It Takes Balls to Blog

I went for a jog on a new bike path near my house. The dog and I cranked out nearly three miles, simultaneously dragging each other along at different points during the run. But as we did our cool down walk toward the end of our jaunt, we ran into someone. Almost literally.

There was this guy, probably 45-50 years old, riding a bike. The end of the bike path is a street with a railroad crossing, and this guy was riding on the street past the entrance to the path. As you might expect from a railroad crossing, there are — you know — railroad tracks across the road. While that seems like common sense to you and I, intelligent readers, Mr. Bike Man seemed to be unaware.

Not more than two feet away from me, he never slowed down and he careened wildly over the tracks in the street. His front wheel hit a rut and he went from riding at a good clip to a screeching halt. And since every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the bike may have stopped but Mr. Bike Man kept going. The back end of the bike kicked way up while the front wheel stayed still. Mr. Bike Man was catapulted forward, over the handlebars which went between his legs. And it was then, while he was in mid-air, that I heard it.

“EEEEEEKAHHHHOOOOOOOO!”

It was a combination scream/squeak/sound of terror. It was a sound I’ve heard from my 8-year-old female cousin when she saw a spider. I don’t blame the guy, he (and I) thought he was in for a mortal wipeout right there on County Road in Falmouth. But thankfully Fate was looking out for him. He actually ended up landing on his feet, while his bicycle did a full flip and landed just inches away from him. It was actually kind of impressive.

Now keep in mind, I was just standing there waiting to cross the road with my dog when all of this happened right in front of my face. I just stood there in open-mouthed disbelief hardly believing what I Just saw. I should’ve immediately asked him if he was OK, but my mind hadn’t processed the series of events that just took place.

He looked at me and saw I was the only one around. Then he picked up his bike, nodded at me, and rode away. Finally I was able to speak.

“Dude!” I yelled as he furiously pedaled away. “Are you OK? That was friggin awesome!”

He never looked back. And it wasn’t because of his near wipeout. It was because of the girlish shriek he emitted.

And that’s when I realized something: Mr. Bike Man could never be a blogger. I know what you’re thinking: what does some douchebag who nearly killed himself on a Schwinn have to do with blogging? The answer is: a lot!

In my short stint as an Internet scribe, I’ve learned that you can’t hold back. People want truth, and raw truth at that. They want you to let them in to your weird little world. They want honesty and forthrightness. And readers (that’s you all fine folks) know when you’re holding back. Hell, if that were me I would’ve laughed hysterically with any onlooker who witnessed my Evil Knievel impression. And then I would’ve told you all about it. Even if the seat ended up lodged right in my fat ass, I would’ve spared no detail. Because you, my faithful following, deserve to know the intricacies of my posterior.

But seriously, that’s why I love bloggers. They’re not afraid to put themselves out there, even at the risk of looking stupid. Everyone does humiliating things and ends up looking like a moron, but only the brave and self-deprecating ones use their own misery to uplift and entertain the masses.

And besides, non-bloggers like Mr. Bike Man end up with their stories posted for the world to see anyways because people like me are lurking out there. Waiting patiently to document your embarrassment.

So how about it my brothers and sisters? Leave me a comment detailing something stupid or embarrassing you’ve done lately and let’s all celebrate our stupidity together.

Unlike boring Mr. Bike Man.

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16 thoughts on “It Takes Balls to Blog

  1. Ok, before you can tell it…

    Two nights ago my visiting aunt was here, and Grandson Will had to sleep in our room because his regular room was being used. To avoid waking him, I got dressed in the dark and took my aunt to the airport in Providence at 4 am. At 6 am she called me to come pick her up because she got bumped and needed to go to Logan. At 9:30 I got to work, looked down at my feet (which are getting harder to see these days) and noticed I was wearing one brown shoe, and one black shoe. Pictures were taken by my office staff.

  2. Thanks for reminding me of why I began blogging and giving me the push I needed to continue blogging regardless of readers/viewers/commenters!

    Funny Story . . . . .One winter I was scraping my driver’s side window and then BAM I slipped on the ice sending me right under the car, seriously right under. I, of course, looked around to see if anyone had witnessed this idiotic event and thankfully no one did.

