Will loves dinosaurs. Loves them. So when one of our very generous family members saw a dinosaur egg toy in a store they bought it for Will. He was out of his mind with excitement. And why wouldn’t he be? It looks like a real dinosaur egg that you put in water. Then a little dinosaur grows to four times its size and eventually hatches out of the egg. Is that not friggin cool as hell??
Well…let me tell you what common sense should’ve told me in the first place.
The idea of this toy is very, very awesome. What kid wouldn’t want their own dinosaur, and to watch it be born. Hell, I was excited about it. So excited, in fact, I forgot to read the fine print. So it was only after I worked Will into a frenzy and put the dinosaur egg in water that I looked at the box and saw something troubling:
“Within 24-48 hours, the dinosaur will crack through the egg and grow larger.”
For those of you who don’t have kids or have never been around a 3-year-old, let’s just say instant gratification is of the utmost importance. There is no patience with kids this age. They need things and they need it now. That’s to say nothing of their gnat-like attention span, which can only be described as ADD on crack.
After a whole 30 seconds underwater, Will turned to me and said “Where’s the dinosaur Dada?”
I’m a dumb parent. Mainly because I usually tell my son the truth even when he won’t like it and we’ll suffer for it. So I just flat out told him it takes a whole day or two for the dinosaur to be born. But I assured him that if he just put it out of his mind, went to bed and checked on it the next morning there would probably be some progress.
I should’ve lied to him.
He threw a mental fit and demanded the dino’s birth. I tried to distract him with food, candy and other shiny objects but unfortunately Will picked this moment to focus all of his energy on one thing. And he refused to move. I can’t get him to sit still when it’s time to eat, brush his teeth or get dressed. Yet he was glued to his chair for a good hour—nose inches from the glass—intently watching for any movement from his dinosaur egg.
It was right about that time I cursed whoever the sick bastard was who invented this thing (Jim Henson by the way), because this is not a kiddie toy. It’s kiddie torture. It’s like telling a kid who just go this driver’s license that he can drive a brand new Corvette. But then you hold onto the keys and park it right in the driveway for a few days, not letting him get behind the wheel.
When he finally hatched it was cool and Will liked it, but then I realized the dinosaur shrinks after he’s out of the water. So now I’ve tortured my son for two days with a toy he can’t touch, and then when I do let him play with the dinosaur it goes all Benjamin Button on us and starts withering away to nothing.
If you’re keeping score at home, that’s a a whiny kid for 48 hours, a happy kid for 45 minutes and back to an inconsolable kid wondering why his dinosaur is sick and shrinking even though it was just born.
Thanks a lot Jim Henson, you muppet bastard!