Man Boobs

Men breastfeeding? NOOOOOO!!!!
Men breastfeeding? NOOOOOO!!!!

In the “I-Wish-This-Was-Made-Up-But-Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction” department, I’d like to introduce you to Ragnar Bengtsson, a 26-year-old male student at Stockholm University, who is using a breast pump to induce lactation so that he will be able to breastfeed future babies.

Wow.

Look, as you all know I’m firmly in the camp of leveling the parental playing field and encouraging fathers to be more involved with their kids. But there’s a huge difference between taking a more active role with your children, and trying to reverse and perverse nature.

As a man, I have come to grips with the fact that I am inherently ill equipped for certain child rearing functions. In fact, when Will was born I openly thanked the heavens for the fact that I couldn’t pass a Vagina Monster out of my stretched out snatch after it incubated like a parasite in my womb for the better part of a year. And then when I watched MJ struggle with breastfeeding, I was equally as thrilled that my tender nips weren’t going to be used a chew toy.

Bengtsson claims this will help with father-child bonding. And sure, moms have a head start in that department mainly because of breastfeeding and yes, breastfeeding is better for the child.

But how on Earth is a man’s hairy nipple in the mouth of a babe a good thing?

Furthermore, this guy will have to pump for three months, every three hours, just to produce a few drops of breast milk. How is that worth it? Not to mention he’ll have to break out the ole breast pump right in the middle of class. Because that won’t be awkward or anything. Truthfully I get a little skeeved out when moms are breastfeeding in public, but if I ever saw a man hooked up to a breast pump…well, I honestly don’t know what I’d do or say.

The bottom line is I think fathers should be partners in parenting, but we shouldn’t be striving to replace moms and the unique things they can do. We already have transgendered and transexual people. Sex changes, turning penises into axe wounds and the Pregnant Man a la Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie Junior.

So what’s next? Should men start to have periods? I grant you it’d be nice to have a built in excuse to act like a prick for no reason every 28 days. But then there’s that slight problem of, you know…bleeding excessively for five days from your Man-Vag. And quite honestly, I had to buy tampons for my wife once and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I can only imagine purchasing them for myself would be slightly more awkward.

Plus if I had boobs or a vagina all of my free time would be out the window. I already play with my own God-given set of genitalia for at least an hour a day. But add in tits and a vertical taco? There aren’t enough hours in the day. I’d be so preoccupied I would probably forget to breastfeed my son, and isn’t that how this whole thing got started?

So Ragnar, I say thanks but no thanks you man boobed lactating freak. There are countless ways for a new father to bond with his baby, but plugging your hairy man nipple into his cute little mouth shouldn’t be an option. Just ask Stewie Griffin:

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13 thoughts on “Man Boobs

  1. First of all: EWWW! Second of all: EWWW! What the hell is wrong with this man? As a woman who not-so-politely asked the lactation consultant (breastfeeding Nazi) to leave my hospital room and not come back, I don’t understand why a man would EVER want to do that? And what mother lets her newborn baby suckle at the man’s boob? I hope for the kid’s sake he shaved his nipples. The poor kid could choke on a hair or something. EWWWW.

  2. Wait a minute here… Is this really biologically possible? Do men even have milk glands and ducts and all that crazy shit in their tiny little boobies? I don’t understand. I would kind of assume that he can pump until his nips are permenantly pointy, but you can’t get blood from a stone.

    Also, I agree with the whole “why the eff would he want to do this anyway?” idea.

    Freak.

  3. Holy SHIT. I’ve NEVER seen you like this! But I couldn’t agree more. WTF. I mean really? He seems like a total perv to me. That isn’t his job people!

    And using that once a month as an excuse to be a bitch f-ing rocks man. You forgot to mention eating an entire chocolate cake just because you ‘crave’ it too. I’m sure this won’t be too popular with the woman-folk but oh well. You got me revved up…..

  4. I can see I’m alone here but oh well. I actually think it’s not that big of a deal. The man’s not hurting anyone. Why is it okay for a parent to hire a wet nurse (a complete stranger) but it’s not okay for a man to nurse his own baby? Men DO have the ability to lactate (in some cultures it’s actually common for men to nurse their babies for comfort – like a pacifier, not usually for nutrition – when the mothers aren’t around to do it). I’m not saying that I think men SHOULD breastfeed but I’m not of the opinion that women SHOULD breastfeed either. However, I’m not averse to it and I haven’t heard any real reason why it shouldn’t be done.
    There are so many things that our culture says is “wrong” and so the masses jump on board to dissuade anyone from doing it. Society sucks.

  5. Jenn: Personally I could never hire a wet nurse. I think that’s very creepy when a stranger is breastfeeding your kid. So you’re preaching to the choir on that one.

    And you’re right, he’s not hurting anyone. I never said he was. But why would a guy go through months of pumping and hooking himself up to a machine several times a day just for a few drops of breast milk, when he doesn’t even have a baby at home? In fact that may be the creepiest part. He’s got a 2-year-old who he doesn’t plan on breastfeeding, but he has no babies and no kids on the way.

    For me it’s wrong and weird and I’d never do it. I can’t speak for anyone else. But yes, I would dissuade any male friend of mine who came to me and said he wanted to breastfeed. Society may suck for a host of reasons, but this is not one of them.

  6. Society doesn’t suck specifically because of this but it does suck because of the way that it works. A few prominent people decide what’s right or wrong and the majority just falls in line. Having lots of people think the same way doesn’t make it the right way to think. Most people who argue vehemently against things just don’t understand them. Then they go on a rail about “God made this” and “God did that” without ever giving any REAL reason for their side of the argument. You would dissuade your guy friends from doing this because… why? Because people would make fun of them? Because YOU would make fun of them? Because you think it’s “wrong”? Because… why? Men aren’t inherently ill equipped to breastfeed – they HAVE all the equipment. The only thing lacking is a hormone from pregnancy. And what about women who are ill equipped to conceive – does that mean they shouldn’t have kids at all? Or babies born with birth defects that can be fixed through surgery? Because someone is BORN a certain way, or “meant” to be a certain way – does that mean they should never try to be or do anything else? Humans have a long long long history of fucking with nature (especially in the medical field). This guy isn’t even getting hormone treatments or adding anything to his body that isn’t already there. It’s not even close to the same thing as having a period or being pregnant.

    Yeah, this particular guy is kind of weird, I admit. He’s pumping in public and he’s doing it for kids that haven’t even been conceived yet. AND he’s bringing it to the attention of the media. But in general I don’t think it’s even close to horrible (like some people are suggesting) that a guy would want to try it. It’s been done before and it will be done again. I don’t think people need to be attention whores about it but no need to condemn anyone for it, either.

  7. I hated nursing enough that I can’t imagine why anyone else would do it themselves. Especially if they didn’t have to. I’d be squigged out if Daver wanted to nurse the babies, totally, but I don’t have any rational reason for it. Just Because.

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  9. All during recover from surgery I couldn’t wait to get back to reading Daddy Files. I kept wondering what I might be missing. I should have known better.

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