Nature’s Call

“Why is it so great for guys to pee outside?”

This question, recently posed to me by my wife, caught me off guard. What’s so great about peeing outside? Is she kidding?? The real question is what’s bad about peeing outside? I just looked at her as if she had just asked why oxygen is so important to breathing. But since she’s a girl, I launched into an explanation.

You see, Will peed outside for the first time a couple of weeks ago. And since then he’s been dying to use Nature as a toilet instead of his potty. As a guy, I love this and I totally get it. The two of us never discussed it, it’s just an unspoken understanding and appreciation. Peeing outside is cool. And fun. It’s because of our anatomical make up, so I guess I really can’t blame MJ for not understanding. So I tried to explain it to her as best I could.

Men are often bored and easily amused. We’re also competitive and turn everything into a sport. This includes bathroom breaks. Peeing in the toilet is all fine and good and you can make do with a few tried and true games. You can stand back and go for distance. You can do a ring around the bowl while you’re peeing. If there’s a bug in the toilet you can aim at it and try to drown it. All fine and dandy ways to go #1.

But it’s nothing compared to peeing outdoors.

First of all there’s a certain thrill to being outside where other people might see you. You need to find a tree or some other barrier that will shield you from the general public. Second, there are so many more things at which to aim. Plants, leaves, insects, trees. Mother Nature provides a plethora of urinary targets.

And honestly, we just love the mere fact that we’re built to rock a squirt wherever we are at any given time. There’s no waiting in long bathroom lines at crowded parties for a guy. We just step outside, find an isolated corner and take care of business.

And of course, nothing gives a guy more pleasure than peeing outdoors in the snow. You can write your name, draw a design, or — my personal favorite — pick one spot and keep peeing there in an effort to drill a hole all the way down to the ground. But the possibilities are limited only by the boundaries of one’s imagination.

MJ lamely tried to counter this argument by saying that women can pee outside as well. This is technically true, but have you ever watched a woman try to pee outside. It’s just sad. They need to pull their pants and panties all the way down, squat and then try like hell not to pee on themselves. And the only way they can write their names in the snow is if they do that weird crab-like crawl. But I imagine they would end up with their girl parts inadvertently landing in the snow at least once or twice, which has to be unpleasant. So let’s face it, when it comes to outdoor urination men are kings.

I’m not saying our outside peeing skills are the sole reason men have historically run this country. But I’m pretty sure it’s a contributing factor.