On Your Ass

Everyone deals with stress differently.

Some people drink or turn to drugs. MJ gets very focused and intent, and usually cleans the whole house from top to bottom. I truly didn’t think I had a problem dealing with stress, until my wife told me in a not-so-subtle way that I’m eating us out of house and home.

At first I got defensive and told her she didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. But then I took a good look in the mirror. After that I stepped on the scale, which confirmed her theory. I’m a stress eater. I literally eat my worries away. Some people get hammered, others cry hysterically…apparently I think I can eat my problems away.

I cannot believe I never noticed it before but I see it now. I’m not even hungry most nights but once Will and MJ go to bed and I’m left to my own devices, I inevitably begin to think of Alex. And I get sad. Which then leads me to the fridge where I will house an entire gallon of ice cream in one sitting. Yeah, you read that right. A gallon. I also have no problem eating an entire box of pasta these days.

Needless to say my waistline hasn’t just suffered, it’s disappeared under my fat man gut. And I can’t let it go on like this.

So I spent all day yesterday fixing up my old bicycle, which has been outside in the rain and three harsh New England winters since last we saw one another. Unbelievably, it wasn’t in terrible shape. It needed some tinkering and a shitload of WD-40, but I can still ride it. I vowed that today (my day off) I would jump on the bike path and ride my stress away instead of shove it down my gullet.

I did 10 miles in a little over an hour. Not good, but considering I haven’t ridden in three years not terrible either. My legs are pretty sore, but that’s nowhere near the pain I feel in my ass. I don’t remember a bike seat hurting that much in the past, but right now my ass feels like it just spent the night in a Colorado hotel room with Kobe Bryant. My ass didn’t sit on the bike seat so much as absorb it. Seriously, I think a piece is still lodged in there.

Anyway, it was a beautiful Cape Cod day so I rode on the bike path in Falmouth. There were lots of people on the trail. Kids with parents, retirees keeping in shape and women. Lots of women. Lots of scantily clad, sweaty, toned women.

As I traveled toward Woods Hole I came upon one such specimen who had an ass that should’ve been bronzed and studied by the world’s top scientists for cloning purposes. It was phenomenal. Truly. I know I’m married to a beautiful woman but if MJ had been there, even she would’ve been salivating and agreeing with me.

Needless to say I took my time behind her and enjoyed the “scenery.” When I finally decided to jet by her I moved to the other side of the path and prepared to give the standard audible courtesy of “On your left.”

And that’s when Dr. Freud interjected.

“On your ass,” I said, cringing immediately after it slipped out of my mouth.

A smart man would’ve just kept going. A smart man would’ve kept his cool and pedaled hard, never looking back. A smart man would’ve also realized she was listening to her iPod and didn’t even hear the offending remark in the first place.

But I am not a smart man.

Instead I slowed down and veered in front of her, which startled her and put her on edge.

“I’m sorry I said ass, I didn’t mean ass,” I said, talking way too fast and nervously.

At this point she stops running and looks at me suspiciously as she takes off her headphones.

“What? What’s wrong?” she said with confusion.

“Oh nothing, I didn’t mean to spook you,” I stammered, getting flushed in the face. “I just didn’t want you to be offended when I passed by you and said ‘On your ass’ because I meant ‘On your left.’ But I said ass instead. So…I’m sorry.”

Smooth I am not.

Common sense finally kicked in and my fat ass pedaled away as fast as my chubby, out-of-shape legs would allow. And while I’m hopefully on my way to losing a few pounds, I confirmed there is absolutely no hope for my game with the ladies.

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31 thoughts on “On Your Ass

  1. Good on you man, hope you keep it up…the exercising that is, not the creeping out strangers (8^]

  2. Thank You. This may just be the funniest thing I will read today. I’m a stress eater too, but at this point who gives a fuck? ‘On your ass?’ Priceless. Stopping to apologize in spite of her obliviousness? Even better. I will re-play this scene over in my head countless times today whenever I’m feeling a little edgy. It’s just too good.

  3. HA! You’ve got game dude!

    PS – my captcha is become tumors. Seriously Captcha?

  4. Love it Aaron! I too am a stress eater, maybe this will teach us to “eat our words” instead of actual food πŸ™‚

  5. You are one smooth dude with the ladies! LMAO.

    BTW, I’m a stress eater and stress smoker. It’s doing wonderful things for my blood and cholesterol levels. I also cry and sleep. I got it all going on when I’m stressed out. Good for you for getting your bike out and riding, even if you have to practice saying, “On your left.”

  6. oh Lord, it seems we were separated at birth. too many stories about crap that slipped out of my mouth to share now but trust me I know your pain

  7. That was terribly funny. Dude, I’m so in your game when it comes to stress eating. Although, I might be hovering around the 3/4 mark on that gallon of icecream. Good for you getting out on that bike ride, I need to do the same thing.

    As for your remarks it seems you were telling the truth since by your own admission you were “riding” her ass for awhile. Maybe her ass was actually more sore than yours, you think? Okay don’t go there you sick perv but you get the point. Great story and all but we don’t believe you about her ass. Where’s the pictures to prove it?? Come on man!!

  8. As I said on Twitter, don’t talk- sing. Just make like the Nightengale and sing about the Lakers. In no time at all the ladies will be overwhelmed with emotion.

