I Hate It When…

This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

It’s Friday and I’m feeling a little frisky and rambunctious, so here’s a list of things and people who bother me. So without further ado, I hate it when:

— Someone (and since we live on Cape Cod it’s usually an elderly woman) walks up to Will and says “Ooh look at his double chin. He’s so pudgy. What a little butterball.” Excuse me, but did you just walk up to my son and comment on how fat he is? Tell you what? How about I do the same for you. It would go something along the lines of “Oooh, look at you with your old skin and liverspots. And you’re a stinky old gal aren’t you? Do you and my son wear the same brand of diaper? Now how about you go get in your Grand Marquis and drive 20 MPH on the highway?!”

— People drive like morons when I have Will in the car. Look, I still drive fast but I drive responsibly too. So this morning on Route 28 — which is a 55 MPH road — some douchebag in a Volvo is right on my ass even though I’m doing 70. Then he pulls around into the right lane, speeds up to 85 or so, and cuts in front of me only to find he can’t go anywhere because traffic is heavy. Well, I hope that manuveur was worth it buddy. You’re now one full car length ahead of where you were. Congratulations, even though you just endangered my son’s life you’re now going to get to your destination 3 seconds sooner than if you had stayed put and driven like a normal human being. Let’s just say he got the one-finger salute.

— Someone in a restaurant, grocery store or any other public place tries to give me advice on how to take care of my child. Either it’s “He’s cold, you should put a blanket on him” or “I can’t believe you give him a pacifier, those aren’t good for him you know?” I don’t know what is wrong with these people or why they feel the need to give me unsolicited advice, but how can they not realize how rude they are being? From now on I’m just going to not-so-politely tell them to mind their own business and point out they can probably do a little work on themselves before offering up their crappy advice to me.

— Anyone says the following things to me about Will, because I’ve now heard each of them thousands of times.
“Wow, he hasn’t missed too many meals huh?” No, he hasn’t. I’m a little funny in that I don’t like to starve my child. Moron.
“Oh he’s gonna be as big as his daddy.” Really? So you’ve not only called my baby fat, now you’re starting in on me? Watch yourself.
“I think you’re overfeeding him.” How the hell do you know? If a baby is hungry, he should eat. You can’t really overfeed him at this point so shut your mouth.
“Look at him, he’s so beautiful.” Well, OK…I still like hearing that one!

— Someone will invariably ask us when we’re planning on having the next one. First of all, that’s none of your business and it’s a little personal don’t you think? I mean, isn’t that the same thing as asking “So, when are you going to have intercourse with your wife and launch your sperm inside of her in the hopes of planting your seed in her belly?” I’m still getting a grasp on taking care of one kid, what makes you think we’re even contemplating adding another one to the mix right now? And more than that, where would I put this child. We live in a two-bedroom condo that can barely contain three people, two dogs and two cats. And since we bought the place in 2005 right before the housing market went into the toilet, there’s no way we can sell it. So how about we strike a deal? Since you’re so worried about me impregnating my wife again, how about you front me the down payment on a new house and then we’ll talk about more kids.

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2 thoughts on “I Hate It When…

  1. Hahahahahahahahaaaaa!! I can relate to all of those! There is something about babies that makes other people think it’s ok to dole out their advice, at random, to perfect strangers. For me, it started while I was still pregnant. People seem to think it’s ok to lay their nasty hands all a strangers belly just because there’s a baby inside. That pissed me off so much I grabbed a womans breast one day and started commenting on it after she had put her hands on my stomach. She was, of course, outraged. Bet she’ll think twice in the future.

    No one wants to be ‘rude’ to these people so the behavior continues, unchecked. They’re the ones that are stepping over the line and I think you should start letting them know that! LOL

  2. Oh man, too funny….one time I had David in a carseat in the way it’s supposed to be in the grocery store carriage and she was plainly rude saying “Do you think you should have him in there all sticking out like that!?”
    I said, “do you think thats any of your business?”

    And I huffed off…and gave her several dirty looks.
    It started early with this pregnancy…I’ve gained hardly any weight in comparison. So when someone in front of everyone at a kids’ birthday party shouted, not commented, SHOUTED “ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT HAVING TRIPLETS OR SOMETHING!?”

    WHAT! I was 6 months pregnant and my baby is perfectly normal size and I had gained 10 lbs…WHERE DO THEY GET OFF!!!

    I honestly, think you just have to realize, they DON’T get it! Most of the comments come from people who raised their babies 40 years ago and FORGET that things change….even in three years they change…and no one is going to die from a pacifier, or if they don’t poop in the potty by the age of 2. Most times people make these comments because THEY are insecure or intolerant to new or different parenting styles. What makes you a better parent is when you say to yourself that you are confident enough to get through this unsolicated advice that everyone gives (including myself) and brush it off!!! You are both doing a great job! Someday yu’ll find yourself biting your tongue when you see someone with their baby doing something you never would have done etc…

    But every baby is different, every parent is different…we all do the best we can…(except the dead beat parents, but they don’t count.)

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