Oven Mitts and Calamine Lotion

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I look like such a freak right now.

It seems that geocaching — while fantastically fun — has a drawback. And that drawback comes in the form of shiny leaves in the woods leading to itchy skin. That’s right folks, I’ve got a case of poison ivy that’s spreading quicker than that disease carrying monkey in the movie Outbreak. It’s on my hands, my face, my feet, my legs and my…well, let’s just say it’s EVERYWHERE.

Now keep in mind, I am a lowly journalist. I am not a doctor and I do not have any medical training. I’ve never even spent the night in the hospital and I’ve never had a serious disease (knock on wood). So I confess, I had no idea about the ins and outs of poison ivy. I thought if you have it, it’s contagious. After all, no one wants to go near you when you say you have poison ivy. I thought it was because it’s contagious and no one wants to come down with it.

That’s why I was being very careful not to transfer my poison ivy to Will. But not playing with the little guy is just not an option, so I did what any reasonable dad would do: I put on oven mitts whenever I had to touch him.

My wife, who is much smarter than I am, has since clarified that poison ivy can only be spread when it bubbles and then pops, smearing the oil everywhere. But it cannot be passed around just by touching someone with poison ivy. That was news to me. However, it can absolutely be spread to other parts of one’s body when he does have poison ivy. All parts. Private parts. Naughty parts.

Basically my crotch is on fire and I’m constantly poking and prodding myself. I know, I know…I do that anyways. But this time it’s because I CAN’T STOP ITCHING!! It’s horrible.  And as an added bonus, I have calamine lotion all over my face, hands and body. So whenever I go out people look at the dried, pink patch on my face like I’m branded with some kind of scarlet letter.

But I least I was able to ditch the oven mitts.

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15 thoughts on “Oven Mitts and Calamine Lotion

  1. For the love of all that is good, pure and true (Southern expression)…..you need HELP. How in the living hell did you get that much on you? Were you rolling nude in the stuff and you just don’t want to admit it!?

    Honey child – get to a doctor today and get you some prescription grade lotion or you will pull your skin off this weekend!

  2. I cannot even imagine the picture of you attemtping to pee…with oven mitts on! HA!…Best wishes to you and Happy 4th, Happy FF and happy healing!

  3. Go to CVS and find Aveeno oatmeal bath…little packets of powdery stuff you can put in the bathtub. It will soothe the itching for a bit and give you some relief.

  4. Yikes. That sucks. I hope it clears up quickly. I can’t even imagine what that must be like! I’m one of those lucky people that is immune to poison ivy’s delightful charms. I really could roll around nude in it and I still wouldn’t get it.

  5. Oh man that sucks. Lucky that Will didn’t get it while he was out with you! I’ve also heard that there are people that just aren’t affected by poison ivy at all. Hopefully Will is one of those lucky individuals. Clearly, you are not.

  6. Yes, please get the oatmeal bath (watch out so it doesn’t clog your pipes), or go to the doctor and get a prescription. No one should have to suffer like you are! I hope you find relief soon! Oh, and your poor private parts. What a place to have the poison ivy spread! And I’m glad Will doesn’t seem affected and you were able to ditch the oven mitts. I wouldn’t have known either.

  7. Yeah, you should have gone to the doctor already, because the ER on the 4th is going to be as backed up as the traffic down there. Standard rule of poison ivy is if it’s on your face or on your sac, you need a steroid. No need to suffer for as long as it takes to go away.

    Believe me, I’ve been through it with the boy over and over again. Meanwhile, the husband can literally pull the stuff out of the ground with his bare hands and never, ever gets the slightest itch. Poor kid got my skin in every possible way. Good luck, man!

  8. I must confess to really enjoying this post, way more than I should have. Well, happy scratching. Seriously though, I hope you find relief soon (but not too soon).

  9. Ahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!

    Geocaching my ass. I told you about those chucks at Zach’s but nooooo, don’t listen to me.

  10. As a poison ivy professional (I’ve had it more times that I can count), when you come in from your adventures, put all of your clothes in the washer and immediatley take a shower. From that point, all of the oil will be gone and Will will be safe. Plus it minimizes the places you will get it. But if you do get a bad case? Go to the doctor – a shot and a steroid pack will do wonders!

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