My Discriminatory Son

This post also appeared on in the opinion section of the Cape Cod Times, a division of Ottaway Newspapers, Inc.

You think you’ve raised your kids right. You hope that you’ve taught them acceptance and equality for all. But then one day you realize that despite your best efforts, your child is a discriminatory bigot.

Will hates old people. And when I say hate, I mean it.

He despises the elderly with the white hot fiery passion of 1,000 suns and God help everyone within shouting distance if some poor suspecting old person decides to get close to Will, because he loses his freaking mind! At first it happened sporadically and I chalked it up to Will just being in a bad mood. I mean after all, how would you like it if some complete stranger came up to you, put their face 3 inches from yours and starting make “coochy coo” noises at you while tickling your feet? Doesn’t sound fun does it?

But then I noticed that Will didn’t always get upset by this. For instance, since Will is the most gorgeous baby ever to grace this planet, he gets a lot of attention. Namely, he gets a lot of attention from smoking hot chicks who want to come up and kiss him and grab him and tell him how beautiful he is. And wouldn’t you know it, my son is perfectly OK with this. Not only is he cool with it, he hams it up big time! He starts to smile, kick and make those cute baby noises girls love. By the time my boy is done with these cute women, they’re running back to their boyfriends demanding to be knocked up immediately so they can try to have a baby as cute as Will. My son is such a flirt it’s not even funny. He’s not even 5 months old and he’s already got more game with women than I’ve ever had in my life.

Now compare that to when an elderly person approaches. Both the young hotties and the old people tell him he’s cute, tickle him and get really close to him. But if it’s an older person, Will screams like I did the time I saw Kathy Bates naked in the hot tub in “About Schmidt.” And I’m not just talking some whimpering, he turns purple and starts to shriek like he’s being chased by the devil. It’s a full-blown meltdown and it takes 10 minutes just to calm him back down…or until another young hottie approaches.

I wonder what it is that makes him go berserk. Can he smell the mothballs from across the room? Does he have some kind of abnormal aversion to dentures? Is he already thinking about how pissed off he’s going to be when he’s driving behind one of these people going 25 MPH in a 50 MPH zone?? Either way, for a kid who’s going to grow up on Cape Cod where the average age is approximately 109 years old, he’s probably going to have to shake this phobia of the elderly.

But he should still feel free to cater to the Cape’s scantily clad summer females who flock to him while daddy holds him.

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9 thoughts on “My Discriminatory Son

  1. You mean he has a problem with the pungent aroma of fixodent, camphor and impending death? Go figure.

  2. My grandmother Mimi can make a tantruming (?) 2 year old sleep in her boosom in 2 mins. I think Will should challenge this.

  3. Maybe he can smell their Old Spice and Seabond denture adhesive. That kinda freaks me out, too.

  4. Old people are a bit smelly. I bet that’s what’s making him freak out.

  5. I was going to ask how the old guy felt about this old talk…I know my parents feel old but they don’t have dentures, arthritis, or smell….

  6. Hey, I had dentures at 30 something…I categorically deny the smell thing…and my muscles may ache but there is no arthritis. And Will loves me!

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