Kids. They say the darndest — and most brutally honest — things. But truth be told, even since I hit the big 3-0 it has gotten noticeably worse. It’s as if all the hair is retreating from the top of my head and migrating to my shoulders, back and stomach. And in the last few months, it’s like my stomach hair has started wrapping around my midsection in a desperate attempt to connect with its back hair cousins.
So why haven’t I ever done anything about it? That’s easy. Because I’ve always maintained a firm belief that manscaping is for metrosexual douchebags who sip $12 martinis and wear v-neck shirts. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
So when a very sweet woman representing Philips Norelco called me up and serendipitously asked me if I’d be interested in detailing my manscaping adventures with one of their products, it was just too strange (and potentially fraught with disaster and hilarity) to pass up.
The thing is, I was nervous. I’m not a fancy guy. I drink cheap beer, I wear t-shirts and jeans and aside from occasionally putting gel in my hair, I’ve never manscaped anything. But the Philips Norelco Bodygroom Pro is actually a pretty cool device. The first thing I noticed is it’s got razors on both ends. One is for trimming and has an adjustable head that allows for five different lengths. The other end is rounded with razors for a close shave.
Despite my fear of the unknown, I finally decided it was time to stop putting things off. So while Will was in the bath, I broke out the Bodygroom Pro & set it up. The best part is it’s cordless with a rechargeable battery. And even though it was easy to figure out, I called in MJ to help me out and start with my back and shoulders.
I winced in advance because I have RIDICULOUSLY sensitive skin and I was worried this might leave my skin irritated and looking like Frank the Tank from Old School after his cougar suit caught on fire. But this thing is smooth and didn’t hurt at all. Before I knew it she was done and the bathroom sink looked like a baby bear had just been skinned.
And in addition to my back looking sleek and smooth, there was another unexpected benefit. MJ liked it. And I don’t mean she just liked my shorn back and shoulders. I mean she liked shaving my back. As in, my otherwise prudish wife seems to have a bit of a shaving fetish. Who would’ve guessed?! I think there’s a Chewbacca costume rental in my near future.
But moving on, soon it was time for the stomach and chest. And while the Bodygroom Pro did its job with ease, even this advanced piece of grooming technology can’t fully protect against human error.
As I said before, I had a lot of hair around my stomach. A lot. Essentially it looked like a sea of hair circling the drain that is my bellybutton. You’re welcome for that lovely visual by the way. Anyways, while my wife very much likes my new look, I discovered a glaring drawback. You see, my body hair did more than keep me warm during winter. It also covered up some — blemishes.
You all know I’m battling a weight problem, and when I put the weight on years ago I did it QUICKLY. And when that happens, stretchmarks appear. Therefore, when I bared my stomach, I also unearthed some things that should remain hidden. And, just for good measure, I managed to nick one of them.
Imagine, for a moment, an overweight and freshly shorn man bleeding from his stretch mark and being attended to by his wife while their 4-year-old looks on confusedly from the bathtub. I’m sure this is exactly the product review Philips Norelco had in mind.
I was going to post before and after pictures but…well, it’s bad enough I have to look at me. No one else should suffer the same fate. But according to MJ, the results are overwhelmingly positive. She hasn’t stopped rubbing my back and chest and says I feel like a baby. I then took that opportunity to point out that if she’s sexually aroused because she thinks I feel like a baby, that would make her a pedophile. Leave it to me to snatch celibacy from the jaws of sex.
As for me, I’m not totally sold on the shaved chest/back. I think I look like a beluga whale, which might not be the best move for me. We’ll see.
But I do know one thing, and I can say with complete certainty that if you do want to manscape and trim the proverbial hedges for your partner, the Bodygroom Pro is the way to go. Click here for more info, or follow Philips Norelco on Facebook and Twitter. And if you leave a comment, you’ll automatically be entered to win a Bodygroom Pro of your own, a giveaway worth $69.99.
Disclaimer: I was not compensated for this post but I did receive a free Bodygroom Pro. All opinions are my own, as always.