MJ is 20 weeks pregnant. We’ve had several ultrasounds but as many of you have noticed, I haven’t posted a single picture. We have them — lots of them actually, in all their grainy black & white goodness. But I couldn’t bring myself to put them online and share them. Mainly because I’m scared out of my mind, and scarred beyond belief.
It was 2 years and 9 months ago MJ was 13 weeks pregnant with Alexandra. We had already suffered two miscarriages and I was pretty wary about getting too excited too early. But at 13 weeks we had an ultrasound, I saw the picture, and my heart — as well as my defenses — completely melted. I ended up writing this post with a picture of my unborn baby. I went on and on about how it was finally time to be happy and celebrate the pregnancy instead of worrying about things that could go wrong. After more than 3 months of driving myself nuts, I actually let myself be happy and got it in my head that we really were having another baby.
Less than 24 hours after hitting “publish” we got a call about a potential abnormality involving the baby, which ultimately ended with us terminating the pregnancy due to a fetal condition incompatible with life. And so this time around I vowed not to get suckered again.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy we’re having another baby. Beyond happy. I’m just scared. Scared to fucking death. This is our sixth pregnancy with all but one (Will, obviously) ending in heartbreak. That’s a ton of really high highs when we see plus signs on the pregnancy tests, to crushing lows when we end up losing the pregnancy. And that says nothing of the hell in between that is getting up and dusting yourself off to chance it again. You start to feel insane, doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. You start to question why you’re putting yourself through it and if it’s doing more harm than good.
You start to wonder if you’ve done something to deserve all the nightmares.
Since November MJ has asked me if I think everything is going to be OK. I love my wife with my entire being — which is why I chose to lie to her and tell everything would be fine. Someone has to say the right things and stand firm at all costs. It’s a role I’ve embraced quite a bit over the years in this department. I know I’ve said it before, but the truly cruel thing about repeated miscarriages is it robs you of hope and joy. The positive pregnancy tests are no longer a celebration, they’re a necessary milestone. The first ultrasound isn’t a sigh of relief, it’s a stay of execution. And since we lost Alexandra well into the second trimester, even the 12- and 16-week ultrasounds haven’t provided me any relief from all the pessimism.
MJ is 20 weeks pregnant. Her belly is round and hard. She can feel the baby moving, and soon I’ll be able to feel it from the outside. By the time most of you read this we’ll be getting our 20-week ultrasound. And Will is coming with us.
I know some of you think that’s crazy and ripe for disaster. I don’t blame you. I thought it too. It was my first thought when MJ told me she wanted to bring him. Even though we haven’t experienced any problems and the baby seems fine, the thought of walking into that room with Will only to find a lack of a heartbeat or any movement…it’s terrifying. It turns an unthinkable tragedy into an unimaginable nightmare.
So why do it?
Because at some point you have to be happy. Despite the ample and justifiable reasons to remain guarded, this is a new baby we’re talking about and we’re past the halfway point. New life and new hope shouldn’t be clouded under a veil of fear and pessimism. And I figure what better way to break on through to the other optimistic side than by wielding the brightest and most awe-inspiring weapon in my arsenal — Will. He’ll get to see the baby, ask the doctor questions, and get his first live glimpse of his new brother or sister.
And as for all of you, allow me to introduce you to my new baby!
So happy for the good news! Now I just have to decide whether it’s going to be a grandson or a granddaugher. Hmmm…
I have been in your shoes, as you well know. I did not allow myself much happiness with my 3rd pregnancy. I knew what could go wrong, and frankly, a lot of it still went wrong. But as you also know, that pregnancy is now my daughter Audrey and she is over a year old-babbling and walking more each day.
I wish you a wonderful ultrasound today, you deserve all the happiness this new life will bring you!
My wife and I lost a baby in between our two kids. It crushed us both. Thanks for offering a dad’s perspective, because most dads don’t share their feelings publicly. Your shared road has been the hardest I’ve ever heard, and I’m glad you are starting to enjoy the journey this time. it’s hard to let go of the previous grief, but when you do, your heart grows 10 sizes.
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I am so happy for you guys!!! Aaron I believe that all of the heartache you and MJ have suffered will only bring you that much more joy and love (if it is possible) for this new miracle. I will say it will have to be a girl because she will cause you so much joy and stress when she is out of the womb as she already has in the womb!! My love and prayers to you both for the next 20 weeks!
We have had thoughts about having more children after Eden. She had a fatal birth defect and gave us 6 hours and 27 minutes of joy. I really don’t want to plug our story but http://www.thelifeofedenmarie.com
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I can’t wait for your story to have a happy ending, I really can’t. It’s time. @theoldguy – I already told you, I have decreed a girl!
Thanks everyone.
I originally thought girl but after seeing the ultrasounds I’m 99.9% sure it’s a boy. Not that I saw the defining characteristic that would make that choice obvious, but I just feel it in my gut. It’s a little sad because I wanted one of each, but as long as this kid is healthy I’m a happy guy.
But yeah, definitely gonna be a boy.
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I am so happy for you and MJ! And Will, too! He’s going to be an awesome big brother.
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Aaron, I’ve thought about you and your family often after the events of that post. I’m still sorry about what happened then and how you guys were treated. But I am extremely happy from today’s post.
I will keep your family in my prayers.
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My mother had four misses, my sister, who died shortly after birth (my mom never even got to meet her) another mis, me, another mis, my brother, yet another mis and then was advised not to get pregant anymore. Good luck and Mazel Tov!
I think this post is beautifully written. It’s so tough to get the proper understanding for this grief. Congratulations for your new joy. Soon, you’ll be up all night with the rest of us again! I’m sending the best of great wishes and prayers.
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Many years ago we had a situation similar to yours with Alexandra, but ours took place with caring medical professionals inside a hospital further along in our pregnancy. I cannot imagine having had to go through a gauntlet of protesters at such a time. Our loss of our son was one of four losses we experienced, one after another, over six years. The geneticist, without the trace of a smile, referred to our situation as “a run of bad luck”. We declared the next pregnancy to be our ladt, worn out with grief. A beautiful, healthy baby was the result, and we had one more two years later. Both pregnancies were uneventful. I understand how frightening it is ti go through pregnancy once you know that they do not all have happy endings. Please send my love to your wife. Happy endings don’t always happen in pregnancy, but most of the time they do.
I so love this post. You had me from the tweet about the boston marathon and I came to your blog and now I am hooked even more. I am in tears with this post we lost 2 babies one at 8 weeks and one at 11wks 6 days on April 1st 2011 how’s that for the worst joke ever? How you find the strength is beyond me and I applaud you for it and I so wish we had that strength. I relate to your afraid to get excited feeling it has overshadowed me. I don’t listen to music anymore because you can be happily singing along and then wham the carpet ripped from you.
I can also relate to the fact that you “lie” to your wife. If I had a dime for everytime my husband said “hey we will be fine” I would be rich and I don’t hold it against him well I try not to but I think because of your openness I think I finally understand his motives.