It’s Fucking Football!

I have been attending New England Patriots games for approximately 25 of my 31 years on this Earth.

The Patriots’ old stadium was a piece of shit. It was a dilapidated amalgamation of concrete and misery. We peed in troughs instead of urinals. Some of us pissed in the sinks. Our bodies ached from sitting on cold, aluminum benches with no backs. But the pain was nothing compared to the many years of watching our beloved Patriots get their asses whooped.

Because the games were often so godawful, the tickets were still affordable. I can remember our seats (11 rows from the field in the end zone) being $18 a game. So you had real fans. Blue collar, drunk, passionate football fans. Salt of the Earth guys who were funny as hell, colorful beyond compare and hardy as they come. They were rude, crude and awesome.

And holy cow did they swear.

Everything I needed to know about vulgarity I learned at football games. The F-word was thrown around just as often as the pigskin, and I still vividly remember hearing Dan Marino called a “whiny fucking baby,” John Elway called a “dickless cocksucker” and Jim Kelly a “fucking pussy bitch.”

The best thing I ever heard was one guy — who we called Blue Face — yell to Doug Flutie during a Bills game. He said “Hey Flutie, I have your Christmas card. It says your sister’s a fuckin’ whore!”

I know what some of you are thinking.

You’re thinking that’s horrible. You’re thinking none of that is funny at all. And, as parents, you’re probably also thinking that my dad is nuts for taking a small, impressionable child to a place where drunk, crazy people yell expletives at one another. And you probably think all of that is completely inappropriate and has no place at a professional sporting event.

If that’s the case, you’d love going to a Patriots game at Gillette Stadium these days.

The house that Bob Kraft built is big, beautiful and spotless. The bathrooms have urinals now. No one pees in the sink anymore. Well, one guy did but I think they took his season tickets away. The concourses are wider, no one throws beer on opposing fans and the Blue Faces of the old Patriots world were priced out of their seats in 2002. In fact, if I had to choose one word to define a day spent watching the Patriots at Gillette, it would be “sanitary.”

I hate the people who sit in front of us. I mean I really hate them. And they hate me.

I know none of you will believe this, but I’m loud when I watch a game. I yell a lot. And I swear. I swear profusely. Unfortunately I sit in front of yuppie, wannabe dicks who think being a devoted fan means buying the latest Patriots leather jacket. And when I come to a game, they do nothing but roll their eyes and bitch at me. Unfortunately I have no back-up, because I’m surrounded by yuppies now because real fans can no longer afford to attend.

But today, when the Patriots played the Ravens, I had some support.

These three young guys sat next to me and they were great. They were drunk, they were pumped up and they were funny. Swearing up a storm, cheering on our team, I briefly had flashbacks of happier times. We high-fived, we cursed freely and we watched as the Patriots knocked off the Ravens in overtime.

But not before the soccer mom in front of us tried to squash all the fun.

I saw her getting frustrated with our cheering, which only made me cheer louder and harder. Finally she snapped. She turned around and said “Stop it! Stop it right now! I’m tired of the yelling, and I’m tired of the swearing. I don’t want to hear ‘fuck’ and ‘pussy’ anymore. Cut it out NOW!”

The guys looked taken aback but they kept their cool. One of the guys told her no problem and she turned around with a smug smile on her face. My blood boiled while I entertained the thought of an errant football striking her in the face. Just as I was gearing up to unleash on the Fun Police, one of the guys leaned down and asked what the woman had just said.

“She told us not to swear, and not to say fuck and pussy anymore,” one guy said with a smirk.

“Really? Wow. Well why the fuck not? What’s the big fucking problem? Doesn’t she know this is a fucking football game? Why is she being such a pussy?”

I laughed so hard I spit bits of my sausage on the dicks in front of me. I was laughing so hard it was more of a howl than anything. I gave each one of those guys a hug because in that moment, I fucking loved them. I’m pretty sure security made them leave in the fourth quarter because the no fun twat likely called the stadium cops on them, but I appreciate their sacrifice.

There were no kids around, we were all adults. And guess what? IT’S A FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME. People swear at a football game. It is a game built on violence in which fans actively root for grown men to hit each other as hard as they can. It is a uniquely American game that is defined — from the fan perspective — by male bonding, grilling meat and consuming way too much beer.

So if i want to call Joe Flacco a noodle-armed pussy or yell at Ray Lewis because he’s a murdering degenerate fuckwad who I hope has his legs broken, I’m going to. This is football, not chess. And when you come to an NFL game you should expect to hear foul language. You should know you’re going to be around drunk people. Those people should never get violent or out of hand (except if they’re roughing up an opposing team’s fan, then all is fair), but they should be allowed to curse. To yell. To get into the spirit of things.

Because if not, you get Gillette Stadium. You get a bunch of rich, quiet pricks who have no idea what it’s like to be a real football fan. People say there’s no real home field advantage at Gillette and they’re right. That’s because security guards come around and tell us to watch our language. Do you fucking believe that shit?? If I want to tell Tom Brady that he should cut his pansy hair because he looks like fucking Justin Bieber crossed with a Jonas brother, I should be able to do that dammit. And I shouldn’t have to worry about the caviar-eating, bandwagon-hopping, yuppie piece of shit in front of me getting offended.

