor wife’s milk had still not come in yet, and the baby demon still had a hard time latching on thus she would scream bloody murder. Her screams are such soul crushing noises that remove all hope and happiness. Her inability to latch on made my dear wife feel inadequate and depressed. On top of which the aches and pains of labour were starting to kick in. I started feeling hatred towards our daughter for putting my wife in such a situation.

    She’s 22 days old now and I still feel no bond with our daughter. Now our screaming bundle of pain has reflux, meaning she has difficulty keeping milk down, oh joy, which means she gets really uncomfortable when she drinks so she starts screaming but she’s still hungry so she wants to drink but can’t so more intense, red-faced, lips quivering screams ensue. What’s worse is that we live with my in-laws who bang on our door every time the little puke screams as if we are trying to murder her. They take her away and she immediately goes quiet. And they proceed to lecture us on how to soothe a baby when she’s crying.

    I wanna scream at them ” Try looking after her the whole night, hoping for 30 minutes of sleep in between feeds, diaper changes, burping and keeping her upright so that she doesn’t throw up and then tell me how you feel.” I can’t stand people who say it’s normal and coo and soothe over the little she-demon and speak to me in particular in condescending tones on how to calm the little puke. They get her when she’s well fed and changed while my wife and I do all the dirty work, so of course she’s an angel when she’s with others.

    I think my daughter doesn’t like it when I hold her, I’ve tried singing to her, talking to her gently, rocking her back and forth, smiling and laughing at her but no dice. Plop her in my wife’s or in-laws hands and she goes to sleep instantly. This makes me resent her even more.

    The worst days are after pulling a 12 hour shift at work then coming back home to the little soul sucker. I can barely open my eyes as I type this out and I just needed a rant as my wife and family don’t seem to understand why I’m feeling this way. I hope things get better but as days go by it’s only getting harder.

  62. I have a newborn and its soooo hard. Its sooooo hard. I can’t get over how hard it is. I wish that it wasn’t so hard

  63. Very nice article. At least you helped your wife. Since we came home from the hospital it had been all me. I change all his diapers, i am always the one to feed him. I don’t know how i survived the first few months with barely any sleep, and no help with the baby. I always take care of the baby at night.
    I can barely get housework done because i always have the baby.
    Finding myself to be a little bitchy because of all this. I love my child so much but i never get a break. When i go to the store i always bring him with me. He is with me 24/7 and sometimes i just hate myself because i dont even get to enjoy anything anymore.

  64. I googled “newborns suck” and found this. Made me feel so much better in not feeling alone, knowing this behavior is fairly normal for newborns and mostly for making me cry laughing. Thanks for putting this out there, you’ve helped me more than I can put into words. I’ve forwarded it to all the new moms and dads I know and even those expecting just so down the line when they’re wondering “when does this get better” they can pull this up and have a laugh.

  65. Human babies are about the worst things on this fucking planet. I’ll never understand people’s desire to have one…
    There are 3+ year old children available for adoption everywhere… the problem years are already over for them.

  66. Thanks for this article. It gave me new power to go on. Being a first-time father is both beautiful and devastating; heaven and hell; utopia and dystopiaβ€”euphoric love contrasting feelings of hate back and forth in a single minute. And then the guilt kicks in for not always being euphoric.

    I take care of the baby in the daytime when my wife works (I work in the evenings). Our little boy is the cutest being on the planet, but still, after four months, the crying is often more than I can take. My responses keep getting better and more balanced, but it just isn’t easy.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I wish all the other guys who have this problem all the best.


  67. Thanks for the article. I was beginning to feel bad because sometimes I feel that I don’t like my son very much. While I love him to pieces, he is difficult, like most new borns. Glad I’m not the only one!

  68. Thanks man, you have just described my night trying to give my partner a break from our 9 week old. Almost verbatim including the lip quivering and 7 second delay complete anguish howl. Had to take him back to his mum after a miserable and deafening defeat, where of course, he went almost immediately into a clammy, needy sleep on her shoulder. I love you to pieces kid, but seriously get fucked.

  69. I’ll put it this way … in order for me to find this page, Google didn’t have to auto fill “I hate my crying baby.”

  70. Thank you so much, you capture the dichotomy of the newborn phase so perfectly. As a mother to a 4 week old and an 8 year old I naively thought this time around would be easier, however it is not. His father is wonderful and patient, however even he’s now completely exhausted and drained. I thought it was just us and perhaps I was doing something wrong to create demon newborns! For the record my 8 year old was a treacherous newborn also but by 3 months he was an angel and we had no terrible twos and he’s now a thoughtful, unique, funny, kind and well behaved boy so I’m hoping his little brother will follow in his footsteps! I applaud your honesty and you are truly talented in the art of writing. I’ll be reading your blogs during night time battles with the dark side πŸ˜‰
    Keep strong daddies, you’re doing amazing

  71. My 4 month old is just as bad as yours and he has a liver / heart condition which the docs have not been able to diagnose. He is getting heart surgery in a week. His temperament is hell and we’ve had 4 people always taking care and spoiling him. InLaws do not want to let him Cry it Out.

    Honestly I hate newborns and I hate mother nature, that’s just how I feel I don’t care what people say.

  72. Omg some great comments here. I am the Aunt of a new born and while it’s amazing that my sibling has a child and I have another blood relative – I honestly cannot stand the sight nor sound of the baby. I’ve never liked babies. Screaming and pooping are not cute to me. Every visit and holiday revolving around the baby is an annoyance. Pets being afraid of the baby is annoying. Having to pretend you enjoy holding the baby is annoying and the fear of being asked to babysit… lets not go there. I don’t care if the baby smiled because they just farted. I don’t care. You are not amazing humans because you created a life. Get over yourselves. Your baby is ugly. Bald. No teeth. Your baby stinks and is noisy. When the baby is older and can articulate a sentence and recognize people and appreciate life then I’ll be interested – until then … go away with your bundle of burden.

  73. Man did I need this. It’s 7.07 am and I have been dealing with this exact scenario since 1am. Wife is about ready to run away and I’m contemplating isolation. This really made me laugh and helped me through. Thanks!

  74. Both you and your “doctor” are fucking morons. You starve your baby and then come on here and bitch about the baby crying? wow.

  75. Thank you – I needed that! The way I look at it the newborn/larval stage is like the traffic you have to endure to get to that great holiday spot every year. The traffic makes you want to smash things, but it’s worth it in the end.

    So yeah, I won’t lie and say that I love my newborn: I don’t. But if experience is any guide I will love him when he eventually becomes a human, so all the unbearable shiftiness is worth it.

  76. “The only thing I hadn’t done was feed him, because our doctor said we were over-feeding him so we had to cut back”

    your own words you fuckn’ idiot.

  77. Im a first time dad, with a 6 day old boy. Im sitting here after just settling him, crying more than he does. Does this get easier? I have no emotional attachment too this baby i so desperately wanted and i feel so guilty. Reading through this and the replies has given me a glimmer of hope in a dark time. Thankyou

  78. I hate / love my newborn too. He is 2 months old now . Screams the same as the first day. I have never felt such level of horror being in my own skin for how much I cannot stand his screams. I thought i was tuff and had a full control of my feelings. I am never having kids again after this experience. i cannot wait for the date of my basectomy to come.

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