There are many days — more often than not — that I look at my wife and think “My God I am the luckiest man on the planet.” I see how beautiful she is, I lay a passionate kiss on her and I thank her for being the best wife ever. In those moments I am filled with an endless reservoir of love for her and I get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars that I found so much happiness in another person. However…
Today is not one of those days.
Many married couples don’t talk about their fights. Instead, they put on a happy face for the outside world and they pretend their shit doesn’t stink. “We’re so happy, we have the perfect life, no drama or bickering to see here. Just two perfectly contented people in love.”
All married couples fight occasionally. And if they don’t, they’re either lying or they live in separate parts of the house. And while I can understand why some people wouldn’t want to let the Internet in on their marital strife, I have always chosen to chronicle both the good and bad times on this blog. And this morning is definitely one of the bad times.
Now that MJ works an hour away, she gets up earlier than I do. Every morning now, she sets the alarm on her cell phone to wake her up at 6 a.m. The only problem is she’s one of those obnoxious people who hits the snooze button 5 million times before she actually wakes up 45 minutes later. And that works for her because she sleeps like a log. But as for me, I’m a very light sleeper and I don’t need to be up until 7 a.m. But as soon as her alarm goes off, I’m up. And even if I do manage to fall back asleep, it goes off again 10 minutes later. And then 10 minutes after that.
It’s annoying, but I could even manage to live with that. What I can’t live with, however, is the fact that her damn alarm wakes Will up in the next room.
Now here’s where our fight really begins. You see, guys have very simple rules for etiquette. For instance, if a bunch of guys are sitting around watching TV and eating chips and the bowl suddenly goes empty, the last guy who touched the chips should go and refill the bowl. It’s simple and it makes sense. You took the last one, you fill it back up. It’s similar to the “you smelt it you dealt it” corollary.
I think that line of thinking should be applied to this situation. MJ’s stupid alarm woke him up, so who should go pick him up and deal with him at 6 a.m.? MJ, that’s who! But amazingly, I watched with my jaw on the floor as she casually rolled over and started snoring again. I wanted to deck her. So even though she woke him up, I had to get up and change him, get him dressed, get him a bottle and take care of him.
Now here’s where it starts spiraling quickly down the drain.
I have a unique talent. If I know I have to wake up at a certain time, I automatically wake up at the right time. I haven’t needed an alarm clock since college. Hey, some people are artists but my talent is waking up without an alarm clock. I’ll take what I can get. Yet MJ doesn’t trust me so that’s why she keeps setting her damn alarm.
Now, I’m up and taking care of Will this morning while she’s slumbering away. I hear her get into the shower. When the shower turns off, I take Will into the bathroom because it’s my turn for a shower. This is normally when MJ takes off work, leaving Will with me in the bathroom. Well she came back in the bathroom while I was still in the shower and asked me where her keys were. Will is prone to carrying keys off to the farthest reaching of the house nowadays, so I told her they could be anywhere.
When I came out to the livingroom in my towel, MJ was frantic. The couches were moved clear across the room. All the couch pillows were on the floor. The remote controls were strewn about the place and the batteries were laying all around. Such is life when MJ gets really stressed.
I took one look at the shelf next to the TV and located her keys, offering them to her with a “Was that so hard? You didn’t need to tear apart the house like a maniac.”
Then things went sour.
She accused me of putting her keys in a place where she never puts them (untrue). Then (and this is classic) she blamed me for her waking up late, because I didn’t come back in the bedroom and wake her up in time.
I lost my mind.
She had her alarm set. I know that because it went off and woke me and Will up! So why on God’s green Earth would I come back in to wake her up when I knew for a fact she had her alarm set?!?! Yet there she was, blaming me and actually keeping a straight face while doing it.
At that moment, I felt no love for her. I know that’s a horrible thing to say about your wife, but in the course of a marriage it’s inevitable and i don’t mind putting it out there. There will be moments where you hate the sight of your significant other so much that their mere appearance makes you physically ill. This was one of those moments for both of us, although I maintain I did nothing wrong.
I won’t go into detail about the events that followed immediately thereafter, except to say it was ugly. Nasty names were thrown out there, insults about body weight, mental instability and divorce lawyers were tossed out like hand grenades from both sides. Like I said…ugly.
I have a guy’s night out planned for tomorrow and quite frankly, it’s not a moment too soon. Marriage isn’t easy. In fact, marriage sucks the big one sometimes. Marriage is a full time job and when you throw a kid in the mix it gets very difficult to give it the attention it needs to thrive. And sometimes things boil over and this is the result. I love my wife. It’s just that right now, I want to light her on fire. And I’m strangely OK with that.
And on that note, I’d like to wish my parents a happy 32nd wedding anniversary!