Because IT’S FUCKING FOOTBALL. You got that you shit-eating motherfucking douchebags??

The Eagles have a homefield advantage because Philly fans, while ultimately deplorable, are fucking lunatics. Some Raiders fans are nuts, as are a good faction of Jets fans. Steelers too. And while I defecate on anyone who doesn’t root for the almighty Patriots, I respect those who realize “fan” is short for “fanatic.” Can you imagine Eagles fans being told to watch their mouths during a game? No, you can’t. And why not? Because it would never fucking happen. They are left to do what they do without sanitizing the fan experience to the point that we’re all like Indianapolis fans, who are so unfailingly polite I wanted to destroy all of them.

If you don’t like all the swearing and the NFL experience in general, stay the fuck home. No one wants you at the stadium.

Fuck.

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12 thoughts on “It’s Fucking Football!

  1. Yeah, it’s sad that the last game I got drunk at and got into it with opposing fans was Cleveland. I don’t want to have to move there.

  2. Nice cheap shot. Anyway, even we are being forced to tone ourselves down. Yuppies are bringing their kids to Phillies, Flyers, and Eagles games. Curse or be “rowdy” and security comes. It’s an epidemic

  3. No! Say it ain’t so Philly Fan.

    I’ve watched the Patriots play at a lot of places. Pittsburgh (both Heinz & Three Rivers), the Meadowlands, the Coliseum, Fed-Ex Field, Tampa Bay’s old stadium, Cleveland, the RCA Dome in Indy and Buffalo. But I never went to the Vet or the Link, and that’s for a reason. They’re the only fans I’m genuinely nervous about rooting for my team in my usual fashion. And I don’t begrudge them, I respect the hell out of them. Home field is an advantage because it’s supposed to be a tough place to play on the road. A truly hostile environment.

    Sad to see even Philly angst is going the way of the Dodo.

  4. That’s the POINT of going to a game! To yell and swear.. But I’ll tell ya, having a family with life long season tickets to Eagles games, they aren’t so much fun anymore. Our seats are first row in the end zone, where the ‘fru fru’ people sit. And they will bust you outta the stadium for being too ‘foul’. But if you sit up in what we call ‘the old 300′s’ you better be prepared for some of the most foul mouthed old school Eagles fans.

    Football just isn’t what it used to be. Too many fucking pussies claiming their fans, when they’re not.

  5. bubblewench: Ugh, that’s sad to hear. My dad has season tickets in the end zone and historically that’s where the hardcore crazies used to sit. I don’t think there’s a rabid bunch of fans anywhere in Gillette. The Patriots are so quick to strip you of your season tickets for the slightest thing that everyone is scared.

  6. The sterilization of football IS an epidemic. I’m a Pats fan living in Texas. I’ve been to the old Texas Stadium-which I believe you also described as concrete and misery. I haven’t been to Cowboys Stadium, which long-time Cowboy fans refer to as “The Death Star”. Death being the operative word. Death of the salty fans, death of tailgating, no more signs, props and the like. It’s a corporate environment. It was built for the olympics. It’s a state-of-the-art fun-suck. My husband said the same of Fed-Ex field. The Redskins moved the stadium out of the city, ripping the heart and soul out of football. You dont GOLF CLAP in football! You scream, stomp and swear, right? Thats how i remember football. I grew up too far from Foxborough to ever go to a Pats game (and too poor), but still hope to get there one day, and yes…I DO intend to swear.

  7. What the fuck? Seriously?!? It’s a public place- freedom of speech is implied. That includes all the fucks, shits, cocksuckers, and any other random curse words you care to spew. I probably wouldve told the lady to shut the fuck up. When I sit at home watching the Colts play with 5 kids under twelve listening, don’t think I censor myself for a second. They know that what they hear come out of my mouth isn’t appropriate for them to say. You don’t wanna hear cursing, then stay at home. Where there is football, there is passion. And where there is passion, there is fucking. Just sayin.

  8. Wow. I agree 100%. Please stop making so much sense, I’d hate to think I agree with a Colts fan! ;-)

    But just for the record, it’s not a public place. The Kraft family owns Gillette Stadium, it was paid for with their private money. Legally they have the right to boot you out of there at their discretion, so freedom of speech kind of goes out the window. At least if you want to keep your tickets.

  9. Yeah, don’t agree with me 100%, cuz then I, a simple Colts fan, might know a thing or two!

  10. Jesus. Soccer mom, go to section 225 or 238 and shut the fuck up. If you’re not in a family friendly section, expect it to get rowdy. It’s fuckin’ FOOTBALL.

  11. You are so fucking right! I hate going to games anymore because people are so uptight. Did I also mention that I was a Lions fan, so the searing is usually done at one of our own guys. However, even the guy with the stick shoved up his ass the farthest will still call our version of the anit-Christ, Matt Millen, a fucking doushebag dicklicker! Have fun at the games, and try not to choke on your turkey on Thanksgiving when the Lions shock your beloved Pats!!!

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