It Finally Feels Real

I’ve known MJ was pregnant for nearly three months now, but it wasn’t until today that it hit me:

We’re having a baby!

I know this sounds horrible, but there have been several occasions since early April that I forgot MJ was pregnant.  And the reason I didn’t remember is because I was sure — I mean POSITIVE — this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. So ultimately I convinced myself not to get my hopes up because it wouldn’t work out.

It’s not because I don’t want another kid. I absolutely do. It’s just that before we had Will we went through two miscarriages. Two different times we got excited, got our hopes up, told friends and family, picked out names, etc. And both times we had to go through the devastation of breaking the bad news to everyone and having our optimism smashed into a million tiny pieces.

MJ took it really hard and I wanted to be there for her. To be strong while she wasn’t. So I just put all those feelings away. I told myself it wasn’t even really a baby yet. Just a collection of cells. No big loss really. Of course this is all bullshit, but you do what you gotta do.

But the unintended byproduct of going through that is it absolutely ruins the news of a pregnancy the second time around.

When MJ told me in April I celebrated outwardly and said/did all the right things. But inside all I was thinking was “keep your distance.” If you lower your expectations it doesn’t hurt as much when things don’t work out. And so that’s exactly what I did. To the point that I actually forgot she was pregnant at least twice.

But today all that changed.

MJ is 13 weeks pregnant and we had an ultrasound and blood work today to look for any genetic abnormalities. My heart raced as the ultrasound tech put the jelly on MJ’s stomach and prepared for a look-see. I told myself not to be surprised when there was no movement, no heartbeat. I readied myself for MJ’s breakdown. For the disappointment that would haunt us for months. For the mourning of what should have been.

“And there’s your baby,” she said. “And right there, that flashing, that’s the heartbeat.”

Holy shit.

The head, the little hands, the feet and a perfectly healthy beating heart. All there. Moving around, looking like a creepy little holographic alien. Or in other words, everything is normal. And that’s when I realized this baby is a go. A green light. It’s on!

I know it’s still possible that things could go wrong, but at this point the doctors said we’re largely out of the woods as far miscarriages go. Which means I can concentrate on this baby and all the wonderful things in store for us. I’m really, really excited.

And although it’s too early to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl, this kid was incredibly stubborn and refused to move for the ultrasound tech. Specifically, the kid would not — under any circumstances — spread his/her legs.

Must be a girl. Just like her mother!

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