  9. I’m sorry, it’s hard for me to type my comment right now through these tears of hysterical laughter. Good news is, she should have been flattered. I mean seriously, what is she doing all that running for? To be fit? Pfft, it’s to have that hot ass you were checking out. Yes, I realize NOW is going to kick me out of the club but F them. And yes, it is true, women do admire and give mad props to other women with much better asses. It’s not like you told her you wanted to park your bike in her bike rack. Now *that* would have been awkward. πŸ˜‰

  10. i have a pancake-flat ass… entirely unappealing. it’s genetic. my brother has it too. had it been me on the receiving end of a comment like that, i would’ve jumped your bones… or just given you a high-five and said thanks. i mean, i am pretty sure my rack makes up for my non-ass… but still… an ass compliment would’ve totally made my life.

  11. When someone is tailgating me I always say, “Get off my ass.” So when you said, “On your ass” it actually made sense because you were right behind her, practically on her ass.
    Very funny post!

  12. I’m not going to focus on the “on your ass” comment since every else is doing that. I eat when I am stressed and tired. And since i am one or the other every waking hour I am hungry all the flipping time. Gallon of Ice Cream? Done. Large Bage of Reese’s PB Cubs? See ya! Box of Samoa Girl Scout Cookies in 20 minutes on the way to work? Easy. Just know that I’m there with you. The important thing is to excercise. That is what helps me during these times. Of course, if I’m too tired to excercise I’m screwed. πŸ™‚ Thanks for sharing.

  13. When I’m flustered, that’s always when I say something like that. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know this has got to be excruciating and I’m just so sorry for you all.

    Sending you love.

  14. You were a week too late to start biking. The Falmouth tri last weekend took over the bike path and as a participant can vouch for some great sights. Maybe you can work up to the tri next year.

  15. You’re not alone on this personality trait.
    Anything remotely stressful, depressing [or even boredom, really] I like to climb into the refrigerator to eat away my worries.

  16. OMG! Bwahahahahaha! I am cracking up over here! Now that is hilarious!

    As a cyclist, this is going to come to mind every time I say “on your left” again. I just sincerely hope I don’t slip up like you did!

    Awesome on the exercise! Keep it up. It’ll only get better and easier. Oh and you may want to look into a different seat.

    Thanks for the giggle!

  17. Damn, A Dawg. With no cure for tourettes in sight perhaps you should consider a stationary bike.

    Do me a favor though, when they tap YOU to cover the story on the bike path perv call me so I can shoot down and witness your explanation.

  18. I’m a stress-cleaner too. Kent can always tell when I’m really upset (or really pissed) because suddenly everything in the house starts to look shiny and new. Good luck with the exercise. Hilarious that you not only said, “On your ass” but actually followed up on it. πŸ™‚

  19. Yep. That’s pretty much par for the course around you, isn’t it? Oldguy’s right. At least there was no cat talk. If it’s any consolation I had a similar experience just this week.

    I started leaving the gym right after a very attractive redhead still in her workout gear. It’s a long walk out of my gym. Two flights of stairs… Anyway, I started to walk slower in hopes that some distance might help me unglue my eyes a little, even pausing at the bulletin board for a second to try to shake it off. When she gets to the exit, this strategy only results in her holding the door open for the guy who WAS right behind her and is now a good ways off. I am now, of course obliged to do the fat guy hop step. She smiles, either because she’s polite or because my out of shape, awkward, bouncing, imitation jog/hop/walk motion amuses her.

    My gut reaction is to exchange some sort of pleasantry with the nice person doing the nice thing, but my brain knows my history of talking to random hot women. It knows I’ll just say something stupid like “on your ass.”

    Gut’s telling me to thank her. Brain’s saying shut the hell up and nod. The result? I suppose the best word for it would be a grunt, but that doesn’t really capture it. It sounded like man’s first attempt at speech. Awful. I may have said something in an attempt to save myself, I’m not sure. I blacked out from the sheer humiliation.

  20. I stumbled on your blog via facebook – someone had posted a link to an earlier post.

    You, MJ, and your family are all in my thoughts — what as fucked up time. I wish there was something I could do to make this better, and I have a feeling that there are hundreds (maybe thousands?) of others who feel this way, too. Not that that fixes anything. But maybe it helps a little.


  21. Just in case this comment isn’t too late to be read:

    I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm, but I would ask you to reconsider in the future using rape as the punchline of a joke. Many survivors of sexual assualt are emotionally triggered when they encounter this kind of stuff– especially if they weren’t prepared for it as it had nothing to do with the subject at hand, and especially if it’s flippant and minimizing to their trauma, which can be relived all the time. It gets worse when you remember that we live in a society that often does minimize rape and blame the victims for it, and this is partly reinforced by jokes in public spaces that trivialize it.

    I’ve followed your blog a bit and believe you are a swell guy. And you obviously have the right to write whatever you wish on your blog. I just wanted to remind you that this kind of thing hurts more people than you would think, and alienates people that might otherwise feel safe around you. I’ve been that asshole before, and I was glad to be set straight. Trying to help.

  22. Carmen: Thank you for your comment.

    I do understand where you’re coming from and I respect your point of view. As anyone who knows me realizes, I do not condone rape. At all. Ever. The jab I made about the Colorado hotel room was directed at Kobe Bryant, the alleged perpetrator. And quite frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with it and I certainly don’t think I was being “that asshole.”

    It was a joke. It was a joke that did nothing to trivialize rape or sexual assault. If I were to tiptoe around everyone’s feelings at the risk of potentially offending someone, somewhere on the Internet, these pages would be blank.

    I know you disagree and I understand that, but I see nothing wrong with that jab at Kobe. Sorry.

  23. Ideological differences aside, I’m genuinely surprised that you wouldn’t define that joke as trivializing. Regardless of whether you think that would be acceptable, I mean. As for the rest, yes we strongly disagree, but I assume this is no place for such a debate, so I’ll show myself out. I do appreciate your thoughtful and respectful reply.

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