I love MJ, but sometimes she drives me nuts.
You see, today is my day off. And this week, it happens to be my ONLY day off. So as you might imagine, I want to sleep for as long as possible. But my wife, who I love to death, doesn’t make that easy. Her morning routine is exasperating, and it means I almost always wake up when she does. Here, see for yourself:
6:15 am: MJ uses her cell phone as an alarm clock. Thankfully I’ve gotten her to put it on vibrate, but the vibrations on her wooden nightstand still makes a considerably loud noise. It never fails to wake me up. She rolls over, turns it off and goes back to sleep. I stay awake.
6:20 am: Just as I start to drift off again, the cell phone starts vibrating. Again, she rolls over to turn it off and promptly falls back asleep. I lay awake stewing in an increasingly angry fog.
6:25 am: Same thing.
6:30 am: The alarm goes off for the final time and she mercifully gets up to take a shower.
Now I should note that Will is a notoriously light sleeper. Sometimes the combination of the cell phone vibrating and us moving around in bed is enough to wake him up. But if we’re lucky enough for him to sleep through that, he almost always wakes up when the timeline continues:
6:31 am: MJ gets up to take a shower. She walks over to the bathroom door and because she is the world’s worst morning person, she just flings it open. Then she turns on the light, which doubles as a fan. Basically that means it sounds like a jet engine during take off in our bathroom. At this point she either sleepily leaves the door open so the fan wakes Will up, or she closes the door in a huff and the sound of the slamming door wakes him up.
6:40 to 6:50 am: I’m not sure exactly what MJ does during and after her shower, but I know it’s LOUD! I swear she’s not just placing her make up, brush and hair products on the counter, but slamming them instead! Then there’s the industrial strength hair blower which I assume doubles as a back-up generator should the electricity go out. Next comes the ironing board. And since we have the world’s oldest ironing board, its rusty hinges squeak and squeal like a cat being tortured.
6:51 am to 7 am: More noise of all kinds. She slides open the closet door, stalks around the bedroom, etc. She’s an attractive, petite woman yet if you were blind you’d think an army of elephants was traipsing around the house. I don’t know how she manages it.
Now when I have to get up before her, I am decidedly more considerate. When I open the bathroom door I twist the handle silently all the way to the right, open it without a sound, and then close it quietly. I don’t use the light that doubles as a fan, but the vanity lights over the sink to minimize noise. If you ask me, I think she’s subconsciously trying to wake Will up just so she can see him before she leaves for the day. Which is fine, I understand wanting to see him before heading off to work. But just wake him up yourself! Don’t go stomping around the house passively aggressively making noise until he wakes up himself!
So at some point in that process, Will starts crying and that means I’m up for good. I almost yelled at her today but I thought better of it and just told her I loved her. Which I do. But I’ve learned you can love someone and fantasize about strangling them all at the same time.