How Not to Get Pregnant

Sometimes, as a journalist, we run across stories that seem too strange to actually be true. Click here for just such a story.

The reader’s digest version is two married women in western Massachusetts got into an altercation when Stepanie Lighten came home “all liquored up” and tried to impregnate her wife, Jennifer, by threatening to inject her with a turkey baster filled with Stephanie’s brother’s sperm.

Wow.

As a parent, this story makes me want to light myself on fire. But as a journalist, it makes me positively giddy. It was actually written by a guy who I replaced at the Cape Cod Times when I started here in 2006. And as you might’ve guessed, it’s been picked up nationally by many media outlets.

Can you imagine being in a relationship where you’re afraid to fall asleep because you fear your significant other is going to sneak into your room while you’re slumbering, hike up your skirt and fill you up with her relative’s semen in an attempt to get pregnant?!? I thought MJ and I were trashy because Will was most likely conceived in Vermont while hiking part of the Appalachian Trail with campers a few hundred feet away. But can you imagine trying to tell the story of how your baby was conceived if it happened via turkey baster injection???

And seriously, how did she get her brother’s sperm? This is a question that needs answering. And you have to read closely, but did you catch the sentence that read “Police also confiscated the container of semen and some aluminum foil, which was originally used to hold the semen.” Seriously?? The semen was originally in aluminum foil? How is there no further explanation for that??? I need to know more about the brother, his semen and how his sister ended up procuring it. In fact, if these people had a reality TV show I’d be watching every single episode!

I want to know more. I want to know if they’re going to stay together after this. I hope they do, because if this happened once I imagine it’ll only be better when trouble strikes a second time. And really, is this the first case of domestic assault and battery where semen and a turkey baster was involved. I need statistics dammit!

To be fair, I’ve done some stupid things after a night of drinking. Most of us have. But who among us — even in our most inebriated state — would ever try to pull of a stealth impregnation with a turkey baster and a relative’s baby batter?

This is why truth is, was and always will be, stranger than fiction!

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4 thoughts on “How Not to Get Pregnant

  1. Wow. I don’t even know what to say to that. Ummm, Glad I’m not eating thanksgiving at their house?

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