In the “I-Wish-This-Was-Made-Up-But-Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction” department, I’d like to introduce you to Ragnar Bengtsson, a 26-year-old male student at Stockholm University, who is using a breast pump to induce lactation so that he will be able to breastfeed future babies.
Look, as you all know I’m firmly in the camp of leveling the parental playing field and encouraging fathers to be more involved with their kids. But there’s a huge difference between taking a more active role with your children, and trying to reverse and perverse nature.
As a man, I have come to grips with the fact that I am inherently ill equipped for certain child rearing functions. In fact, when Will was born I openly thanked the heavens for the fact that I couldn’t pass a Vagina Monster out of my stretched out snatch after it incubated like a parasite in my womb for the better part of a year. And then when I watched MJ struggle with breastfeeding, I was equally as thrilled that my tender nips weren’t going to be used a chew toy.
Bengtsson claims this will help with father-child bonding. And sure, moms have a head start in that department mainly because of breastfeeding and yes, breastfeeding is better for the child.
But how on Earth is a man’s hairy nipple in the mouth of a babe a good thing?
Furthermore, this guy will have to pump for three months, every three hours, just to produce a few drops of breast milk. How is that worth it? Not to mention he’ll have to break out the ole breast pump right in the middle of class. Because that won’t be awkward or anything. Truthfully I get a little skeeved out when moms are breastfeeding in public, but if I ever saw a man hooked up to a breast pump…well, I honestly don’t know what I’d do or say.
The bottom line is I think fathers should be partners in parenting, but we shouldn’t be striving to replace moms and the unique things they can do. We already have transgendered and transexual people. Sex changes, turning penises into axe wounds and the Pregnant Man a la Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie Junior.
So what’s next? Should men start to have periods? I grant you it’d be nice to have a built in excuse to act like a prick for no reason every 28 days. But then there’s that slight problem of, you know…bleeding excessively for five days from your Man-Vag. And quite honestly, I had to buy tampons for my wife once and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I can only imagine purchasing them for myself would be slightly more awkward.
Plus if I had boobs or a vagina all of my free time would be out the window. I already play with my own God-given set of genitalia for at least an hour a day. But add in tits and a vertical taco? There aren’t enough hours in the day. I’d be so preoccupied I would probably forget to breastfeed my son, and isn’t that how this whole thing got started?
So Ragnar, I say thanks but no thanks you man boobed lactating freak. There are countless ways for a new father to bond with his baby, but plugging your hairy man nipple into his cute little mouth shouldn’t be an option. Just ask Stewie Griffin: