When it comes to the movies I love, the more violence the better.
When the body count rises, so does my excitement. If the deaths are particularly gruesome, I’m even more riveted. When the “Saw” series came out I nearly wet myself. People are cutting each other’s stomachs open and digging through their entrails. They’re chopping off their own feet to escape a homicidal maniac. It’s graphic, it’s over the top and I enjoy every minute of it.
But while I’m perfectly pleased with 100 human beings graphically massacred over a 90 minute span, if I’m watching a movie in which a dog is killed, I will not watch it.
I was on the computer this morning checking a few things while MJ flipped through the channels. Without me realizing it, she settled on Turner & Hooch. So there I am, returning some e-mail and showing Will You Tube videos of laughing babies, when I realize what’s on. More than that, I realize it’s the end of the movie.
I scared the shit out of her as I sprang from my seat in front of the laptop, hurdled the couch, dove for the remote and changed the channel.
“OH MY GOD! Are you OK? What’s wrong? What happened??!!?” she asked.
“Hooch…” I panted breathlessly.
“What? Hooch? What’s Hooch?” she asked incredulously.
“Hooch…Tom Hanks’ dog…this is the scene where it dies…”
I know I sound like a giant vagina, but I can’t help it. I can watch people get torn apart and blown up all day long, but I absolutely will not watch a movie where a dog dies. I have the same reaction when those bastard Union soldiers shoot “Two Socks” the wolf. I mean Christ, Two Socks did NOTHING WRONG! He was just making sure Kevin Costner was OK. Because they were friends. Because…
Don’t even get me started on “I Am Legend” or (even though the book was 100 times better) “Marley & Me.” And I’m pretty sure I’ve managed to repress any memories of “Old Yeller” so far down into my psyche that I’ve now convinced myself I never saw it.
It’s just dogs. I don’t care about horses, pigs, spiders, etc. And if a cat is killed in a movie, I will tape it and re-watch it when I need a little cheering up. But if one of Man’s Best Friends meet an untimely ending on the silver screen, well…it gets a little dusty here on the Daddy Files homestead.
So here’s to hoping Hollywood continues to devalue human life, and leaves the damn dogs alone.