  3. Not to be a nit-picking fault finder but…

    The bike stopping and Bike Man continuing on has nothing to do with equal and opposite reaction…that is inertia…an object at rest will stay at rest and an object in motion will stay in motion unless an outside force acts upon it.

    As for me looking stupid…that would be a whole new blog in itself.

  4. I do so many stupid things, I can’t think of a recent one! However, I think my MOST embarassing moment was flying home on leave from Guam several years ago. Myself and several Aussies got snot-slinging drunk on the flight (12 hours to Hawaii). Drank in Hawaii, four hours to San Francisco. I was in a black mini skirt, red tank top and red heels. As I approached BAGGAGE CLAIM in San Francisco, one of the flight attendants stopped me to tell me that one side of my skirt was neatly tucked into my panty hose….I had just 1/2 mooned an entire flight and airport…

  5. I tried to unlock the door at work with the remote for my truck last week.

    HAC developed an affordable complex called Kimber Woods. We’ve been working on it for years. I hear the name on a constant basis. For some reason it wasn’t until I was printing the programs for the dedication ceremony that I realized it was named for a board member and long time associate of the agency. I got clowned on to the point that even the VP came out of his office to point out the picture of the board member that’s been hanging on the wall for years now like I don’t know who he is. I just never made the mental connection, lol.

  6. Guns: I’m sorry but we’ll need photographic evidence of the mooning. Official Daddy Files rules and regulations. I’m sure you understand.

    And Chelsea: Thank you Mrs. Wizard. :-P That’s why I’m an English major!

  7. LOL…I’m sure they’re out there. Which reminds me: When I read your bio, I had to laugh out loud. My husband had to pump my breasts while I was driving down I-5 in California. Forgot to pack the milk and our son was HUNGRY!!!

  8. You want my mosst embarassing moments? But I hardly know you. Actually there are too many to mention. How about sliding off the ski lift chair only to land flat on my back. They had to stop the ski lift, help me up and get me out of the way. The kicker? It was summer and I wasn’t wearing skis. It was a summer tour of the mountain. I felt like I had a whole mountain full of people laughing at me.

  9. Ok. This is a huge step. I really wanted to put my name as anonymous. I am sure this will not sound as embarassing to all of you, but I assure you that in the moment, I truly wanted to DIE!!!

    I was probably 17 and my older sister invited me to a party with the people she works with at Fidelity Investments (read: sophisticated). For reasons I won’t bother going into, I did not have underwear on. I was wearing a long black knit skirt, the kind with an all elastic waistband. About three hours into the party, I had been sitting on the floor, and went to stand up. My feet got caught in the skirt, and in that flash of a secod, I knew that I was either going to a. fall flat on my face or b. stand up but the skirt was not going to go with me. The quick decision was that it would be less of a scene to just stand up even though my feet were standing on the skirt, so when I stood up, the skirt stayed on the foor. I very quickly (and hoped discretely) pulled my freakin skirt up. I then very casually walked over to my sister and said, “we need to leave. NOW”. She of course asked if everything was OK, and I said “we just need to leave”. As we left I could not help but notice 2 grown man in the corner basically pissing themselves, laughing so hard. I told my sister what happened in the car. She of course, could not stop laughing at me. AND she was kind enough to let me know that the first thing that happened at work on Monday morning, was one of those men strolling over to her, asking her if I was single, and why didn’t I wear underwear. Twelve years later, this story still comes up. Often.

  10. Ok, me and my guy went to the backroom of the joke shop on main st. (the adult section for you off capers) We picked out a…well a ring that doesn’t go on your hand. So we follow protocol (because I shop there enough to know, lol) and put it in a brown paper bag to bring it back out front and pay for it. The guy at the register looks in the bag, looks at my man, looks at me and says “sooo, it’s true what they say about black men” I actually felt my face go 4 sheds of red. Even through my mortification I still laughed all the way home.

  11. We all surely know that you never hold anything back. That is why we all like you. I admitted to being a pretty boy on my blog which you have reminded me about time and time again.

  12. Well, every time I leave my house or write a blog post, I do/write something that would embarras most folks. The difference is that I find it funny when I do stupid shit.

    Oh, and I could not agree more about the holding back blogging community. Boring!!!!

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