Hooch

When it comes to the movies I love, the more violence the better.

When the body count rises, so does my excitement. If the deaths are particularly gruesome, I’m even more riveted. When the “Saw” series came out I nearly wet myself. People are cutting each other’s stomachs open and digging through their entrails. They’re chopping off their own feet to escape a homicidal maniac. It’s graphic, it’s over the top and I enjoy every minute of it.

But while I’m perfectly pleased with 100 human beings graphically massacred over a 90 minute span, if I’m watching a movie in which a dog is killed, I will not watch it.

I was on the computer this morning checking a few things while MJ flipped through the channels. Without me realizing it, she settled on Turner & Hooch. So there I am, returning some e-mail and showing Will You Tube videos of laughing babies, when I realize what’s on. More than that, I realize it’s the end of the movie.

I scared the shit out of her as I sprang from my seat in front of the laptop, hurdled the couch, dove for the remote and changed the channel.

“OH MY GOD! Are you OK? What’s wrong? What happened??!!?” she asked.

“Hooch…” I panted breathlessly.

“What? Hooch? What’s Hooch?” she asked incredulously.

“Hooch…Tom Hanks’ dog…this is the scene where it dies…”

I know I sound like a giant vagina, but I can’t help it. I can watch people get torn apart and blown up all day long, but I absolutely will not watch a movie where a dog dies. I have the same reaction when those bastard Union soldiers shoot “Two Socks” the wolf. I mean Christ, Two Socks did NOTHING WRONG! He was just making sure Kevin Costner was OK. Because they were friends. Because…

Don’t even get me started on “I Am Legend” or (even though the book was 100 times better) “Marley & Me.” And I’m pretty sure I’ve managed to repress any memories of “Old Yeller” so far down into my psyche that I’ve now convinced myself I never saw it.

It’s just dogs. I don’t care about horses, pigs, spiders, etc. And if a cat is killed in a movie, I will tape it and re-watch it when I need a little cheering up. But if one of Man’s Best Friends meet an untimely ending on the silver screen, well…it gets a little dusty here on the Daddy Files homestead.

So here’s to hoping Hollywood continues to devalue human life, and leaves the damn dogs alone.

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9 thoughts on “Hooch

  1. I laughed during Titanic.

    Was damn near tears during Marley and Me (I am such a girl sometimes).

    I think you can guess where my sentiments lie.

  2. I had a problem with your second to the last paragraph. “It’s just dogs”. (I usually follow you thru GG, and I find you most ‘fascinating’) but that statement – “It’s just dogs… I want to comment on this. I have always loved animals. When I was small, I had a cat named ‘Cat’. I never knew she was female until she had “as I described when I was eight years old, a bunch of little erase heads as on my pencil on my bed next to my belly as I slept. Saying that, I was extremely allergic to cats. So as I grew older I switched to dogs. I have two yorkies. They are the BEST friends I have ever had. They roam the house during the day. (They are paper trained) But when they come into my bedroom at night to go “night-night” they put themselves on ‘guard patrol’. Whatever hour they sense danger, they raise their little heads and growl within their bellies. Of course, I sit up (freaking out) and acknowledge why they growled when they did. And I pet them on the head and say ‘It’s okay’. But to let you know… 2 out of 3 times, they acknowledged (humans or cars out of the norm) and I am so grateful for their senses. Watching “Marley” was too close to my connections with my two little ones. I am soo glad you are a “dog” lover. I try to explain to people that do not own pets. That they have ‘little heartbeats’ like human beings. Dogs are waay more intelligent than people know. I hear they have comprehension of up to 250 words. My babies (dogs) for other people) are extremely smart. So when your heart melted for “Marley” I know that you are my kind of people :) You are a caring man Daddy Files.

  3. Hey…we each have our soft spots. I am fond of dogs but not to the point in which you are. I am a total wimp and have a weak stomach and do not like the slasher movies. A total tool I am….I know. I don’t care that people or things get killed, I just do not want to see it! However my soft spot is for penguin eggs! I watched that damn March of the Penguins or that Earth special and when the two penguin parents just stood there when they lost the egg in transfer (see after the mother lays her egg, she goes to sea for months hunting for food. The males tend the eggs all winter, nestling them between their feet off of the ice. When the female returns, the male gently passes the egg to her…hoping it doesn’t land on the ice because it will practically freeze upon contact…..see it watched it) and they just stood there in shock. There was nothing they could do. The father froze his ass off all winter and the mother swam around hunting, dodging predators, just to bring back a little food for their baby and it was all for nothing. My heart broke for those damn penguins. Who knew! I am going to get my my pacifier and cuddle next to mommy because now I am sad! :)

  4. Oh, I can’t believe you even brought up “Old Yeller.” The emotional scars that movie caused me as a child are never, ever going to be healed!! My husband balls if he even thinks a dog is going to get killed on screen. I at least wait and see if they die before I break down ;)

  5. I don’t think you are alone on that one. A lot of people get much more choked up about dogs, my wife included. I have to say that I think Old Yeller is one of the all time cryers for guys. Marley and me was tough too.

  6. Jenn officially won’t watch “I Am Legend” ever again because of that one scene. I’m pretty sure if it had been up to her we would have walked out of the theater. As much as I really hate the part in movies where dogs die, I can still deal with it (and I’m a huge dog fan!) as long as it’s not the major point of the movie (like Turner and Hooch).

  7. I didn’t even make it thru Marley and Me. I started crying when they left him in the garage even though I’ve read the book and know something funny happened a few minutes later.

    The abandon abused animal commercials freak me out. I’ve screamed at Big K from across the room, drove for the remote and turned the channel. It just twists my guts.

  8. I hate those commercials. The ones with Sarah MacLaughlan’s sad music playing the background as they show abused dogs. That freaking kills me. I make MJ turn the channel too.

    I have no idea how I can be so emotional about the dogs, yet I swear to you on my son’s good name that if I could get away with murdering our cats, I’d do it in a heartbeat!

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