Look what hath sprung forth from my loins!!!

This post also appeared on www.capecodonline.com/blogs in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

Hey dads, do you remember what you were feeling when your wife or girlfriend told you she was pregnant? I can only speak for myself, but it went a little something like this:

“I AM THE MOST VIRILE MAN ALIVE! MY SPERM IS SUPERCHARGED AND I HAVE PERFORMED MY RIGHTFUL DUTY AS A MAN! BEHOLD THE SEED IN MY WOMAN’S BELLY AND BASK IN WHAT I HAVE CREATED!!!”

I’m not even kidding either, I think I said those exact phrases. Multiple times. My wife was actually quite irritated if you can imagine that. And while I was being slightly dramatic, I stand by the sentiment. It’s such an amazing feeling to know that you helped create a life. And when she gets bigger and people notice her belly, you stand there grinning like an idiot because that bulge is like a badge of honor for guys. If we had one of those cartoon bubbles above our head it would say something like “Yup. Look at that belly. There’s a baby in there. My baby. I did that. With my sperm. I am all that is man!”

And yes ladies, we’re fully aware that pregnancy is your miracle and our contribution consisted of 2 minutes several orgasmic hours in the bedroom after which we rolled over and went to sleep. There’s no need to remind us of that. Especially in public.

But today at Will’s monthly doctor’s appointment, that feeling came flooding back to me when they weighed and measured my son. In just a little more than three weeks, he has grown 2.75 inches and gained 3 lbs. The doctor actually had to double check the numbers because he couldn’t believe it. Will went from being in the 50th percentile for height and weight, to the 90th percentile in height and the 80th percentile in weight.

I was overtaken with this enormous amount of pride, which is silly because I’m only 5’10″ and overweight, and have nothing to do with the breast milk that keeps him happy and healthy. Yet I’ve been beaming all day and telling anyone who will listen how much my son has grown. Now I’m no math expert, but if you extrapolate his current growth over the next 12 years or so, it looks like Will is going to be roughly 6’10″ by the time he’s a teenager. Of course, even though the NBA, NFL and MLB scouts will be drooling over him, I’ll definitely make him go to and finish college. That’s a given. And when he’s holding the World Series trophy and thanking his father on ESPN shortly after he’s hit the game-winning grand slam in the bottom of the 9th with two outs (his fourth homer of the game mind you), I’m sure I’ll feel the exact same way I do today.

Except I’ll have my own luxury box at Fenway thanks to my son’s record-breaking contract!