One Million Moms Can Be Wrong!

Dear ABC executives:

I have never watched a single episode of your television show Dancing With the Stars, but I have grave concerns after it was brought to my attention by One Million Moms, that you’re showcasing a gay man and—even worse—a transgendered “man” for the upcoming season.

How dare you?!? According to One Million Moms:

Some families have already decided against watching Dancing with the Stars
because of the skimpy costumes and provocative dance routines,
but now they have gone too far! This year, not only are they casting
Carson Kressley from Carson-Nation, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,
and How to Look Good Naked
, but also transgender Chaz Bono- child to
Sonny and Cher- from the documentary Becoming Chaz will be
appearing in the show. Both are LGBT rights advocates and promote this
destructive lifestyle. DWTS is helping them create visibility for the LGBT community.

Hey ABC, I’ll have you know I’m the father of a 3-year-old child. An impressionable 3-year-old child. And he watches TV. How can you have the gall to market yourself as a family show and then turn around and feature GAYS on your show. Worse than that, you’ve also got some “he-she” thing prancing around on stage. Forget the fact that my son would never know Chaz Bono used to be a woman if One Million Moms didn’t point it out. Because you know what? God knows.

This is completely unacceptable and Christians should not watch the show, no excuses!
Kressley will be paired up with a female dancer, and since Chasity, transformed to Chaz
after her sex change in 2009, will also be paired with a female dancer.
To push the envelope even further for a program that could be a family show
but is obviously not, Kressley is also author of the children’s book
You’re Different and That’s Super
, a children’s book promoting
the homosexual lifestyle to children.

Don’t think I’m not onto you ABC. You think you can mitigate things by putting the gay guy with a woman? I don’t think so. God doesn’t miss a beat and neither do I. And don’t get me started on the gender-bending of placing that “she-man” with a man. I mean sure she started out as a woman and therefore God’s will is technically being followed because Chaz is paired with a woman, but it doesn’t count. Because now she’s a woman turned into a man dancing with a woman. OK, so admittedly I’m a little confused but it all sounds wicked gay. And that’s bad.

Furthermore, how can you not see the evil in Carson Kressley’s book? The title is You’re Different and That’s Super. I think we know that “different” equals “gay.” And if you’ve ever read the bible, you’d know that being gay is definitely not OK. We Christians will not stand for anything that promotes, or even acknowledges, differences. You think I want my child learning about different cultures, races and beliefs? Imagine the consequences of our children forming their own opinions on such matters after being exposed to an array of different mindsets. Horrible.

Not to mention it’s so not cool to send the message that kids should be okay with themselves in they are gay. We will not accept alternative lifestyles that aren’t in accordance with God’s plan. If we do that then kids will be more apt to accept themselves and others, and the gay kids might even stop committing suicide. Gay people are going to hell anyways, no reason to postpone the trip.

 We Christians will not have homosexuality forced on us. I mean, sure—we could just change the channel or not tune in to the show. But that’s hardly the point. Simply knowing people with different beliefs exist is awful enough, but when the gays are promoting their lifestyle by dancing, that’s when things have gone too far.

After all, it’s common knowledge gayness is contagious. Like I said, I’ve never actually watched the show but I saw it for a second while flipping channels. Even though I didn’t go full on gay, I noticed myself talking with a slight lisp for about 20 minutes. I also matched my shoes and belt the next day before work, not to mention using the word “fabulous” to describe my wife’s cooking.

Besides, all good Christians know this is just a way to gather up support for the acceptance of gay marriage. Perhaps the biggest threat to our way of life these days.

I should know. I live in Massachusetts where gay marriage has been legal since 2004. And look what’s happened in that time. We elected a black, communist president, we’re in two wars, everyone has mandatory health care and we went through an awful recession. Do we really need any more proof gay marriage is bad?? It doesn’t matter that it’s legal in several states and rapidly gaining acceptance everywhere. Two men or two women just doesn’t count because it goes against God’s plan and the sanctity of “real” marriage.

