Panic

MJ’s alarm went off on Tuesday morning and I groggily rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I felt unusually rested but didn’t know why.

As I looked at the clock I saw that it was 7 a.m. I was immediately alarmed because Will never sleeps past 6 a.m. More than that, I realized he hadn’t woken up once all night. Instead of being thrilled by this, I was immediately suspicious.

Nevertheless, I decided to ignore the nearly overwhelming urge to check on him in his room because after all, sleeping through the night on a regular basis is the goal and walking in there would just wake him up. So I crept quietly around the house, was careful with the creaking bathroom door and headed into the shower. A pin dropping could wake this kid up, so I figured by the time I got out of the shower he’d definitely be stirring.

But when I turned off the water and listened, I was met with the sound of silence. Now I was worried.

I dried off and walked past a still-slumbering and obviously unconcerned MJ toward the bedroom door. I put my ear against it and strained to listen. Nothing. So I ever-so-gently turned the handle and made my way inside. But when I got to the crib my blood pressure shot up like a rocket and the panic rose up inside of me and nearly exploded.

Will was gone.

He wasn’t in his crib. I quickly looked around the room thinking maybe he had climbed out. But he was nowhere to be found.

I tried to scream or call out to MJ but my whole body was paralyzed with the kind of fear I didn’t even know existed. I immediately flashed to what must have happened. Someone came in through the window in the middle of the night, abducted him and made off with my baby boy. He’s probably bound and gagged in some dingy basement as we speak, with his kidnappers preparing to call us with a ransom. Why hadn’t I gone in earlier to check on him? I could’ve stopped this. But now I may never see my sweet child again. How can I live without him? How can I tell MJ? Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God!

All of that flashed through my mind in no more than a couple of seconds. At which point I realized it was Tuesday and my parents had Will at their house.

Oh well, at least now I know what a panic attack feels like.

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8 thoughts on “Panic

  1. I know that feeling.

    By the way – I had to wake him up at 7:30 after he slept through the night. Grandparent magic, I guess! :)

  2. I have nightmares like that quite a bit. Every time it feels so real that when I wake up from it I HAVE to go check on the kids.
    As for theoldguy’s comment – my kids always sleep so much better at my mom’s house – what’s with that!?

  3. This happens a lot to me when my husband is out of town or if my daughter is sick. You think I would just enjoy the extra time but there is some part of me that is just waiting for that little noise or sound that says she is still alive in there. But LORD I try not to go in because she wakes up at the slightest thump or sound, so much that we have a fan and a white noise maker on in there every time she goes to sleep. But I seriously picture someone getting in and taking her and we never would know it is such an awful feeling.

  4. Good Lord – you had my heart racing. Whew!!! Thank God you remembered he was at your parents.

  5. Something slightly similar to this happened to a friend of mine! She had a baby monitor in the room and was making dinner while her son napped. Then she heard a man’s voice fromt he monitor saying “It’s ok, don’t cry I am going to take you with me.” She freaked out and ran into the room armed with a giant steak knife only to see her son sleeping in the crib alone. Turns out her baby monitor and her neighbor’s monitor had crossed and she was hearing him from the next door apartment…She said she almost had a heart attack so I can’t even imagine ho wyou must have felt!

  6. A lot of the time when Braden is at his Grandma’s I look at the clock and think just a few more minutes until Braden gets up. It usually takes me a while to remember. I have never had that type of panic attack though.

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