Last night I went into Boston to catch a Celtics game with my dad. Even though the NBA is third on my list of sports to watch (behind MLB and the NFL), I’ve been slowly getting back into it over the last few years.
When it comes to watching sports I’m a purist. I believe you go to watch the game. Period. End of story. None of this “Fan Cam” shit where idiots jockey for position to look like assholes in front of the whole crowd. Screw the leprechaun mascot with his T-shirt gun blasting souvenirs into the stands. You’re there to watch a basketball game, so sit down and watch it for God’s sake.
In my former life as a single man and sports nut, I would’ve followed my own edicts religiously. If I spoke it would only be about the game. I’d curse our big men for not posting up more. I’d comment on our transition game. I’d yell at our players for not dropping down in the zone to play solid help defense. And the people (such as the guy sitting next to me last night) who constantly stood up to wave in a vain attempt to attract the cameraman during timeouts, would feel my wrath.
But now? Well, things have changed. Here’s a random list of things that ran through my head while the Celtics beat Chris Paul and the Hornets last night:
“How does (Celtics back-up point guard) Eddie House have his kid at every game. Are there bed times in the House house? Oh that’s right, he’s rich. The nanny probably deals with that nightly meltdown.”
“Thank God I don’t have a daughter. If I ever saw my teenage daughter in a tank top and mini-skirt flaunting herself on the ‘Fan Cam’ I would cut my own eyes out.”
“How does that woman under the basket control what looks like a 2-year-old kid? If that was Will he would’ve already run out on the court 17 times by now?”
“I’m no fashion guru, but I’m noticing that the female population is wearing nothing but hooker boots. This is a great trend because hooker boots are HOT! Some go up over their knees and others are even wearing cowboy boots. I wonder if MJ has hooker boots. That’d be hot.”
“I can’t believe how many little babies and toddlers are here. Does that mean I can bring Will? I can’t see him lasting more than a quarter, and things would end with me and him melting down simultaneously out in the concourse.”
“That mom has the same diaper bag as I do. Does that make me gay?”
I guess this kind of shift is inevitable when you’re a parent. I still enjoyed the game and the Celtics win, but once you become a parent there’s some sort of switch that is definitely flipped, and you’re never able to really go back.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to buy MJ a pair of sexy hot boots!