These immoral gays keep bitching about their equal rights. Why can’t they just respect the institution of marriage as God intended? They need to follow in the footsteps of Britney Spears & Jason Alexander, Britney Spears & Kevin Federline, Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston and Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie Presley. These couples prove a rock solid marriage can only be between one man and one woman. Anything less than these shining examples of fidelity and monogamy threaten the very fabric of marriage as we know it.

All I can say is thank heavens for One Million Moms. This isn’t the first time they’ve stepped up and struck a blow for integrity and Christianity.

  • Bert and Ernie will not be getting married and homosexuality will not be spread
  • Old Navy was selling shirts that actually encouraged gay teens to “Live Proudly.” Imagine thousands of gay teenagers being encouraged to take pride in themselves and who they are. The horror!
  • They actually discouraged Google’s support in the “It Gets Better” campaign, on the grounds that “choosing the homosexual lifestyle actually increases the risk of suicide.” Family values has to come before the lives of troubled gay teens who are already hellbound. Everyone knows that.
  • One Million Moms also took aim at a Dentyne commercial, because even though it features no sex at all it too closely imitates a condom commercial. And condoms are evil. Especially when used during filthy gay sex.

As you can clearly see, One Million Moms is a pure, Christian group that is not at all insane. Gays are ruining the world, Dancing With the Stars is featuring LGBT people so therefore DWTS is an evil, liberal regime that must be stopped. I urge you to stop exposing the general public to people of varying backgrounds. I will not stand for differences to be showcased to millions on a national TV show. If you need guidance as to how to proceed, I have a book you can read that’ll do just fine. It’s a little old and some of it may not make total sense, but you’d be wise to live your life by it and interpret it as we do. Because that’s the only way. The right way.

We will not rest until you comply with our perfectly rational, not-at-all nuts demands. Stop trying to poison the minds of our youth with messages of equality and acceptance. And cease bringing all this gayness into our living rooms. If I come home and find my son doing a perfect Paso Doble, there will be hell to pay.

And where does it end? Perhaps Handy Manny gets a Manly Handy in a shady Sheetrock Hill back alley? Maybe Phineas and Ferb are more than just stepbrothers? And The Wiggles…well, I think they speak for themselves. Lord only knows the kind of nipple-twisting that goes on when Jeff the narcoleptic Wiggle passes out.

I’m gonna bottom line it for you ABC: Take these gays off the air!

It’s a well-known fact that TV and the entertainment industry is no place for homosexuals. And having them beamed into our homes is dangerous and deeply upsetting. Align yourself with God—with us Christians—and live in the light of the truth and His way. Because that is the only way we’ll leave you alone.

Until we, the denizens of One Million Moms, display our bigotry by needlessly latching onto the next non-issue that keeps us in the spotlight and validates our pathetic existence.


Warmest Regards,

Aaron Gouveia
Parent & definite non-gay

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24 thoughts on “One Million Moms Can Be Wrong!

  1. I couldn’t be more proud of you if you were dancing with Chaz himself/herelf. Bigotry is always repulsive, especially when you wrap it in the cloth of God.

  2. My personal feelings aside: Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judge, MATTHEW 7:1-5. While you may not approve of the LGBT, it is not for us to judge them or condemn them, there are far better issues in the world that we can do something about and would have a much better impact on the world. God is the ultimate entity that everyone has to answer to, what you do for others will probably count more for your soul than what you do against others.

  3. Cindy: You’re right and wrong. You’re right about me judging. I did a lot of judging in this piece. However, you’ve got me judging the wrong people.

    This is sarcasm Cindy. It is teeming, dripping and laced with sarcasm. I’m very much in favor of LGBT rights (and all human rights) and very much against the so-called Christians over at One Million Moms. I’m making fun of fundamentalist Christian nutjobs. The letter is not serious. It is meant only to point out OMM’s hypocrisy, hate and ill-will.

    How can this not be taken as sarcastic????
    Daddy Files recently posted..One Million Moms Can Be Wrong!My Profile

  4. I knew there would be AT LEAST one person out there who missed the sarcasm completely… Bravo, Aaron – couldn’t agree with you more on this one!

