I’m a very literal person. I also have this crazy thing I do where I listen to what my lovely wife says and then I do exactly as she asks. You’d think that alone would be the key to avoiding problems and fights. You’d be wrong.
Never was this more apparent than Monday night when we were getting Will ready to leave before the Patriots game. He was spending the night at my parents’ house so we had to pack everything for an overnight visit. Well we’re in the car ready to drive away and Will is screaming. I ask MJ what’s wrong and she looks at me like I have two heads and says “I told you, he needs a bottle.” I’m confused because 1) She never said that to me and 2) I thought we had packed everything. Then I said “So we don’t have a bottle for him?” and she again looks at me like I’m nuts and says “No.”
So I got out of the car, walked back into the house and I grabbed his bottle because that’s what MJ said we were missing. I was a little confused because I know my parents have plenty of bottles at their house, but MJ has never made a whole lot of sense so I just go with the flow when it comes to her insanity.
I get back in the car and I hand her the bottle. She then proceeded to freak out.
Apparently, what she meant was that Will needed a bottle full of formula RIGHT NOW. But what I had brought her, was just an empty bottle. Because that’s what she said we needed…a bottle. So I went and got, A BOTTLE! She starts ranting and raving about “Why the hell would I need just an empty bottle?” and “If your kid is screaming and crying that means you get him a bottle and ACTUALLY FILL IT WITH SOMETHING HE CAN DRINK.”
At that point, I lose my shit and start yelling at her screaming “IF YOU WANTED A BOTTLE FULL OF FORMULA THEN JUST SAY SO!” She didn’t ask me to make up a bottle for Will. She told me we forgot a bottle. So I went and got a bottle. I did exactly what she wanted, and yet I’m still in trouble.
Why can’t women just say what they want clearly and concisely. I’ll gladly do it. But instead, they talk in code or they’re just very unclear as to what they want. I hear what she says and I interpret it as the most literal translation there is. I do this because women are crazy when they don’t get what they want and I try to keep the craziness to a minimum.
Take last night for instance…
MJ took Will out last night to some event that I wasn’t attending. But Will’s carseat was in my car and needed to go back to hers. So, being the nice husband that I am, I volunteered to go out into the rain to get the carseat, take it out of my car, walk over to a different parking lot where she was parked, put the carseat in the car and then come back to the house. And did I mention it was pouring rain at the time?
So when I was finished, I ran up the hill and got inside and simply said “That wasn’t fun” because of the rain. She looks at me and says “Why is everything with you like it’s the end of the world?”
How about a THANK YOU?!?!? I just went out in the rain to save her a trip, I come back in the house and I get attitude? What the hell?
It seems like we keep having this fight over and over again. It’s safe to assume that I’m not going to learn how to speak MJ’s particular dialect of female lunacy. So why, after nearly three years of marriage, can’t she understand that she needs to tell me EXACTLY what she wants? It’s so simple. If you ask for a bottle, you’re going to get a bottle. If you want a bottle full of formula, then ask me to make up a bottle full of formula. I’m like a robot. I will do whatever it is you tell me to do. But I will only do what I am told. I will not interpret meaning and I will not delve into anyone else’s twisted mind in attempt to figure out what the hell you wanted in the first place!
And poor Will never did get that bottle because I was so pissed I drove away in a fit.
Once again, the advice my father gave me about women when I was 16 years old holds true: “Smile, nod and say you’re sorry because it’s all your fault.”