My Noisy Wife

I love MJ, but sometimes she drives me nuts.

You see, today is my day off. And this week, it happens to be my ONLY day off. So as you might imagine, I want to sleep for as long as possible. But my wife, who I love to death, doesn’t make that easy. Her morning routine is exasperating, and it means I almost always wake up when she does. Here, see for yourself:

6:15 am: MJ uses her cell phone as an alarm clock. Thankfully I’ve gotten her to put it on vibrate, but the vibrations on her wooden nightstand still makes a considerably loud noise. It never fails to wake me up. She rolls over, turns it off and goes back to sleep. I stay awake.

6:20 am: Just as I start to drift off again, the cell phone starts vibrating. Again, she rolls over to turn it off and promptly falls back asleep. I lay awake stewing in an increasingly angry fog.

6:25 am: Same thing.

6:30 am: The alarm goes off for the final time and she mercifully gets up to take a shower.

Now I should note that Will is a notoriously light sleeper. Sometimes the combination of the cell phone vibrating and us moving around in bed is enough to wake him up. But if we’re lucky enough for him to sleep through that, he almost always wakes up when the timeline continues:

6:31 am: MJ gets up to take a shower. She walks over to the bathroom door and because she is the world’s worst morning person, she just flings it open. Then she turns on the light, which doubles as a fan. Basically that means it sounds like a jet engine during take off in our bathroom. At this point she either sleepily leaves the door open so the fan wakes Will up, or she closes the door in a huff and the sound of the slamming door wakes him up.

6:40 to 6:50 am: I’m not sure exactly what MJ does during and after her shower, but I know it’s LOUD! I swear she’s not just placing her make up, brush and hair products on the counter, but slamming them instead! Then there’s the industrial strength hair blower which I assume doubles as a back-up generator should the electricity go out. Next comes the ironing board. And since we have the world’s oldest ironing board, its rusty hinges squeak and squeal like a cat being tortured.

6:51 am to 7 am: More noise of all kinds. She slides open the closet door, stalks around the bedroom, etc. She’s an attractive, petite woman yet if you were blind you’d think an army of elephants was traipsing around the house. I don’t know how she manages it.

Now when I have to get up before her, I am decidedly more considerate. When I open the bathroom door I twist the handle silently all the way to the right, open it without a sound, and then close it quietly. I don’t use the light that doubles as a fan, but the vanity lights over the sink to minimize noise. If you ask me, I think she’s subconsciously trying to wake Will up just so she can see him before she leaves for the day. Which is fine, I understand wanting to see him before heading off to work. But just wake him up yourself! Don’t go stomping around the house passively aggressively making noise until he wakes up himself!

So at some point in that process, Will starts crying and that means I’m up for good. I almost yelled at her today but I thought better of it and just told her I loved her. Which I do. But I’ve learned you can love someone and fantasize about strangling them all at the same time.

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16 thoughts on “My Noisy Wife

  1. That sounds something akin to my feelings this Saturday. My wonderful man decided to wake-up at the gawd awful hour of 8:30 and turn on NPR well before I usually resign myself to waking up. I tried to will myself back to unconsciousness and was on the verge of succeeding when he started shaking me to tell me one of the boys wanted cereal.

    I’m still not sure why he didn’t just get up and get it for him like he usually does. I did however find out that silently staring at his throat while clenching my hands motivates the shit out of him.

  2. I used to have that problem. I was exactly like you. So careful as to not wake him up. I even took my hairdryer to the laundry room, closed the door and blew dried my hair there. Do you maybe have another bathroom to where she can claim that and maybe this will help? Hate it for your lack of sleep 🙁

  3. I am not a morning person. I am hardly conscious when I first wake up. I wonder if I sound like a heard of elephants in the morning? But no matter how quiet I am in the morning, the cat and the dog always hear me and wait for me at the bottom of the steps. I let the dog out and growl at the cat. I’m not really nice until I down a cup of coffee. Give me an hour along, however, and I’m a saint.
    My husband, on the other hand, is awake the minute his feet touch the ground. He lives with three non-morning females, two of them teens. Just to tease us he will sing “Oh What a Beautiful Morning” at the top of his lungs. Real funny. I usually just give him a Shut the **** Up look and the girls mumble under the breaths. They can’t say anything nasty out loud cause he’s their dad.

