Since becoming a parent, I’ve read many articles about taking care of kids. And the one thing they all seem to have in common: Lists!
“10 Ways to Raise a Healthier Child,” “Top 5 Parenting Mistakes,” and “100,000 Things You’re Not Allowed To Do if You’re Pregnant!” Anything you need to know about being a parent, just check out the latest list and you’ll find it.
So obviously, I need to come out with some sort of useful list. The only problem is all the lists I’ve seen are aimed at making people better parents. They give you a helpful series of suggestions so you can improve yourself and impress your significant other with your progress. That’s all well and good, except that I’m no expert and therefore I can’t, in good faith, offer people advice on how to be a good father. That’d be like homeschooled kids writing a book about making friends (sorry, couldn’t resist!).
So what’s a guy like me to do when he desperately wants to conform to the list making world, but doesn’t feel he can offer enough positive advice?
He creates a list of WHAT NOT TO DO, that’s what!
Now while I may not be an expert on how to do things well, I’m a goddamn authority on screwing up. So without further ado, I present to you the “Daddy Files Top 9 Ways To Make Sure You’ll Never Get Sex!” Why 9? Because it’s my list, that’s why! If you want a nice round number make your own damn list. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I couldn’t think of a 10th item for the list OK?!?!
And yes, MJ helped mightily in creating this:
1) Be sure to always scratch yourself in front of her. This seems to be the biggest pet peeve of all of the women surveyed in the creation of this list (ie MJ). I don’t pretend to know why this is such a turn-off. It’s just us guys in our natural state. Our boys have been cooped up all day, so when we get home we like to let things air out. And c’mon…what’s sexier for a woman than coming out of the bathroom and seeing a guy in his underwear feverishly scratching himself, winking at her and asking her if she feels like having a go round?
2) Sneak up behind her and let the dry humping begin. Here’s another one I don’t quite understand, but I can tell you that if you do it, ain’t no way you’re getting some that night. While guys may think what we’re doing qualifies as displaying our unbridled passion, it seems the fairer sex has some sort of weird hang up when it comes to being humped like a dog that found a fire hydrant.
3) Always be sure to burp or fart as much as possible. Sure this sounds crass at face value, but when your guy does this in front of you it just means he’s comfortable with you. Sure it may smell bad, but it’s actually a malodorous compliment. You can try to spin all the old excuses (“I was just trying to keep you warm under the covers” & “I’m so full of love for you I just can’t keep it all in”), but it’s a virtual guarantee that if you expel the bodily gas, it’s the sex on which she’ll pass.
4) Criticize her and nitpick after she’s taken care of the baby all day. Nothing says “Let’s get busy” like a passive agressive comment about a messy house after she’s run errands and taken care of the kid all day. If you’d like to tag extra time onto your blossoming Sexless Streak, ask her when was the last time she’s been to the gym and mention your laundry still waiting to be done.
5) Sit on the couch watching TV while she cooks, feeds the baby and cleans. Sure you’ve worked all day and you think that entitles you to some couch time a la Al Bundy from Married With Children. So by all means, have a seat and enjoy yourself. Extra points if you snipe at her for walking in front of the TV while she’s vacuuming and asking her if dinner’s ready yet. But don’t be surprised when you’re feeling saucy later on and she’s giving you the one finger salute.
6) Clip your toenails in the kitchen or in bed. Just know that not only will you not get sex, you also run the risk of her grabbing the clippers from you and stabbing you repeatedly.
7) Act inappropriately whenever possible. When she’s changing or showering, you may see her taking off clothes and become excited. To guys it’s simple: Nakedness = Sex. It doesn’t matter that she’s running 20 minutes late and trying like hell to get out the door. If you happen to look over and catch a glimpse, be sure to yell “BOOBIES!!” and sprint in her direction, hands outreached in a grabbing motion. Drooling while you grope her is extra seductive.
8) Surprise her with a strip tease after you watched The Full Monty and came up with a choreographed strip routine that you practiced for weeks except she laughs hysterically at you while you’re spinning around that damn stripper pole you installed because you thought it would be sexy but instead it’s just terribly painful and now you realize you have the upper body strength of an 11-year-old girl… Sorry, I’m still a little traumatized by this one. Let’s just move on.
9) Casually mention how fun it would be to “add a third party” to your bedroom antics. Apparently women are selfish and get easily offended at your desire to expand your sexual horizons. And just know that women are also petty and more intelligent than us, so don’t be surprised if this backfires and the “third party” ends up being her 6’4″ masseuse named Sven.