  5. The message…the sarcasm…they are why you are one of my favorite bloggers! However, re: “proof” that gay marriage is bad, I’d like to point out that you forgot to include the recent earthquake and hurricane. :))

  6. Daddy Files: I know you were being sarcastic, I lived in Norton long enough to recognize that, I was just fortifying your piece with a bit of righteous indignation at the hypocrites who profess to being so pious.

  7. Oh, and thank you for your well spoken pieces, I think I’ve pretty much agreed with or enjoyed (and enjoyed?) all I’ve read.

  8. @M Gay’s got blamed for the two big earthquakes in Christchurch, New Zealand (where I live). My family kept cracking jokes about how me and my brother were to be blamed. I just don’t get people..

  9. I agree that One Million Moms is on the wrong end of the argument but I take a little offense with the lumping in of all Christians as sharing the views of One Million Moms. Being a fairly active Christian I believe in LGBT rights (as does the rest of my congregation and a good chunk of the UCC churches out there). I know you are trying to push across a point and I know your personal views on religion but I think it’s important to realize that all Christians do not share the same views as One Million Moms.

  10. Mike: You’re crazy. All Christians are exactly the same. Everyone knows that. Just like all black people are great dancers, all Asians can’t drive and all fat guys are jolly.

    I kid, and this is hyperbole to prove a point. Obviously everyone is different. And I never said all Christians are the same in this article. However, One Million Moms identifies themselves as a Christian group. I understand there are factions and one bad apple ruins it for everyone else, but I can’t pretend they don’t exist.
    Daddy Files recently posted..One Million Moms Can Be Wrong!My Profile

  11. Love this post! Not a huge fan of these competition shows, but I think it’s FABULOUS that they have a diverse group of contestants.

    And maybe I should start watching DWTS so that I can have some better fashion sense.
    Becca recently posted..The Quest to make PlaydatesMy Profile

  12. Skimpy outfits AND Chaz bono? Next thing ya know they’ll be putting Chaz Bono in the skimpy outfits! Good post Aaron, these people are kooks. And i doubt that kids are going to know that chaz was once a woman(unless their parents tell them…then who’s promoting the gay “lifestyle”.huh?huh?!!)

  13. Wait a minute…if Chaz Bono is now a man and he likes women then where is the gay lifestyle? 😉

  14. LMAO!! Oh, I’ve been missing out on some good stuff!! Damn college, taking up all the valuable time I could spend reading these blogs.

  15. These million moms are freaking crazy. They are lonely housewives with nothing better to do than sit around analizing everything while their husbands cheat on them with the gardner. Instead of doing that they should take the time to raise their children properly. First off if these mothers don’t make such a big deal out of things their kids won’t either. I’m sick of these religious nut jobs using religion to justify their hatred and thats what it is pure and simple. These women seriously need a hobby. They just want to boycott everything. Do as I have done teach your child about things that they see on tv or guess what don’t let them watch it. Actually take time with your kids instead these ladies want to use the tv as a babysitter and are ticked off that there are things on there that they don’t like that their kids might see while they are in their beds watching their stories. Raise your freaking brats.

  16. Cindy: You’re right and wrong. While you may not approve of the LGBT, it is not for us to judge them or condemn them, there are far better issues in the world that we can do something about and would have a much better impact on the world. I agree that One Million Moms is on the wrong end of the argument but I take a little offense with the lumping in of all Christians as sharing the views of One Million Moms.
    Bernadine Schwartz recently posted..Cancer Tattoos TumblrMy Profile

  17. Thanks for the belly laugh, Aaron! I’m the doting gay uncle of my lesbian sister’s son and I’m so glad for any voice of reason in satire’s clothing to make these idiots go back into their cave and stop poisoning our air.

    PS. I need my friends’ advice to avoid committing fashion faux pas that will get my gay card taken away from me FOR GOOD!

  18. Love this essay, Aaron.
    Can you get the Moms off of JC Penny’s and Ellen’s back (even though someone so cute is obviously evil?)

  19. I suppose i am a few years behind…….But, you are truly hilarious! I defininately appreciate your wit and sarcasm. Its nice to know that more than one cool, straight dude has our back!!!! I always love jabs at those wonderfully evil skanks at “one million moms!” Thanks for making me laugh, i needed that!

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