  4. Oh, my husband is the same way as MJ is. He thinks that doing something “quietly” means doing it without talking, not actually modifying his actions to be quiet. I am blessed with three kids that sleep like the dead, but I am a terribly light sleeper. I’ve spent many many mornings imagining how to strangle him without waking up the kids. 🙂

  5. All I’m saying is this is textbook and I’m worried Daddy Files. I really am. She should be more considerate. She SHOULD be. That isn’t asking much. Have you (gently) asked her to ‘sneak around’ in the morning like you do? And if not pretend you are her when you get up before her. I don’t know – I’m spiteful sometimes.

  6. Hah! Are your wife and my husband the same person? I tiptoe around like a mouse in the morning, meanwhile he is slamming doors and running up and down the stairs. So infuriating. You handle it much better than I do.

  7. Sorry man…I cannot relate. I am the world’s heaviest sleeper.

    When I was a child, the house two doors down had a gas explosion in the basement. It knocked things off the walls…but didn’t awaken me.

    So I can’t commiserate.

    One thing though…does you wife read this blog?!?

  8. Bah, you don’t know how good you’ve got it. My boyfriend’s alarm clock is the Clash: as loud as his alarm goes. And he usually snoozes for upwards of 30 minutes. Depending on how tired I am, I can snooze for up to an hour. Fifteen minutes of a vibrating phone irrepairably damages your sleep??
    That sounds like your problem not hers. Get some ear plugs. Or sleep on the couch.

  9. I just don’t understand people who can’t get up right away. Your alarm goes off: GET THE HELL UP! Now granted, I’m a morning person. I can roll out of bed and I’m ready to go and start my day. I don’t use an alarm clock either, my body just wakes me up and I don’t even drink coffee so I don’t need a kick start in the morning. So I’m cheerful and energetic and probably a little annoying as I sing “Morning Has Broken” to piss her off.

    But here’s the thing: I only do that when I wake up when I’m supposed to. But she’s getting me up an hour early. And when I’m up, I’m up.

    So why doesn’t SHE go sleep on the couch??

  10. I’m exactly like you. Once I’m up that’s it for me, and I just don’t understand people who aren’t considerate of that. I recently gave myself a get-away weekend in a small mountain resort town, and despite really wanting to be alone I invited a friend for one of the nights/days because she was going through a breakup and wanted to get away but didn’t have the money to treat herself. She knows I’m a light sleeper and that if something wakes me up, even at 2a.m., I’m up for hours afterward. So when I had to get up and use the bathroom I tiptoed, then didn’t turn on the bathroom light until I was in the bathroom and the door was closed. The friend, however, got up, made some sort of clanking sound over by the nightstand, walked to the bathroom, turned both bathroom lights on with the door wide open, which awakened me, then repeated the whole process on her way back. It is completely beyond me why anyone would do anything BUT be as quiet as humanly possible if another person is sleeping nearby. I don’t know how you don’t completely flip out.

  11. It is your fault she has to get up. It is your fault Will can hear the noise. It is your fault you can’t sleep through it. It is your fault, it is your fault, it is your fault. You are a male – you are married – it is your fault. It is always your fault. Stop applying common sense. Accept your fate.

  12. I asked my wife why she storms around in the mornings when I get to sleep in. She said that she’s subconciously mad at me, because I get to sleep in and she doesn’t.

  13. Badass, at least she admitted it. That’s a huge plus right there. My wife tells me I’m crazy when I accuse her of purposefully being noisy. And then, before I know it, I’m apologizing even though I’ve done nothing wrong.

    Women are crafty!

  14. Ear plugs work for me, since my husband gets up between 2 and 4 AM and makes plenty of noise. Helps with his snoring, too.

  15. I van only say that there are two kinds of people in this world- considerate and inconsiderate. And somehow these two different people end up becoming a couple.

  16. Me and my wife have sex any where and anytime. One time we fucked in the living room and the pizza guy walked in on us. I said to him-“Is it still buy one get one free?”

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